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Original poster

How's your mental load?

34 replies

HowDidWeGetHome · 28/07/2023 15:42

I'm struggling. I have 2 older teens, I run a small business and I juggling the majority of housework etc. I feel as though I'm spinning a million plates. My mental to-do list has little to do with my needs and more to do with my family's plus it's never-ending.

I googled 'mental load' today and realised it's 'a thing' and millions of women feel the same. I don't know why I'm surprised because my friends and I talk about this general exhaustion a lot.

How are you doing?

OP posts:
foulksmills · 28/07/2023 15:45

If I don't do [thing], [thing] does not get done. Including but not limited to; dishes/ laundry/ changing the bin/ putting the bin out/ changing bedsheets/ cleaning floors, kitchen, bathroom...

I have DD(10) and DS(7) with additional needs.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 28/07/2023 15:46

Shit.

I started a new job two weeks ago. Pretty much chucked in.

Person who’s job I have left 10 weeks ago and everything is wildly behind.

Trying to catch up while doing the actual work and learning loads of new stuff.

On top of that I actually feel really unwell today. Proper headache/dehydration thing going on and I keep getting dizzy.

On the plus side someone told me today that I looked like I have everything under control. They’re wrong, but I appreciated it.

foulksmills · 28/07/2023 15:46

Wait, just to clarify - DS with additional needs, not both DC. I don't think that was clear in my first post.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 28/07/2023 16:02

Feeling overwhelmed with it today tbh. So many appointments/seeing so many people for DS on top of working full time and no sleep. Plus normal household stuff (cat needs vaccinating, recycling/black bag collections days have changed and I've lost track of where we are, need to pay for green waste collections, need to book leave and so on for ever...)

Mercedes519 · 28/07/2023 16:07

It’s a knife edge.

Full time senior job, disabled DH, two teens, dog, elderly parents. Trying to also have life that is mine too.

Day to day is fine. But it doesn’t take much to tip into overwhelm. Even nice things like trying to plan a holiday feel like too much sometimes on top of the mundane stuff.

It’s a really useful thing to explain to people if they haven’t heard of it. I try to educate people all the time as when your busy people say “outsource it”. But then I have to organise and manage it. So MORE mental load even if the physical task isn’t mine any more.

WannabeMathematician · 28/07/2023 16:18

Pretty ok tbh. But I only have one child, we have a cleaner and my DH does all the cooking and food buying. I do everything else, which is a lot but not nearly as much as some people on here!

I'm also ruthless. The ammount of stuff I just say no to or just gets binned or recyled immediatly is supprising. I don't have hobbies that need me to organise anything other than for myself. I make small changes to my life to make things easier for example there is a ban on open shelves in my house so I don't have to see the mess. If something doesn't have a place to live it doesn't get bought. I installed an automatic watering system so I never spend time watering the garden. If I ask for three quotes but get back one I go with that one and don't fret about it.

WannabeMathematician · 28/07/2023 16:21

I should add, when I say I don't do as much it's because I don't need to. My son, husband and myself are all healthy, we don't have pets and I don't have elderly parents. There is just less for me to do than most people.

ThreeRingCircus · 28/07/2023 16:29

Mine is fine but I don't cope well with stress so purposefully cut out a lot that I deem unecessary. No pets, DDs can do two activity clubs outside of school hours but no more than that, DH is extremely hands on, I work part time etc etc.

However, sometimes things come out of nowhere or you can't control them and it can easily tip the balance. A couple of years ago DH had a health scare and FIL died completely unexpectedly, leaving me picking up a lot of the arrangements for FIL on behalf of DH and parenting DDs pretty much alone. It was absolutely dreadful and something you can't really plan for.

Original poster
HowDidWeGetHome · 28/07/2023 16:48

@Mercedes519
'I try to educate people all the time as when your busy people say “outsource it”. But then I have to organise and manage it. So MORE mental load even if the physical task isn’t mine any more.'

This resonates so much.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 19:54

I would find a YouTube video explaining it and show it to your whole family over the dinner table. Then ask them what they can take on board or what they can all do to help with this so that you don't get burn out and can be nice to them. Not just doing chores but working out what needs to be done and when and committing to finding a method of reminding oneself to do it is all part of it. If they are decent people they might make some great suggestions.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 19:55

Eg if someone suggests cleaner, eg dp if you have one, say Great where will you find one when will you meet them and train them up, what will you tell them to do on their first day, will you be the phone number they contact to be let into the house etc

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 28/07/2023 19:57

Struggling. I’m a sahm but my kids have what feels like a million minor health needs, some of them new, add more I’m trying to cut out UPF and keep them occupied on a budget during the holidays while keeping up with school stuff and figuring out when to fit in cleaning and also loose weight.

KomodoDodo · 28/07/2023 19:59

Overwhelming. Single parent to one child, acrimonious co parent role with the other, running a business, plowing through a horrible solicitors battle with someone and trying to keep my relationship going (hes under as much stress as I am) without both going under. Both parents getting older and with health worries... If I’m honest its a battle to plaster a smile on my face and get out of bed/the door most days. Im hoping it makes me stronger, rather than killing me.

Toddler101 · 28/07/2023 20:00

My 'mental load bucket' is brimming but not overflowing (it has spilled a bit earlier this week though 😔 ) but my 'fck it bucket' is full of chocolate and gin so that helped.

I love these comic strips about mental load:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

You should’ve asked

Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” ; now available as a book with other stories : Orders available here or here or here ^_^ Thanks Una from unadtranslation.…

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked

TheDuchessOfMN · 28/07/2023 20:01

Okay at the moment because I work term time only, so am off for the summer. Life is easier.

It’s certainly not easy to deal with work, kids, teens, household chores & life admin, peri menopause and elderly parents (I mean literally the hospital ringing you to discuss their care needs) all at the same time.

Mother nature sure screwed us over there!

Toddler101 · 28/07/2023 20:01

To clarify - my mental load bucket is invisible but my fck it bucket' is an actual tangible bucket 😂

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 20:03

Not too bad tbh.

DH takes the kids to the majority of their extra curricular things.

He keeps on top of buying DS11 new clothes when he groes out of them. I sort DD16 when she asks for stuff.

He works FT. Me PT. I do majority of housework and all the cooking but I work less so that suits me. DH will do the washing if he needs something in it and I've not done a load that day. He will peg out wash if I throw it in cos he WFH and I don't.

All evens out OK in this house on the whole.

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2023 20:05

I’m waiting for the posters who usually rock up to say ‘What mental load? It’s not a mental load! Pfft, you just need to get on with it - book that appointment, do that thing, stop making a big deal out of ordinary life.’

Anyway, as you ask, my ML is heavy! Lots to do - book that appointment, do that thing - and not lots of time to do it in. And add a bit of general resentment that my OH doesn’t share it.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 20:12

I work part time I have 3 daughters my youngest has cerebral palsy and I'm currently sat having a drink on my own at the dining table which is what I do every Friday night as despite having a husband i do everything on my own, housework, childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. he decides that his Friday nights at the pub with his brother are vital because he runs a business and works 6 days a week. I get it, but im lonely and have very little time for me.

InSpainTheRain · 28/07/2023 20:41

It's fine. I have a rule that if I can do a task in 5 mins I do it there and then. Everything is in an electronic calendar, everything paid by direct debit. All shopping done on line and delivered so very quick. I keep a list of longer tasks and that, plus my docs, are accessible from any devices. I have a cleaner, she works from a list, if she can't come the company send a replacement. I do admin on my commute. Never watch TV or netflix apart from the news.

Taytocrisps · 28/07/2023 20:53

It's probably lighter than others (I've just one DC who's a young adult) but I always seem to have a list of things going around my head. I'm separated so everything around the house and garden falls to me. DD will do chores if I ask her to but she works herself, so I have to try to remember to nab her on her days off.

There's stuff I need to do around the house - normal housework plus some maintenance issues I need to get seen to.

There's stuff I need to do around the garden - the lawn seems to shoot up if I turn my back on it for 5 minutes. All the rain isn't helping.

I've applied for a college grant for DD so I need to send it off some more paperwork to prove that I'm separated (was supposed to do it today but work was manic and I forgot).

I need to chase my solicitor about legal stuff to do with the separation.

That's before I start on my work list - we're short-staffed so I'm carrying a heavy workload atm.

Saturday night is my treat night - I've a glass of wine chilling in the fridge and I'm going to have an early dinner and put my feet up and veg in front of the TV.

RosieBurdock · 28/07/2023 20:58

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2023 20:05

I’m waiting for the posters who usually rock up to say ‘What mental load? It’s not a mental load! Pfft, you just need to get on with it - book that appointment, do that thing, stop making a big deal out of ordinary life.’

Anyway, as you ask, my ML is heavy! Lots to do - book that appointment, do that thing - and not lots of time to do it in. And add a bit of general resentment that my OH doesn’t share it.

There was a whole thread recently where the OP was so confused about what a mental load was and hated people using the expression. She thought people should say "housework" instead. People explained it again and again but the poor lamb just didn't have the comprehension skills.

unclestripe · 28/07/2023 20:59

It's a struggle daily. I have a 4 month old and a 4yo and am currently a sahm so I feel like it shouldn't be this hard, I have so much time but it feels like so little. DH works 8-8 7 days a week atm so literally everything is on me, everyone's life admin, the care of dc, shopping, housework, appointments, nursery things, cooking, the list goes on. I'm also a carer for my elderly nan 2 days a week and take her to run her errands or do things around the house for her. It's a lot and some days I feel like I'm drowning.

Gowlett · 28/07/2023 21:05

I was just saying to my mum that I said to a (male) work colleague that I’m not working this weekend, for once. He said, oh you can put your feet up then. Me & Mum had a good laugh. But the reality is that (a lot) of men do actually sit down & relax, without even thinking about the gazillion other things that need to be done. Those things just happen. And they’re often quite put out, if asked to do any of it…

ManchesterLu · 28/07/2023 21:07

It's ridiculous. If I don't do things, they don't get done. DP can do literally 0 in the house for days, without realising things need to be done.

If I ask him to do something, he will do it immediately, he's just genuinely blind to mess.

It drives me mad but I don't think he can actually help it.