Think I’ve ruined DS’s confidence

[Reesewithafork]

DS was born just before lockdown he’s three - and when the world opened up again I was so cautious. Always telling him to be careful, come away from that don’t touch that etc

hesnow a really cautious kid :( he never goes straight in and gets stuck into a new thing he’s always really wary or says he can’t do something when he hasn’t tried. I think obviously without meaning to but the way I was has really taken away any confidence he might have had and I feel awful about it

any suggestions on how I can bring him out of himself and try to undo what I’ve already done? I only made the connection recently and have tried to lead by example but I just feel terrible

Don't be hard on yourself, it may be his natural character. He's only 3 and he's wise to be cautious - some children watch and soak it up before they dive in.

Just carry on modelling confident/careful behaviour and give him a boost when he does small things - like pay for his snack in a shop etc.

When my dd was little I was the opposite and allowed her to fall and hurt herself as long as it was only a small bruise. I've always thought that that is why she is very careful to this day

You are aware know all you can do is not let your anxiety further affect your son, you can't live in the past

If you haven't already, I would get him into swim lessons, gymnastics, etc, something physical that can help with his confidence.

Take him to forest school, it will really build his confidence

Hey our 3 year old son was also born during covid trust me it's not us as parents. I think it's because we kept away from shops,social things etc and as babies they didn't get used to it like they normally would. He is also very quiet almost shy but his twin sisters who are almost 2 there as lively as anything. Mind saying that hubby is real quiet and shy anyhow actually a few are in my family perfectly happy in there own company. We did try to bring our 3 year old out a bit but he got upset and stressed so now we let him be it's how he is currently:)

Continue to lead by example and also find some non competitive things he excels at to build confidence. Forest school (as mentioned) or helping a friend with a project.

my children are naturally quite cautious because DH and I are. As teens they are thoughtful when making decisions rather than impulsive. It does have its benefits.

Maybe you should explain to him why you were so cautious before, but that now it's okay to take risks sometimes- if he wants to. Perhaps encourage him to enjoy trying new things, but if he's reluctant after a while then it might just be his personality. It's absolutely fine to have a slightly cautious child, it means they are wise and responsible, something a lot of children struggle with.

Being slow approach or fast approach is a very stable, very heritable trait. Barring actual trauma, he was probably always going to be a little slow approach.

My DD on the other hand, I could have raised at a silent retreat for cautious nuns and she'd still have behaved like a nosy Tasmanian Devil.

Just give him lots of opportunities and he'll fine his place. And pace. FWIW though, stop just saying, "be careful". It's meaningless. 'Don't touch the hot cooker' is fine. Random dire warnings of impeding doom aren't!

If it makes you feel better I was exactly like this with my 4 year old. He isn't cautious about anything in life so it hasn't done him any harm. Maybe your child was going to be like this regardless and is just a naturally cautious child. You do the best you can in every situation and Covid was a scary time, so please don't beat yourself up.

I saw a really good list once about alternatives to saying be careful, like if climbing, where does your foot go next, can you see a handhold. It helps kids risk assess so they build their confidence. Sounds like that might be something positive you could include.

My DD is 3 and we were the same as you, always so cautious.
She is now the devil incarnate, never a day without injury, never a day without diving into something mad 😂
It’s not you. It’s probably your kid’s personality

Please don’t blame yourself. My DS was like this and he’s 14 so not a lockdown baby.
Hes better now but he’s still quite cautious about new things.

Off topic but kind of on topic. Many moons ago when I used to take my kids to playgroup there was one mom who used to jump up and shout "DANGER" whenever her poor kid did something that could harm themselves. Tad neurotic but a lovely woman once you got past the jump scares.

I second getting him into something like gymnastics or swimming. Something to give him confidence in his physical abilities. He may just be a cautious child though. Some are.

I was and am still when I’m not watching my self a very anxious mother just like you were, my daughter is wild! I always thought it was a push back against my tendencies.

Seems like us moms are going to find a way to blame our selves some how. He may just be a more reserved person naturally but he’ll find interests and clubs at school like they all do and you’ll probably look back on all this worry and wonder why.
Not much help I know but really what I think.

Play messy active games with him; finger paintig, body painting, mudpies, waterplay, throwing stones in the sea, rolling down slopes, inventing and making silly sandwiches (banana and jam; mayonnaise and sausages, cornflakes and ham). Shouting messages when you're 20 yards apart in the park. He'll copy you being less inhibited when he sees it's fun and approved.

I think it sounds more like a personality trait than something you have done.

Its so hard not to be constantly self-critical as a parent. I keep reading how I am not meant to say 'Careful!' but some things are just instinct.....

Sounds just like my DS, only he was born in 2008.
He's always been a cautious child, always thinks about things before he does them, isn't generally very outgoing. Thats just his character.

Now at 15, he's still a quiet, peace-loving introvert.

BUT
He's a Young Scout leader, he can take centre stage in drama and performances in front of the public. He's amazing at seeing the quiet, smaller children and helping them in an understated manner. He's not afraid to speak his mind and to stick up for his principles. We support his quiet life, give him time to de-stress and be on his own.
He's lovely 😍

I wouldn't do anything. Leave him to his own devices and let him adjust from now on. Children of his age are flexible. Their habits aren't set in stone yet, though taking shape.

Totally agree with PPs that this is probably just his inherent temperament. I think as parents, especially if you go on to have more than one, you realise how little control you have over who they are. definitely don’t hold yourself responsible over this and anyway being cautious and thoughtful is not always a bad thing!

I agree with PPs it is probably just his personality. My DS was so shy and cautious and just an observer for the longest time (not a lockdown baby and I wasn't overly protective). He didn't want to run/climb/run around like most of his peers.

He really came out of his shell after the first year of school aged 5 and is now very well balanced. Teacher describes him as "quietly confident". He has lots of friends, gets stuck into everything but can still also be calm and cautious when required.

He will most likely grow out of it and it is most likely nothing you have done.

One of my children is about to turn 3 and she’s naturally very cautious and always has been since being a baby. Some children just are, its their character. Her brother charges into every activity at 100mph whereas she prefers to take her time, she’s very confident socially and makes friends easily so I think its just personality difference.

My DS is three, also a lockdown baby and also cautious. I saw something brilliant on social media the other day about how when your child is 16, you’ll be hoping that they’ll be the cautious one who considers what they’re doing before choosing whether or not they get involved in what their friends do. I loved that way of thinking! (Although of course know there is no guarantee that how they are now is how they’ll be when they’re 16!)

1. Refrain from using the word careful. Ever

I always tell the moms in my practise, 'what does it help'? What is the word careful supposed to mean? It doesn't give direction. Use words that assist ie. Look up/keep your feet straight/lift your hands up a bit higher etc.

1. Don't project your own fears. Are you scared of heights. So what. Doesn't mean your children should be. Let then climb high or do whatever you feel slightly uncomfortable with.
2. Try to remember that risky play is SUPER important for development. Risky play means there should be an element of risk ie danger in play. So paly at heights /great speeds/tools and ultimately experimenting with their bodies' physical (and prob mental) limits.

Also you want to encourage your child to analyse the risks not you. For them to become good at analysing risks (what can I do and what not, they need to be the one to assess risk) you become a good assessor by assessing.

In terms of now, I would start with encouraging physical play that has an element of danger, but that he's able to do. We call it the just right challenge. So something that is a challenge but one that he's able to master. Think of climbing on trees/frames the sofa/jumping down from the sofa ect.
Can't reiterate enough to Not say careful/don't do this. Because you're basically communicating "mommy doesn't trust you to be able to move your own body, I don't think your able, look to me whenever you want to do something, I'll tell you whether islts okay)
Good luck mama, you can turn this around, but you have to be relentless in communicating the message that mummy trusts you to move your body wisely and make decisions.