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Original poster

Navigating life with 'adult' children

49 replies

JazzyComposition · 24/07/2023 09:15

I use "adult" in inverted commas because I am referring to my 19-year-old son, who is just becoming an adult, but still lives at home when he's not at university. I'm struggling to understand how to connect with him.

Although his first year at university went well, and he made friends, he doesn't share much with us. When he's at university, we don't hear from him for days, and when we finally do, it's just brief answers. Now that he's back home, he keeps to himself in his room when not out with his friends and seems to resent being back here. He doesn't share anything personal, avoids discussing feelings, and doesn't introduce us to his friends or invite them over, making it feel like he wants to keep us at a distance.

It feels like he only interacts with us when there's food involved, and as soon as the meal is over, he's off. I can't help but feel jealous of families and friends who go on holidays together with their adult children and partners. My son has no interest in spending time with us.

Whilst I feel deeply sad, I appreciate this is a stage in his life, and also our lives, and we all need to adjust to. Obviously I want to do this well so that our future relationship is not damaged forever, although to be honest I sometimes feel like it already is.

I would be grateful to hear from those of you who are going through it, or have gone through it and have come out the other end, or even some book/podcast recommendations.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 24/07/2023 09:17

Following - mine is the same. DH doesn’t really see his parents and I worry that will happen to my own family. I couldn’t bear jt

fairlygoodmother · 24/07/2023 09:25

Do you talk with him about other things than his personal life and emotions? My son doesn’t share a lot of personal stuff with us but I’d say we have a good relationship - we talk about sport, the news, sometimes we watch a film or play a game after dinner. It sounds like you’re maybe being a bit intense?

ComputerInitiateJump · 24/07/2023 09:35

My son is older but at 19 he was pretty much the same. He was uninterested in us apart from where money/food was on offer. He's still quite an aloof young man in his mid 20s but dh connects through sports they both love and we all love movies and went to mission impossible last week. Dh helps him with car issues or anything that needs maintaining in his flat. So it's just a case of getting on with your own life really and letting him floyrush in his. I know its hard and it does hurt Fill your life with things you've been missing out on while raising dc. Impromptu nights away, holidays. Your son is finding his way and at the moment he doesn't have a lot of space for his parents. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. Showing him you're getting on with living your life is really important.

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Original poster
JazzyComposition · 24/07/2023 09:42

Thanks you that's helpful. Yes @fairlygoodmother, I am probably quite intense and a pain in the arse, and I have unrealistic expectations. I need help to not be. Getting on with my life is important, and I am doing so, a little bit, but sometimes I worry he might be depressed.

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 24/07/2023 09:46

At 19 this is absolutely normal behaviour. Our daughter was similar - they have to separate and get a bit of emotional distance from their parents - it's part of their journey of transformation into being an adult. Try the neutral path - be there for him when he wants, and try to keep things at home fairly light. Also, as you obviously do, just respect his privacy and boundaries. You will get through this!!!! By her late twenties my daughter was begging us to move nearer to her!!!

Velvetbee · 24/07/2023 09:48

My eldest was like this. At one point he wouldn’t reply to my infrequent texts for weeks and I ended up contacting a friend of his. It turned out he was going through a MH crisis and was trying to work himself out.

He’s mid 20’s now and very confident and chatty. He doesn’t live at home but we message every week or so. It feels fine.

19 is a difficult point in life where things start to feel serious, adulthood and independence have to be faced and everything feels unstable, I think. Just keep reaching out in a non-interfering way so he knows you’re there, and bide your time.

Bobbybobbins · 24/07/2023 09:50

I was a bit like this- I was very independent, studied abroad and found it difficult being back home in the holidays. It will get better OP! Just keep it light with him, be there if he needs you and try to keep yourself busy so you aren't worrying about it.

TreesWelliesKnees · 24/07/2023 10:04

My DS18 is like this. He's off to uni in September and I'm worried he'll never call. However, I was also like this at that age and I hated interference from my mum or any kind of perceived intrusion into my thoughts or feelings. So I get it and I give him space. It's normal. He needs to separate. We connect over films, music and books - long chat about Barbie/Oppenheimer double bill, for example. I sometimes suggest films I think he might like and offer to watch them with him, but it's rare that he'll take me up on that. It's all about the friendships and girlfriend right now. I just try to lure him with good food and chat about interests (not feelings). Keeping busy yourself and rediscovering your own interests, as pp suggested, is good advice.

LadyBird1973 · 24/07/2023 10:08

I think not everyone wants to share their emotions with their parents and some parents are a bit too pushy/not respectful of personal boundaries, while in turn just drives their kids further away. So (not saying you are) be careful of prying into his personal business too much.
That said, don't let him get away with being rude and totally opting out of family life. Insist he has dinner with the family if he's home, or helps with the washing up or whatever it is that you feel is a fair contribution to the household.
Keep chat about neutral topics or just general questions about what his flatmates are like or how his classes are going, nothing too intrusive.

I have 3 adult children, 2 are over-sharers, if anything. One is very self sufficient and when he moved out pretty much disappeared for a while. But they do work out eventually that they miss you and want to make contact. Maybe he's just feeling odd having been living more independently to now be back in a child like situation at home.

MillWood85 · 24/07/2023 10:15

I think all 3 of mine kind of distanced themselves at that age. Same thing, saw them at meals or if they wanted a lift... but no real talking or knowing what was going on in their lives.

Eldest is now 30, has her own children and spends more time back here than she did as a teenager. Middle one has boomeranged back home a few times and left again, but she talks through all of her decisions with me which I love. And the youngest is 25, and comes home every weekend for a cuppa and a natter.

I think it's very normal. Not nice, but normal.

Motnight · 24/07/2023 10:28

In my experience they come back to you.

DD now in mid 20s actually wants to spend time with us. Between the ages of 16 and 20 she barely spoke to us 😬

Original poster
JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 07:52

What if you find out something about them, through snooping, that crashes your perception of them, and cannot see them in the same way anymore.

OP posts:
CatherinetheAverage · 25/07/2023 08:43

JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 07:52

What if you find out something about them, through snooping, that crashes your perception of them, and cannot see them in the same way anymore.

Think we might need some more info there, Jazzy....

Brefugee · 25/07/2023 08:48

i found it useful when my DCs were that age to keep channels of communication open (we still use our family WhatsApp group a lot and they are mid 20s now) and chat about my day, and the news, and books i had read/films & series I'd watched (especially if i thought they'd like them).

Not too many questions that they might think are intrusive (but that anyone else would think is normal conversation - young people need to grow into this, i think)

It's hard but they need to find their own way.

One thing though, i didn't accept criticism of my views, my house, my cooking or any other "services" i was providing for free - unless it was polite. ("wah you didn't do my washing" happened once, and i just stopped doing it at all for example)

Brefugee · 25/07/2023 08:50

JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 07:52

What if you find out something about them, through snooping, that crashes your perception of them, and cannot see them in the same way anymore.

have you been snooping? Don't bloody snoop unless you think they are covering up the fact they have a meth lab (or other highly illegal/dangerous activity) in their room.

If you snoop? all bets are off. How do you expect an open and honest relationship with an adult if you snoop? "your son" for sure but he's not a posession.

Sarfar45 · 25/07/2023 08:54

I would keep it chatty rather than deep emotional stuff. Maybe go out for dinner every now and then, so you have longer to talk and relax. Talk about holidays, news, work, tv and films.

Seeline · 25/07/2023 08:55

I think the summer break after the first year at uni is one of the hardest times for both sides.

You are still thinking of them as kids, the very definitely see themselves as adults. They've had a year if freedom, doing what they want, when they want, how they want, and suddenly they're back at home with parents expecting them to be up at 8am to visit some friends who they don't want to see (or whatever).

You have to give them some space.

And that includes it snooping.....

SallyWD · 25/07/2023 08:56

I think it's normal. I was the same at 19. I shut myself away, didn't tell my parents anything personal, certainly didn't introduce them to my friends. By the way, my 12 year old DD is already like this!
I'd try and relax about it. Don't pry but keep the conversation light - talk about football (or whatever he's interested in), weather etc. General chit chat. I'm sure he'll come back to you. All the grown men I know are close to their parents.

Xrays · 25/07/2023 08:56

My dd is 19 and home from university for the summer. She’s in her second year. She seems happy enough and has a good social life at university but doesn’t tell us much! I think that’s normal to be honest. She spends a lot of time in her room at home, comes out for food and if there’s an outing involving a nice dinner out somewhere she’ll come but otherwise she will literally spend days on end watching Netflix and chatting to her friends online. (We live rurally and she doesn’t have any local friends here).

What have you found out? I never, ever snoop on dd. Her phone is hers, she’s an adult. I don’t go in her room when she’s here. It’s her space. You must never, ever snoop on them or be nosey. Ever. Sure way to completely ruin trust between you.

dd and I have a good relationship- we chat, she comes and sits with me and we watch love island together, silly stuff, but we don’t have intense conversations about stuff. I do trust her to tell me anything if she really needed me though. We all went away to Ibiza for a week earlier last month- me, dh, dd and her younger brother. They shared a room. She really wanted to come and seemed to have had a nice time.

I think you sound a bit too intense. At this age you need to step back and let them find their way and their feet a bit I think.

KitchenSinkLlama · 25/07/2023 08:58

Your expectations are all wrong OP.

I would t expect to be introduced to his friends, I wouldn't expect to know what he is feeling/thinking. I wouldn't expect to hear from my son more than occasionally when at university.

Your intensity will push him away.

I have a son older than yours. He went to university, came back home during holidays and post graduation. I didn't have anything like your expectations. He was finding his own way as an adult and that is challenging enough without an overbearing parent.

My son now has a fantastic career, owns his own home and calls me very regularly. He see us usually once a week (I'm a bloody good cook which helps) and we have a great relationship. Give space - it is what your son needs.

Original poster
JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 08:59

I am ashamed that I've snooped and I'm ashamed of what I found

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 25/07/2023 09:00

Well you shouldn't be snooping. Quickest way to ruin your relationship for good.

Original poster
JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 09:01

Thank you to everyone that has responded by the way, it's really helping me refrain my thought and appreciate that I'm catastrophising.

OP posts:
throwbacko2 · 25/07/2023 09:01

Well your OP has nothing to do with what you are actually asking, so what is going on?

Xrays · 25/07/2023 09:04

JazzyComposition · 25/07/2023 08:59

I am ashamed that I've snooped and I'm ashamed of what I found

What exactly have you found?

dd tells me all sorts of things about her friends… stuff that would probably turn their parents hair grey. One of them was meeting older men in the woods for sex (through a gay dating app), one of them is seeing a much older married man, all sorts. She’s bisexual and lives in a house share with 3 trans people, 2 other girls and a gay guy, there’s a lot of stuff going on but because I’ve always been non judgemental and open she tells me everything and we talk / laugh about stuff together.