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Original poster

Who should pay? Childless friend vs friend with kids

45 replies

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 13:16

Hello.
Need some advice please.

Im travelling abroad to see my friend and her family with my partner. She has 2 kids while I am childless (currently struggling to conceieve and are starting ivf soon)

A lot of the time my friend mentions how tight they are for money (her parents are pretty well off)

If we go out together i do often pay for things (i work full time and have an average wage)
The issue im having is it normal for me to feel like i HAVE to pay for most things?

I do often feel guilty if she pays for drinks/lunch as in the back of my mind i think she has 2 kids to support and I don't.

As were visiting them whats the correct protocal for this?

Its also the same when going out with my sister or any friends with kids really. I often feel like its expected of me to pay the bigger bills (even though its not asked, i know its always very gratefully appreciated)

Is this normal?

OP posts:

FlamingoQueen · 01/08/2023 14:36

You pay for what you have and once in a while (if they’ve been paying their half) it would be lovely for you to treat them, but you don’t have to.

Pressuretoohigh · 01/08/2023 14:44

Mentioning being hard-up doesn't necessarily mean that she is expecting you to pay for everything. I have occasionally talked with my friends when I've been worried about money but that certainly doesn't mean I expect them to pay for me!

Is your friend just sharing what's going on in her life when she talks about money or hinting for help? Her financial situation isn't your responsibility. If you are staying with her then paying for a few meals out / activities is a nice way to say thank you. If you're not staying with her then it is entirely optional whether you want to treat them.

Have you spoken to her about her money issues? Might be worth being open and when planning days or meals out giving her options re: cost, so that she is able to choose something she can afford?

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 14:45

If you're staying at her place for free, well you give and take! If you're staying in a hotel, hell no but I wouldn't feel right to tell her to eff off, so I'd just avoid going out with her (only possible if staying in a hotel really).
If you've stayed at her house before and plan to stay at her place again, well cough up will you!? For being a mug and putting yourself in the same position again. Otherwise, maybe you can still book an hotel somewhere? Becasue subsidising an extra 3 people adds up and can easily add up to more than a room.

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 14:46

Your friend is taking advantage of the situation!

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:08

Wow a lot of replies thank you.
I dont think my friend expects it, its more i feel like i should be paying (i dont know why i constantly feel like this, maybe the kid situation)
And no not staying with them, ill offer to buy their kids a treat/ice cream while we're away but just pay for us and let them pay for them.

OP posts:

PinkIcedCream · 01/08/2023 15:09

I think you might be a bit BU here but you’ve not provided enough context so it’s unclear. Does your friend live in a desirable touristy hotspot?

To be clear, I don’t think this is the same as meeting a friend for lunch locally and them always expecting you to cover their bill too. That’s clearly CF territory.

However, looking at this from your friends perspective, and as someone who lives in a touristy area, hosting visitors during the holiday periods can become quite expensive, especially as you’re unlikely to be their only visitors.

Aside from the additional costs of buying in extra food and drink, you’re often expected to provide fun activities during their stay so you’re paying for all your own family to travel and visit attractions and eat lunch out etc. when normally your budget wouldn’t stretch to spending extra money in that way.

Although the odd person has treated their visit here as their own personal retreat, I’m much clearer now with setting out expectations. So it might be that your friend genuinely wants to see you but really can’t afford to subsidise your visit and has made comments about the fact that they’re not well off so that she’s not having to spend out money she can’t afford to dine out and entertain you and your partner.

Rather than worrying and feeling guilty, you need to have an open conversation with your friend and be clear that you’re not expecting the visit to put her out of pocket.

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:10

I think its more having a moan and vent tbh rather than expecting me to pay. She will probs be modified at how i feel. Great suggestion regarding going out on a low cost option so its affordable for all. Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:17

@PinkIcedCream thank you. I totally get what you mean. Hosting people visitng you is a lot of pressure and i 100% dont want her to feel pressured into spending more than what she usually would. Ill definitely plan some cheap days out where its affortable for us all.

OP posts:

Hopeful16 · 01/08/2023 15:25

Could you plan a free day out to a beach/ park and treat them to a picnic lunch with lots of treat foods (should be reasonably priced if bought at a supermarket/ bakery/deli) as a thank you for being your guides??? I think thoughtful gifts/ organisation like that are appropriated.

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:31

Thanks all for your comments. And when i said i pay for majority of things its not because its expected. Its because i offer (i feel like i have to)
And thats when its just me and her. Not with her DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:32

@Hopeful16 thats a lovely idea thank you x

OP posts:

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 15:40

She's not saying it per se but "A lot of the time my friend mentions how tight they are for money" which is kind of setting it for you to step up. Otherwise she'd just pick cheaper options or say go and have fun with your DH and we'll meet up later.
When money's tight I don't place myself in situations I can't afford. It's very different from going anyway and then whining you can't afford to be there.

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 16:09

@UnicornStarfish thanks for the reply. Visiting in poland. Ive been a couple of times but looking forward to going again. Will suggest cheap days out! X

OP posts:

Andylion · 01/08/2023 17:53

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 15:31

OP, if you keep paying, it will be expected, not necessarily because your friend feels entitled, but based on her experience, you do pay.

Original poster

Prettytulip5 · 01/08/2023 18:06

@Andylion agree!!
I need to just stop worrying about it and do whats normal! X

OP posts:

gogomoto · 01/08/2023 18:13

If staying with people it's polite to treat to a meal or two, or offer to buy shopping.

Hopeful16 · 01/08/2023 18:55

@Prettytulip5 if you are just about to begin an IVF journey, and (please be successful) a family of your own, you most definitely can NOT afford to be doing this.
Think of yourself for a while. If you're happy talking to family and friends about your treatment do this as a way of saying that you too are realising that you must tighten your belt for the future.
Also, maybe set out your stall at the start of your break with your friends and say that you would like to do two, three or however many you think full on days out and where would she recommend? Would she like to join you? Specify who will be paying there and then. If suitable and you'd like to say that you'd like to treat them this time. BUT make the 'this time' very clear. Could she come out one evening just with you? Girls night.
Spending time with people doesn't mean spending loads. Some of the best times are spent with friends at home with a couple of beers and some snacks or a takeaway.

Hopeful16 · 01/08/2023 18:56

@gogomoto OP has already said that she's NOT staying with the friends.

MistyFrequencies · 01/08/2023 18:58

My sisters childfree. I have 2 kids. When she visits i pay for dinners etc; its only one more person for me to pay for, 3 for her. We earn similar.

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 21:08

MistyFrequencies · 01/08/2023 18:58

My sisters childfree. I have 2 kids. When she visits i pay for dinners etc; its only one more person for me to pay for, 3 for her. We earn similar.

That's totally different! A sibling is not on par with a friend. The whole dynamic is different. I can tell my sibling to fuck off, drive us to a restaurant, say "I hope you choke on that", pay for dinner and not feel any resentment (and forget all about it the next day).

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