What are your values? What rules do you live by?

[cleverliterarynamehere]

This is in chat and not aibu for a reason so please be kind.
I am trying to do some "self esteem" work

And one thing I keep coming back to is what do I stand for? What am I passing on to the dc?

We have had a really tricky run of bad luck and financial issues, so for example I guess I am trying to teach them that money isn't important but it feels like it is when you don't have it.

I am not really sure what I stand for and interested in how others see it.

Well being isn’t an ethical code though is it?

Or if it is it slightly makes me think of the Nazis

most importantly, I value education and the pursuit of knowledge.

for money, my values focus on financial responsibility, planning, and living within my means.

I was trying to work out my values a little while back and I came across an exercise that helped

I listed 10 people I admire (mine were people I knew). Then I listed 5 or 6 words that described each person- that helped me come up with some idea of what I value.
For example you might find that integrity, or cheerfulness, or diligence keeps cropping up, and rather might be something you value.

Also list times you were really proud of yourself for how you handled something- how did you do it? Calmly? Ferociously? Over a long period of time?

Those were two that helped me, made me realise what I value and therefore what I want to work towards in myself.

I don’t understand what you mean, but well-being (as in self-care, prioritising one’s health) is absolutely a type of core value.

This is a good one too.
I was saying to the kids at bathrime, you have to be a friend to have a friend

Mine are:
Don't be a dick. Be kind if you can.
Self care. I am someone who needs to remember my boundaries with money, food, people etc.

The main values I want to teach my dc are about kindness and always standing up for what you know is right.

More specifically - I've taught them that there are only two reasons you can be violent, to protect yourself or to protect someone else. And that,if you see someone in trouble and you can help them, you should help them.

Dp's good at modelling another one - that if you don't know why someone has done something, it's better to assume good intent than assume bad intent.

Loose lips sink ships. I don’t like gossip and I tend to keep my counsel. Blabbing about all kinds never leads to a good outcome.

It wouldn't be very pleasant because we don't all want the same things

So if you (for example) always like to be in a crowd of people you would drive me nuts - because I value time alone. I enjoy time with one or two others but more than that makes me anxious.

So I think there is a very important rider. Do not assume that everyone wants or enjoys the same things you do.

I also like to :

Live
Laugh
Love

but that sounds like an advert for incontinence products or a naff bathroom door sign

I have fundamental values - I don’t steal, I don’t cheat, I don’t hurt people. I will help if I see someone in distress and I will not deliberately do anything to make anyone else’s life harder.

I don’t litter, I don’t park in disabled spaces, I don’t jump queues. I am a good neighbour. I care for my pets and give them the best life I can.

I am loyal to my friends and family and I show up for people who show up for me.

I have been a massive people pleaser in the past so I also have boundaries. I have self respect - i won’t allow people to walk all over me or treat me badly.

People are more important than things- don’t choose things over people.

Simple but surprisingly broad and challenging.

I live by my late father’s motto, be kind.

I have always been careful with the ‘be kind’ message.

it is particularly pushed on little girls. Not everyone deserves our kindness. While of course we want to instil core values in our children - they also need to learn when to push back; when to say no. sometimes it’s okay to be a bit selfish - sometimes being selfish will save your life.

the nasty sods in this world will ignore the ‘be kind’ message while the people
pleasing kid with low self esteem will hear don’t push back, don’t go after whet your want, put others happiness ahead of your own.

Nature is truth, stay close to nature and learn from her. (Everything is cyclical, we all move in an eco system, we all have a unique role and purpose)
Life is growth. Keep growing, even mistakes/ regrets are fuel for growth.

Never drop litter
Walk a mile in their shoes
Be kind to animals always
Never suffer fools
Not all men but a lot of men

Always be scrupulously honest. Mainly because I cannot stand liars, but also because it will stand you in good stead when it matters.

This 100%. still working a bit on the boundaries, my people pleasing urge needs to be reigned in!

Also just smile even when you don't feel like it. Your smile will help someone else feel better today.

Again I dont do this anymore.

maybe because so many men used to tell me to smile on my teenage years! It used to be something men said to/shout at women - maybe not anymore!

I now give myself permission to feel sad or bored or annoyed - to not alway have to fake my emotions to make others feel happy.

yes I am respectful and I don’t dump my emotions all over others. But it’s also not my responsibility to make everyone else happy😊.

you can really tell I am a reformed people pleaser! My counsellor would be so proud.

Be a positive contribution to society. That means paying taxes, not being obstructive and being helpful to others where possible. I believe this is THE most important thing to pass onto the next generation.

Focus on the positives in situations. I do tend to sway into what I think is toxic positivity though 😳 so maybe to be taken within reason.

We went through a horrendous financial time ten years ago. Nearly lost our home, I gave suicide far too much thought. So now I do not take on anything that will stress me too much and of course that does temper my efforts for eco friendly living, etc. But i don't give myself too much of a hard time over that either.

Bottom line: do your best - for society and family but mostly for yourself.

Since married never struggling with money, however not a millionaire either. So I entertain my kids a lot with small gifts, numerous little trips and cafe food but all that is budgeted and once my week limit is done, even though i am not struggling to pay for more of it, A No is a No.

numerous i mean really small things, cheap couple of pounds games or toys, local trips, cafe food under 10 pounds

Treat others how you would like to be treated. Be prepared, look out for hazards, be aware you are surrounded by idiots!

Don't be a dick.

Short and sweet.

I try to have the smallest negative impact on the planet as I can; I treat people as I'd like to be treated; I'm honest and law abiding; I act with integrity; I have good boundaries; I know that I matter as much as everyone else which means I don't always put everyone else first. I respect myself and others.

I want to make a positive contribution to the world. Eg my career is based around that and, whilst I'll never be rich, I can live and I'm making a difference. Even my hobbies are performance based so that it provides enjoyment (hopefully!) to others.

My aim is to be a net positive rather than a net negative.

Based on their lifestyles, relationships with others, actions and (future) career choices, I seem to have passed these values onto my children. Which I'm pleased about as their dad can be selfish and is all about the money - making it and spending it. I find wasteful consumerism vulgar 🤷🏻‍♀️