Missing the school run

[Redvapeblacksheet]

NC because well, you know.

I'm just so lonely and down during the school holidays. I've had to carry on working pt and dc has been a complete pain about going to holiday club. I'm on my own so contact with the father is minimal. He had her a few hours last week while I worked and 24 hours over weekend. I've spend a large portion of my free time either cleaning or lying in bed, crying.
I really miss the school run. That was my only social interaction apart from DD. I want to have friends, I want to go out for a drink, but there's just no one.
I tried posting on facebook last night and no one responded. It's like I'm invisible. I've tried clubs and activities but its hard because my childcare is limited.
At least in term time, I feel like I have friends. I try to arrange playdates, mainly so I can have a chat with the other mother but they seem wise to me now. My poor DC never get invited anywhere either.
My parents don't ever visit and normally only call me to get me to deal with their problems.

I never see anyone and no one wants to know me. I've got so much to give and only DC to share it with. That's great in a way as they have lots of attention. I'm so tired though. I crave life, or just a chat. Just about the telly or something lighthearted.

I've deleted all my fb friends after my post because what's the point? They aren't bothered. They do video call me on their nights out to say hello, but it isn't the same is it.

I'd pay. I've offered to pay for 'friends' whole night out if they'd just come with me. Still no. I really, really want to see the barbie film and I can't face it on my own so it looks like I won't be going.

I'm counting down until term time. The DC will be at school and occupied. I will see others every day. I will be able to cope better with my crashing sense of lonliness.

I really, really like music. I try fan groups and its the same. I tried dancing lessons, no one spoke. I tried church and no one spoke.

Am I trying too hard?

They video call you on nights out? Why don't they invite you?

I think sometimes you can over focus on the friendship side and this can comes across as too intense. For example with the dancing lessons you do them and enjoy them rather than seeing them as a route to finding friends. Usually if you do something for long enough you end up getting to know people. I appreciate that its hard though. I think there are also some people who are unwilling to make new friends as they have plenty of people in their lives anyway. I would puck an activity that you enjoy anyway and stick to it. I think having a full life is also good because it gives you things to talk about when you do meet someone.

Have you looked on bunble BFF or Peanut? They're specifically got making friends.

Can you make an account on the Meetup app. You can join local groups and people add events that you just add your name to. Im a member of walking groups, a cinema one, and one for coffee and chat meetups. Its a really nice way to socialise.

Goodness me, don't pay someone to message you! I understand you feel like someone should've responded but deleting them all isn't the answer.

If I'd seen a post wanting to meet last night then I wouldn't have been able so would've simply scrolled past. Message your friends directly or see if a neighbour fancies joining you for wine and cheese at the weekend.

Is there anyone from work? Or could you go on a community litter pick type thing and meet people there? Craft groups for adults?

I think volunteering is a really great way without pressure to meet people. Litter picking or helping at a food bank or PTA at the school is a great way to meet people without the LET'S BE FRIENDS vibe which can be a bit intense. And if nothing comes of it, you can feel happy you've helped your community.

I feel for you OP.. but please can you be honest and say whether its because you may be a little bit intense?

It seems hugely odd only having "term time" friends.

I agree that sometimes if somebody is desperate for friendship it can come across as too intense and scare people off. If somebody asked me on a night out and said they would pay for everything that would make me very uncomfortable and honestly put me off socialising with them. I want friendships to develop at a normal and comfortable pace, not to feel like somebody is trying to buy me as a close friend.

You say you have friends who video call you on nights out, I’ll be honest this seems a bit of an odd dynamic. Do they ever invite you out with them or call you at other times?

It’s hard but I agree with PP that finding a hobby/ activity class that you’ll enjoy irrespective of making friends is a good idea, go and focus on the activity and let any conversations or friendships develop naturally. If you jump in and immediately start trying to organise meet ups and swap numbers etc you’ll probably scare people away, good friendships develop organically over time so don’t expect to find friends straight away.

Looking on apps like meet-up to find out if anyone in your area is going to the Barbie movie is also a good idea, or maybe see if there are any local film clubs or anything nearby which might be making a trip. You may feel more comfortable going if you’re in a group even if you don’t know anybody in it yet.

I hear you op when it comes to friends. I have no friends either and the only people that keeps me busy are my children. I work 3 nights a week and before I started work I was really looking forward to it and making friends but no and I’m also happy when it’s school time because I get to chat with mums in the play ground. I joined peanuts and still nothing happened

Have you tried city social? That’s a great app for meeting friends and fairly low cost to join.

I just want to go on a night out or to a concert. Or even friends I can message and hear about their day without meeting up. I'm quite shy and lots of interaction makes me sleepy so the school run was perfect. I really, really miss those 5 minute chats at the school gates. It was enough. Surely, I could pay for it and then I'd not be bothering anyone.

I think you probably need to address your insecurities first OP. Friends you have to pay aren't friends, they're people who use you.

Maybe address why you have this neediness because it will likely ruin any friendship you have in the future.

What's your job like op? Do you have colleagues you see or is it a more work on your own type of thing?

You can't pay for it. It's not the same, they're only talking to you for money for a start.

Is there a reason you can't look at any of the suggestions because there are some excellent ones.

If you want to message about your day without meeting up have you tried to find online friends? Small discord communities or forums for an interest such as a hobby, tv show or video game might be a good way to build a small community of people you can message about your day, mumsnet is huge and not great for making individual connections but on a lot of smaller forums this is possible.

Also, if you have money to throw at the issue, have you considered therapy? Therapy might help you to unwrap some of the reasons you feel like you are bothering people when you try to make friends and why you feel like you should pay for friends, it would also give you an outlet to talk about how you are feeling and issues in your life and may mean you didn’t feel so desperate when trying to meet new people and didn’t come across as so intense.

Are there any local single parent groups you could join OP for days out with kids?

Do you DC go to any activities that you could get involved with e.g helping with refreshments or a committee?

Paying people for social interaction is quite strange and you'll be putting people off unfortunately.

Step away from this whole “I’d pay” thought in your head, even if it isn’t something you actually say to people. It makes people uncomfortable, it doesn’t create a real friendship, and it’s distracting you from your actual problem which is turning casual connections into longer friendships. That’s hard work, it takes a lot of perseverance and optimism and it’s even more difficult to do when you’re feeling sad, as clearly you are.

Can you volunteer to chat to local old people, you know one of the befriending services? You’d be there to keep them company but it would help you too.

Facebook isn’t regularly used by everyone anymore. I used to check mine throughout the day, now I check it once a week or so. Facebook also fills up people’s feeds with adverts and ‘reels’ making it hard to see content from actual friends (which is why I rarely bother with it). It’s quite possible no one saw your post.

My suggestions

1. Join as many hobby groups as you can and at them be pleasant, not moany and NOT INTENSE. When you meet people ask them questions about their lives, be genuinely interested and NEVER MOAN at them.
2. Volunteer or get a part time job somewhere that people have to talk to you in person as part of the role.
3. As you have money, why not explore your feelings with a counsellor? You’d get a chat and they’d probably have better ideas than mine about your best way forwards.

Good luck x

Oh and if you can, volunteer as a leader/helper at local Brownies or Scouts. Loads of social interaction.

Have you looked at gingerbread ? Lots of meets ups on those

Op in the kindest way, you do come across as a bit unpleasant. If someone told me they’d pay me to go out with them I’d be thinking what’s wrong with them. And spitting your dummy out and deleting the friends you do have on social media because they didn’t reply to your post is a bit weird and nasty too. Nobody wants to be paid off or emotionally blackmailed into being someone’s friend. I’d seek counselling to maybe build up your confidence and have someone help you in the way you come across to people.

The fact your friends call you on nights out shows they must like you and want to involve you in some way. If it's hard for you to go out due to babysitting issues, why don't you invite your friends over for a takeaway and film night at your house?

You shouldn't have removed them from FB. That's just cutting yourself off even more. Tell them you were hacked and add them back.

Maybe I'm just unpleasant

That sounded a lot more horrible than I meant it. There was just bits that stood out to me as bizarre op. Like how your child never gets invited to play dates anymore as the mums ‘are wise’ to the fact that you’ll want to have a chat with them during it. It’s making me wonder why they’re trying so hard to avoid you once you’ve started trying to be their friend. Do you think you’re coming off as extremely intense?