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Original poster

The Ex baby mum

37 replies

moolash · 31/07/2023 14:18

My partner has two children too two different women a girl aged 10 and a boy nearly 4

my partner sees his daughter every other wind along with his son at the same time.

I also have two children both boys aged 14 and 6.

the ex baby mum daughters mum insists on calling and FaceTime any day or time on the wknd that my partner has his daughter in his care.

we can be at my house or his house I really don’t like this invasion of privacy.

happy for baby mum to talk to her daughter but I really don’t like the FaceTime especially when I’m in my own home in my safe haven what can I do about this it really puts me on edge and makes me feel very uncomfortable.

any ideas I don’t know why she insists on calling Tahoe also quiz her daughter asking her where she been what we have been doing etc can this not wait until she see her on the Sunday evening I can’t even think about moving in together until boundaries are respected any thoughts advice ?

OP posts:
honeyrain · 31/07/2023 14:23

Can he not just go into a different room and close the door to FaceTime?

Unfortunately if you are in a relationship with someone who has children with other ex partners you have to expect an amount of communication/calls/texts/FaceTime from the mum(s). It's only natural for mothers to ask/see what their kids are up to or FaceTime if they miss them especially if they're in Dads new gfs house.

You could just talk to your DP and request that the FaceTimes are more limited to his alone time/in his house?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/07/2023 14:24

I think it’s reasonable for the girl and her mum to FaceTime.

maybe a rule that she only does it in her bedroom so that you don’t feel watched in your own home. It’s not like anything’s happening that you’d want to hide I’m sure, but I get you might not want to have her listening in on your lives.

BodenCardiganNot · 31/07/2023 14:28

I think asking the child to go into her bedroom is probably the best solution. How often is her mother contacting her?

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YarisKaris · 31/07/2023 14:31

Baby mum? Do you mean the mum of his ten year old?

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 15:58

It’s like two hours after I’ve picked her up and then numerous times through the day / wknd and if she can’t contact the daughter she calls my partner her EX

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 31/07/2023 16:00

Well, the multiple calls is more concerning than the FaceTime in itself. I don't think it's unreasonable for a 10 year old to speak with her mum on FaceTime when she's at her dad. Does she have her own phone? Can you just agree that SD talks to her mum at x time, from her room, and leave it at that?

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:01

My partner currently is homeless so he and his two children are coming to mine she doesn’t currently have her own room as my house is only 3 beds we have 3 boys and one girl

I just feel it’s an invasion happy for them to speak on phone but don’t want her on video in my home or randomly turning up at my house literally turning up on my drive because her half sister misses her ? I think that’s a step to far without being invited around

OP posts:
Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:04

I think that’s a good idea rather than multiple times a day I don’t ring and video call my children when there at there dads gf house I just let them crack on

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/07/2023 16:05

moolash · 31/07/2023 16:01

My partner currently is homeless so he and his two children are coming to mine she doesn’t currently have her own room as my house is only 3 beds we have 3 boys and one girl

I just feel it’s an invasion happy for them to speak on phone but don’t want her on video in my home or randomly turning up at my house literally turning up on my drive because her half sister misses her ? I think that’s a step to far without being invited around

Surely there must be a room she can go to to speak with her mum without it intruding massively on you? Even if she doesn’t have her own room.

the turning up thing is a bit much. You’ll probably need to ask her dad to speak to her mum about that.

GingerIsBest · 31/07/2023 16:18

You have a much bigger problem if your dp is homeless and is therefore basically living with you, with his children. I'm guessing he isn't paying towards the household bills? And you and your children are having to accommodate?

I think your issues with privacy in your home are a bit overblown but I suspect that's because this child's mum has no boundaries - turning up is totally unacceptable as is multiple calls - and your DP is stealth moving in and you are probably feeling like you don't have enough control.

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:28

Yes Gingerisbest I think you have hit the nail on the head! Previous landlord selling up and the rental market is not buoyant in our area at all he can’t move back to his parents either so I said he can stay with me temporarily won’t see him out on street and when he has his children he can spend time here but the dynamics are
not working I’ve my own children to also consider in this hopefully it will only be Dona short while partner isn’t the problem percei he’s working all day 14 hr shifts but every other wknd it’s too much for me I work full time then I go from two children to four it’s very busy especially as his youngest is only 3 and really struggles with speech I’m nearly 48 so I past all that stage

OP posts:
Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:31

Yes I’ve asked her to use the dining room but she ignores my request and roams all over the house

I was at a friends bbq last wknd he mum couldn’t reach her daughter so call my partner on video and had a full conversation about what we were doing etc in my friends garden it was very awkward for me I do need to ask him to have a word it’s becoming a joke and not a funny one

OP posts:
Lkahsvtv · 31/07/2023 16:33

I used to hate this for reasons it’s hard to put my finger on as it’s not like I had anything to hide but it felt like an invasion of my privacy

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:34

Yes I do mean the daughter mum thanks she’s 10 yo

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 31/07/2023 16:34

It's your home and he is a temporary guest. You are doing him a massive favour. If they can't respect your home and your boundaries I'd be asking him to leave, or at least have his children elsewhere. His housing issues are not your problem.

janeholden · 31/07/2023 16:35

I totally get this, used to do my head in hearing the ex's shrill voice echoing around my house. Had to enforce the FaceTime only in DSS' room. Luckily, DH ended up blocking the ex on WhatsApp so it was only voice calls from there on... thank god!

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2023 16:38

Does he work? Can he afford to take them out for the day?

mrsneate · 31/07/2023 16:41

I think your problem is bigger than FaceTime calls.

If you're finding it too much with all the children there. How does the future look for you? Because eventually people move in together. So that's what it will be.

And in my experience partners who move in temporarily. Don't ever move back out again. I hope he's contributing to your household costs whilst he's there

GingerIsBest · 31/07/2023 16:43

wait, so on his contact time, they are at YOUR house with YOU and he is at work? And your house is too small AND he isn't contributing?

OP, you are being taken for a mug, I'm sorry

As for the calls, the call in the garden is a sign of very poor boundaries and manners from your P and his ex. So, for example, DD is 8. She talks to her friends on FaceTime, but she has learnt that it's very rude to inflict those calls on the rest of us and she must go into a different room to take them. And if her friend calls her while we're somewhere else, she either can't take the call or must go somewhere off private, depending on what we are doing and where we are.

LadyBird1973 · 31/07/2023 16:44

She might be worried - her 10 year old is staying in a stranger's house with a father who hasn't met the basic need of being able to home her!
You've let him move in (rookie error) and so your house is effectively his children's home until you get him back out.
I'll be honest, if I wanted to face time my 10 year old child I would do and I wouldn't care what dad's new girlfriend thought about it, whether it was in her house or not! It isn't mum's fault that her child has no private space to talk to her in.
If I couldn't phone my child whenever I wanted, she wouldn't be spending weekends away.
I do think turning up on your doorstep is a bit much but none of you seem to have appropriate boundaries - you've just let some bloke and his kids move in to your children's house, without proper consideration, so no one looks great in this situation.

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 16:53

Your absolutely right

OP posts:
Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 17:01

we have been in a relationships for 3.5 yrs we waited 1 whole year before we introduced children and told respective ex partners of our relationship.

i own my own home he rented, he was asked to leave as his landlord needed to sell so just pitfalls of renting. There’s nothing suitable to rent in our area atm.

im essentially trying to help him out otherwise it’s hotels every other wknd for him and his children

my children and his children know this is simply a temp measure but it’s just difficult when my house is not bigger. Like I’ve said I’ve no issue with anyone speaking to there children I just object to random FaceTime when it’s not always convenient so agreed boundaries need setting i on the other hand had no control with her just turning up which was slightly awkward.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 31/07/2023 17:09

I know you're trying to do a nice thing but you are going to find it really hard to get him back out of your house.
If his ex just turns up, you don't have to let her in and you can tell her it's inappropriate, but honestly I don't think you can do much about the FaceTime apart from make sure he doesn't get too comfortable in your house.

Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 18:03

No on his contact time he is off work with them as it’s every other wknd but all three are at my house.

he doesn’t contribute to bills but he does pay for food shopping since he has been with me which is couple of weeks now he has been looking for another place and knows this is just temp measure.

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Original poster
moolash · 31/07/2023 18:04

Yes I agree thank you for your feedback

OP posts: