Can't stop thinking about moving 'home' and it's getting me down

[lking12]

For context I am from the North west, I have been in the south east for work for 15 years. I have been in my house for 8 years and we have three children, 6, 3 and 9 months old. I have just returned back to work.

I can't stop thinking about moving back to the North West and living near my sister as well as my parents. I love London and everything here, and in my twenties never thought about it, in fact back home can be a bit more boring. But our world is quite small at the moment, restricted to soft play and park trips etc. My sisters children are 8 and 4.

I'm thinking of weekday walks with my sister on lunch hour with her dog... and our kids having play dates at weekends. I do have mum friends here but they're quite superficial relationships.
But... we'd have to take moving costs and stamp duty out of the sale of our house... it's not worth that much so I am not sure we could afford something in the nicer areas of the North West. Then for work I would have a commute to London costing £400 a month, which is basically equivalent to our annual holiday budget each year (all holidays inc summer, easter, christmas etc). Would it be worth it? (jobs locally seem to lose me more than the £400 a month it would cost to commute to London when I need to, so not worth looking for a local job at the moment).

It'd be so much easier if I could stop thinking about it and we stayed put, but how do I do that? It just feels like something is missing here, but would the grass be greener or would I feel just as unsettled if we moved? I'm really confused and it's getting me down. Husband is happy when I'm happy.... I just don't know how to be.

Have you spoken to your sister about it, or are you possibly idealising it with daydreams? I know that sounds really brutal, but although you’re probably emotionally close with your sister, does she have room in her life for what you’re thinking about?
I do think returning to work after maternity leave can be quite unsettling, which can lead to a lot of ‘what if’ thoughts, but you need to be quite un emotional about stuff like this, it’s a big uproot for your family. On the other hand, it might be the best thing you ever did!

I should add that I’ve always loosely lived in the area I was brought up, within a mile of my parents’ house, and a couple of years ago, in our 50s, we moved to within a quarter mile of it, the area has the same feel, as opposed to the new build local estate we’d been in for over 20 years, and I’m the happiest I’ve been in over 30 years, so please don’t think I’m trying to put you off

My sister is actively encouraging me to move back, she'll keep sending my rightmove links! She returned herself a few years ago and has said she would love us to come back. Last time we visited she took me on a dog walk to show me two nearby properties for sale near her house. But I do think I'm idealising it in general.

We do holiday together which is always fun, facetime makes it worse as we can chat for two hours and then we hang up and I wish we just lived a bit closer and we could do that face to face instead!

She doesn't want to move again and not to the South East.

Thinking about it has really been going on for a few years now, we did a week in an airbnb to see how we liked it and we did, but then work changed their wfh policy and I stopped looking when I realised the commute would cost me £400 a month to meet the minimum I would need to come in.
But what if I moved and finally felt more happy and settled? It's just really tricky to know what to do for the best.

BTW I'd really like to put this to bed and be happy with facetime and holidays, but it comes into my head daily. If I could find a way to stop wondering about life back 'home' I'd really be a lot happier!

I moved back to the North East from the South. Best thing I ever did. My daughter has close family ties now tht were limited in the South.

My job was transferable though and property cheap in my town. So my standard of living is better up here.

Had I have moved if it hadn't?
I am not sure.

I moved from south east to north to be nearer family and it was the best decision. We were lucky that we had enough equity in our property to buy a house outright and we got slightly better jobs.

I was ok living where we were, but when thought of the future (like closer to retirement) I envisaged my sisters (were very close) being in it. It's been great for my only dc who now has cousins around her. I see my sister a few times per week and having babysitters, alongside emotional support has been great.

The big thing for me though was having a better overall quality of life including financially, emotionally and socially. It has worked out but id worry if I was you if you had commutes and costs associated.

Hi OP
I reckon if you're going to do it, do it ASAP so your kids are used to it.
My mum has always thought of the place she lived for the first 18 years of her life as "home" despite living in another region for the following 60 years. Her life with my dad, and my whole life, have taken place in the other region.
Her dissatisfaction with a place that is part of me, and part of him, has cast a (small) shadow over our lives and I feel it as a bit of a rejection of me.
We've never been close and we can't bond over the things I love about the place that made me.

Maybe a bit overdramatic!! but it's something that occurred to me reading your post. I am sure you will get sorted and wish you all the best.

Is there some way of working locally or making lifestyle changes that would mean you more or less break even? The pull home is very strong, particularly with kids, and London with kids is not the same city really, unless you have a lot of money to pay for nannies and get out on weekends.

Money wise we would be worse off. At the moment my monthly commute costs are £80 a month and they would increase to about £450. Our mortgage would be ported so repayments would be the same, and the houses aren't cheaper in the nicer areas we'd be targeting. Childcare costs are the same.

£4000 a year worse off after tax is not something I can take lightly, as I say it's doable, but really compromising on any luxuries and holidays. Our childcare costs will get cheaper in time but we anticipate our mortgage repayments going up by the same amount and will need to replace our car in a few years, so on paper we aren't better off by moving financially.
Schools are okay, but not quite as good, and my career opportunities would be more limited away from London. So with my head it doesn't make sense, my heart thinks I would probably be happier there if we could find a nice house.

Would you have to commute for work? Will they allow you to work remotely? Maybe worth a discussion, depending on your role. I think I’d do it if I were you, I live in the SE and love it, but I’m near my family. If you’re close to your family and they want you to move, then why not!

Could you work from home more? If a local job would be around the same take home as currently when you account for commute costs, I'd still take a local job as commuting will lose you so much time especially with kids.

we moved from the north west to the south east 25 years ago. We've ummed and aahed about returning "home" over the years,
sometimes very seriously, but when we go
"home" now it feels less
like home and the S East feels more like coming home. Our adult kids have work opportunities in London which just wouldn't exist in our small Lancashire town. When I go back up there I'm aware that life has carried on without us and I'm just not sure you can ever return and have it all feel
the same again. I also have a sister and we're very close, but she could move here and doesn't. It works both ways!

£450 a month is based on them agreeing I only need to come in once a week for the weeks I work i.e. minus holiday weeks, so 47 weeks a year? They've asked us to come in twice a week but might compromise but I don't think would be any more flexible than this. Also I do like coming into the office, i find it easier to do my job when I can work in person with people.
The cost is based on advanced fares from liverpool lime street to london return.
We live opposite my daughters primary and she loves it, but I assume she'd love a new school eventually too.

Thanks that's interesting. My sister did live closer (Hertfordshire) but moved back to be near our parents and she now has a beautiful house with a beautiful view out to sea, she has said she's not moving again. As I say we do holiday together but it always feels a shame when we have to say bye.

I do feel 50/50 about what is 'home' now but one thing I do have on my mind is if the kids grow up here and have London opportunities they also have the crippling cost of the South East. Unless they're high earners I can't see what standard of living they'll have. All my friends with every day jobs like teachers etc have to rent, the others have been able to buy through inheritance basically.
My cousins have bought houses in the NW for £200k ish and they're perfectly fine. I'm wondering if the south east is really all its cracked up to be?

Honestly, if you can make it work financially and your husband is happy to, I’d say just move. Do it now before your kids are older and have long term friendships and are really settled.

We stayed, left it too long and now we don’t feel we can move due to our kids schooling. It was a bit different as our would have meant moving country but I really regret it. 4 years and counting til we can leave. I miss home every day, the feeling has never gone.

I'm thinking of weekday walks with my sister on lunch hour with her dog... and our kids having play dates at weekends. I do have mum friends here but they're quite superficial relationships.

Unlike most other posters so far, I'm going to recommend you don't move.

Your reasons for doing so seem to boil down to the above which I think is too slight, when set against the extra cost, commute, work challenges & overall affordability.

How many 'lunchtime walks' are you truly going to do? And as kids get older & busier, how many play dates? I think you can continue to develop mum friends here (meaning south East).

The financial reasons sound very off-putting. If you were going to do it, I think you'd need to change job entirely.

I think it's worth thinking about what might really be underneath the wishing to move home - there might be less drastic ways to address it.

is if the kids grow up here and have London opportunities they also have the crippling cost of the South East. Unless they're high earners I can't see what standard of living they'll have

That's for them to decide tho? Maybe they'll move elsewhere in their 20s or whatever. Don't base moving on this.

I think if you are going to move, then i would look for a job near to where you are moving to - even if it does mean a drop in costs. I have a couple of colleagues who do a similar commute (twice a week now) and find it exhausting. Particularly if you have any other commute the London end ( ie need to get the tube) Also it’s as if you aren’t fully committing to the move in a way!

If you are going to keep your London job I’d also double check with work on wfh - I know at my work we are now cracking down and insisting everyone is in 2 days a week the weeks they work ( other places are still more flexible of course but it’s worth a check on where your current work is at).

Im actually from the north east and have often thought of moving back - family is there but for me the main pull is my best friend from childhood. There have been times when it has been a really strong urge, particularly as I became a single parent . However as my kids have got older I’ve increasingly started to do the stuff I loved about living in London pre kids. I can also see how many opportunities they have here now. I also made a decision that if I’m staying I need to get proactive and force myself to start doing all the things that London offers. I‘m now fully committed to staying ( having said that I’ve always loved London so that helps!).

We moved to be closer to my family when kids were 2 and 4. I felt elated and relieved on the day we moved. Loads of time growing up with their cousins of similar age. No regrets, still here and kids in their late teens now.

You would need to get new jobs by the sound of it to make it workable. I don’t think London provides much of a community anymore there’s often posts on here of people complaining all their kids friends keep moving away. London does offer opportunities for older dc starting work and so those with family to live with will have more options but it’s a short period in their lives as once they want their own place most will need to move away. My dc have been happy growing up in a northern town and i haven’t missed London much at all. I probably know more people in a small town than I ever did in London.

I totally get it OP. I'm from Lancashire but now living in Berkshire. Siblings and my parents are still in Lancs and I have a strong pull back there.

But I'd be uprooting DDs and also DH who has never lived there (but would move if it meant our mortgage was smaller for a similar standard of house which it would be.) DH can work remotely but I can't and I really love my job so on balance we've decided now is not the right time.

But if anything changed with work I think we'd bite the bullet and move.

Lots of people move back to where their roots are when they settle down and especially when they have kids. I live up north and new colleagues regularly join my organisation because they wanted to get back. Once here they don’t tend to leave again so it’s definitely a thing. I don’t think it’d work with a london job and three kids. Time becomes more important than money at some point, so if you move I’d look to get a local job, even if it’s for a somewhat lower salary. Living costs are different so it might be less of a difference than it looks

I’ve looked at local jobs, the pay cut is £15k and I’m struggling to cover £5000 or so of extra travel costs, no way could I afford to change jobs to a local one. The only sort of equivalent salary was a 12 month contract role and that’s obviously not appealing. I don’t mind the travel and it only misses one bedtime a week which is fine (in fact I like the train - when running- and a bit of peace!)

But I talked about it again with husband tonight and he’s very patient because I’ve talked about it most weeks for the last few years!!! But we just don’t see we could really make it work. Our finances are too precarious to just absorb the extra commuting costs, I’d get it all on a flexible working request but if work did want me
in more then commuting costs could double. I work for a big company but our sales have taken a massive dive as the products are not essential so I am
not sure if there will be redundancies and can imagine it’d be easy to chose me for redundancy if I’m not in the office as much as others. And at the moment that’s be terrible for us. Also if my sister was there I wouldn’t be moving back, it’s the people not the place.

I think we have two years to either do it or
not, September 2025 middle one will be going into reception and eldest into year 3, which effectively was when I started junior schools. So I might see if anything changes in that time. After that we’d probably stick here.

I’m not sure whether to try some counseling though because I can’t keep upsetting myself like this again and again. I just feel upset, confused and trapped. It doesn’t really help my parents don’t like driving anymore (late 70’s) and won’t use the trains, the last time they came here for a visit was 3 years ago when middle one was being christened. We go up to them of course but constricted by school holidays etc. There’s no ‘just popping in’ anywhere for me and I guess it feels quite lonely.

I think you should get more flexibility from work with office presence in the school hols and work from home at your sisters (if space) or parents with the kids for a few more weeks a year to spend some more quality time up there, you could maybe put kids in a holiday club there. Your salary might reduce but are things like going out cheaper there? Would you only goaded living in v expensive area? Seems strange it would be same price as London

yes they might be more flexible but the commuting costs are still significant… and would I want to be out of sight out of mind if redundancies are coming?

We live in a cheap area of south East London, moving back to a nice area in the north west. We need to take the moving costs and stamp duty out of the house sale annd what we’re left with is what we’d need for an house up there. There’s no cost benefit I can find in housing or childcare, in fact energy tariffs and council tax are more expensive too.