Think I’ve ruined DS’s confidence

[Reesewithafork]

DS was born just before lockdown he’s three - and when the world opened up again I was so cautious. Always telling him to be careful, come away from that don’t touch that etc

hesnow a really cautious kid :( he never goes straight in and gets stuck into a new thing he’s always really wary or says he can’t do something when he hasn’t tried. I think obviously without meaning to but the way I was has really taken away any confidence he might have had and I feel awful about it

any suggestions on how I can bring him out of himself and try to undo what I’ve already done? I only made the connection recently and have tried to lead by example but I just feel terrible

The other side of this is though, you want your kid to be a good risk assessor, which comes through years of assessing risks for himself. So in reality you want him to be able to decide not to go with his friends because it's unsafe etc, not him to need you to tell him that it's unsafe. So if you're constantly telling your kid where to climb, what to do, he'll need you to make that decision when he's 16. Nd then it's easier for him to follow peer pressure cause someone else is making the decision. So yeah I think there is a difference between a child that is cautious because he knows there's risks and one who's mum has always made the decisions

Some children are cautious, some children aren't. Nothing to do with covid/parenting etc.

Dd1 was cautious. She never did anything until she was sure she could do it. Even walking she never took a step until 14 months then two days later walked everywhere.
Dd2 was not cautious. One of her first phrases was "am being careful", normally said as she climbed something aged about 15 months. She walked at 8 months-done in complete faith that if there was something in the way, then it would move or someone would catch her.
She was the one who pushed past the nervous much older child in the park to climb higher. Add into that she only had one hand, so used to frequently terrify watchers.
She was also the one who needed rescuing because she hadn't foreseen that she'd need to come back down. Dd1 wouldn't have been out of reach in the first place.

They're both now adults and their attitude to life is exactly the same. DD1 keeps safe, dd2 is the risk maker.
Ds is between the two of them.

They were treated the same way (except in saying "come down now, dd2" on occasion).

I'm sure you haven't ruined him at all! Messy play (with sand, mud, cake making etc) is very therapeutic. Do you have opportunities to do that together?

It’s probably 70% just who he is - and it might change.

‘Just give it a try’ is I the main thing is to get him into the habit of.

Also lead by example - show him you are doing things you don’t think you can do for the fun of it, and talk about it ‘I’m going to give it a go because it looks like fun, doesn’t matter if I don’t do it right.

If he’s timid he does need encouragement to take some risks.

That’s quite a narrow thought though - you aren’t an older teen for long.

In life men tend to do better in part because they are more confident and think they can do things, and they take more risks.

Life doesn’t reward timid people. Obviously you don’t want an insane risk takers but if you have a timid child you want to build their confidence.

As a very cautious parent I can't help but worry I have made my kids risk averse (he is). But I fight against it as much as I can.

I don’t know. There a balance to be struck surely?

I think mothers are designed to be more cautious for good reason. Plenty of young men very sadly die or are paralysed every summer diving in to stretches of water or swimming pools they don’t know, driving too fast, being stabbed, being paralytic drunk or just generally doing something daft.

Sometimes it’s a good thing to be cautious.

Just wanted to come on and reassure you that it’ll be fine!! ….I was a little (/lot😬) neurotic with my first which became apparent when he wouldn’t get his hands dirty at nursery (absolutely no finger painting for him😆) and then at primary for the first couple of years would stand at the side of the busy playground rather than get involved. He is now a confident, capable and extremely outdoorsy sixteen year old with a good dose of common sense. Yes, you do need to encourage new experiences but no, it’s not too late. Give yourself a hug.

Encourage him to believe that things don't matter. That failure doesn't exist. Make sure he can stand for being teased. No worries if he gets dirty, falls over, gets a cold, gets his pants on backwards or some (twerp) doesn't like him. DS and I used to play 'Tubthumping I get knocked down but I get up again' on repeat. From a decidedly dodgy start, he is now the most confident resilient person I know. It's never too late.

One thing I've heard that can help with this is to instruct what to do, not what not to do, and be specific. So rather than a 'Be careful', say 'Leave space when you walk in near the swings' or 'Find somewhere you can put your foot easily' when climbing a tree etc.

As others have said, it could just be his personality, it's nothing irrevocable that you've done. There's lots of good advice here.

Kids born in covid haven’t been exposed to half of the early things that other kids would have, just generally, because it couldn’t be done, everything was locked down. It’s also perfectly normal that you were cautious, given what was going on! Also, some children are just naturally cautious! My eldest is, my youngest is like a beast & has no fear 🤷🏻‍♀️
Don’t beat yourself up about it! Just look at what you can do now to help with his confidence. clubs and hobbies - sports, gym, maybe scouts once he is old enough.. anything to get those experiences in a safe way where he is comfortable to push his boundaries x

This is what I wanted to write. Particularly swimming with a class. As he gets older, being confident with sports skills will help a lot. Add in football at 6ish if he wants, as this will help a lot with school games.

Go out and about a lot and look for things he can do - stop off at different playgrounds, visit petting zoos (or cafes with well-kept animals), let him make mud pies, etc.

My eldest is 3.5 and is naturally cautious. I do think lockdowns impacted but it's also his nature. I just keep giving him opportunities and have really noticed a difference in him the past couple of months. He wants to climb and explore and try new things. He went on a bouncy castle for the first time last weekend, he just decided that he wanted to. I don't think it's anything I have done or haven't done, they all just do it in their own time. By contrast my youngest was born with no fear of anything and that's a different set of challenges.

I also have a lockdown born 3 year old, and getting him a scooter and balance bike recently have massively improved his confidence

Just catching up with all of these THANK YOU. Thank you so much for being reassuring and making me feel better.
I think some of it is probably his character and I don’t want to push him and make him retreat further. He’s confident in places he knows/with people he knows so it’s not the worst thing ever.

some brilliant advice here, just reading through properly.

Some really good points.
I’ve tried to stop the “careful” and use “focus on your feet, steady or pay attention to what you’re doing”

”stay on the houses side instead of the road” when on his scooter.

we’ve also started playing board games as he has to learn new rules and doesn’t know how any of us will get on.

he does soft play, I’ve signed him up for swimming in September when we can get in.

he likes scooting and balance biking and his dad takes him to the skatepark every weekend as he likes trying the ramps.

so we have made some small steps - which I didn’t realise until I read some of the responses here.

thanks again, so many posts to read through and I’m really grateful for all the replies.

I literally asked my husband this morning what he would do differently if we could go again with our DD who is now 10. He basically said nothing. I said I would make sure we did more throwing and catching of balls as she literally HATES PE, sports day etc and her hand / eye corordination is rubbish. He said his Dad spent loads of time encouraging him to play sport, but he is just naturally not good at them. Made me feel so much better in an instant.

As an aside - when I made a phone call to renew our car insurance, I got chatting with the agent about WFH and she said that she'd had a child shortly before lockdown, so no playgroups, toddler classes etc. Broke my heart. Mum's to lockdown babies deserve an absolute medal 🏅

Does he go to nursery? I have a cautious child by nature but omg he’s crazy now that he’s been at nursery lol