Self harm help :(

[Imdrivinginmygetawaycar]

About a year ago I recognised some cuts on my daughters wrists and managed to talk to her about it. She really really didn't want to talk about it. And then told me it wasn't a problem any more.

Ive just caught sight of her arm and its definitely a problem. They're not deep but there's lots. My poor baby. I'm going to mention it at bedtime but I know she desperately won't talk about it.

How do I take this forwards? I think I should tell gp/school (typically holidays) but doing anything like this will make her feel I'm even less on her side and I want her to feel she can talk to me. She does about other things.

She's autistic, very clever, and I wonder if it's a build up of emotions at times she can't handle. But if she won't tell me I can't help 😭.

I know not to lecture her and I so want her to feel supported but help!?

I am a bit worried the focus on steristrips and plaster might legitimise her doing it as if it's all okay.

Although of course I'll need to. They're all down her arm and I feel so helpless

I don't want to push her away dealing with it either.

You don't need to focus on it, but she needs to know how to look after her wounds and needs to know when to ask you to help.
Either that, or she gets infections, wide thickened scarring from poor healing, or, you know, bleeds to death because she didn't know what to do. People can die accidentally from self harm.

So sorry to hear about your daughter.
The website Young Minds has lots of info on Self Harm including a Young Peoples & a separate parents/ carers guide to self harm. They also have a really good advice line for parents and a text service for young people.
Take care

It's a tough one.

My SH on my arms have often required up to 15 stitches. I don't them.

I noticed when my daughter was 13 that she was making sure her sleeves were pulled down, obviously so.

I can't remember what prompted the initial conversation, I think it was because she wanted long sleeves to go under her PE shirt. I asked her if it was to cover her arms.
We're very open, we have to because of my MH so I asked if she'd hurt herself (more in - are okay baby? Hug. Have you hurt yourself?) She admitted she had. (I think hurt yourself sounds better than self harm).
I asked if she'd let me see. She said no.
I didn't make a deal of it and after a couple of weeks she let me see. Just scratches really to my relief. I explained to her the practicalities regarding risk of infection and Sudocrem is in the bathroom but if anything gets worse then tell me.
No judgement. Then came a heatwave 🙄 so I ended up buying her a tubi grip so she could pretend she'd had a sprain at PE and out and about.
Spoke to my GP with her, there's nothing there - he said if I referred her to CAMHS she'd be in university by the time she was seen.
She had some useless counseling at school.
I bought her some wax strips and said if you want a quick pain release use this on your legs!

She hasn't done anything in about 2 years now. We've been holiday and she's been super confident in a bikini so I know she's not hiding anything.

Anyway long story short - don't judge, don't ask why, use hurt yourself instead of SH and just take time, lots of. Offer practical advice regarding wounds and don't make it shameful.

I started age 12 , heh 35 years ago. Nobody was speaking about it and I suspect few were doing it.

Good luck and much love.

I don't *hide them

Any other missing words, make up as you go along!

Absolutely do make sure you have steri strips in if needed.

My GP just rolled his eyes at me and tried to hide a chuckle when I said I superglued my last one to save NHS time. He's known me 20 years. I haven't even stopped now sadly.
It's never little cuts with me though. Usually one major trauma and it'll be broken glass. Too much and yes, stitches in hospital 🙄

I'm the first one to cry if I stub my toe though 🤣

Sometimes you have to laugh.

I think with autism the therapist needs to understand autism too....

I’m glad that you said this.
Look on the national autistic society’s website for advice on self harm. You can also contact them for specialist advice on the phone.

Also, although DBT is a good shout it needs to be a therapist who is trained in delivering DBT to those with autism (there’s a few) again the NAS can advise.

Where the suburbs - from what I saw there's lots, but not at the steristrip stage. It sounds more like your daughter. I hadn't thought of a tubigrip - she needs to wear an evening dress for orchestra soon and wasn't sure if to suggest anything or go with being open. She always has long sleeves under tops normally.

I could completely believe that going to a gp would lead to a billion year wait for cahms and nothing useful - which was why I am a bit reticent if it will upset my daughter AND be useless.

I definitely don't want to make it shameful but would like to know what I cna do to help her/the whys of it all. As that will help us at home if it's something we're doing.

I'm so sorry you're still struggling as an adult - have you tried to get help recently? I had some psych help for self harm in my 20s which helped me so much. And recently had a 20 week series of counselling from NHS (I don't sh any more but had it for trauma through self referral to iapt.)

Are we humans- my fear is that there wont be any support out there for her on the nhs. Perhaps some emotional support/counselling at school. Which is separate to autism support.

I'll ring NAS later in the week to see if they can advise but I'm not in a position to pay. Its another one of those things where money genuinely would make life easier.

Ah found the NAS section online. It basically also says see gp.... but does have some links and bits I will have a look at.

She desperately doesn't want to talk to me about it. So not sure where this will go. She wants to pretend it's not happening.

As for orchestra - I don't want to suggest She cover up/be ashamed but also want to at the same time. I have no idea.

For the orchestra thing, could you suggest some options, some of which are long/three quarter sleeved? So she could pick that option without either of you having to state why.

It's soon and they're strappy evening dresses. I've only ordered 2. But ordered before I realised (arrived yesterday hence I noticed...)

They'll all be wearing strapping long dresses.

But from a distance she won't be super visible to the audience just her friends. Maybe they know?!

OP, what is your GP like? From personal experience, I have found some GPS really helpful to open up to about mental health and others not so. If you know there's a sympathetic one at your practise, I would go for it. Especially before I had therapy, I was terrified of opening up to people, but it was a kind (female) GP who made me feel secure enough to tell her I wasn't sleeping, was very anxious (I think I said all that before mentioning self harm).

I can share your reticence about the stuff for self harm made safe possibly coming across as permission-giving- I think I would have found that very confusing as a teen. Yet another reason to talk to GP/a mental health charity for advice.

With the orchestra thing, I think you could ask her "how do you feel about wearing an evening dress" and be led by her response. She may not have thought about it yet or may be relieved you brought it up.
Could you get her/borrow a long sleeved dress? May be more subtle than a long sleeved t shirt under a more standard dress?

Currently going through this. We went to gp they referred us to camhs just had 1st appointment and she meets the threshold to be seen there and get 1 to 1 therapy. Don't sweep it under the rug. Dd is 13

If talking isn’t her thing, can you try other forms of communication that may be more comfortable for her- write her a note/text. Let her know you can see the pain she is in And want to help. Maybe and a leaflet about other ways to find release- elastic bands to snap, ice etc. maybe leave a space for a reply.
what does she know/understand about autism? Is this perhaps part of reason behind it? Finding a way to expire and accept autistic identity may help.

Would long evening gloves be practical at all? Fingerless ones maybe as she's playing an instrument?

My ASD does this. It’s heartbreaking, we ended up in A and E. I haven’t forced her to talk. I have said to her that l understand she must be extremely distressed to do this. And l love her and to try and tell us before it gets to that point. She was refusing to go to school. I took her to GP.

Fortunately she was seen by the pyschologist who diagnosed her. It was a cry for help due to school. She told us to do lots of nice things with her.

Weve applied for an EHCP and just being out of a horrible intense academic environment had improved her no end. The real turning point came with a fluoxetine prescription. She’s much much happier.

Its heartbreaking. Your little baby girl being this distressed.

Just be practical. Acknowledge it and dress it. That’s why the pyschologist told us.

https://www.amberproject.org.uk/Groups/245326/ChurchArmy/Microsites/AmberProject/UsefulOrganisations/UsefulOrganisations.aspx

This page has lots of places that can support your DD. There is an app linked at the bottom...sounds good, but I'm not sure if it is useful or not.
They also have a page of nice activities to distract herself with if she needs it....

https://www.amberproject.org.uk/Groups/341185/ChurchArmy/ms/AmberProject/Whattodo/Whattodo.aspx

As for orchestra - I don't want to suggest She cover up/be ashamed but also want to at the same time. I have no idea.

Does she want to cover up? Personally I wouldn't suggest it if she hasn't mentioned it, as yes it may make her feel ashamed. Maybe once you get the dresses, get her to try them on, and if you notice her keeping on covering them while she's standing there, then you can ask her if she wants to cover them.

My DD doesn't care who sees her scars. She does feel awkward if people ask, as she doesn't want the answer to upset people, but she doesn't feel the need to cover them.

No, it really isn't. And saying crap like this will cause even further harm.

You clearly have no concept of self harm nor the reason young people do it, so please stop minimising it like this as it's so far from the truth.

OP - It's so hard, I've been there with one of my DD's. Contrary to the above ridiculous post, it isn't for attention. It's usually their release. Take things slowly with her, let her know you're there for her, don't force her to open up but let her know you will always be ready to listen. Don't invalidate her feelings if she does talk.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. My DD just celebrated 6 months free from self harm which is a huge achievement for her, but it took a long time to get here.

Yep it’s for release. That’s why it’s so high in ASD children. They have to cope with masking too

Hi OP, I understand your reservations re the practicalities but I've been where you are, and honestly, really, dealing calmly and straightforwardly with the steri-strips, tubi-grip type practicalities actually gave me a 'way in' to talk and her a chance to open up.
What helped me most to get there though, was the realisation that the cutting wasn't the problem. It was the distress behind it that was the problem.

How about a dressy cardigan type top for orchestra. DD used to sling one on and could always just claim she was cold.

What helped me most to get there though, was the realisation that the cutting wasn't the problem. It was the distress behind it that was the problem

This.