Anxiety is destroying me

[itsarainyday]

I've always been a positive, robust and resilient person. Someone who seeks solutions, supports and encourages others, takes risks and believed in herself.

I have no idea what happened. But the last few months I've been suffering from anxiety only it was like scope creep. What started out as low level anxiety developed into a full brown anxiety attack. Only I didn't recognise the symptoms at the time and those that I spoke to didn't recognise it in me either as it's so out of character for me. I'm usually the one friends and family turn to for advice, support and strength.

Unfortunately, in the middle of this anxiety attack (which I hadn't realised at the time), I made a HUGE decision and turned down a school place that we had always wanted for DD. It's extremely hard getting a place at this well known school. It's too late to get it back. We could try but we'd make a fool of ourselves as we accepted them turned it down last minute. DH says to accept what's done is done. I cannot get over the guilt that I've made a decision that I really regret that impacts DD. She had wanted to go to this school as well with her friends. What I am really struggling with is self compassion. How to forgive myself. How to move on and accept the situation. The anxiety is crippling and eating me up. I try to talk to DH about it but he doesn't want to talk. He will walk away or shut down the convo as he says it's pointless talking as the situation is what it is and we can't change it. Not being able to talk to allay the negative thoughts makes my anxiety worse. DH is currently undergoing an ADHD assessment which might explain his communication issues.

I am speaking with a therapist. Not that helpful so far so I may need to change. My sleep is being impacted which I know makes anxiety worse. I am trying to focus on eating healthily and exercise. I am trying to find time for self care. Basic things such as having a moment alone with a cup of coffee or taking 5 mins on a skin care routine. I was close to burn out previously because of a demanding full time job and judging childcare with the dog, running the house and caring for elderly parents. Basically, looking after everybody else but nobody taking care of me. DH and I have relationship issues anyway and I feel lonely and trapped in our relationship, and a combo of all this is what I suspect led to anxiety developing.

However, I'm unable to stop ruminating and going over and over the decision I made. I fantasize about going back in time and undoing it. Or wishing I'd wake up and it was all a nightmare. I simply can't believe I was so stupid. What I struggle with is that I NOW recognise it was anxiety that led to such illogical thinking as well as lack of sleep during this period. I could not recognise it then but see it so clearly now.

I am going to make an appointment with the GP to speak about my anxiety.

Sorry to post on here. I don't have anyone else to talk to hence offloading here and hoping for some kindness, wisdom and advice. I have an appointment with my therapist but it's not until Monday.

Oh my goodness, you are really in the eye of the storm here OP. Having been somewhere similar to you, with that constant rumination over past mistakes and wishing I could turn back time, I would advise you to face what is coming up and try and work through it. Please stay in therapy if you can, change therapist if you need to, but try and trust the process. I also needed medication in order to stabilise. My sleep was massively disrupted due to constant thinking too, I just had to accept this for a while. This isn't a life long sentence, but I do believe you may need to sit in this for a while and work out how you have got to this place and start to make changes where necessary. Good luck OP.

How old are you OP, I didn’t realise anxiety can be a symptom of menopause until I went from being a largely confident person to being stopped in my tracks by anxiety.

Sorry you are feeling like this. I've always been anxious but it got so bad last year it was affecting everything else in my life.

You say 'we could try and get the place back but we'd make fools of ourselves' - so it sounds like you are still considering the possibility of trying to change your situation. If it were me I would take a VERY deep breath and tackle this as a first course of action. Talk to them - see if it is impossible. You might feel foolish but a positive outcome would be worth it. At least then you'll know and you won't be keeping that door open in your mind.

There are lots of tips for trying to interrupt rumination - some of them work for me and some are a bit woo, but it is worth a try. Something I do if I really can't get out of a loop is write it all down, using the PC, start a document and get it all out. (You can then print it and screw it up and throw it away or something - not my bag but it could help.) Writing down individual worries and putting them 'away' somewhere can help.

And then doing physical things can help - I do a deep muscle relaxation which a) forces me to focus on something other than worry for 15 minutes and b) genuinely helps my body relax as my anxiety has string physical effects on me. Google 'deep muscle relaxation exercise' or similar.

On a longer term note - I found therapy really turned a corner for me when we got round to doing my formulation. It helped me to uncover where my anxiety came from and why it had got so bad. This, for me, was as helpful (if not more) than any treatment or technique because I could finally understand myself and be compassionate towards myself rather than baffled and angry.

Good luck. Imagine you are a being a friend to yourself. Try to treat yourself as you would them.

Thanks @coffeeisthebest . I realised I need help when I wasn't functioning properly. On the outside, I seemed fine but inside I was crumbling and was sleeping around 2-3 hours at best a night. DH didn't notice or, if he did, he didn't say anything. It took a couple of weeks to find a therapist and I called the Samaritans in the meantime. That was a lifeline for me. I was so desperate for someone to confide in. On the outside, I seem to have it altogether. Being vulnerable is hard because I've always had to be there for others. Indeed I do feel I was in the eye of the storm looking back. At the time I made the decision I regret, my son was in the process of his ADHD diagnosis as well which was the consequence of a very challenging and stressful year behaviour wise.

@Jellycatspyjamas 44. I did actually consider if I was pre menopausal. If it is menopause, I'm going to even more disheartened as we've not had any intimacy in our relationship for several years now (DH issue) and I'm worried we won't be able to resolve this before menopause hits and perhaps I lose my libido.

@Edwardandtubbs some useful tips there. Thanks for sharing. The problem with trying to get the place back is that DH is against it. It's not just that we turned the place down last minute. We also asked our current school to give DD her space back and they went above and beyond to make it happen (she's an exceptional student and they wanted her). So, morally, I feel like we can't. I especially feel I can't without DH's support. His view is accept what we've done. He isn't bothered by this other school and is quite happy where DD is. The writing is useful. The thing is, at the height of my anxiety, I was writing down the reasons for my decision and it SEEMED so logical at the time. Looking at the same list now, it doesn't seem logical. I hadn't realised anxiety could mess with the mind so much! It's all the negative thinking. I made a decision based on fear. Whereas the normal me is very much "go for it, take the opportunity, find solutions". The meditation sounds useful. I will definitely give that a try. It's hard as my thoughts go back to rumination.

I will speak to my therapist about trying to find out what my trigger was so I can identify what triggered my anxiety and what makes it worse. I do think it was stress, lack of sleep and a poor diet (I turn to junk food when stressed and tired). I had a lot on my plate and absolutely nobody to turn to and ask for support. I know I need to be kinder to my self. It's so hard to be self compassionate as I goofed up so badly. I can handle poor decisions that impact me. Not when it impacts my DD.

Sounds like the menopause. Recommend you start taking magnesium immediately while you wait for the GP. And melatonin for the insomnia.

Yep, your post is screaming peri-menopause

OP, do not underestimate how painful it is to feel unheard but your partner. I work with kids and this week a child screamed in my face 'no one ever listens to me'. I was reflecting afterwards that there are many of us that could probably do with shouting that out at the top of our lungs. We all need to feel heard. And validated. You sound like you are giving yourself a bloody hard time. We all make decisions all the time OP, without knowing how they will pan out, it is just life. I hope therapy and other routes you are taking will assist you in finding a bit of space.

I had some terrible anxiety peri meno just waking up with the sick guilty feeling and very low mood.
HRT has stopped that thankfully. Sounds like you have other factors though that would cause you genuine burn out, it must have been incredibly stressfull going through the ADHD diagnosis process.
Sounds like your DH isn't very supportive or caring. I do think you should move on from the school issue but often anxiety needs a focus to feel bad about. Your DD sounds like she would thrive wherever she goes.
My closest friend suffered terribly and Setraline helped hugely she said it was like turning the worry and dread down so she just couldn't ruminate she could just let things go.
Hope your GP can help.

@itsarainyday I am sure you don’t have much time for reading but if you do then this book by Professor Paul Gilbert is excellent https://overcoming.co.uk/528/The-Compassionate-Mind---Gilbert

Last night I had to phone an ambulance had a pain down back of left arm that keep coming and going I have anxiety and health anxiety I had sweaty hand was crying anyway ambulance service said I did not trigger an ambulance so go to my urgent treatment centre so of I went I had an ECG which was absolutely fine my BP was 152/92 heart rate 114 they sent me home saying I was having a panic attack I've woke this morning and still feel very anxious anyone got some tips?

There's so much to unearth here I don't know where to start.

1)GP appointment to have a blood test, to check basics and check vitamin d, oestrogen levels. Do you have other menopause symptoms.

2)Email school, say you were ill and regret rash decision. One final check to see if it can be undone. If not your'll have to accept, and forgive yourself, and move on.

Take a step back here, view again, it's hardly life changing. dd is bright with supportive parents, she'll thrive anywhere.

3. your current relationship with DH clearly needs work. However, not wanting to talk about it is a very valid, male viewpoint. What's the fucking point of talking about it again and again and again, it's completely fruitless. So just accept that he has a point and move on.

4)However, you do actually have an awful lot to talk about, so change your therapist and get another one that suits you.

5. write all out, like a pp suggested. everything you think, everything you feel into a document and use that to verbalise all your thoughts and feelings. When you do actually get to therapy you can then use the time sensibly as you've already verbalised a lot of how are you feel.

6. why do you have no close friends? to whom you can talk to about all this. do you shut people out? I have close friends who I can tell everything to and my mum. so why do you not have this opening? do you put on a front and want everybody to think you're coping even when you're not. why can you admit that you're not coping, with this one thing (school) (and the anxiety actually) that you're struggling with at the moment.

there's a whole lot of problems here, very complicated ones that you're going to need to unearth - presumably with your counsellor?

There are loads of physical reasons for anxiety so it would be worth getting a thorough check up at the Dr and getting lots of bloods checked.

Are you any contraceptive? I was on a pill that made my anxiety go through the roof.

I’m so sorry your going through this but I can really relate to you as I suffer anxiety too and have done all my life I’m 56 …I decided to do something about it as it caused real problems for me at work I over reacted to something trivial and I got reported anonymously on speak up at work my anxiety went through the roof …I went to the drs and got medication which is working wonders also have talking therapy from next week it’s a horrible condition I had so much good advice on this platform which has also helped and I hope you can get some positivity on here too ..speak to your dr also …best of luck

@itsarainyday @Chelbell2012 I could have written both your posts. I won't bore you with my story but I am a bit better than I was before, this is what helped me:

1. During my worst I'd be on the phone to a doctor absolutely sure I was having a cardiac event BUT I noticed that while I was doing this my body was almost forcing me to pace around. I found going outside in any weather and walking a big help. I now walk at least every other day and I think it staves off the worst.
2. Talk to anyone (about anything). Sometimes when I would go to walk I'd bump into someone I knew. They'd be behaving normally possibly unaware how hard I was paddling underneath to simply stop and say hello. But once they'd told me a bit of their news and I was forced (admittedly mostly from not wanting to reveal what was happening) to nod, agree and ask them more I realised it was tricking my brain a bit into thinking that things were actually normal and fine and also having another human helped me feel secure (particularly if I happened to know they are first aid trained!)
3. Find a decent counsellor. Mine didn't give me a particular secret or something to help me. But I think simply the ability to have a whole hour where it is normal and expected to talk entirely about yourself was great. There was no guilt (which is a big weight I carry) about not asking after them or taking turns like in friendship or normal conversation.
4. Give up caffeine altogether. I also don't eat chocolate, I've never been a drinker. I understand this would be difficult for some people but any type of stimulant (even sugar for me) is simply not worth it.
5. Tai chi.
6. Take action. If I'm set off by something specific I have realised that taking action to sort that thing, whilst possibly unpleasant, does really help. Even things out of my control, I look to what I could do to make life better and I do that thing.

OP - swallow your pride and ring the school or authority and find out one way or the other. Then whatever happens, make plans. Think about why you like the school and what you could potentially do to replicate it elsewhere.

Thanks @Oblomov23 . This is a really helpful list.

1. I've literally just had blood test results back. They came back normal. I don't have any other menopause symptoms.

2. DH is against doing this. His view is that DD will be okay where she is as she's bright. He also makes a valid point that we've already changed our minds once and we can't do this to DD again. Whilst I realise we could try and reverse the decision as term hasn't started, anxiety means I don't quite trust my decision making right now if that makes sense. I was SO convinced about my U-turn previously. DH has pointed out that this may be my anxiety again. I'm inclined to move on and deal with my anxiety. Then if, once my anxiety is under control, I decide she's better off moving, I see if this is an option for Y8. Usually, I'm so clear headed yet I'm doubting myself so much these days.

3. I do accept this. It's difficult as my way of processing has always been to chat things through. Even if it's just to be heard and to be told by someone else "it will be fine".

4. I'm going to assess after my next session if another therapist might suit me better.

5. This is a good idea. I will do this.

6. I do have lots of close friends in whom I can confide. Possibly a symptom of my anxiety. I started to feel like I was burdening them and I felt guilty. Some of my friends are also going through crap of their own so I didn't want to add to that. Finally, I didn't confide as I had no idea what was going on myself if that makes sense. I thought perhaps I was tired and stressed from being so busy.

I agree there's a lot to unpack. I had to miss this week's session as I was on holiday so I suspect the anxiety has built up.

@coffeeisthebest thank you. Yes, this. I feel unheard and unseen. I am so used to be the strong, resilient one who helps others. I feel like I've completely forgotten about taking care of myself. Reflecting on my decision to turn down the school we wanted, I realise it was fear. There's so much turbulence in my life at the moment (including DS subsequently being diagnosed as having ADHD and it looking highly likely that DH also has ADHD), that I now see I was trying to keep this one thing the same. So I didn't have to deal with another change.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I wish I was on contraception! Lack of intimacy has been a real issue in my relationship with DH and I'm sure has fed into my general anxiety.

Thank you @TD7 and I'm sorry you've suffered from anxiety too. I never appreciated how privileged I was until now to go through life neurotypical (having seen how ADHD has impacted DS and DH) and with good mental health. I took it for granted and realise now I should have taken more steps to protect it. I'm glad therapy and medication is working for you.

@StravaLather taking action is what landed me in this situation! I wish DH has told me to get a grip and NOT call the school to turn down the offer and beg for a place back at the old one. I thought this was me taking action. It wasn't. It was fear and obsessive negative thoughts and I was taking action to keep the status quo. I do agree that exercise, moving and talking to others helps. I do feel guilty and worry that I'm boring my friends though or burdening them. What I didn't do (as you suggested) is talk through things as if they are normal. I wish I had done this with DH (only he didn't want to listen). I find that talking about my fears out loud minimises them (they don't seem so bad) whereas not talking to anyone meant they grew so big in my mind then I started to have obsessive negative thoughts. I don't have caffeine and don't drink alcohol these days but junk food is my weakness when I'm tired and stressed. I've taken action to stop this as I realise this doesn't help. I'm really glad you've found steps to manage your anxiety.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I really appreciate the time you've all taken to reassure me and to share your advice. It makes me feel heard and less alone.

Anxiety is absolutely shite and it lies to you. I'm autistic with adhd and anxiety has been part of my life forever. Meds help me enormously. Propananol is great for when I can feel it rearing its ugly head. One tablet and 20 minutes later, I feel better.

@Mabelface I think that's what I need x

A book that helped me get to grips with anxiety is called 'anxiety panicking about panic' by Josh someone, it really helped me think about anxiety differently.

I hope you feel better soon op.

I really think you should ask to go on the waiting list for the school because it’s your DDs preference. It’s a bit strange DH being unable to reflect and amend things. It’s easy enough to tell the school you declined in a rush, lots of parents will be unsure about which is the best option and make changes

I had similar. Was everyone else’s rock then suddenly felt awful around 45 years old. Got some sertraline in the end. Lowest dose was very effective. You’ll possibly feel crap for a week or two but then rediscover your old ease and peace.

@ParisP it's because DH preference is for the school we switched back to. DD seems happy to stay and he raises a valid point that he doesn't want to mess about with DD anymore. First she was moving and got used to the idea. Then she wasn't and got used to the idea of staying. He doesn't want my anxiety to affect her and he has a point. The thing is, we had accepted this other school and then declined just before the induction day and the other school went above and beyond to accept her back. The old me would know what to do. In my current state, I don't have the confidence to ask to go back on the waitlist (what if this is my anxiety again?). The other thing is that if we get back to the first school, we'd be liable to pay a term's fees which is a lot for us.

Any thoughts that are wondering what someone else will think of you is anxiety and paranoia. So try not to base decisions on these unhelpful little worrywarts.

So true. I've realised these are gremlin thoughts.

Glad you managed to address your anxiety in the end. Very destabilising for me as I'm really not used to feeling this way.