Daughter's deceased father lied

[idrinkandiknowthings]

Hi, I'm not sure whether this is the right place to put this.

I conceived unexpectedly when I was 38 (I believed that I was infertile). I'd only been with the guy for a few weeks. I told him the day I found out and two days later he vanished without trace, not responding to any of my calls or messages.

Four months into my pregnancy he contacted me asking to talk. We rekindled the relationship, but by then I'd met someone else and I couldn't forgive him for his treatment of me so we split. He did say he'd take me to my third scan but he didn't turn up and I had to get a cab at the last minute.

When I had the baby I sent him a text letting him know he had a daughter. He responded immediately in gushing terms. He came to see her and took her to visit his parents, with whom I'd had no contact whatsoever.

Contact lasted all of a few weeks before he disappeared again. I made a further attempt when my daughter was 4 years old. Again, it lasted a short period before he absented himself.

I made my daughter aware of her parentage when she was old enough to understand and two weeks before her 12th birthday in December she asked to see him. I sent him a message via Facebook and he responded immediately saying how much he'd love to.

We arranged to meet and he was clearly overwhelmed. Given his previous track record I didn't believe it would last much beyond Christmas, but surprisingly it did and they had 4 and a half years of decent contact.

He told us 18 months ago that he had terminal cancer and he died 3 weeks ago.

We went to his funeral on Friday just gone and one of his old friends said to me, "I remember when XXX brought [name redacted] to see me when she was just a baby. He came in and said, "Look what I've got", because...he didn't know about her did he?". I was absolutely astounded. I simply replied, "Let's not go there shall we".

He clearly told his family and friends that I didn't tell him I was pregnant and he knew nothing about her until she was born.

I literally can't stop thinking about it. It does make perfect sense - he's hardly going to tell people that he left a pregnant woman two days after she told him.

I'm desperate to put his family and friends straight but obviously their grief at his loss is raw.

Should I just let it go or leave it some time before raising it?

I’m a bit surprised people are saying to completely let it go. Like someone else said, this is damaging false information that could be hurtful towards your daughter in future- perhaps in an attempt to elevate him and have her question if you’ve deceived her (kept them apart). At the very least, make it crystal clear to your daughter it is not true and why.

In my experience, people who lie rely very heavily on others not sharing information.

The person at the funeral sounds like a shit stirrer. In what world is that a conversation starter, let alone at a funeral.

You should let it go but I'd be absolutely RAGING if I were you and dying to tell everyone.

You're doing a good thing ranting on here not in real life though. Sorry he was such a useless shit. Your daughter is lucky to have you!

I think this will play out over time, mainly as he was absent for so much of her life it would be interesting to know what he said to the family then. Big leap but I imagine he may have said you refused him contact.

right now when the grief is so raw is not the time to go through it, but hopefully your dd can have a relationship with them and it can be addressed at a point in the future.

I don't think I'd have been able to stop myself saying 'Er, no, he knew' to the inappropriate friend.

Excellent self control OP.

Hope he’s left something for your daughter, I would leave it unless someone says it to your daughter.

Why correct them though?

It is not about being kind to him. It is being kind to the family.

For the daughter's sake. OP has been the only real parent she's known, she doesn't need any doubts about whether OP kept her a secret from her dad or prevented access.

But OP can be truthful without being hurtful to grieving parents.

Who gives a shit?
you don’t know them, if they believe he didn’t know then fine
But how does he then explain why he was barely in her life for years?
it’s irrelevant really.

the persons very rude to say that to you at a funeral
and incredibly stupid too, both to say it and believe it.
don’t give much thought to the opinions of rude and stupid people.

She knows her mother's version. If she has any doubts, they will not be corrected through conversation with his family.

Thanks everyone for your replies and sage advice.

I think, on balance, you're right and I should keep quiet, if only not to hurt his parents.

I don't want to sully my daughter's memory of him, but if the subject ever came up in the future I'd tell her the truth. He has three sons from a previous relationship and only one came to the funeral, albeit reluctantly. I'd love to know what went on there!

BTW - anyone know how to remove my DD's name from my original post? Forgot who mentioned it but thanks for pointing that out!

If you report your post to MN they might remove the name OP

We probably all find certain ages of our kids easier than others, but it's annoying to think of a dad sampling each age of your dd and deciding he couldn't be bothered until she got to 12 (and contacted him.) Not what you were asking, but at least your dd will know you were there through every age, not just the easier ones.

@JenniferBarkley ta!! x