Navigating life with 'adult' children

[JazzyComposition]

I use "adult" in inverted commas because I am referring to my 19-year-old son, who is just becoming an adult, but still lives at home when he's not at university. I'm struggling to understand how to connect with him.

Although his first year at university went well, and he made friends, he doesn't share much with us. When he's at university, we don't hear from him for days, and when we finally do, it's just brief answers. Now that he's back home, he keeps to himself in his room when not out with his friends and seems to resent being back here. He doesn't share anything personal, avoids discussing feelings, and doesn't introduce us to his friends or invite them over, making it feel like he wants to keep us at a distance.

It feels like he only interacts with us when there's food involved, and as soon as the meal is over, he's off. I can't help but feel jealous of families and friends who go on holidays together with their adult children and partners. My son has no interest in spending time with us.

Whilst I feel deeply sad, I appreciate this is a stage in his life, and also our lives, and we all need to adjust to. Obviously I want to do this well so that our future relationship is not damaged forever, although to be honest I sometimes feel like it already is.

I would be grateful to hear from those of you who are going through it, or have gone through it and have come out the other end, or even some book/podcast recommendations.

Thank you all.

Is it something illegal?

I think some parents don't stop being the adult parent when kids are teens and that pushes the kids away. It's tricky because kids even when they are young adults do dumb stuff but at some point I think it's best to leave it to them.
I focused on switching my relationship with my kids from Mum of kids to Mum of adults as early as I could. I let them make all their own decisions about revision, exams, Unis, money etc etc. I wasn't a naggy mum.

I don't know but I think it helped keep my kids close.

@JazzyComposition - you seem to be quite enjoying everyone's attention by dripfeeding.

I guess I have to admit I am an intense naggy needy mum. I need to stop.

What have you found? Why have you been snooping in the first place? I'd only snoop if I thought my child was doing something highly illegal.

I don't think nagging works anyway. I have more influence with my adult kids by not nagging They come to me for advice and listen too me because they know I respect their decisions.

It's really hard not nagging them sometimes though!

So what are you going to do, OP? Does your DS know you snooped and found something? If he doesn't know is he likely to find out?

Is it something you think you can look past, or do you think you need to have the "i've done something unforgiveable" talk with him?

Is DSs father in the picture? Is there somewhere else DS can go if he finds out you've been snooping?

You don't have to answer any of that here, but you ought to be thinking about what your next steps might be.

This young man sounds completely normal! What self-respecting 19 year old wants to tell his parents all the ins and outs of his life? And not hearing from him "for days" is standard too - it's a once a week phone call from university, if you're lucky.
He's maturing & finding himself, so he has to cut the apron strings - I hope these parents aren't pressuring him.

@Brefugee, he won't know I have seen the item, and I don't feel there will be anything to gain by coming clean to him. This is a lesson for me that I need to get a grip and try to be less controlling and let him be who he's going to be. By the way I am not trying to be annoying by drip feeding, I am just worried that if I say what I found, it will be identifiable. It's quite an unusual device. Nothing illegal.

you don't have to say what you found. You have to be aware that snooping is never ok for your adult children (or other adults you live with)

it is hard as a parent, ideally you are constantly reevaluating your relationship with your DCs as they get older and more independent. And of course there is sometimes friction - but a solid good relationship can handle that.

Good luck.

When I went to uni I was so busy in between lectures, essays, having to cook and clean for myself for the first time and, of course, going out, that the time flew by and I'd suddenly realise I'd not spoken to my parents for ages! And going home for the holidays felt a bit stifling - all the freedom that I was becoming used to was done, with my mum treating me like I was still a child when I felt like a grown up. If I'd caught her snooping I think that would have stopped me coming back home OP, please respect his privacy and space

as long as he is polite and respectful when you do speak to him then I would let him be. Remember he is living a life away from you and coming back can be tricky. If he is doing things you do not like then you need to accept it is his life as long as it is not illegal or harmful. We can go weeks without hearing from ds, he is just busy and we are not his priority. As long as when you do see him it is happy then I think all is well. I think we get so used to being part of their lives, knowing everything it is difficult to readjust to losing that.

Don’t tell him, but don’t do it anymore. If he isn’t bringing trouble to your door then it’s really none of your business.

try and be light about things. Go about your own business and don’t appear needy. Offer to do things with him he may enjoy, watch a film, go to the cinema, out for lunch etc but don’t be offended or put pressure on him if he declines. Just smile and say ok and arrange to do something with a friend instead.

Don’t snoop! Please, I had a parent who snooped and it completely wrecked my trust.

His behaviour is completely normal. I have one the same age and it’s tough, but you have to let go though. The relationship is changing from parent-child to adult-adult. He’s separating and becoming his own person. Give him the space to do that. He’ll come back, but in the meantime try and get to know him as he is independently of you, if you can.

Snooping is awful unless you are seriously concerned about his welfare. If you get caught out it could permanently damage your relationship.
He's entitled to a private life.

Both mine are the same. It is part of the separation process. Not easy for you. But my way of dealing with it is to make more friends of my own, join more clubs, work more ( I like my work) and travel more on my own.

You've all been very kind, thank you so much.

I’m guessing it’s something sexual then?

This why I don’t snoop on my dd. I’d just rather not know!

Through snooping, you risk pushing him away for good. Unacceptable behaviour from you. He isn’t a child anymore.

At 18/19, I felt so many mixed emotions when home from uni for the holidays. I felt trapped and hated it. I loved the freedom of living by myself, and then it was right back to being treated like a child in my childhood bedroom. I actually think it would have been better for me to work and stay at uni over the longer holidays, and simply visit my parents house. Maintain my independence.

Now in my 20s I extremely close to my parents and see them every week. It is a different dynamic as I am an adult with my own home.

You’ll never reach that stage with your son if you carry treating him as you are.

Why don’t you try having a conversation with him about how tricky you know it must be for him staying with his parents as an adult, etc. Show some empathy. Show that you understand he is an adult now.

Very good post. So true.

Dc1 is the same.
I actually had to have a word with him because communication was so sparse that it made sharing important information hard (i was diagnosed with a heart problem).

But apart from that, yep very much the same. But I wouldn’t say we have no relationship.
Fir me it’s comes down to

• learning to treat him as an adult which can be hard. But he has been living on his own for a while, has new habits that aren’t ours etc…. We all need to learn a new balance. But it certainly includes not expecting him yo do all the same stuff than us - eg on hols, he’ll have time to do his own stuff as well as time with us oyswim.
• be proactive in keeping the relationship going. I’m going to see him for the afternoon from time to time. I don’t wait to be invited! I send him short messages, some photos. Not too often. And I don’t expect a lengthy response either.
• time to do something together just the two of us. It’s usually on his terms - aka something he wants to do but again a great way to connect.

I always remember that not two parent-child relationship are the same. As adults, some people live close to their parents, see them several times a week. Others live in the other side of the world and see each other every few years.
i personally have done both with my parents. It was never a reflection of our relationship, how much I or they care etc…

Instead if being controlling, I’d reframe and say you need to learn to let him grow up and trust him to lead the life he wants and suits him.
And it won’t the same than your life or the life you thought he would live.

Let him experiment. Let him try. Let him chose.
He might surprise you in his choices but it won’t mean these are bad choices.
I mean I doubt my parents ever thought I’d immigrate, retrain in the area I did or be interested in spirituality and Buddhism. It doesn’t mean these were wrong choices iyswim.

I think it's easy to keep plodding along in our parenting groove. By the time our kids reach their late teens/early 20s we've been doing it so long that it's a reflex, and the teenage phase stretches on for a long time. We're perhaps less attuned to the changes than we were when they were little and the developmental milestones came thick and fast, showing it was time for a change of routine or approach.

But I think you've just had a sudden awakening to the fact that the landscape has shifted again OP. These transitions can be tough, but I've found that there's a positive to be found in giving yourself permission to cut loose from prioritising your kids, which I bet you've instinctively done for the last 20 years. You are now not only allowed to think about yourself and rediscover your own interests, but doing so will actually benefit your DS. Win win!

It's difficult to break these patterns of thinking and feeling, but it can be liberating too. Realising that you don't need to know what he's up to, and that it's absolutely nothing to do with you. Sounds brutal, but is also like setting down the burden of responsibility after all these years. He's an adult, he can carry it himself now. It's a new phase of life for you both, and your relationship may feel fractured initially, but hopefully in time it will settle into a new shape that suits you both.

This is definitely what you need to address.

You've done a great job, he's flown the nest! You wouldn't expect a baby bird to keep returning home after they have fledged.

I think you need to start planning fun and exciting things for you and your husband. And you and your friends. Find some hobbies.
Treat your son as an adult, speak to him like you would to an old family friend you pass in the street.

Then once he's done some partying in the real world he will come back to you. He will have a partner and you can have dinners with them etc.

I mean this is kinda rose tinted glasses style thinking but I think this is what you need to do

OP, you are allowed to struggle with this as it is a massive shift from the role of on-hand parent which you have been for the best part of two decades. I struggle hugely with it but I recognise this is my problem, not theirs. They don't want as much contact, so I've weaned myself down to a couple of calls a week. I try hard not to ask too much about their social lives or love lives.

As a PP suggested, the best way forward is to find new ways to connect as adults - common interests or just asking DC's opinion about stuff going on in the news.

I'm in the really early stages of this, but just as I realised once DC were born that I had to create a new life I loved rather than yearn for the freedom of the old one, I think we need to create a whole new way of interacting with them which respects them as adults and ensures they respect us too.