What are funerals like in the UK? Do you see the ashes?

[Cattlepillar]

TW: death and miscarriage

I've been to a couple of funerals in Asia and it is the custom here that you do the funeral and then the cremation. A day or so after the cremation close relatives go to pick up the urn but you get the remains in a big bowl and take it in turns to ceremonially transfer a bone fragment into the urn. The person in charge will point out which bone fragments are which. I think there is a special way they're supposed to be packed with eg the pieces of skull on the top.

Sorry if this sounds really morbid. I don't think it's done like this in the UK, is it? I have never been to a close relatives funeral in the UK. I had seen pictures of this ceremony for DH's grandparents funerals so I was not shocked when we did the same for MIL. Most recently, and tragically, DH and I did this for our miscarried baby but we just watched the crematorium worker do it as only the generation below the deceased should transfer their remains so he said we shouldn't do it.

It's not done here, no. The remains are kept out of view mainly, aside from the practise of laying out the body in some parts of Ireland and northern England.

My Malaysian friend picked the bones from the ashes when her parents were cremated, and said it was very healing.

All traditions around death are worthy of respect.

My experience is that the ashes (and they are literally ashes, no bone fragments, just a grey powder) are released to the family a few days after the cremation. They're in an urn, and family can then decide whether to keep the urn and its contents or scatter the ashes somewhere, or alternatively bury them. It's not mandatory to collect the ashes; you're given the choice.

No it's not a thing here. I think the ashes are ground up to smaller pieces here, but I may be mistaken.

No, the remaining bones are crushed at the crematorium as part of the process and this is what’s given to the family (if they want them).

No, we get a box of ash.

My mums friend was divorced from a Japanese man and was tasked with collecting his remains post cremation. She was handed a massive box with bones in it.

It’s quite interesting just how much bone remains after a cremation (I get to go behind the scenes as part of my job). You’ll often see a femur or bit of a pelvis. I’ve even seen jaws!

It varies in different parts of the UK.

In Northern Ireland, its common to have the deceased brought home in their coffin the night before the funeral service. When an elderly relative of mine passed in 2021 in Belfast, my mother and aunts spent the night in the living room with their aunt's open coffin talking about their memories.

The same is expected of me and my siblings when our mother passes one day.

In England's west country, its possible to view the deceased in a funeral home the day before the funeral. A sibling and I did this while placing various mementos in the coffin with our grandfather.

Not hugely different to the Northern Ireland example, really. Only difference is the viewing was in a funeral home rather than their last house and one was a religious Mass service whilst the other wasn't a religious service. These two were burials. Wakes held afterwards.

Whether it's a burial or cremation, in the UK the funeral service always comes first.

But for cremations we would have ashes in an urn - not a bowl.

Ground to powder, I believe, in all parts of the UK - England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Yes, it's best to check before an ashes scattering ceremony that everything is as the bereaved scatterer would wish it if you've used Funerals-U-Like or similar. I won't traumatise you with the details of my great-granny's ceremony (outwith these fair shores) but suffice to say the arrival of the Chuckle Brothers wouldn't have gone amiss.

Yes, I thought I'd have heard about it if there were bone fragments involved in the UK. I guess it's an Asian thing. Interesting the Japanese do the same. Funerals here are generally an open casket affair as well.

No that's not done in the uk. Here when a body is taken down to be cremated it's then put into a special tumbling machine where all the bone is crushed up in a fine powder and any metal parts from operations are removed. The ashes are then collected some time later.

MIL's bone fragments just about fit into a standard sized urn. Our baby was hardly anything. I think I'll put in my will that when it's my time I want his urn opened and his remains mixed with my own.

Perhaps a bit more sensitivity? The OP is likely distressed.

There are lots of ashes scattered around the Angel of the North and in sure I saw bone fragments

That's a good idea to get things codified in your will, @Cattlepillar.

I was thinking about something recently along these lines myself, as it happens.

My father had a 'letter of wishes' alongside his will, which were followed.

And apologies - excuse the dark humour above. We've had rather a few funerals lately in my family and it's a defence mechanism I think.

There are different types of funerals in the UK, some based upon cultural practices, some on 'social' ones.

Some accept death as part of life, all are welcome and attend, there's no hiding of the reality. Some treat it as a terrible thing that must be as silent and cold as possible, as few people attending as possible/no children or anybody that might shed a silent tear as it's 'not what we do' to show emotion to anyone. And then there are all the others in the middle. Some can be religious, some not. Some expect everybody dressed formally in black, some not. Some expensive, some not. Some life affirming, some desperately sad, some joyful through the tears, some ultimately cold and remote. I come from the cold and lonely remote version.

In short, there are no real rules other than each funeral is different and you don't see body parts at any stage afterwards.

I make memorial jewellery and often set it with ashes.

I've never seen any pieces bigger than fine grit.

I have a friend who told me about the bone fragments she was asked to pick out whilst in Japan

@Oldraver I wonder if they may have been beloved pets? A UK borough crematorium really should be grinding to ash in a professional manner as pp have said.

As pp have described. Cremated remains are ashes.
As for open caskets and viewings, my family are Irish, living in u.k. they still have the deceased brought back home with an open casket.
This has been the case with many of my deceased relatives. They even let us do this in 2021 when my mother died despite there still being many covid restrictions in place.

The crying is an interesting one. We were told that after last rites have been said you must try not to cry so that you can wish the deceased onwards to a good rebirth. Not easy in practice though!

What is left after cremation is not ashes, though we call it that by custom.

I wish death rituals in this country were less industrial and dehumanising. It's really upsetting to me that we grind up people's bones as part of cremation.

However you do it it's quite horrible - burning and then grinding (or not). Maybe burial is a nicer option...I like those tree burials.

In England's west country, its possible to view the deceased in a funeral home the day before the funeral. A sibling and I did this while placing various mementos in the coffin with our grandfather.

That's not just specific to the West Country - it applies anywhere in the UK

@AutumnCrow I'd love to hear that story but yes this probably isn't the thread for it.

Sorry for your loss @Cattlepillar