42 year old man struggling to find way

[Adviceneeded42]

Hi all,

I posted the other night (thanks to everyone who replied) but wanted to post again to see if anyone could help direct me.

Basically, I am a 42 yo man. I have my own place, decent job, friends (they have families etc which obviously limits their availability) and a good family.

Well liked (I think!)

I have had bad anxiety for most of my life. It’s actually much more under control now but I still have moments where it gets too much.

I have never really launched away from my family home. Spend too much time there etc, never had a girlfriend etc. Generally feel lost in life, and lacking identity.

I have buried my head in the sand for years but see friends,
peers etc moving forward in their lives and I feel quite lost (but not hugely unhappy or anything).

I want to improve things, despite some internal resistance, but not sure how/what to try. It seems like a mountain at the moment.

Posting this on here, as I can’t think of anywhere better.

Thanks!

Ha ha, thanks all for being friendly and helpful.

Yes, Choux, that’s an accurate representation of my current situation.

Laiste, have my own place (mortgage) but split time between the two.

Someone mentioned on-line dating….in the nicest possible way I’d give that a miss for a while, it can be brutal and you need to build up your confidence first. Can you look at joining a group or hobby ? What interests you ? book club, art, walking, history societies, choir, church or volunteer at a food bank, or charity. You will be able to meet like minded people in a relaxed environment where friendships and more can grow. You will find your person when you are least expecting it if you can get yourself out and about.

Walking groups are always fun. The worst that can happen is...you've had a walk. 😊

Just get out there. Women are keen to find solvent men who want relationships.

This!! If you're nice and have a job - that's pretty much all a woman wants 🤷‍♀️(or maybe that's just me 😂)

I would go for hobby groups etc first, stretch your social muscles etc before on-line dating.

Most women just want a nice person who isn’t lazy, sexist or a lout etc. I think if you are basically a normal decent human being without substance abuse problems/serious porn habit, who is able to keep his home and himself clean and tidy can look after yourself you are most of the way there in desirability for the average woman.

OP you sound exactly like me! I am 39 - and relationships just ... haven't happened. It's now nearly 20 years since I've kissed someone. In most respects I'm pretty normal, I have some wonderful old friends, family I'm very (too?) close to, normal jobs where I get on well with colleagues. But I've had a huge anxiety that's just stopped me. And of course, the longer it's been, the more it's a hurdle. What kind of guy wouldn't think I've had some serious issues to go this long? I guess it is a serious issue, but it's not been because I've just not addressed it!

Anyway, just wanted to say, you're not alone. I think forums like this can be brilliant and making you realise that because in our own worlds we only see such a small part of other people's lives.

has become a fear of the fear to an extent

Very common. Have a look at Tim Box's Ted X 'how not to feel anxious about anxiety"

My best mate is a similar age to me (and you), has been single for an age. Super accomplished woman. She's hooked up with a childhood friend in the last while, totally out of the blue. It's all very random.

You may find CBT helpful - it sounds like you are afraid of uncertainty, but accepting a certain amount of it is necessary in life - CBT can help with that.

i seriously want to set up up with my cousin!!

To get what you want, you have to give what you have.

So your time, skills, good health... obviously give these in a way that will be respected.

And your questions will be answered.