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Original poster

Exhausted by friend’s drama

66 replies

Whyhellothere123 · 05/08/2023 20:39

I have a friend who, for whatever reason, has had a lot of drama in her life. It’s all genuinely serious things, and not exaggerated - but it’s constant. Think things like, her dad getting cancer, her estranged mum dying, her husband being made redundant etc.

she is a very old friend who I would count as one of my best. We don’t live near each other and when we see each other it’s wonderful, but she’s pretty crap at regular contact. She has just received some more news that her daughter had an autoimmune disease. Which will affect her, although manageable, for the rest of her life.
I want to be there to help her - but I’m all honestly I feel totally exhausted and overwhelmed by it all. We haven’t really had much contact since her last “drama” so I feel like cos her life is quite chaotic anyway, there is no “normal friendship” in between these life dramas.

because we don’t talk regularly I find it so hard to suddenly have to make space in my brain to remember to check in on her all the time. I have 3 of my own kids and work full time so I feel like my brain is already at max capacity.

I feel terrible because I so want to be there for her when she needs me - but the sheer amount of drama she has I find exhausting. And because there isn’t general week to week chat in between these dramas it feels like our entire friendship is now based around the latest saga.

when we lived closer we could see each other more frequently so I felt like our friendship wasn’t defined by it. I’ve no doubt she’d be there if I had dramas - but I never seem to have anything which warrants the same (which I’m thankful for).

do I need to suck it up, make space in my brain for another drama and accept it’s the way ot is. Or is it ok to say actually I can’t only be there when something goes wrong, I want to have some normality in our friendship between.

o genuinely feel like my head might explode with the pressure to suddenly answer all these messages and say the right thing and check in etc

OP posts:
givemecoffeee · 05/08/2023 20:50

It sounds like a lot Flowers
I think friendship should be somewhat give and take?
It sounds like she's had/having a really tough time, she's probably struggling a lot.
Does she have support elsewhere (such as therapist/counsellor?)
Have you ever reached out to her if you need support?

huggiess · 05/08/2023 21:14

To be honest l can't quite get over you saying her dad having cancer, her mum dying etc is drama. I would say she is unlucky, those things aren't drama to your friend, they're her life and tragic !

FlamingYam · 05/08/2023 21:52

If you feel exhausted by it, imagine how she feels actually having to live it. You should be there for her. If you can't be, leave her to it and tell her why so she knows it's you, not her.

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 21:55

I understand how you feel, but the way you talk about her difficulties sounds pretty bitchy. How long has this period been going on? With the day to day friendship but being absent? Her life may settle down, in which case I’d hold out and stick with her because that’s what friends do. I imagine she’s too overwhelmed and exhausted to remember to make space for general chit chat with you right now, but that hopefully won’t always be the case.

satellitesunshine · 05/08/2023 21:56

imagine how she feels

WhateverMate · 05/08/2023 22:01

Blimey, I thought you were just trying to see how many times you could type the word 'drama' in one post.

What a strange way to describe your poor friend's problems.

I don't know why working and having 3 kids would stop you from messaging your friend to let her know you're thinking of her.

frootito · 05/08/2023 22:10

I totally understand OP. If it helps I don't think the issue is that your friend has had some bad luck it's her expectations of your role in supporting her through it. I have friends who've been through some really dramatic life circumstances. Some have left me feeling drained and exhausted and some haven't. I can't have people in my life who constantly pull on my resources because like you I have kids and a full time job.

Pawoo · 05/08/2023 22:25

Pretty sure you're talking about me here but with some details changed. The things you've listed are too specific for it not to be. Fully expect this post to get deleted for being 'outing'

You don't sound like much of a friend. What exactly do you bring to the friendship apart from judgement? Is your "Friend" making all her 'dramas' your burdens or is she chatting about them in general because it's her life and that's what friend's do? Have you ever thought of speaking to her like an adult?

Of course if you don't speak very often, she will likely want to discuss the big things that are happening in her life rather than wasting time on mundane chit chat. I wouldn't call cancer, death of a parent and a life long debilitating illness 'drama,' those are some pretty major life events that will obviously be affecting her every day life. If you find listening to it exhausting, how do you think she feels living it?

MarshaArt · 05/08/2023 22:30

Pawoo · 05/08/2023 22:25

Pretty sure you're talking about me here but with some details changed. The things you've listed are too specific for it not to be. Fully expect this post to get deleted for being 'outing'

You don't sound like much of a friend. What exactly do you bring to the friendship apart from judgement? Is your "Friend" making all her 'dramas' your burdens or is she chatting about them in general because it's her life and that's what friend's do? Have you ever thought of speaking to her like an adult?

Of course if you don't speak very often, she will likely want to discuss the big things that are happening in her life rather than wasting time on mundane chit chat. I wouldn't call cancer, death of a parent and a life long debilitating illness 'drama,' those are some pretty major life events that will obviously be affecting her every day life. If you find listening to it exhausting, how do you think she feels living it?

I’m really sorry these things have happened to you. They don’t sound like ‘drama’, they sound like sad and tragic events that have happened close together and, although I’m a stranger, I’m thinking of you.

DinaofCloud9 · 05/08/2023 22:32

Good god it's not drama. It's serious stuff going on in her life and you're dismissing it as drama.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/08/2023 22:34

This isn't drama! What a horrible thing to say.

Flossiemoss · 05/08/2023 22:40

Either you drop the friendship or step up op.
if you are a true friend you will step up and make time to be more present for her. It’s only a phone call a week or texting. Hardly overwhelming. If that’s too much for you then be honest and drop the friendship. Be aware life happens in phases. One day the roles might be reversed and you could be the one with “drama” in your life. So how much do you value the friendship?

TedMullins · 05/08/2023 22:40

Good grief. With friends like you who needs enemies! I too can’t believe you’re describing her close family getting cancer and dying as “drama”! How would you want/expect people to react if you had all this tragedy in your life? Dismiss it as drama and chaotic and stop bothering to speak to you? Also failing to see how having kids and a job prevents you from asking her how she is from time to time.

HelloGoodbye92 · 05/08/2023 22:43

I don’t think this sounds like drama at all. It sounds like someone who is going through a lot and reaching out to someone who she thought was a friend. Having 3 children and a job isn’t overwhelming enough to justify finding it hard to sling a text to your friend to check in on her.

MajesticWhine · 05/08/2023 22:43

She cannot help it that these bad things have happened. But I am wondering why you don't talk more regularly and in between the major life events. Are you not keen to keep up contact or is it her that does not maintain the friendship? It doesn't sound like a good friendship.

Original poster
Whyhellothere123 · 06/08/2023 16:08

I totally get it’s her life and it’s terrible hence why I want to be there for her properly and I feel so bad I can’t be there for her properly!

last month her cousin had an accident and was in hospital, I sent flowers, checked in daily. 2 months before that her husband had a minor car crash and was off work for a couple of weeks - I sent chocolates / card to her, checked in daily etc. The other things have have happened previously to that. Between these we haven’t seen each other at all and have had barely a single normal chat - nor has she ever messaged me to check in or asked how I am. I will always be there for her and always have been but this time I am struggling more than ever because I feel such pressure and responsibility to be a crutch to her. She does have a brother but not one she’s close to and not sure she has much other family - so I feel a huge responsibility and weight on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Pawoo · 06/08/2023 16:13

How can you possibly feel like a crutch when you rarely message or speak and haven't seen eachother at all?

runningonberocca · 06/08/2023 16:20

I’m very glad you are not my friend. This isn’t your friend creating drama - this is a series of awful, difficult and unpredictable things happening to her. The poor woman. Drama is when someone creates a situation for effect or enjoys the chaos they are creating. Plenty of people do this but it really doesn’t sound like your friend does.
I’ve had similarly awful times in my life and don’t know how I would have got through them without my friends ( you know even those ones with children and full time jobs managed to check in and be kind)

drpet49 · 06/08/2023 16:22

“Between these we haven’t seen each other at all and have had barely a single normal chat - nor has she ever messaged me to check in or asked how I am.”

^Shes just using you for emotional support as and when it suits her. Life is too short for this one way friendship.

Original poster
Whyhellothere123 · 06/08/2023 16:24

Because I feel like I need to be available whenever needed. Last month she called me crying at midnight and of course I answered and we spoke for an hour. However since that issue got resolved she hasn’t messaged me once - not once - until just now. And now I fully expect another call one night soon and OF COURSE I will answer and be there for her. But I end up feeling mildly used - as if I’m not important enough to feature in her normal life, but just need to be at the end of the phone when things get bad cos she knows I will be. But when life picks up again she obviously has other friends who are more important? I know she has Friends locally she sees a lot but I don’t think they’re friends she’d turn to when the shit hits the fan. I see a lot of photos on social media of her out with them often so I don’t think it’s too much to ask to send me the odd message to check in or reply to mine?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2023 16:27

last month her cousin had an accident and was in hospital, I sent flowers, checked in daily. 2 months before that her husband had a minor car crash and was off work for a couple of weeks - I sent chocolates / card to her, checked in daily etc.

This is odd to me. Why would you send flowers and chocolates for something like this? Did you send flowers to the cousin or to her? Do you really even know her cousin?

Riverlee · 06/08/2023 16:30

I think it depends what she expects from you.

Is she making you feel guilty for not being a ‘better friend’? For not being at her beck and call, checking in regularly etc? Is the only contact you have a ‘drama’? If so, I can see why this can be a little overbearing. There’s no light moments between the heavy moments.

Also, it’s not your responsibility to be a crutch to her. You don’t have to text every day. That’s more than a lot of closer friends do. I think maybe you are putting to much pressure on yourself, unless you feel she demands this.

is she making her problems everyones’s problems? Does she only need you in the dramas. Is the friendship 9ne-sided?

Original poster
Whyhellothere123 · 06/08/2023 16:31

I sent to her because she was very upset and shaken by it. Just a “thinking of you” type card. And chocolates were for her / her husband together as he was obviously at home for a bit - I don’t think that’s odd? I know her husband well as we have been on holiday together previously.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 06/08/2023 16:32

Just seen your update. So the friendship is one-sided.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 06/08/2023 16:32

It's not drama They are traumatic life events for your friend!
I'm not sure why you can't drop her a( supportive) message that she can read anytime
It's not as if you're meeting up regularly and she is " draining" you
If you've been friends a long time, surely you care and want to help?
Has she been there for you in difficult times?