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Original poster

Who should pay? Childless friend vs friend with kids

45 replies

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 13:16

Hello.
Need some advice please.

Im travelling abroad to see my friend and her family with my partner. She has 2 kids while I am childless (currently struggling to conceieve and are starting ivf soon)

A lot of the time my friend mentions how tight they are for money (her parents are pretty well off)

If we go out together i do often pay for things (i work full time and have an average wage)
The issue im having is it normal for me to feel like i HAVE to pay for most things?

I do often feel guilty if she pays for drinks/lunch as in the back of my mind i think she has 2 kids to support and I don't.

As were visiting them whats the correct protocal for this?

Its also the same when going out with my sister or any friends with kids really. I often feel like its expected of me to pay the bigger bills (even though its not asked, i know its always very gratefully appreciated)

Is this normal?

OP posts:
Lkahsvtv · 01/08/2023 13:21

No that’s not normal; you pay your half and there’s no need to pay anything for them unless you want to but the minute it’s expected i’d stop.
Think about what you’d do if you were visiting a friend without DC and just do that when you visit; whether that be that you take them out for a meal to say thank you for hosting you or contribute to the food bill etc

MsSquiz · 01/08/2023 13:24

Are you staying with them at their house? So the paying for things could be seen as a reciprocation?

If not, then no you shouldn't have to pay for everything all the time. If they cannot afford to do things, they shouldn't choose to do them. Unless you wish to offer as a treat for you all?

NightShiftDrama · 01/08/2023 13:37

Why is it relevant to put that her parents are well off?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:40

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 13:16

Hello.
Need some advice please.

Im travelling abroad to see my friend and her family with my partner. She has 2 kids while I am childless (currently struggling to conceieve and are starting ivf soon)

A lot of the time my friend mentions how tight they are for money (her parents are pretty well off)

If we go out together i do often pay for things (i work full time and have an average wage)
The issue im having is it normal for me to feel like i HAVE to pay for most things?

I do often feel guilty if she pays for drinks/lunch as in the back of my mind i think she has 2 kids to support and I don't.

As were visiting them whats the correct protocal for this?

Its also the same when going out with my sister or any friends with kids really. I often feel like its expected of me to pay the bigger bills (even though its not asked, i know its always very gratefully appreciated)

Is this normal?

I'm childfree by choice and have never felt this way.

People, including those with children, need to socialize within their means, not expect constant subsidies.

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 01/08/2023 13:43

I have kids and I have child free friends. I’d expect my friend to pay for their stuff and for me to pay for my stuff and that if my kids.

when my friends stays with us we feed him etc and then every so often he buys a takeaway for us all, or brings the beer, something to contribute.

there should be no expectation for you to pay for them!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 13:44

Childfree from choice here. No you don't have to pay for it all. Do they actually expect it or do you think that they do? just because you don't have children to pay for doesn't mean you have unlimited income.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2023 13:45

What?!

Of course you shouldn’t be paying for their stuff! They’re ridiculously entitled to have that expectation of you.

Backstreets · 01/08/2023 13:46

Not normal. If I’m visiting of course I’ll pay for a meal or groceries as thanks but the only people I will pick up the tab for socially are younger relatives. They must think you’re loaded to be doing this.

CatsOnTheChair · 01/08/2023 13:47

Are you staying with the friends? If so, I'd expect to pick up way over half the bills, as compensation for the free lodgings.
If you are staying in paid for accomadation, pay your share of any bills - so probably less than half.

Imogensmumma · 01/08/2023 13:51

No I wouldn’t expect someone childless by choice or not by choice to ever pay for me.

However, if I gave you free accommodation I’d love you to pay for dinner but preferably organised in advance so I can get a babysitter and we can have a lovely meal and drinks catching up.

So no don’t pay for everything pay for yourself or take your friend out for dinner or cook and clean one night as a massive thank you.

Original poster
Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 13:51

Thanks for your reply. I think its more me than them. I do have it in my head alot that they dont have much money etc etc which makes me feel guilty. I think i need to stop feeling so guilty. Not sure why i do tbh!
X
@CatsOnTheChair

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/08/2023 13:51

If you are staying in their home and they are taking trips and going places they wouldn't usually do to entertain you, then it would be reasonable to pay more. If you are staying in a hotel and they can choose whether to go out or not, then just pay your own half.

WhateverMate · 01/08/2023 13:53

Not sure what her parents finances have to do with anything?

But are you staying for free at her house? If so, I'd pay more often than not.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 13:55

A lot of the time my friend mentions how tight they are for money

I think your friend is taking advantage a bit here and setting you up to expect to pay. If I stay with someone I'll buy dinner and/or pay for a grocery shop, but if they're hard up then maybe investigate doing stuff that doesn't involve spending lots.

Do you think she sees you as a bit of a soft touch?

PearlHandle · 01/08/2023 13:58

I think your friend is taking advantage a bit here and setting you up to expect to pay.

Unless the OP is staying there in which case I'd say it was normal to pay for some other things that are happening such as a day out and some of the food.

Whadda · 01/08/2023 13:59

You shouldn’t feel you have to pay for things all the time.

You need to set expectations. If you’re staying with her, something like “Dave and I would like to take you all for dinner on the 10th to say thank you for having us. The rest of the time we’ll just split or do our own thing and meet up later”.

That said, if you do offer to pay for things and that offer is accepted, I don’t think you can be annoyed that you’re paying for her kids. I don’t have children (happily/by choice) and by best friend has one. If we go out we take it in turns to pay for dinner/lunch. Sometimes that means I’m paying for two, sometimes it’s three. It’s not a big deal and I’m not all that transactional with my friends.

Similarly, if I had three kids and she had two, I wouldn’t expect her to say “I’ll pay for our meals, my two children, and two of yours, but you’ll have to pay for your third child yourself”.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 14:01

PearlHandle · 01/08/2023 13:58

I think your friend is taking advantage a bit here and setting you up to expect to pay.

Unless the OP is staying there in which case I'd say it was normal to pay for some other things that are happening such as a day out and some of the food.

I agree. When DM was alive and I went to visit her I'd buy groceries but and meals out but I don't think OP should be paying for everything when they go out just because a) she's childless and b) friend is strapped for cash. She does have to pay for her flight to see the friend and she's going through IVF, as well.

Peony654 · 01/08/2023 14:02

Of course you shouldn’t pay. Pay for yourself only. It’s her decision to have kids. If she can’t afford stuff, sorry but she’ll have to go without

BeverleyMacker · 01/08/2023 14:03

If you're staying with them,you should pay for a couple of meals out for them.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 01/08/2023 14:08

She chose to have children, her finances are tight because of her choice. It is not your responsibility to pay for anyone but yourself (and obviously a nice gift if they’re letting you stay with them free of charge), but you are not responsible for your friends lack of finances when it was her choice.

JenniferBarkley · 01/08/2023 14:09

I have DC, my best friend is childless. If anything I feel it's the other way round, and I should pay for her since single people are penalised when it comes to things like hotel rooms, taxi fares etc.

However, if you're staying with them then yes you should be treating.

Gateappreciation · 01/08/2023 14:11

You pay for your share, she pays for her and the kids.

maybe nice to treat her and the family once every so often, but you not obliged to.

mrsm43s · 01/08/2023 14:15

Two things, firstly, as others have said, if they are hosting you, then yes, it would be correct etiquette for you to pick up more of the meals out etc as reciprocation.

Secondly, you always have to plan activities to the budget of the one with the least money available. It's quite likely that because of kids, your friends have less available funds due to more financial commitments plus more mouths to feed. So if they suggest a picnic at the beach, and you want to eat out in a restaurant instead, the way to facilitate that might be for you to pay for them, if you are willing and able. What's not OK it to try to press them into more expensive activities that they obviously can't afford, when they are suggesting cheaper alternatives. Your choice in these circumstances is to pay for them or to accept picnic on the beach rather than a restaurant meal.

But generally, no, you don't have an obligation to pay for someone just because they have children, or indeed because they have less money than you for any reason at all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 14:27

It's hardly a given that the people with kids are skint whilst the childfree person is rolling in spare funds.

Treating hosts to one meal during a stay is typical.

mindutopia · 01/08/2023 14:35

It’s not normal to pay for anyone else simply because they have kids and you don’t, unless it’s a treat or a thank you.

Normal day to day meeting up, where no one is hosting you, you all pay for yourselves. For days out while you are staying with someone, if you plan the day out and want them to come do it with you, yes, it’s nice to offer or pay for lunch or offer to order in dinner or get food and cook for them a couple times during your stay.

Family and friends always visit us as we have the bigger house and with 2 dc and a dog, it doesn’t work for us to visit them. But no one ever offers to pay for a meal out or a takeaway or a food shop. It really annoys me. I feel like I run a bloody hotel. Even when we do visit them and stay in a holiday let, they come to ours and expect to be fed or we say, let’s have a BBQ on the beach, but no one offers to buy anything to bring. I have to do a lot of ‘right, we’ve got sausages for us and the kids. What are you all having? Shall we stop at the shop on the way?!’

So offering to cover something - coffees, ice creams, lunch, re-stock the drinks - most days is a nice gesture if someone is hosting you and otherwise feeding/watering you, but it doesn’t have to be literally everything. And it’s nothing to do with having kids.