Self harm help :(

[Imdrivinginmygetawaycar]

About a year ago I recognised some cuts on my daughters wrists and managed to talk to her about it. She really really didn't want to talk about it. And then told me it wasn't a problem any more.

Ive just caught sight of her arm and its definitely a problem. They're not deep but there's lots. My poor baby. I'm going to mention it at bedtime but I know she desperately won't talk about it.

How do I take this forwards? I think I should tell gp/school (typically holidays) but doing anything like this will make her feel I'm even less on her side and I want her to feel she can talk to me. She does about other things.

She's autistic, very clever, and I wonder if it's a build up of emotions at times she can't handle. But if she won't tell me I can't help 😭.

I know not to lecture her and I so want her to feel supported but help!?

I started self harming at a young age. Took a long time to get proper help for the emotions behind it .turns out for me it was linked to emotional deregulation due to trauma and I was also diagnosed with a PD. Did DBT on the NHS and it did help.

I don't think children can get proper Dialectical Behaviour Therapy before age 18, but there is a book based on DBT principles for teenagers called Dont Let Your Emotions Run Your
Life for Teens. Can't remember the writers name off the top off my head but Amazon UK is a help here.

Thanks. I used to too but I was an adult (well at uni) at the time and had abusive parents. I really had hoped we could talk if things were too much.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll see if I can talk to her tonight.

Definitely go to your GP. Your daughter may well be upset and angry but she clearly is already very upset and struggling to manage, so trying to get her help is vital. It is very unlikely that she will recover without support. I don't know if DBT for under 18s is available on the NHS, as I had it through the NHS in my 20s. Some help should be available and you may be signposted to local services in your area that could be helpful (maybe not DBT).

My self harm had started in teens and I wish someone had noticed and helped me to get help. DBT in my 20s absolutely transformed my life and I only wish I'd had proper psychological help earlier.

I do know that DBT is available privately for teens eg through this clinic (which is excellent in my experience)

www.mind-reframed.com/dbt-adolescents/

We have no money.

I know school are very switched on (state girls grammar) so was thinking of asking them as I doubt she's the first but don't want her to think I've betrayed her trust.

Maybe tonight just say I've noticed and I love her.

And then maybe a chat here and there over the summer. Including seeking help?

If it's not deep it's for attention.
If I were you I'd be giving her as much attention/love whatever as possible. Keep here away from whatever situation is driving it.
I had a friend who's arms was absolutely covered in surface cuts. Then I went a bit off the rails and got drunk and started doing it any time I'd had a drink. It was a scream for help and love.
I hate seeing the scars on my arm now

I have no idea what is driving it 😬. Love her to bits. I was guessing at pent up feelings at the "release" it gives but no idea. She's kept them hidden for ages.

Does she know you've done it?
Just thinking it might help her to know. Don't know if you told her or not so ignore me if you have

It may well be an outlet for frustration that she can’t actually process properly in her mind, let alone articulate aloud to someone else, even her mum.

However I would absolutely speak to her in a supportive way about it, and discuss seeking help.

Self harm is particularly common in autistic teenagers, you will not be alone in supporting a child through this.

I’m sure you won’t but avoid saying it is “for attention”, it will immediately put her in a defensive spot and it diminishes the feelings that are driving her to do it in the first place.

It can be but not always. Depending on what they use to do it with. But therapy and love are needed. Distress causing this needs to be addressed.

It's about having feelings that need attention . Because something has caused deep distress and maybe even see hate to an extent they have big feelings. And the bloodletting is a release

I hear ya. I had abusive parents as well. Well, one parent who was abusive and the other enabled it. I am hoping you have been in a happier place since.

On a practical note, make sure you have anti bacterial wipes, steri strips, plasters etc so that she's safe and knows where she can get medical supplies if she needs it.

Sorry but it’s not necessarily for attention. It may be due to feelings that are just too big for her to deal with.

Some people may do it for attention but it’s dangerous to say that everyone is. My friend was told she must be attention seeking so she started cutting the bottom of her feet to avoid the accusations of attention seeker. She had been subjected to sexual assaults. It certainly wasn’t for attention. She couldn’t deal with her feelings she needed help with PTSD not shaming.

I find it quite upsetting when people say people would self harm for attention, it's a bit like saying someone with an eating disorder thin enough- it is missing the point and really invalidates what that person is going through.

I agree with PP it may help her to know you have struggled with your mental health in the past too. I would be wary of overly comparing though as you don't know exactly what she's feeling etc.

It's good that school are switched on. I think you should acknowledge it and try to talk/create openness this summer. For me, the fact that no one seemed aware or to care that I was struggling made me feel much more isolated and stuck inside my head. The DBT book a PP recommended might be helpful for you OP.

I would try your GP too, as you never know, there could be some help available. You don't have to go behind your daughters back, you could tell her that you have noticed that she is struggling, you are worried about her and you are taking her to see her GP. She can talk to the GP in confidence.

This may be true for you.
But it's not true for everyone.
I kept my cuts hidden for 5 years, all surface cuts, I felt numb when I saw the blood, had no intention of ever telling anyone or wanting attention, I didn't want stitches nor to go to hospital, it was my secret.
It was just a release of emotion I couldn't express and the bleeding was letting it all out.

Yes oatmeal that would ring true with what I suspect is the case. (As an aside anyone "seeking attention" obviously needs it and I'd suggest parents give it.. but as it is she is keeping it hidden and desperately doesn't want people to know.)

Oatmeal - what would help?

She went to bed early (I think she knew I caught a glimpse) so I went and sat and tried to talk to her. She kept telling me she wanted to sleep to try to get me to stop. Told her I love her, I hadn't realised it was still an issue ("it's not its all in the past- hmmm) and that I wanted to help her/maybe we could talk more. I also said it's a really hard thing to stop so we might need some help .

But I also know the emphasis shouldn't be on stopping bit on what's causing it/the emotions. But she just was trying to hide from me (literally).

I said we could chat some more and when's good (I don't want to talk about it) and that we would talk and I love her.

I really don't know how to get her to open up to me. I think I'll bring it up a few more times then suggest again we talk to school/gp.

Thing is she'll just tell them she's fine/it's in the past. There's no way she'll talk to them. She's autistic and doesn't talk to people...

Oh I did suggest a go. And said I wouldn't have to be in the room - she could talk without ne. Bur she was just completely shutting down.

DBT helped. CBT focuses on challenging emotions whereas dbt helps you find ways to just accept them.
Painting helped, real messy finger painting basically, again I could release feelings I couldn't say.
Journaling that I knew no one would read.

Someone noticed my cuts and I stopped almost instantly as I didn't want the attention however I found other unhealthy coping mechanisms (bulimia )before I managed to get myself well by the above.

Oh so sorry to hear that. I really don't want to drive her away from me and into something else.

I know eating disorders are high in neurodiverse girls and I've struggled.

I just want to cuddle her up and make it better

I did do this as a teenager. My mum told the school and they just sent me to the school counseller who was crap and I was just irritated.

Can you afford a private therapist?

I've recently had a proper therapist and they've made such a difference. I had tried GP/university free counsellers but they just didn't do it for me.

She may need to talk to someone that isn't you. Which isn't anything against you at all, it's unfortunately just how things work sometimes.

I also used an in-person therapist (opposed to online only) who happened to also do online appointments. I think a lot do now because they had to start in Covid. Being online took of sooo much pressure and felt so much more comfortable then bring in a room with someone.

Ring CAMHS or the crisis team for information and support. They sent me loads of info and resources. I've printed off a poster sent by them with lists of other things that can give you the same feelings/rush of endorphins to put up in my child's bedroom. I've bought colouring books, stress balls etc. for my child. They have ADHD and suspected ASD and struggle with social anxiety at the moment. They have spoken to CAMHS themselves in the past but said it didn't really help. Just being there and making sure they know they are loved helps. I've also picked up a trampoline for the garden and am looking into an exercise ball and weights because exercise is really good too.

It may have been for attention for you but I used to not cut deep and went to great lengths to hide it. I did it because it helped the mental pain.

OP, I hope you can find some support for her as per some of the advice above.

Thanks. That's a real pain if school/gp haven't helped others. I don't want to push her towards something if it won't.

I think with autism the therapist needs to understand autism too....

With cahms - I think the backlog is huge annecdotallayxand once referred it can take ages to be seen.

We have no money for private therapy.

I can completely believe she needs someone else. I wonder if school might be the better angle then. Although she won't talk to them so I'm going round in circles

Definitely get help as PP's have suggested, but in the meantime while she's still doing it, make sure you get dressing supplies as PP said, make sure you are always perfectly calm when discussing it or noticing new cuts, and let her know that if at any time she thinks she's cut too deep, to come and let you know and that you WON'T get upset but you just need to know so you can decide if she needs medical attention. I also reminded my child that if she is feeling overwhelmed at any time even during the middle of the night, she can come and wake me up if she is feeling like she may harm herself.