Anyone else sick of kids excelling at sport?

[LaMaG]

My DS15 is quite talented at a particular sport and much as I support him I am sick to death at the extent it has taken over our lives. He plays locally but also for a county team so almost every weekend is spent travelling hours away, they never provide team buses. Dh goes to all the matches and no one ever car pools. DS was young when this kicked off and I had babies at home so DH got very involved and I stepped back. But I bring him to training twice a week for this and then he still has club level training and another sport too. He does gym work every day he doesn't have training so I'm constantly working my life around it, I can't even do an evening class. It affects meal times too. I feel guilty for complaining as some people are so passionate about this, I have a colleague who is quite in awe of it and many others tell us how proud we must be. DH says I just don't get it as I don't follow sport but I am proud I just resent how it becomes our whole lives. Its also dealing with the constant drama of losing and anger if he is left on the bench etc. Dh is worse than DS! There is a constant risk he will get dropped and every thing is analysed and obsessed about. Everyone was shouting this morning cos a training top went missing, it's always drama drama drama. Any other frustrated sports mums out there who understand?

@Sportykids I hear you on the bonding - DS2 can drive and has bought a car so now I no longer drive him anywhere really - miss it no end. The chats we would have (usually on the way back) were so valuable. Not always easy to talk to a 15yo lad but in the car after the game/meet he would really unfold.

It's not just about getting kids off screens though. Sports gives kids so much - friendships, discipline, resilience, determination, an incredible work ethic, fitness etc etc. It's not really replicated by hiding phones and limiting screen time. So many teens nowadays are suffering from anxiety and various mental health issues. Sport (at least most sport) helps them keep a healthy mind as well as body. By the time my teen gets home from spending the day outside training and working on the yard in all weathers, she's too exhausted to overthink anything and I don't see any anxiety or similar issues among her group of friends. Plus, I'm very proud of her work ethic and resilience.

On another level DS is disappointed his siblings have no interest, its often entire families on the sideline and we are the exception.

What interest does he show in them and their interests? Does he ever go to support them at their activities or is it always all about him?

Support can be given even when not at the sport event. The siblings can say good luck and ask how it all went. It’s always just me in person and I find it very stressful to watch. I’m clapping and cheering but inside I feel that I can’t watch.

My point was does superstar DS support his siblings? His activities are dominating family life, opportunities and quite often finances whilst limiting their chances of having "Dad at the sideline/concert" or family events at weekends. For him to then complain they are not supportive enough of his golden child status is not on.

Its very difficult to stop a child becoming entitled and arrogant in this situation - to some extent being demanding is part of the personality type for success but it needs to be balanced at least when at home. Its not reasonable for him to dominate family life and expect the siblings to be happy and grateful about it.

I hear you! It's a massive commitment and sacrifice of family/personal time and money. We've never pushed DCs to continue with any activities as they have to want it for themselves (and I'm not a fan of banging my head against brick walls), but DS1 is now doing his sport professionally - has represented his country etc which was his dream since he was very young. He's worked incredibly hard too. So I feel like it was worth it and that he appreciates all our input driving around etc. Wouldn't really have been possible otherwise.

But I would really struggle without DH and it means we are tag-teaming it a lot of the time so it's rare we do anything together. Like Op, often one of us turns up to DS1's thing because the other two need sorting out. We do all go for big occasions when we can and he also comes to watch the others doing their thing when he can, I think they all understand it's important to support each other when schedules allow.

It's hard supporting a potentially elite athlete and other DCs simultaneously, but especially when they are having a tough time and it's not working out how they want. It can be emotionally very very draining, but trying to help them build resilience is part of being a parent sport or not really. As to meal times it's like a bloody revolving door so I've given up trying to impose order on that - I've got a great selection of five minute meals up my sleeve.

My only wish at the minute is DS1 would actually learn to drive - it would make everything so much easier! That's a whole other story though 😂

DC (only child) is very into a sport, trains 12 hours a week, competes often. She loves it. She's good, but nothing like good enough to compete internationally. The strength & fitness means shes reasonably good and.confident in other sports - good enough to be in school teams, not good enoigh to be in Olympic team!

I see it as a hobby she loves, and am happy to do lifts, pay, etc - its "worth it" on the basis of her enjoyment, resilience, work ethic, fitness, friendships, sportsmanship, etc. Its absolutely not an investment in a future career.
There are several dc at her club who train 6 days for 4 hours at a time, at 7 years old onwards. Club has no history of training top-flight. They cannot all become international athletes. That does seem excessive!

Does anyone fancy a more long term “support” thread on the extra curricular group?

For those of us who don’t love every precious minute of standing outside in the dark for 2 hours several times a week watching our precious moppets when it is 4 degrees out there but do it anyway.

Especially the siblings!
It's not just sports. Drama, music... anything that requires lots of parental support with lots of £££ and driving around.
Fine if you have one DC but throwing in other things....

It's hard. We all want to give DC the best. But with limited resources a lot of the time that means having to choose. I know people with 3 sporty DC, all with different sports and most weekends are spend with parents and family tag teaming. They're barely together as a family. If they didn't have the extended family support as well it would be impossible!

Dance mum here to a dd aged 15. She dances 6 days a week, 4 of those I make her walk from school and then just need to collect her (luckily only a 6 mile drive away)
It's the comps all over the country followed by the National finals when they get through!! We were in Blackpool in January freezing at a finals this year!
She loves it but it totally takes over our lives, I am a single parent and also have ds at home who is 18 so luckily can fend for himself (and secretly loves us disappearing for weekends!!)

I can actually split it down to three distinct decisions that we made.

1. Dd age 7 - we decided to put her into the equivalent of “football tots” for her sport. 20 minutes in the coach came along and said she was too good for the group but there was a club that met after this that she could look to join. “Please mummy please” she said. “Of course darling” says Clever Mummy thinking that a 10am started sounded much nicer than a 9am start.
2. Dd age 8 - “why don’t you enter her into a competition. There is one here on Thursday night - very casual, lots of fun”. We did. She came last. But loved it.
3. Dd age 11 and had won every competition she had entered for months. “There is a national level competition in X place (less than an hour from us) - you should enter her - it is a great day out.” We did. It was. Amazing atmosphere. Lovely people. And then they hung a medal round her neck.

And with that our life changed forever….

That's amazing 🤩 but it's very sports-specific. Not many sports where you can reach national level without very intense and time-consuming training and you're lucky that the championships were held near where you live. That won't be the case for most people. I do know very high level kid athletes in sports like fencing (International-level with a real shot at Olympics) and Irish dancing (competed at Worlds) and I think at least for fencing the training schedule is not very intense and the Irish dancing kid kind of just fell i to it by virtue of being super talented. On the other hand, my daughter's classmate is the top national skiier in his age category and he's barely ever at school as he's always abroad training. It totally depends on the sport.

DD is British team member in her sport, but we follow a rather different path to the ones being described here. I am her coach (also team GB member - it is a very niche sport!) and I love being able to share my sport with my child. We train together, and are travelling overseas later in the summer not to compete but to support other team members who are competing, and we will be training whilst out there too. I love our little adventures, and am hugely proud of how she is growing to be a formidable competitor in the sport. However, one of the reasons we have very few top level juniors in our sport is precisely because of the huge commitment required from parents to start with. Without giving the game away, because it would be very outing, it is a sport that juniors may not do without adult supervision until a certain age, meaning only those children who have a parent already in the sport are really able to get a foot in the door. I would love to see more children in it, and intend (once my own children are grown up) to work with the national governing body to try and encourage more children into the sport. I take my hat off to all the parents here who take their kids out to train and compete. I never had as much opportunity as a child, and I am happy to give that time and effort to our children. I really think that even if they stop for a levels or uni, giving them this time in a sport they love and do well stands kids in good stead for future challenges.

When I see sports people winning something, especially at the Olympics, i think of the effort the parents have put in. I think it's their medal as much as the actual sports person.

One of my DCs excelled at a particular sport. Over night they said they wanted to drop it - and I really was relieved as it took up so much of our family time.

DS is currently away with the British Team at the world championships of his sport (my DW has taken him) for his last season of U17. He faces the decision of whether or not to compete at the next level, which is where the Olympic hopefuls are picked. But that would involve a step-change in training and transport, and he is also musical and academic. (I know, I know, but he is.) He's already given up some other time-consuming activities for his sport (including dance, I've also spent looooong weekends at Blackpool!) but this would be all-consuming. He's currently thinking of stepping down a notch so he can continue his other hobbies, but maybe his mind will change if he gets a medal in the Worlds?

As I've said before, the trouble is you want DC who are engaged and keen on something, and then... they are! (DD was completely different and her hobby wasn't sporty at all, my username probably gives it away.)

On the subject of getting kids into sport (and music/drama) ... there is so much bandying around regarding equality. But how can this be possible when so much commitment is required? Financially and in terms of effort.
The only sport where poor kids even have a chance is probably football - the clubs are so rich that they pay for everything including shuttling people between matches. But everything else... it's not just the sport it's diet, having everything done at home, etc. Other countries have training camps for young talent. They're not places we particularly want to emulate (like China) but if this much pressure is being put on young people anyway might as well offer the opportunity to everyone not just the privileged.

At the same time the whole culture around achievement pushes out people doing sports for fun. We as a nation don't exercise enough.... even things like running have become massively competitive with everyone and their grandfathers training for marathons etc.

I've always found it a difficult question.

@MyOtherCarisAFerrari Absolutely. Kids need someone to ferry them around for long distances for pretty much every sport (apart maybe from football). It's a real bar to entry. Even a lot of non-sporty hobbies have entry barriers, hidden or obvious. I don't have any obvious solution, though.

Thing is, having school/county funded sports/music/whatever programs would work. There are a couple of youth choirs near me, for instance where they compete internationally, you just have to get kids to the practice venue. They're church funded to the best of my knowledge.

Completely agree (as someone who was always second best to golden child brother)

We were in Blackpool in January freezing at a finals this year!

Are those connected to the TDCI competitions? Our school doesn't get involved with those, though I think that might be an element of snobbery. They're not essential, or even necessarily helpful, if you want a career in that field. They seem quite performance heavy from the one example I've seen anyway, so might be useful for that.

There's something archaic sounding called 'Miss Dance' that some of the schools also do. We're not allowed to get involved with that either.

We are allowed some competitions but it's things like the All England or the larger, and overseas, ballet competitions.

I agree. DD joined the netball team practice sessions at school in year 7 (which were strongly encouraged) but because her primary didn't have a team she was obviously behind the other girls in skills practice and understanding of the game despite being able and keen to join in. So she very quickly dropped out because there were a hundred other girls immediately better than her and no effort is made to engage less skilled kids in social sports or sessions to work on improving. She says it's the same with every other sport - if you haven't been playing it since you were 5 you've got no chance at 11. I actually used my parents eve slot with the PE teacher to discuss only this issue. She just shrugged and said that's the way it is. Sports at secondary school are competitive, end of.

On a totally unrelated issue I heard an interesting radio programme the other day about China - that they don't wait for people with the money and interest to work their way up in a sport - they select their future olympic athletes by going out to schools and cherry picking people with the right physical attributes and train them up intensively. I'm obviously not saying it's the right way to go at all but in some ways it's "fairer".

On a totally unrelated issue I heard an interesting radio programme the other day about China - that they don't wait for people with the money and interest to work their way up in a sport - they select their future olympic athletes by going out to schools and cherry picking people with the right physical attributes and train them up intensively. I'm obviously not saying it's the right way to go at all but in some ways it's "fairer".

Very similar to Russia/USSR/East Germany and other totalitarian regimes, and to an extent the US Gymnastics program (until the recent scandal) was like this. It's very difficult to replicate in normal democracies though as parents wouldn't send their kids to live in an intense training camp and most of those camps are abusive. I do agree at more state-funded sports programs for kids though.

I guess the US with their huge focus on high school sports and many scholarship programs have the better approach to kids' sports.

My friends son is team GB. Currently unfunded, top 8 in the country.

his options are to stay at club level and hope he gets GB funding, which then means he can train at a high performance centre and will be able to train full time. However this means he can’t go to uni, as HPC’s train in the day time. He also has no income in the meantime, can’t get a job as he needs to train every day.

or, he accepts a scholarship to the US where he can train at the same level, and go to uni as his lectures will be arranged around his training.

if he goes to the US he accepts his GB career is over as he won’t be able to train HPC, so won’t be selected for Team GB.

what do you do?

I see what you mean now - I misunderstood. My teen gets jokes from their siblings and their sport and achievements are no big deal. I’ve had my older non elite sports kids finish school being in the top grades for the school. Everyone said well done. Same for sports it’s a well done or better next time and the kids move on to the next situation. I think that keeps it all in perspective.