Overwhelming. We’re actually going to sit down and start Fair Play tonight and I’m nervous, which is stupid! I know in theory DP wants an equitable division and he does his share of eg nursery pickups, cooking (but in a “I might make curry on Monday while WFH, will that help?” Help whom? Why are you asking me if it will help? Are you also writing the week’s meal plan or are you expecting me to remember random Monday curry and write it down? Will you even remember to do it?), certain chores, but has no follow-through – he’ll hoover but leave the hoover on the top landing with the cord on the floor, for days; do a top-up shop in his lunch break WFH but then leave it all piled on the counter because he’s soooo busy, so there’s nowhere for me to prep my lunch or the baby’s. If pressed he would say he’s happy to put everything away later – he doesn’t get that some stuff has a deadline or a consequence, eg “I’m happy to spend the weekend doing loads of washing and chores, don’t feel like it tonight” OK but there are no clean knickers now, it can’t wait; if you do X number of chores at the weekend who is watching the baby and the preschooler, is it me?
We’ve stumbled into a pattern where he treats me as household manager and I resent it: “Right, I’ve put a wash on and loaded the dishwasher, what’s next on my list?” Which makes me want to roar WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME. He even pondered out loud the other day “I think we need some kind of list of what I need to do…” Write one, then!
DD starts school in September, I’m currently on maternity leave. My to-do list just for her starting is a page long. I suspect if asked he’d remember “we’re supposed to do that craft thing with her for her first day”. He asked me recently, “what days should I take off for her transition week?” How should I know? Why don’t we discuss how that week will go? Why am I in charge?
I’ve just written down all the invisible work I’ve done this week on top of the care of a small baby 6.30-6.30 and it’s two pages long; a two-page immediate/short-term to-do list that doesn’t even include the daily grind cook, shop, clean, wash stuff. Some of this is two small children, some is a fixer upper house, some is he has ADHD and so is a messy person and I’m a project manager who wants to live minimally.
I actually landed on this thread by googling mental load Mumsnet for tips on how to talk to him. He knows we’re doing it and is willing but I want to go in calmly, not “have you not noticed who’s been making dinner every night this week and why are we both assuming I’m the admin person for primary school and also here are my LISTS, you TOSSER”.