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Original poster

42 year old man struggling to find way

37 replies

Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:24

Hi all,

I posted the other night (thanks to everyone who replied) but wanted to post again to see if anyone could help direct me.

Basically, I am a 42 yo man. I have my own place, decent job, friends (they have families etc which obviously limits their availability) and a good family.

Well liked (I think!)

I have had bad anxiety for most of my life. It’s actually much more under control now but I still have moments where it gets too much.

I have never really launched away from my family home. Spend too much time there etc, never had a girlfriend etc. Generally feel lost in life, and lacking identity.

I have buried my head in the sand for years but see friends,
peers etc moving forward in their lives and I feel quite lost (but not hugely unhappy or anything).

I want to improve things, despite some internal resistance, but not sure how/what to try. It seems like a mountain at the moment.

Posting this on here, as I can’t think of anywhere better.

Thanks!

OP posts:
CandyflossKaren · 01/08/2023 20:26

Well there's the obvious one, online dating!

What's the anxiety on relation to? Going out? New people?

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:28

Its quite general and has become a fear of the fear to an extent.

I think what scares me is the growing up and making my own way/path. Bit pathetic, I know!

OP posts:
CarnelianArtist · 01/08/2023 20:30

I'd join a hobby group. Are there things in your town like painting clubs, salsa, book clubs, lamguage lessons, walking groups etc..

Try meetup app, Facebook, local notice boards.

I think online dating can be like throwing yourself in the deep end. Hobby groups are a great way to meet people in more relaxed way. Hosts are usually very understanding if you're shy.

Glockamorra · 01/08/2023 20:33

Dating is not going to work for anyone involved until you come to terms with your anxiety and fear of growing up, and feel like an adult human being who takes responsibility for his own choices. Have you tried therapy? It sounds as if there’s a lot to unpick in your feelings of lostness, failure to launch and lack of identity.

Dacadactyl · 01/08/2023 20:35

Yes I think you need to see a therapist to work on your anxiety issues first

Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 20:35

Take a leap and move away, beyond the radius of your family. If you want a more independent life that you carve for yourself, you're going to have to go get it. It's not going to happen on its own. Sometimes a big change is the only way to shake things up.

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:35

Thanks. I had a series of sessions earlier this year with a counsellor, who I got on well with. Starting another set of 10, I think, from tomorrow.

OP posts:
NumberFortyNorhamGardens · 01/08/2023 20:35

There’s an interesting article in one of the recent papers - the Telegraph I think (it may be behind a paywall) - about the ‘hikikomori’ in Japan (men in very much the same situation as you). They’re now recognising that this problem needs social solutions.

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:39

Re: hikikomori, I had a long period like this to quite an extreme level, from 18/19-25ish. Again, failure to launch and being scared.

OP posts:
Bookridden · 01/08/2023 20:40

Nothing to add but I wanted to tell the OP that you come across as a pleasant and insightful person. I would also be curious to know what you think you "should" have achieved that you haven't. I think you may be being too hard on yourself as none of us have it together, and you're not alone in feeling some existential angst.

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:43

Thanks! I guess being independent and confident with that.

See friends, colleagues, others having this and starting families etc. Has been making me sad recently (at times).

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 01/08/2023 20:43

Hi @Adviceneeded42 i literally went my whole life not being able to commit, it scared me so much and oh god marriage was even more scary. As soon as my boyfriend would mention marriage i was out of there. Then i would spend months on end watching others move on and nothing was happening for me. I turned 40 and my boyfriend and me started talking marriage, i took the plunge and oh god it was scary but as soon as i done it the fear left. My baby is the best thing to have come out of my marriage, if i didn't take the plunge i wouldn't be sitting here with my baby girl. My advice to you would be take the plunge and experience life! All the best in whichever path you decide to take 🌝

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:44

Thanks Summer and all others who have/will respond.

OP posts:
hahahahahahahahahah · 01/08/2023 20:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2023 20:48

Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:39

Re: hikikomori, I had a long period like this to quite an extreme level, from 18/19-25ish. Again, failure to launch and being scared.

I think you have to b kind to yourself and recognise that while other young people were dealing with their insecurities and trying things out and making mistakes, you were completely avoiding that. The chances are that you are therefore 6 years 'behind' in this development. Which means you're going to have to deal with all the teen/twenties mistakes and insecurities now.

Work on accepting that it's going to be bumpy and THAT is how we learn. No one launches without a few trial runs.

Great that you're seeking help. Work hard on that and on being uncomfortable. The more you do it, the less it will be.

Original poster
Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:53

Thanks. How will just talking about it help, though? Surely action is what will change it?

OP posts:
VerveClique · 01/08/2023 20:56

Seriously I know a man that this happened to. He's 94 (!) and has so many regrets. Don't let that be you if that's not what you want!!

The best way to get to know people is to help others. It takes the pressure off the hobby/activity etc. Do something regular seems to be populated by people you'd like to hang out with... sports coaching, working in a homeless shelter, school governor, countryside restoration. Even if you don't meet ' Your people' there it will build your confidence and allow you to try something else.

Give what you have... Your time, health, insights, relative youth... To get what you want... closeness, a sense of belonging, personal achievement.

CarnelianArtist · 01/08/2023 21:09

Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:53

Thanks. How will just talking about it help, though? Surely action is what will change it?

I think action in the form of going our, making friends first for 3 months. Then maybe try dating. Having anxiety doesn't mean you can't date. There are some kind people out there.

Choux · 01/08/2023 21:18

So paraphrasing your posts - you have your own place but still spend a lot of time at your parent's house. You haven't much relationship experience and now feel like that is something you want as you see many of your friends and colleagues settled and having families.

Is that an accurate summary? If it is then I would say your counselling sessions are coming at a good time to discuss your fears about changing your status quo and putting yourself out there. But in the end you will need to take some action - feel the fear and do it anyway!

Start small and build up. Off the top of my head - you may already do some of these - do your colleagues ever have work drinks? Do you go? Start getting used to talking to people in social settings. Try to sieze opportunities to talk to colleagues you don't know well - make small talk, ask questions.

Then try mixing with strangers! Meetup.com groups - walks, cinema groups might be a place to start. Or a hobby type thing - painting class, choir volunteering group etc. something where there is an activity rather than it being 100% talking. Try to talk to women where you can just to get a bit of practice.

At this point you could try speed dating - just with the intention to practice and improve your small talk and get more used to socialising with the opposite sex.

Then it's just a case of living your life, getting out there, doing what you enjoy and seeing if you meet anyone you want to spend more one on one time with. When you are ready I bet colleagues and friends have plenty of females they think you might get along with.

Good Luck!

Laiste · 01/08/2023 21:20

Basically, I am a 42 yo man. I have my own place, decent job, friends (they have families etc which obviously limits their availability) and a good family.

I have never really launched away from my family home

Don't quite get what you mean here OP. You have your own place or still with parents?

In what way do you want to launch? Are you talking specifically about dating? If so - be frank.

Also, i know counceling is popular and helpful. But be wary of continuing on and on with it instead of getting out there and doing life. You risk turning into someone who is too introspective in the end.

XelaM · 01/08/2023 21:21

I'm single 🙋‍♀️

Choux · 01/08/2023 21:23

XelaM · 01/08/2023 21:21

I'm single 🙋‍♀️

XelaM is first in what could become a rather long MN queue!

AdrianeMole · 01/08/2023 21:23

There's an active thread on here about a soon to be 39 year old lady looking to meet someone and have a child. You guys could hook up. In all seriousness if you're a nice guy there are plenty of women our there for you to have that family life you see your friends getting

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 21:24

Adviceneeded42 · 01/08/2023 20:53

Thanks. How will just talking about it help, though? Surely action is what will change it?

Exactly. You need to take action. It seems pretty clear that you know what your issues have been, now you need to step outside of your comfort zone and do something different. Big different. Why haven't you?

Some may disagree, but too much talky-talky with a therapist can just become you constantly ruminating that isn't getting you anywhere.

Chickenkeev · 01/08/2023 21:25

Anxiety is a bitch. It's really life limiting. Get meds and therapy. It's crappy, i feel your pain.