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Original poster

Does autism get better?

36 replies

Woodstocks · 02/08/2023 18:48

Hi everyone,

I recently moved next door to a mother with her ten year old autistic son. The walls are extremely thin and we hear him a lot. He screams and shouts, abuses his mother verbally and physically (I once had to call the police). He also frequently wakes in the night and shouts, bangs walls etc which wakes us up.

What to expect in the future? Do autistic children eventually “grow out” of violence? He is only getting stronger and will seriously injure his mother at some stage. Will he at some stage sleep through the night?

I know people aren’t the same and it is hard to predict but what normally happens when autistic kids grow up? I do worry for the mum as we frequently hear her scream in pain.

OP posts:
zooopta · 02/08/2023 18:51

I don't know if you are meaning to come across nasty or if it's just how you've written it but autism isn't going to go away and don't you think mum is likely already doing the best she can?
I doubt any mum wants to wake their neighbours up due to their child's condition. She probably would like to be asleep in her bed without being woken up too

And as for the police? Was it really necessary to phone them?

Align · 02/08/2023 18:55

No, we don't get "better ". I'm now an autistic adult, after being an autistic child.

Funnily enough, we're all different too, so no-one can tell you what this little boy will be like in future. We aren't a different species with one shared outcome.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2023 18:57

zooopta · 02/08/2023 18:51

I don't know if you are meaning to come across nasty or if it's just how you've written it but autism isn't going to go away and don't you think mum is likely already doing the best she can?
I doubt any mum wants to wake their neighbours up due to their child's condition. She probably would like to be asleep in her bed without being woken up too

And as for the police? Was it really necessary to phone them?

If she was screaming in pain because he was attacking her, yes, it was necessary.

Original poster
Woodstocks · 02/08/2023 18:57

I don’t mean to be nasty and I think she probably does try her hardest. She doesn’t really have any options? I know it won’t go away but I am wondering if it does improve, I.e. would grown up people with autism still act violently towards others or do they learn to regulate this? I’m genuinely asking as I don’t have any othwr exposure to this.

As for the police- who knows if it was “necessary” but I could hear her through the walls shouting for help and that he was beating her and loud thrashing noises. I’m not sure if ignoring her being beaten up is better?

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 02/08/2023 19:03

There are range of outcomes from from learning to regulate with lots of support to get there, to residential care and medication.

Icedlatteplease · 02/08/2023 19:05

Woodstocks · 02/08/2023 18:57

I don’t mean to be nasty and I think she probably does try her hardest. She doesn’t really have any options? I know it won’t go away but I am wondering if it does improve, I.e. would grown up people with autism still act violently towards others or do they learn to regulate this? I’m genuinely asking as I don’t have any othwr exposure to this.

As for the police- who knows if it was “necessary” but I could hear her through the walls shouting for help and that he was beating her and loud thrashing noises. I’m not sure if ignoring her being beaten up is better?

Omfg yes. Call tge police every single time. Absolutely the right thing to do. If you are really worried call social services safeguarding team... the police should be doing this every single time too.

I say this as mum of a very unsafe DC with Autism

Curledupwithabook · 02/08/2023 19:07

It's impossible to know because as others have said, needs are different. However teenage years are often harder, because teenage hormones and mood swings affect autistic children just as they would NT children. So be prepared that it could be worse before it gets better.

There is little effective support for parents with children who are violent to them, and it's a really difficult situation for a parent to be in. If you're genuinely worried about their safety then a welfare call to the police can be valid, both the parent and child is vulnerable in that situation.

ExtraOnions · 02/08/2023 19:11

It’s a spectrum

DD17 doesn’t have the violent outbursts she used to have a younger teen. A mix of her growing in, me changing my style, therapy & medication.

TwitTwont · 02/08/2023 19:13

Young adult DS used to be pretty rage induced and hurt us or damage the house, he has settled down a lot and it has been 3 years since he’s kicked doors in, smashed a TV or tried to hit DH.
I couldn’t say if it’s down to age, leaving school, different friends or what tbh.

We are detached but when we were semi we also called the police when our neighbour was screaming as her ASC teen was trying to kick his way into the house after she’d resorted to locking the door on him. Our whole house was shaking and we were concerned for her safety. The police did take him away. Had we still been semi during DS teen years I’m sure they would have called the police on us at times. I would have been grateful too.

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 19:14

Autism takes on many forms.

Some do I prove as they get older as they develop strategies to cope. Others don't

It must be hard to live next door to that TBF as you are also having to cope with their child

There really is little they can do to stop this

geoger · 02/08/2023 19:18

Some children, with age, strategies, medication etc will grow out of the violence. You did nothing wrong by calling the police. The mum is doing her best but must be completely overwhelmed.
Be kind to her, invite her in for cup of tea, ask to go out for a walk (with or without her ds - maybe if he’s at school). She will be feeling lonely and isolated and maybe a bit embarrassed- reassure her you’re ok with the noise etc

Original poster
Woodstocks · 02/08/2023 19:18

It’s hard to know how to behave as it obviously affects our lives too what with being woken up in the night and the step kids hearing swearing as he shouts so loud. I know that everyone is different and it’s hard to say how he might turn out but it would be helpful to know what to expect and also how to handle the violence as it’s hard not to want to help if another person is clearly being hurt.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 02/08/2023 19:19

I don’t think it’s possible to know how he’ll develop. My dd has asd but is not violent. She’s 11 and is changing, more challenging in some ways.

It is unlikely things will improve dramatically or quickly, and as he hits puberty that does bring its challenges. He could get worse, but improve later in his teens.

Earhell · 02/08/2023 19:21

I'm reading this with interest. My asd boy is nearly 7. He gets right in our faces and screams abuse at us. He hurts us on a daily basis and is physically aggressive. We've never ever treated him like that so it feels awful that he's learnt this. I feel like an absolute failure

lollipoprainbow · 02/08/2023 19:23

I'm mum to an 11 year old with autism who screams shouts and is violent to me. Our new neighbours of two weeks have already reported me to our letting agent. I'm terrified we'll be evicted so yes I hope she gets better but I can't see it and I'm now walking on eggshells.

geoger · 02/08/2023 19:25

lollipoprainbow · 02/08/2023 19:23

I'm mum to an 11 year old with autism who screams shouts and is violent to me. Our new neighbours of two weeks have already reported me to our letting agent. I'm terrified we'll be evicted so yes I hope she gets better but I can't see it and I'm now walking on eggshells.

That’s terrible you poor thing. Have you spoken to them to explain the situation?

lollipoprainbow · 02/08/2023 19:32

@geoger not sure the neighbour would understand she was quite aggressive and swore at me in front of dd! She then promptly reported me.

Nannydoodles · 02/08/2023 19:33

Zooopta I actually think you are the one coming across as nasty not OP.
Not everyone has the experience of knowing someone close to them with Autism so how else do they find out without asking questions that might be obvious to others?
It seems to me that some posters are so quick to find fault nowadays it’s sad.

kezziegrey · 02/08/2023 19:34

I used to work at a school for autistic children between 14-18. Some of them were very violent but I did learn to understand their triggers. One boy was put on medication and his behaviour completely changed from being violent and unpredictable to extremely gentle and placid. I didn't work there for long but that's what I observed whilst there.

EspanolSiesta · 02/08/2023 19:35

It might get better..........it might get worse.
My friend went through a very difficult time with her son at around the same age and he has settled down a lot now, puberty can be difficult.

Lougle · 02/08/2023 19:37

@Woodstocks if you're concerned about what to do if violence is displayed, perhaps ask the DM. If you're concerned that the noise and swearing will continue, the likelihood is that it will, at least in the short term, and if that's not acceptable to you, you might want to think about moving. I don't think this is a situation where you can expect the Mum to change anything.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 02/08/2023 20:00

On calling the police - that was actually really helpful for us that somebody did that when DS was having a meltdown. The police were really helpful and put in a report, that alongside the input from everyone else involved and a lot of work by the schools ALNCo meant DS was assessed in just over a year rather than over two and we're now recieving a lot of help and support.

More generally - as others have said there is no way of knowing. Things with DS escalated badly last year due to issues at school and the meltdowns were horrendous and often daily or more than one a day. I did have a chat with our neighbours to explain what was going on and they were lovely.

After changing schools and attending a group to help with emotional wellbeing, it's currently more like 4-6 weeks between meltdowns.

Chickenpie35 · 02/08/2023 20:09

Fuckinghell
just wow. What do you want them to do? Jaol him to the floor and tape his mouth. You are something else I feel ashamed for you

Elleherd · 02/08/2023 20:09

Autism doesn't go away. Some people with it are able to self manage better as they mature. But quite often a gift that keeps randomly giving in unexpected ways.
Re 'wanting to help if another person is clearly being hurt' ask his mum what she wants to happen or not in these situations. If she's shouting for help, it is reasonable to assume she wants intervention.

My Dc wasn't aggressive but did go through some screaming self harming meltdowns when he was in school, which ended when we went for home ed.

Now late 20's in a highly responsible convoluted job and struggling at the same time my health is breaking. I'm suddenly on the receiving end of equivalent of 13 to 15 asd puberty behaviors and praying it's not upseting the neighbors.

Chickenpie35 · 02/08/2023 20:10

**nail

Does autism go away? Just wow, I can't even.