Abusive mum now has dementia. How do I cope?

[KingKhazi]

I grew up in an incredibly abusive household. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Don't want to go into details. My mum didn't protect me.

She's now 84, recently diagnosed dementia, and lives in a housing complex with carers on site. It's not a care home, she has her own flat and carers go in 3 times as day to prepare meals and give medication. She doesn't require personal care yet.

Out of duty, I do her shopping once a week, do her cleaning, laundry etc. I visit her every other day. I'm an only child, I'm all she has.

However she rings me all the time. Asking where I am, why haven't I visited etc. Its getting worse to the point I asked the carers to tell her I wasn't well and not to contact me for a few days. She forgot this and still kept ringing me. If i don't answer she presses her emergency buzzer for the carers and tells them she's worried about me and can they contact me. They then pretend they've rang me and tell her I'm just busy. I removed her telephone once and told her it was broken. That didn't work. Carers contacted me to say she was constantly pressing her buzzer to find out where i was.

She's been assessed but been told she doesn't require a care home yet and we'd have to pay if we wanted her in one. We don't have that kind of money. Where she is now, she gets the rent paid and most of her care is funded. I pay for one extra call a day as she was assessed as only needing 2 calls (apparently she didn't need a lunch call because she doesn't take medication then, and breakfast carers could make her a sandwich and leave it for her).

I'm at my wits end. I do what I do out of duty. Not love.

I get that's she's lonely but she won't join in with any of the communal activities or go to the on site cafe alone. She says she doesn't know anybody. Well no because she doesn't leave her flat! I've taken her to the activities and to the cafe. The other residents are very welcoming and invite her to sit with them etc.

She rang me at 3am this morning to ask where I was. She doesn't have any concept or time now even tho she's got a clock

Op you don't owe your mum anything she failed you as a parent when you were vulnerable as a child, ok I know you probably don't feel you can cut her off completely but you need to create boundaries. You can't spend the next few years running yourself ragged and feeling resentful . She won't change or apologise. Put yourself first.

Can you put a sign up next to her phone to remind her to check the time first and also a calendar to tick off when she has called you?

💯 this.
Just because people get old and frail doesn't give them a pass on how they've behaved the rest of their lives so don't guilt trip yourself. I'm afraid you reap what you sow.
In your position I would help, but bare minimum.

I she's anything like my mum she will.think if she's ticked a day that must be yesterday. She can be a month ahead of herself. Sounds like OPs mum has some level of cognitive decline so logic is put through window.

@Harrriet I see! I'm in complete agreement with you.

You've been given some good advice here. The important thing is to remember that you have choices here. You do not have to act as unpaid carer for anyone.

Your mother has a progressive illness and will not improve, no matter how much of your own life you sacrifice to support her. It won't help anyone if by the time she dies, you've lost your own physical and emotional health along the way.

Set boundaries that work for you, and remember that social services will ignore any of her needs that you are meeting. If you clean and shop for her, it just means that they decide she doesn't need help with those things.

It will pass. The constant phone call stage is often followed by difficulties using the phone, losing the phone or mixing it up with the remote control.

D you want to keep up this amount of care for a mother who abused you?

She is being kept safe and looked after. You do not need to put up with her harassment. She could live for years and years.

None of this is your fault. You don't have to fulfil a duty. You are allowed to move on with your life.

@KingKhazi try posting here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents. Lots of practical support.

For your own sanity, you walk away now.
You are not obliged to visit nor pay for any kind care. Your mum pays for her own care or the council pay for it.
Tell the carers that you are not to be contacted again, change your number.
I know this sounds harsh, but after the way you've been treated, you deserve some peace in your life.