DD18 really bad. Help/advice please.

[WhatDoIDo1999]

Really sorry to repost this. Did post in mental health too.

DD18 has had mental health problems for a while. Depression, anxiety etc. She sleeps all day, doesn’t eat (has had 200 calories in the last 36 hours) she’s lost all interest in life. She literally just lies in bed all day.

Background: Her dad and I broke up 2.5 years ago- she always had a decent relationship with her dad after the split until she found out he had raped me. She cut him off straight away and is very negative towards him but obviously is struggling with not having her dad. Her two younger brothers see him still(they don’t know anything) and I think she feels jealous of them although she is great with the boys and doesn’t display it.

She’s so enthusiastic about meteorology, wants to study it at uni. She did her a levels and has had poor attendance We tried intervention for it with the school to little success. I think she has given up and feels she’s wasted her time so thinks she has failed and won’t get into uni.

As she’s 18 now I’m not really sure where to go for help. She’s told me she thinks she’s fat (she’s 5’11 and weighs 9 stone 7) she very tall and has lost a considerable amount of weight. Her face is gaunt.

It’s heartbreaking to see and I feel so much guilt over the reasons why she’s so down. I was at the time barely managing to keep myself afloat and didn’t see how much she was suffering.
Thank you for reading this far.

Can you call the crisis team? That’s very little to eat in 36 hours.

Is presenting at A&E and option if not?

I have no proper advice, but I'm just so sorry to read this. It sounds heartbreaking, I hope your daughter, and you, overcome this together❤️

Have you suggested therapy to her? I would
encourage her to get an urgent doctors appointment or if you can afford to go private then even better. This sounds so hard for you both.

I agree, call 111 and ask for a crisis team to come out and see her. She needs help urgently.

The fact of my late OH raping me is something I have chosen to keep from my AC. I really can understand your DD having a hard time processing this.

@Mischance it's seems the dd found out. Not that she was told. And of course she's having a hard time processing it.

Your post sounds like you're blaming the op. Perhaps word it better.

Would your DD be willing to access online support as a start? Young Minds or Kooth?
Young Minds also run a parents support line for advice might be worth calling them.
i called Crisis Line for my DD who stayed in her room for 3 months, eating around 300 to 500 calories ( food I left outside her bedroom door). Crisis Line did nothing said it was her choice

Thank you for the responses. I wasn’t sure if the crisis team would see her? I’m not even sure if she would speak to them.

I had no choice but to tell her. She knew I was having therapy, she knew there was something wrong as he had done it whilst in the home and she was there in the immediate aftermath. She also was pissed off that I hadn’t told her straight away and had allowed her to be around him for weeks after. I was trying to still facilitate a relationship with him and kids. I wish I’d done things a lot differently-trust me.

Her words were it made her feel sick being around him knowing what he did. If she’d have found out as an adult (was 16/17 at the time) she’d have been angry. I didn’t voluntarily tell her. It was after weeks of her asking what had happened. I couldn’t NOT tell her.

What’s done is done. Call 111 and try and get your DD seen.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your dd. I am unsure if you can do a lot as your daughter is 18, but could you persuade her to see a GP or talk to a helpline? GPs can prescribe antidepressants and refer to therapy for adults.

That’s what I’m worried about. Them not seeing her. I’ll try those support sites. Thank you.

Agree with others, crisis team, is she on any meds or having any therapy at the moment if this has been going on a while?

Crisis will help and can arrange appointments you just need to get her there. Do you consider her at risk of harm OP from herself?

Im sorry you are going through this. Can you take her to GP, push for a refferal. Antidepressants may also help. Its far too little food to eat to stay healthy and maybe an eating disorder. clearly youve all been through a traumatic time ( especially you) sounds like she needs therapy and proffesional help and you need support to support her.
I think 3 meals a day has to be a non negioable focus if she doesnt eat enough it impacts both physical and mental health.
I would also try lots of positive affirmation , praise and celebrate all her great points -big and small.
Looks after her MH first everything else can follow, if alevels arent good enough for uni she can do an access course or foundation year later on.

So you’re not even going to try? You’re giving up on getting a crisis team for your DD without even picking up the phone once?

Her DD is already harming herself. Refusing to eat is self harm.

Poor her, and poor you. Tough to process.

I can’t imagine that schlepping her down to A and E or waiting for counselling that may not come for the longest time is the best option.

Can you take time to read to or with her. It can be very cathartic and help to put things into perspective by taking oneself out of one’s own thoughts.

Other than that can you get her up and doing something because you need her to, it might motivate her if she knows you need help,

or doing charity work, helping others can help to heal traumas.

I am going to try the crisis team But I’m pretty sure they won’t see her unless she goes voluntarily. Just spoke to a friend that has had dealings with them and they said the same thing.
Going to try them and the young minds one. Thing is, I can get her to agree to see someone. She knows she needs help, just when the time actually comes she bottles out and doesn’t get out of bed. Then she sinks further.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear but the crisis team comes out to you. You don’t go to them. Make sure they know she cannot get out of bed, so going to A&E is a nonstarter. I had to call them for my DH once.

This says more about crisis teams. Calling NHS 111 can create a referral for them to come and see your DD.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/crisis-teams-crhts/

Ok that’s helpful. Thank you.

The crisis team response is really dependant on the specific situation. If she won't/can't go then they will come to her.

It doesn't sound like she has seen anyone for this at all yet for as long as it's gone on, is that right? It seems like she's spiralling quite rapidly.

I'd give these guys a call - they'll be able to advise from an reading perspective. It's so difficult when your children are adults but they still need that parental support/advocacy

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

We managed to get her to gp one time. Before she turned 18. They discussed medication. DD said she’d think about it. And then refused to go back when I made another app for her.
When she was at college her teacher tried to get her help through them. But the wait was very long and when she agreed to see someone -not sure who it was now but someone in college- it never materialised. Then came exams. And DD deemed it not worth it now.
She is spiralling yes. I manage to get her for a day or so to eat, participate in life but then she sinks further. It’s exhausting. Trying not to push her too much as I need her to trust me and open up -which she still does thankfully.

Apologies for scatty writing. I’m trying to write as I think.