Exhausted by friend’s drama

[Whyhellothere123]

I have a friend who, for whatever reason, has had a lot of drama in her life. It’s all genuinely serious things, and not exaggerated - but it’s constant. Think things like, her dad getting cancer, her estranged mum dying, her husband being made redundant etc.

she is a very old friend who I would count as one of my best. We don’t live near each other and when we see each other it’s wonderful, but she’s pretty crap at regular contact. She has just received some more news that her daughter had an autoimmune disease. Which will affect her, although manageable, for the rest of her life.
I want to be there to help her - but I’m all honestly I feel totally exhausted and overwhelmed by it all. We haven’t really had much contact since her last “drama” so I feel like cos her life is quite chaotic anyway, there is no “normal friendship” in between these life dramas.

because we don’t talk regularly I find it so hard to suddenly have to make space in my brain to remember to check in on her all the time. I have 3 of my own kids and work full time so I feel like my brain is already at max capacity.

I feel terrible because I so want to be there for her when she needs me - but the sheer amount of drama she has I find exhausting. And because there isn’t general week to week chat in between these dramas it feels like our entire friendship is now based around the latest saga.

when we lived closer we could see each other more frequently so I felt like our friendship wasn’t defined by it. I’ve no doubt she’d be there if I had dramas - but I never seem to have anything which warrants the same (which I’m thankful for).

do I need to suck it up, make space in my brain for another drama and accept it’s the way ot is. Or is it ok to say actually I can’t only be there when something goes wrong, I want to have some normality in our friendship between.

o genuinely feel like my head might explode with the pressure to suddenly answer all these messages and say the right thing and check in etc

You’re getting harsh feedback here OP.

You feel overwhelmed. What you need is boundaries. Decide what you can give and what you can’t. And don’t feel guilty about that, you sound a good friend who’s exhausted trying to manage all this need plus your own very full life.

No judgement from me.

She hasn’t made me feel bad no. But her daughter just got diagnosed with Croans disease so she obviously needs someone to vent to and has been aending lots of messages about how it affects school, and staying with grandparents and fertility etc etc and I think does want / need a reply to these - I couldn’t leave them just unanswered for days?

Sorry I've just seen your update( very slow at typing)
In that case can you initiate general topics to see if things change?
If she always brings the subject back to her, then that's different

Sorry quotes wrong post there

Do you think that she might be mindful that she calls on you when she's at her lowest, OP, so when things are more settled she steers clear so as not to overwhelm you with contact?

If she's as good a friend as you say she is then why not ask her to update you just so that you know she's ok? Why would anybody here be in a better position to give you answers on your friendship?

I also agree with other posters that your use of 'drama' is really misplaced in the events you've described but perhaps you didn't mean that so crassly?

youre right drama is the wrong word as it makes it sound superficial which is why I did try and explain in the op that I understand they are all genuine. But they are dramatic as in big drama filled life events. I don’t mean drama to sound like a “drama llama” way

Like a pp has mentioned, it seems like you need to put better boundaries in place. You don't have to be available to answer her calls at any time.

I do feel like you're contracting yourself saying you never speak, then she constantly calls, then she never contacts you in between these "drama's" but has been sending you lots of messages?

In all sincerity you should step away. Counting the number of times you have labelled serious life events as ‘drama’ shows how little you care.

It doesn't sound like much of a friendship tbh. Maybe once or twice I've rung a friend in crisis at night, and afterwards I've really lavished on the "Thanks for being there" messages.

It's unfortunate because she's had some genuine trauma recently, but it sounds like it's coming at the end of a very long period of her just using you as a dumping ground.

If she never enquires about you, she's not a friend, she's just someone using you. Of course you're exhausted.

This is really difficult OP. I was the friend that lent on friends a lot, and probably still do. A friend gently suggested I do a mind self referral and I started therapy sessions. I’ve sort of learnt now when I’m getting too much and need to offload to a therapist instead of friends. Is it worth suggesting that your friend has experienced a lot and would probably benefit in working through it with a professional?

I understood from your post that you didn’t use ‘drama’ to trivialise or diminish what your friend is going through.

Life goes in peaks and troughs. You can have years of a bad run of things as years of good times. The difference being I am quite happy to be around for my friends regardless.

Are you saying you have no good times together at all?

Well if she is on here then she now knows how you feel. FWIW I get it. These are big life events that have defined her, it's hard to always listen to it and to support someone.

The stuff with her cousin and husband is bloody dramatic and I wouldn't have sent flowers 🤣

Sorry I think I misunderstood you.
Your issue is a one sided friendship that has become draining?
She isn’t putting the same effort into the friendship.

I would tell her, whilst you are very supportive of her ( list examples) you don’t feel it’s reciprocated.

Let her step up, if not pull back.

I wouldn’t keep sending stuff either. A nicely worded message is enough and get on with the rest of your day unless someone is in hospital and seriously ill or died.

Oh give over. Op has acknowledged that the word drama was a poor choice of words, but she has been very clear that she knows how serious most of her friends problems have been.

The issue is that the op's friend uses her as her emotional dumping ground, and aside from that, there isn't too much else to the friendship anymore. This friend never asks the op how she is doing, it just all about the friend, all the time.

Op, I experienced this exact same thing, so I truly know how you feel. I had a friend that I knew since we were 3 years old, grew up together, and we're best friends throughout school. As adults, life took us in different directions and we lived far away from each other, but always kept in touch. However, from when we were about 25, the only time she reached out to me was when she had a problem or there was some dramatic life event she needed to vent about. She never asked about how I was doing, how my family/kids/husband were. Literally never.

It took me 20 more years, but I finally had enough. When I was 45 I ended the "friendship" and I told her why. I felt so used and dismissed by her that I just couldn't remain friends.

If this is how you feel, it's ok to end this relationship with her.

Perhaps RTWT

Another point I would highlight, you acknowledge she would be there if you needed her. That’s a sign of a very good and decent friendship.

Just because you have had the good fortune of having a stress free life up to now, really doesn’t mean it will continue!! You might come to realise the value of this old and trusted relationship when the shit really hits the fan in your own life (which it will, it happens to all of us)

OP, I too think you sound a little spoilt with your good heath fortune.

If you are feeling overwhelmed don't answer the phone late at night, or say you can only stay chatting for 20 mins as you have x to do.

You need to learn boundaries and implement them, but also the say will come when you face adversity and you will look back and remember how you took a normal level of life stress for granted.

The day

No judgment from me OP, it can be very exhausting being someone’s emotional support, especially if that is now all the friendship is based on. IMO that sort of responsibility falls to family members and is beyond what most people would expect from friends. Could you suggest something else like a cinema trip so that you can spend time together and then a drink and chat about other stuff? Or just reply supportively but without taking on the role of main supporter, gradually replying a bit less immediately, less of the cards etc?

Thanks for all the messages - nice and not! I 10000% realise I’ve been incredibly fortunate not to have a lot of bad life events. And she’s been incredibly unlucky. We’ve known each other since we were 5 at primary school hence why I will always be there for her no matter what.
I guess I’m just struggling at the moment as life isn’t rosey for me right now - but nothing as serious as lifelong illness or death etc. So I never feel able to talk to her about these as I feel like the past few years have always been focussed on her more serious issues so I didn’t feel like mine were important - which they weren’t by comparison.
those who said I need boundaries are correct - and I need to realise it’s ok not to answer the phone in the night or reply to messages straight away.

I do need to be a better friend in some ways hence why I wrote as I’m so torn between constant guilt of feeling overwhelmed by events which are someone else’s - and how can I possibly complain when she’s living them.

and if my friend is reading this then I guess this is an opportunity to talk and address this face to face like I should have instead of being a wimp. I obviously won’t bring it up as I don’t know who’s read this but if you live near Leeds then I’m so sorry our conversation started like this but let’s chat.

I'm pleased your friend found this thread. It saves from a fake friendship. There's nothing worse that a friend who grudgingly listens and doesn't really want to be there for you. Well actually there is something worse. A friend who posts about it on mumsnet.

@Pawoo if this is indeed your "friend" I would run as fast as you can. You deserve better.

Harsh but probably fair - I can’t be the friend she needs me to be anymore and it’s better for her she finds someone who can be

Agreed.