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Original poster

what is in my best interest is not in my kids best interest

38 replies

MentholLoad · 06/08/2023 14:14

I want to sell my house and move 150 miles to the countryside so I can be mortgage free and reduce/give up work. my health is rubbish, I'm tired and want a slower pace. my boys are 13 and 18. I have to wait some years yet, don't I?

OP posts:
takemetothespace · 06/08/2023 14:16

Yes I would until your 13 year old turns 18, as then he will go to uni and it will be perfect to find countryside place and don't have to worry about school/ college etc

FourTeaFallOut · 06/08/2023 14:17

You could just pretend that kids are endlessly adaptable and do as you like. That tends to be the accepted narrative.

coodawoodashooda · 06/08/2023 14:18

Could you discuss it with them?

takemetothespace · 06/08/2023 14:19

My youngest is 4 and when he will go to university we will be hopefully moving to countryside. I am in my early thirties

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/08/2023 14:19

13 could be a good time to move pre gcse if you go somewhere he could have a decent school and sports etc. he needs a healthy happy mum too. No guarantee he'll want to move out to go to uni when 18.

Original poster
MentholLoad · 06/08/2023 14:19

my current 18 year old didn't go to uni, is doing an apprenticeship and lives with me. what if my 13 year old wants to go to uni in our city to stay living at home/reduce costs? would you keep going another 7 years? I don't know if I can

OP posts:
takemetothespace · 06/08/2023 14:21

OP then in that situation, I would just move as you have already decided

Original poster
MentholLoad · 06/08/2023 14:22

coodawoodashooda · 06/08/2023 14:18

Could you discuss it with them?

kind of...18 year old is all for it, wants to move out anyway and live with girlfriend, would also like to live in similar area (but not much work)...13 year old loves the countryside but can't contemplate making such a big move/leaving friends and is naturally quite 'selfish' as kids are

OP posts:
Original poster
MentholLoad · 06/08/2023 14:23

takemetothespace · 06/08/2023 14:21

OP then in that situation, I would just move as you have already decided

no I really haven't decided

OP posts:
Original poster
MentholLoad · 06/08/2023 14:24

FourTeaFallOut · 06/08/2023 14:17

You could just pretend that kids are endlessly adaptable and do as you like. That tends to be the accepted narrative.

my youngest in particular is very much not adaptable. I have to wait don't i

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 06/08/2023 14:27

I don't think you need to stick around to provide free housing through uni. Obviously that's a huge benefit for kids who have that resource but I don't think anyone could reasonably expect that of you.

ModeWeasel · 06/08/2023 14:28

My parents moved me to a remote village at this age (13) and I hated it. There was a recent thread on this were the majority of people who had made this type of one off move tslhed about how difficult it was for them and how they found it difficult to forgive their parents.

Original poster
MentholLoad · 07/08/2023 20:31

ModeWeasel · 06/08/2023 14:28

My parents moved me to a remote village at this age (13) and I hated it. There was a recent thread on this were the majority of people who had made this type of one off move tslhed about how difficult it was for them and how they found it difficult to forgive their parents.

yeah, I get this. I grew up in a village. I didn't know different, but I can imagine the frustration if you spent time in a town/city first

OP posts:
OnionBhajis · 07/08/2023 20:33

I wouldn't move a 13 year old from their school unless I had to.

Are rhere other aspects of your life you can change? Work? Leisure? Pace?

MichelleScarn · 07/08/2023 20:34

Does it need to be the extreme you mention? Could you change your job? Downsize in your area?

Original poster
MentholLoad · 07/08/2023 20:37

nah, can't change job (finances) or 'downsize'...I live in the cheapest area already!

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 07/08/2023 21:28

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/08/2023 14:19

13 could be a good time to move pre gcse if you go somewhere he could have a decent school and sports etc. he needs a healthy happy mum too. No guarantee he'll want to move out to go to uni when 18.

13's a normal age to change schools. Kids go to prep up to 13, and it's the starting age for secondary across much of the world. I joined my grammar school's second intake at 13, as we were out of area when I was 11.

As long as he can get his education at your new location, it should be fine!

OnionBhajis · 07/08/2023 21:30

Wow every area I've been in (england) secondaries start at 11, so 13 is part way through! Also you choose gcss, get established friendships etc.

GarlicGrace · 07/08/2023 22:10

It is part way through (obviously!) @OnionBhajis but still the case that first & second years are transitional, when children get into the swing of more formal studies and are introduced to new subjects. GCSE choices are made starting in the third year, usually, and that's when things become more focused.

From a social point of view, the big effects of puberty also begin around that age. Friendships, interests, social styles and even abilities enter a period of change. It's quite a good time to be joining as a new kid.

Bikechic · 08/08/2023 23:30

You could plan to move after gcse. Natural transition anyway. Gives you time to plan

continentallentil · 08/08/2023 23:32

Yeah till 18.

Unless the 13 yo actively wants to move it’s a terrible age - academically and socially to do it.

stayathomer · 08/08/2023 23:41

Sorry to get all ‘country’ vs ‘town/city’ but just to warn you of all the extra running about you could potentially be doing if you move. We live rurally and there’s no paths anywhere nearby and so we use the car a lot. Plus we feel guilty the kids can’t just see their friends so … more driving!

user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 00:07

Can you set a deadline of five years from now and make it clear that you cannot commit to housing them in the city indefinitely?

curaçao · 09/08/2023 05:39

takemetothespace · 06/08/2023 14:16

Yes I would until your 13 year old turns 18, as then he will go to uni and it will be perfect to find countryside place and don't have to worry about school/ college etc

In some ways moving at 18 is harder.The holidays are nearly as long as ( or in some cases longer than) the termtime.They will lose touch with the old place and all their old friends.
In many cases it will be impossible to get a holiday job ynless you commit to dropping off an picking up every day ( I am just about to start the 50 m8nute round trip tobtake my student dd to her 7am start waitressing job)

princessconsuelobananahammock · 09/08/2023 05:53

@GarlicGrace your perspective is very independent/public school focused. Talk of prep up to 13 etc. The vast majority of children in more rural areas will be in secondary schools from 11, with a fairly small number of intake schools & a stable school population. I’m not suggesting there isn’t any movement but it is nothing like as transitional as the independent sector.