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Original poster

Abusive mum now has dementia. How do I cope?

34 replies

KingKhazi · 23/07/2023 06:47

I grew up in an incredibly abusive household. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Don't want to go into details. My mum didn't protect me.

She's now 84, recently diagnosed dementia, and lives in a housing complex with carers on site. It's not a care home, she has her own flat and carers go in 3 times as day to prepare meals and give medication. She doesn't require personal care yet.

Out of duty, I do her shopping once a week, do her cleaning, laundry etc. I visit her every other day. I'm an only child, I'm all she has.

However she rings me all the time. Asking where I am, why haven't I visited etc. Its getting worse to the point I asked the carers to tell her I wasn't well and not to contact me for a few days. She forgot this and still kept ringing me. If i don't answer she presses her emergency buzzer for the carers and tells them she's worried about me and can they contact me. They then pretend they've rang me and tell her I'm just busy. I removed her telephone once and told her it was broken. That didn't work. Carers contacted me to say she was constantly pressing her buzzer to find out where i was.

She's been assessed but been told she doesn't require a care home yet and we'd have to pay if we wanted her in one. We don't have that kind of money. Where she is now, she gets the rent paid and most of her care is funded. I pay for one extra call a day as she was assessed as only needing 2 calls (apparently she didn't need a lunch call because she doesn't take medication then, and breakfast carers could make her a sandwich and leave it for her).

I'm at my wits end. I do what I do out of duty. Not love.

I get that's she's lonely but she won't join in with any of the communal activities or go to the on site cafe alone. She says she doesn't know anybody. Well no because she doesn't leave her flat! I've taken her to the activities and to the cafe. The other residents are very welcoming and invite her to sit with them etc.

She rang me at 3am this morning to ask where I was. She doesn't have any concept or time now even tho she's got a clock

OP posts:
Bodybop · 23/07/2023 07:10

She won’t ever stop calling

it sounds extreme but if you get another phone number just for her ( dual sim), you can silence it and have a voice mail that says hi mum it’s me I’m fine, just busy at the moment will call you at 7 pm. She’ll always get that and you can ring once a day.

it wont stop I’m afraid

Myneedycat · 20/10/2023 09:32

I think I’m going to be in this situation soon. I’m going to move away next year I think. I know that sounds cruel but I am not happy where I’m living anyway and I don’t want to spend the next few years in this trap. I would choose a specific ring tone for her on your mobile so you can choose when to answer it. Block her on the landline. That’s what I did.

Miekle · 20/10/2023 09:59

Can you block her number between the hours of eg 8pm and 8am? And put a sign next to her phone to tell her you are busy/sleeping during these times so you won't reply.
Don't worry about her annoying the carers - they'll be used to it, and if it gets too much for them they'll just recommend she moves to a home.

In terms of the bigger question about how much you should do for an abusive person (forget that she birthed you - that doesn't mean you owe her anything) that is very individual to you and your situation. Personally I'd have nothing to do with any abusive people, except to be polite if I happened to bump into them. That's my boundary. Yours may be different, and that's okay if you're happy with it. But don't be pressured into doing more than you want to just because of 'duty'. She didn't take care of you properly did she.

Harrriet · 20/10/2023 10:18

She also had a duty of care, to you.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 20/10/2023 10:24

I like the idea of that message saying you will call her at a certain time. Worked well with my Gran, my mum called her 730pm daily, helped keep track of time too.

OP funding shouldn’t come from you for a care home but your Mum, if she hasn’t got funds it will be funded

AbbeyGailsParty · 20/10/2023 10:32

Spread the load.
You could contact Age Concern locally, they have befrienders who’d talk to your mother on the phone or maybe visit each week for a chat in the on site cafe.
Local church ? Might do similar.
RVS set up befrienders to chat on the phone during Covid, don’t know if it’s still going. You could Google RVS , I think they’re linked to the GoodSam app too.

CMOTDibbler · 20/10/2023 10:32

Does she remember your phone number or is it saved in her phone? If she only knows to press the saved number, get a cheap phone and payg sim and change the saved number to direct to that - and set the voicemail as pp said. Then decide what cadence of calls you can cope with and what time.
A board with 'Today is Friday, KingKhazi was last here on Monday and will be bac k on Sunday. She will phone you at 7pm' or some such might help to prompt her, or maybe a dementia clock to show when it is night and day.
But to an extent, let her buzz the carers all the time - this is all evidence towards her care needs increasing and not being settled at night is one of the big tick list towards residential car

Parky04 · 20/10/2023 10:36

Unfortunately, it won't get any better. My FIL was like this. We just unplugged the house phone during the night. Eventually, he got so bad that he went into a care home (self funded, though).

countrygirl99 · 20/10/2023 10:44

Prettypaisleyslippers · 20/10/2023 10:24

I like the idea of that message saying you will call her at a certain time. Worked well with my Gran, my mum called her 730pm daily, helped keep track of time too.

OP funding shouldn’t come from you for a care home but your Mum, if she hasn’t got funds it will be funded

It will only be funded once she is assessed as needing a care home. Annoying her daughter is not a factor in that assessment and if she is currently assessed as only needing 2 visits it's not going to happen. This is why people shouldn't give away their assets to avoid care costs (not that it applies here), you are stuck with what the LA thinks you need and tough luck if that doesn't work for other people.
OP I agree with the suggestion of putting your phone on do not disturb mode at night. You can set it so people you want to get through can. The idea of a separate phone you can switch off when it's too much is also good. But you won't change her behaviour so don't get stressed trying you'll only upset yourself for no result. And also don't worry about her being left a sandwich for lunch either.

Sicario · 20/10/2023 10:46

Get a cheap phone handset and a new number just for her (and her carers). Keep this phone switched off or on silent. Block her on your current number and on your house phone. This way you control when and if you speak to her.

Inform all relevant agencies that you are not her carer.

Learn about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) which is so deeply embedded in daughters after a lifetime of training. There is a website Out Of The Fog which you might find helpful.

Practise emotional detachment and remind yourself that none of this is either your fault or your responsibility. You don't OWE your mother anything. She was not a good parent to you and let you down badly.

Take a deep breath and remember that you matter and that your life belongs to YOU and nobody else.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 20/10/2023 10:52

What an awful situation for you @KingKhazi . I can only advise that the more you answer and allay her anxiety, the less others will see it, and the less anyone will know she needs a care home.

The other posters have given great advice re the phone, just one for her and her carers.

You need to step right back if you can (and DO NOT FEEL ANY GUILT!) and let more people have to deal with her.

MariaVT65 · 20/10/2023 10:57

OP, I think you’ve been very generous so far and if I were you, I’d cut contact considering the abuse. Just because someone is ill or becomes vulnerable doesn’t mean they suddenly warrant forgiveness or become a nice person.

My dad was abusive to us and we have cut contact with him. Couldn’t give a toss what happens to him in old age.

Failing that, block her number.

jadey1991 · 20/10/2023 11:31

Op sorry ro hear about ur mum. However it won't stop until the condition gets worse.
My nan was diagnosed with alzhimers and belive me she would call me and my dad all hours of the morning and say she has to do this and that.

After a while she forgot she had a phone and didn't ever call. To be honest I miss those phone calls. Because now I know she will never be the same again. She is going down hill and on her last stages.

I mean I know your situation is completely different but I think taking her phone away isn't going to help. She is in a confused state.

Gymnopedie · 20/10/2023 16:37

All the posts saying block her number, don't answer the phone - it's clear that all that would achieve would be to have her pestering the carers even more.

OP could the carers, rather than pretending to ring you, tell her it's because you're busy and can't answer?

sprigatito · 20/10/2023 16:39

Drop the rope. You don't have to do a damn thing for your abuser; she isn't your responsibility. You should have cut her off years ago.

YorkieTheRabbit · 20/10/2023 16:51

It’s incredibly difficult dealing with the constant calls, I went through it with my step mum, I’d leave my phone on silent only to be met by upwards of 30 voicemails, often of her crying and pleading with me to answer.
Im unsure that blocking her number would work. Yes you won’t get the calls from her but she will get more distraught and will still be pressing the buzzer for the carers.
There is no easy answer I’m afraid

BastetsWhiskers · 20/10/2023 17:07

It's incredibly hard isn't it - similar situation here. Can't cope with it.

Best to focus on getting her moved and then your duties are lessened.

PP mentioned befrienders. You don't have to pay for her care if she needs a home with 24 hour staff. Council will do that.

It's so hard to detach.💐

Viviennemary · 20/10/2023 17:14

The point is if you are not at her beck and call then the carers will need to take up the slack and get other help or refer to social services. Get in touch with one of the Ahlzeimers charities and see if they have any suggestions. Perhaps it's time for her to consider residential care. You can't have your life and mental health ruined by those unreasonable demands.

LeefsPrings · 20/10/2023 17:17

Let's get one things straight. You will NOT have to pay. It doesn't work like that. They only take her financial circumstances into consideration, and family members are not expected to pay for the residential care of an elderly relative. Her finances, savings and any property she owns would be assessed, and only that will be used to determine whether SHE has to pay for her care or not. They do take account of whether a spouse is still living at the house.

StoatofDisarray · 20/10/2023 17:37

Harrriet · 20/10/2023 10:18

She also had a duty of care, to you.

You must have skipped the first sentence. Her mother didn't fulfil her duty of care so why should she?

Createausernameargh · 20/10/2023 17:43

Call your local council mental health team - say you can’t cope anymore. She needs to go into a home. Give them all the back story. It’s awful. Had similar with my dad op

Ihadenough22 · 20/10/2023 17:44

What Myneedycat said here was a good idea re giving your mother her own ring tone. From what you said in your post my needycat I think that moving away could be a good idea.
In some cases you could have had a parent that was mean, abusive and did nothing to help you but then expects you to be available to help them as they age.
One of my friends has a mother like this. My friend had several things over the years that they needed help with. Their mother attitude was not to bother her as she was to busy. The same woman could find the time and money for her golden children.
My friend is now making plans so they won't be as available in the future as they are now.

I think that getting her the altizmers clock so she knows that it's day or night could be a help.
Tell her careers that you ring her at y time each day so they can say X is in work but they ring you at y time. I would also look up the altizmers society in the UK as they may have advice on what to do ect.

Ihadenough22 · 20/10/2023 17:44

What Myneedycat said here was a good idea re giving your mother her own ring tone. From what you said in your post my needycat I think that moving away could be a good idea.
In some cases you could have had a parent that was mean, abusive and did nothing to help you but then expects you to be available to help them as they age.
One of my friends has a mother like this. My friend had several things over the years that they needed help with. Their mother attitude was not to bother her as she was to busy. The same woman could find the time and money for her golden children.
My friend is now making plans so they won't be as available in the future as they are now.

I think that getting her the altizmers clock so she knows that it's day or night could be a help.
Tell her careers that you ring her at y time each day so they can say X is in work but they ring you at y time. I would also look up the altizmers society in the UK as they may have advice on what to do ect.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/10/2023 17:47

Get another cheap mobile just for her calls, and put a message on it to say, Sorry, I can’t talk now but I will give you a ring later.
And limit it to once a day.
You have all my sympathy - my DM with dementia went through a long phase of ringing my poor Dbro up to 30 times in one hour. It was seriously starting to affect his MH. She simply could never remember that she’d only just rung him.

Once she moved to a CH we said absolutely no way to a phone (landline) in her room. A mobile would have ‘walked’ within 24 hours anyway - the (dementia) home was like Kleptomania Central.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 17:52

StoatofDisarray · 20/10/2023 17:37

You must have skipped the first sentence. Her mother didn't fulfil her duty of care so why should she?

Show quote history

You've misunderstood, Harriets post is pointing out the poor job her mother did so op shouldn't feel guilty about not being available.

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