Can't stop thinking about moving 'home' and it's getting me down

[lking12]

For context I am from the North west, I have been in the south east for work for 15 years. I have been in my house for 8 years and we have three children, 6, 3 and 9 months old. I have just returned back to work.

I can't stop thinking about moving back to the North West and living near my sister as well as my parents. I love London and everything here, and in my twenties never thought about it, in fact back home can be a bit more boring. But our world is quite small at the moment, restricted to soft play and park trips etc. My sisters children are 8 and 4.

I'm thinking of weekday walks with my sister on lunch hour with her dog... and our kids having play dates at weekends. I do have mum friends here but they're quite superficial relationships.
But... we'd have to take moving costs and stamp duty out of the sale of our house... it's not worth that much so I am not sure we could afford something in the nicer areas of the North West. Then for work I would have a commute to London costing £400 a month, which is basically equivalent to our annual holiday budget each year (all holidays inc summer, easter, christmas etc). Would it be worth it? (jobs locally seem to lose me more than the £400 a month it would cost to commute to London when I need to, so not worth looking for a local job at the moment).

It'd be so much easier if I could stop thinking about it and we stayed put, but how do I do that? It just feels like something is missing here, but would the grass be greener or would I feel just as unsettled if we moved? I'm really confused and it's getting me down. Husband is happy when I'm happy.... I just don't know how to be.

When I left my tiny Highland village 10 years ago I never thought I’d be back.. I’ve lived in various places over the last decade and I’m actually moving back in a few weeks. I’m so excited!

I never felt settled anywhere else and priorities change over the years, it’s normal. I won’t have the career I thought I was going to have but there are other things more important to me now.

With three children we’ve given ourselves financial commitments really. I’m not trying to make excuses but just think things through as it really isn’t as easy as dropping everything and going back. It does leave me feeling a bit trapped and panicky but unless our circumstances change i think it’s tough basically, we can’t move.
I really wish I knew of a way to get the idea out of my head then.

Is there a way you could look at slightly cheaper areas of North West?
If the areas are comparable with London prices even if you live in a cheaper area, they must be quite swish.
I'm not saying go for a cheap 2 up 2 down, but something in between?

I felt home sick for 15 years living in a big city, with constant thoughts of moving 'home'.
We then moved to a little market town 5 years ago, nowhere near 'home', but with a very similar feel, and I've not felt home sick once since.

I'm somewhat biased because I moved from London to The North with a nursery aged child several years back and goodness me the standard of living is so much better here.

It's true, you're "worse" off financially in some ways- but you can find bigger nicer houses for way way less money compared to London.
It's safer, prettier, more wildlife and nature, kinder people.... I could go on.

I'm sorry if you were hoping to be put off from it!

Mind you, you haven't mentioned whether your sister lives in a northern town/city or a rural/suburban area- that makes a big difference.

We went rural and I'd never look back.

Why not commit to staying where you are for 2 years (until youngest starts reception) and save as much as you can towards moving costs etc, but enjoy being where you are and make the most of the opportunities and friends you have at the moment.

In 2 years, you'll either still want to move but have a bit more money behind you, or you'll have better roots where you currently are and realise you're happy and don't want to move.

Ways to get the idea out of your head:

Have an honest chat with your sister and ask her to stop talking about it and stop sending you Rightmove links.

Make the most of where you currently live - days out, local attractions, parks. Focus on the positives.

Put some energy into your local friendships to develop them.

Keep busy, don’t dwell.

Is it possible to move close enough that meeting up with your sister for a few hours of a weekend is perfectly feasible, without living right next door? That could make housing costs cheaper?
i understand what you mean - we spend most school holidays trekking up north, while I inwardly curse the day I ever moved so far away.

I was in the exact same position as you.

We eventually moved and it's the best thing I've done in my life. I can see my DSis whenever I want, help my DPs out and the quality of living is so much better up here than it was for us in London - we lived in zone 4.

My DH kept his London job and commuted for 18 months and then moved into a new role so he was able to make local friends, which has been great. It is really tough and it does feel like a massive leap but the benefits are worth it.

In 20 years time how will you feel if you stayed down south for the sake of £4K? Would you think life was too short to worry about that or would you feel glad you'd had the extra time with your family? That's what it boils down to - I eventually felt for us that it wasn't all about money and that being close to family and community was worth more.

You sound really similar to me! Also from north west living in London. I was quite happy here until I had kids (similar ages to yours) but I really yearn to be back where I grew up. I see what my brother and sister and their kids have all growing up together, being able to depend on each other for childcare, meeting up with my mum and going for days out together. My world feels very small here and I feel quite isolated. I do have ‘mum friends’ but similarly to you it all feels quite superficial.

I’d say if it’s a possibility for you to move then I would go for it while your kids are young and a big move isn’t too disruptive. Unfortunately it’s not an option for me as DH’s career (which we rely on as I’m a SAHM) has to be in London and I wouldn’t want him to have such a long commute and not see each other in the week.

I’d be interested to know if those that did the move and love their decision were financially worse off?
Because I wouldn’t take a financial hit with 3 children unless our finances had a lot of give.
Also once your kids are of secondary school age I think being in London is a major plus.

Good advice.

OP, I know a lot of people are saying they moved & it was great.

However, it seems clear that you cannot afford it financially. To me, that means everything else is a pipe dream & you just need to accept your situation & look at the positives.

You seem to like your life, just miss family.

I think it's a matter of very consciously focusing on the positives and the advantages of where you live, and spending holiday time back home and making the most of that.

@TomWambsgansSwans
But your position isn’t the same. You presumably made a lot of equity through your house sale in the south so could afford to live somewhere nice and have a better quality of life. OP has said they’ll take a financial hit and will have to commute regularly.

Just for clarity i'd be looking to move to the Wirral, it's close to Liverpool and Chester and has grammar schools. If we moved all that way we would like to move to West Wirral so West Kirby/Heswall area. It's expensive. I do like the place but we wouldn't be moving back if my sister wasn't there.

We have 4 years left on our mortgage at 2.2%, so a house needs to be more than £500k for us to port out mortgage, so moving to a cheaper area like Bebbington we'd have to remortgage and the lower property value saving is completely erdoded by the fact the interest is much more, making our mortgage payments the same for a lower value property. At the moment we're overpaying/saving the little we can for when our mortgage deal is up in 4 years. Our baby will be on her 30 free hours by then so the saving we make in childcare we expect to go straight to the mortgage.

I've looked at local nurseries on the Wirral and they're £60 a day which is what we pay our childminder now so no saving there either.
Having to spend money on a commute is going to come out of the disposable income we have left. If the train tickets go up 10% next year its a risk. If work demands I come in the next day the walk up ticket would be crazy expensive.
I asked about becoming a home worker but they said no, pointed me to the hybrid working policy which also includes a section on gross misconduct for not coming into the office. If I get sacked, local equivalent jobs are £15k a year worse off so £750 a month after tax which would actually eat into money we need to pay bills, childcare, food.... So i really do feel stuck.

I've got a chat in a few weeks with an old manager of mine in a new part of the business, he's from the North too so might be sympathetic and I wonder if he will keep his ear to the ground for me on any roles coming up that are more flexibility on coming into the office?

Going to try and do some self care about obsessive thoughts because really I do think about it most of the day and it's not good or healthy. For now I need to put a pin in it. It might be best to get a year back at work under my belt and then see if I can justify coming into the office less in a flex working request and where are finances are.

I do love my kids but the costs and stuff around in year school transfers etc just make me feel so trapped and sad about it all.

I think maybe getting some kind of counselling might be helpful.

I suspect the fact you are fixated on moving, perhaps in itself means subconsciously you are not fully committing to where you live now ( I don’t mean that as a criticism btw!). Perhaps a concrete agreement to revisit this in two years might help, but committing to yourself to fully embrace where you are ( which is hard with kids and working).

For most people there is no ideal place to live, always compromises and the reality often different from our idealised version ( as an aside I also really object to the comment that people are kinder outside London which is just nonsense!)

@Charlotteowensdodgydad if the OP is looking at a £500,000 house that's more than we bought ours for. We did make some equity selling up but the quality of life is more about work/life balance and proximity to family for me. We live in a fairly expensive part of Manchester so the difference between London and here js really a bigger garden and an extra bedroom rather than masses of spare cash.

@lking12 what do you do for work? Could you look at a two year plan where you think about a job where you could do it in the north? It does sound like you're over-worrying - eg, fretting about being sacked etc. A lot can change in two years but you could be in a better position for remote working if you're shrewd about it.

I think I'm worried about the move because of our dependents and financial situation. My brother was made redundant in the pandemic and then couldn't get a job for two years by which time he'd burned through all the redundancy pay, it did scare me as he works in finance and has qualifications that should have seen him in demand.

I work in telecomms, they're all based down South (Virgin, Vodafone, Sky, BT etc) except I think talktalk but i know from colleagues who have been headhunted the salaries aren't comparable.

I do feel 50/50 about what is 'home' now but one thing I do have on my mind is if the kids grow up here and have London opportunities they also have the crippling cost of the South East.

In another 10 years the world of work will have moved even further on so there's no reason your dc can't access those opportunities as it's likely hybrid/remote working will be more common.