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Original poster

Daughter's deceased father lied

41 replies

idrinkandiknowthings · 01/08/2023 14:31

Hi, I'm not sure whether this is the right place to put this.

I conceived unexpectedly when I was 38 (I believed that I was infertile). I'd only been with the guy for a few weeks. I told him the day I found out and two days later he vanished without trace, not responding to any of my calls or messages.

Four months into my pregnancy he contacted me asking to talk. We rekindled the relationship, but by then I'd met someone else and I couldn't forgive him for his treatment of me so we split. He did say he'd take me to my third scan but he didn't turn up and I had to get a cab at the last minute.

When I had the baby I sent him a text letting him know he had a daughter. He responded immediately in gushing terms. He came to see her and took her to visit his parents, with whom I'd had no contact whatsoever.

Contact lasted all of a few weeks before he disappeared again. I made a further attempt when my daughter was 4 years old. Again, it lasted a short period before he absented himself.

I made my daughter aware of her parentage when she was old enough to understand and two weeks before her 12th birthday in December she asked to see him. I sent him a message via Facebook and he responded immediately saying how much he'd love to.

We arranged to meet and he was clearly overwhelmed. Given his previous track record I didn't believe it would last much beyond Christmas, but surprisingly it did and they had 4 and a half years of decent contact.

He told us 18 months ago that he had terminal cancer and he died 3 weeks ago.

We went to his funeral on Friday just gone and one of his old friends said to me, "I remember when XXX brought [name redacted] to see me when she was just a baby. He came in and said, "Look what I've got", because...he didn't know about her did he?". I was absolutely astounded. I simply replied, "Let's not go there shall we".

He clearly told his family and friends that I didn't tell him I was pregnant and he knew nothing about her until she was born.

I literally can't stop thinking about it. It does make perfect sense - he's hardly going to tell people that he left a pregnant woman two days after she told him.

I'm desperate to put his family and friends straight but obviously their grief at his loss is raw.

Should I just let it go or leave it some time before raising it?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2023 14:39

I'd let it go. It doesn't matter what they think of you and it really matters what they think of him now he's gone and can't make amends.

I hope your DD is OK in all this.

LIZS · 01/08/2023 14:44

I'm not sure it really should matter now whether they suspect or know, He abandoned you both after she was born and for many years. Actions speak louder than words. He was a crap dad.

Spirallingdownwards · 01/08/2023 14:47

As long as your daughter knows the truth , that's all that matters.

heartofglass23 · 01/08/2023 14:49

If his family and friends aren't completely naive they'll have sense that he's been lying.

I'm sure my ex lied to everyone. No way he admitted to abandoning his dc.

I don't give a sh*t.

But make sure your DD gets her inheritance.

HollyHillock · 01/08/2023 14:50

I'd let it go. It doesn't matter what they think of you and it really matters what they think of him now he's gone and can't make amends

Sensible words there.

FearTheWankingDead · 01/08/2023 14:50

Just to let you know you might have put your daughters name in your post?

villamariavintrapp · 01/08/2023 14:52

Even if they believe he didn't know about her until she was born, it'd still be clear to them that he didn't bother again until she was a teenager..

Gateappreciation · 01/08/2023 14:54

Nows not the time, but maybe in the future if a suitable moment arises.

ivykaty44 · 01/08/2023 14:54

Sounds like the old friend knew, and thus the statement was in the form of a question - you answered the question most diplomatically

They know he wasn't consistent in keeping a relationship with his daughter.

What has happened though is your dd had a chance to get to know her father and you made sure you didn't stand in the way of that relationship and the fact you supported your dd and attended the funeral speaks volumes about you as a person.

Apricotton · 01/08/2023 14:56

I’m in a different but similar in many ways scenario. I understand wanting to put the record straight. In truth I wonder if you’ll end up further disheartened as people either won’t believe you (won’t want to believe you) or will somehow make it your fault anyway. Speaking from bitter experience.

ThreeRingCircus · 01/08/2023 14:56

I would let it go. They know he was crap and wasn't in contact with her for the vast majority of her childhood. It's done now and he's gone so I'd just move on. I hope your daughter is OK.

ZebraD · 01/08/2023 14:57

If you still see them with your daughter and you get in we’ll just leave it. No point in upsetting things if they are nice. If you don’t get in we’ll with them then they will just think you are spiteful so either way you lose. You know what happened and letting anyone else know will not achieve anything

LatteLady · 01/08/2023 15:07

You have to let it go. When my sister died, I heard someone who really did not know her give a eulogy, that was sanitised, inaccurate and I did not recognise her at all. I also spotted our family photos, misattributed because no one asked me. However, my friends who knew Annette were there, as were members of our family, I just know that when her husband dies she will give him hell for what he has done.

So yes, you have to let it go but hold on to the fact that you know what really happened... mind you, it is bloody difficult at times.

JenniferBarkley · 01/08/2023 15:31

I wouldn't say anything. If someone in the family says something I'd gently correct them and say but it doesn't matter now, it's all water under the bridge.

PinkIcedCream · 01/08/2023 15:37

Annoyingly, dead people are often elevated to sainthood!

Don’t waste time ruminating and feeling annoyed by history being re-written to your detriment because even if you did tell some home truths, some people simply won’t accept the reality.

You’ve always done your best by your daughter and that’s really all that matters.

Peachy2005 · 01/08/2023 15:45

I would have gently corrected the person, even at the funeral. If it arises again, I would correct whoever says it. However, if you don’t really have to see these people again, just try to let it go.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/08/2023 15:48

Did he have other children? Has she been left his estate?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/08/2023 16:37

At some point I'd have to set the record straight. Especially if he gave the impression that I intentionally 'hid' the pregnancy from him and he was 'so happy to be a dad so wasn't that a shame'. Also, if there is the slightest chance that someone on his side might tell my child 'You know, your mum didn't tell your dad about you until after you were born" I'd definitely want the truth out there.

VisionsOfSplendour · 01/08/2023 16:45

Are you ever going to see these people again? I wouldn't be too worried, if the subject ever did come up in the future just politely say they are mistaken or have mis remembered, he knew you were pregnant right from the off and let them decide whether they want to pursue the conversation

mindutopia · 01/08/2023 16:56

Just leave it. This was presumably 18 years ago? It’s very likely his friend has not remembered correctly. I truly cannot remember meeting my friends now adult children and I actually know them, so you think it would be more memorable! Sometimes people fill in the gaps with explanations that aren’t really what happened. Or maybe he was embarrassed. I think focus on supporting your dd and make sure she knows the truth if she asks, and focus on the 4 good years as that will be really precious to her now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2023 17:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2023 14:39

I'd let it go. It doesn't matter what they think of you and it really matters what they think of him now he's gone and can't make amends.

I hope your DD is OK in all this.

I absolutely agree with this. Your anger and upset is with your daughter’s father, and it’s completely understandable. But his family and friends had no part in his behaviour; and visiting your anger and upset upon them, when they have lost their relative and friend and all they have of him are memories and no opportunity to ask him for an explanation or defence, would just add to their grief and wouldn’t change who he was or what he did. You’d be hurting the wrong people, with nothing gained yourself.

I also hope your DD is coping okay with this.

diddl · 01/08/2023 17:30

"I remember when XXX brought (name redacted as per OP) to see me when she was just a baby. He came in and said, "Look what I've got", because...he didn't know about her did he?".

Well he obviously did know about her if he was taking her to see his friends when she was "just a baby"!

I don't think I would have been able to stop myself saying "of course he knew I told him when she was born"

Pinkitydrinkity · 01/08/2023 17:34

Probably best to let it go. But for what it’s worth, I think it’s really unfair for someone to say that to you at a funeral.

TonTonMacoute · 01/08/2023 17:36

It may be that your DD can have a positive relationship with her father family in future, I wouldn't do anything to taint that.

The truth can come out in time, be the better person.

afishcalledbreanda · 01/08/2023 17:45

I hope that in the circumstances you describe, OP, I'd have been quick enough to say: 'Ah, is that what he told you?' And raise a sceptical eyebrow.

I think you have every right to be indignant and have no responsibility to be unduly kind to him — after all, he wasn't kind to you or your daughter, was he, until it suited him. If there's an opportunity to set the record straight, I'd take it.

And contrary to what so many here are saying, it can be a great relief to talk honestly about the dead instead of beatifying them. I have an acquaintance whose father was known to have been exceptionally abusive in every imaginable way to her and her mother. She had to walk out of his funeral after the third eulogy about what a wonderful man he was, she couldn't take any more of it. Several others followed her in protest and insisted on speaking the truth at the pub afterwards. It wasn't good form but it was an important moment in her recovery, hearing others acknowledge that he'd been a brute.