Anxiety is destroying me

[itsarainyday]

I've always been a positive, robust and resilient person. Someone who seeks solutions, supports and encourages others, takes risks and believed in herself.

I have no idea what happened. But the last few months I've been suffering from anxiety only it was like scope creep. What started out as low level anxiety developed into a full brown anxiety attack. Only I didn't recognise the symptoms at the time and those that I spoke to didn't recognise it in me either as it's so out of character for me. I'm usually the one friends and family turn to for advice, support and strength.

Unfortunately, in the middle of this anxiety attack (which I hadn't realised at the time), I made a HUGE decision and turned down a school place that we had always wanted for DD. It's extremely hard getting a place at this well known school. It's too late to get it back. We could try but we'd make a fool of ourselves as we accepted them turned it down last minute. DH says to accept what's done is done. I cannot get over the guilt that I've made a decision that I really regret that impacts DD. She had wanted to go to this school as well with her friends. What I am really struggling with is self compassion. How to forgive myself. How to move on and accept the situation. The anxiety is crippling and eating me up. I try to talk to DH about it but he doesn't want to talk. He will walk away or shut down the convo as he says it's pointless talking as the situation is what it is and we can't change it. Not being able to talk to allay the negative thoughts makes my anxiety worse. DH is currently undergoing an ADHD assessment which might explain his communication issues.

I am speaking with a therapist. Not that helpful so far so I may need to change. My sleep is being impacted which I know makes anxiety worse. I am trying to focus on eating healthily and exercise. I am trying to find time for self care. Basic things such as having a moment alone with a cup of coffee or taking 5 mins on a skin care routine. I was close to burn out previously because of a demanding full time job and judging childcare with the dog, running the house and caring for elderly parents. Basically, looking after everybody else but nobody taking care of me. DH and I have relationship issues anyway and I feel lonely and trapped in our relationship, and a combo of all this is what I suspect led to anxiety developing.

However, I'm unable to stop ruminating and going over and over the decision I made. I fantasize about going back in time and undoing it. Or wishing I'd wake up and it was all a nightmare. I simply can't believe I was so stupid. What I struggle with is that I NOW recognise it was anxiety that led to such illogical thinking as well as lack of sleep during this period. I could not recognise it then but see it so clearly now.

I am going to make an appointment with the GP to speak about my anxiety.

Sorry to post on here. I don't have anyone else to talk to hence offloading here and hoping for some kindness, wisdom and advice. I have an appointment with my therapist but it's not until Monday.

Thinking about possibly moving her in year 8, which is not ideal because friendships will have formed in that first year, year 7, is an delaying / avoidance technique you are using. Have courage. Phone the school. Now. Ask if it's even a possibility now, for September. You could be needlessly worrying over nothing!

@Oblomov23 the issue is that DH doesn't really want to. He raises a good point that we are changing things again for DD after she's got used to the idea of staying. Also we would be liable for a term's fees which is more than we can afford. He's also got me wondering whether I'm still in the grip of anxiety and making another rash decision. On the plus side, I have seen girls join DD's school in Y3, 4, 5 and 6 and new friendships always formed quickly and girls had no issues settling in. Even in Y6. Perhaps a testament also to how welcoming the girls were in DD's cohort.

Just come back to the thread and want to comment on lots of people saying 'oh yeah its definitely the menopause/peri-menopause'. It's not definitely that. It might be that. In my case, it was that I'd always been anxious, since childhood, but a) I'd normalised it and b) I was a very high functioning anxious person who 'dealt' with it by getting shit done, at an alarming and effective pace with very good results. Then a family emergency totally knocked me off balance last year. If you'd asked me when I was 33 if I had anxiety I'd have laughed in your face. Now I'm nearly 40 and I know I've had it all my life, its severe and it has nothing to do with my changing hormones.

Just be aware that there are women out there (I know at least one other) who have been taken seemingly unawares by their anxiety because we are so good at managing it. Until we're not. Do try and take care of yourself, and be open to the fact that this could be a long standing and deep rooted thing...it's not necessarily down to hormonal changes.

OP, speaking as someone who was permanently excluded from a fee paying school because her parents ran out of money: if you made this decision because of anxiety about the fees, it was not stupid. I am constantly astonished at how many parents who are stretching themselves for year 7 and really cannot sensibly be confident that they will be able to weather the inevitable annual rises just commit to schools that their child may later have to leave. If your daughter is happy to stay, let her stay in this school which obviously really wants her and where she will be valued and fostered.

(Yes, I am still very angry with my parents about this, and yes, you are entitled to disregard it, but it is a perspective that doesn't often get heard and is worth thinking about.)

100% agree with you. We live in a highly stressed and anxious culture. Many, many of us are using highly ineffective coping strategies that fall apart when something happens in our lives that exposes the unsteady base we are standing on. I have also been highly anxious from childhood. It has had nothing to do with hormones for me.

I do accept this. It's difficult as my way of processing has always been to chat things through. Even if it's just to be heard and to be told by someone else "it will be fine

This is what every anxiety sufferer wants but it’s terrible in the long run. Reassurance is such a temporary fix and you would need more and more of it, constantly. You need to find ways of confronting your anxiety and getting on top of it yourself. And remember, there is a very fine line between ‘processing’ and overanalysing.

I speak as someone with a long term anxious DH, whose counsellor has instructed me that I am only allowed to say ‘I cannot reassure you’ when the wittering starts. I shut DH down pretty robustly when he’s going round and round the houses on his latest worry, so I can see why your husband is pulling up the draw bridge.

I also agree with this. When I was stuck in anxiety my husband used to give me until we had finished our coffees to vent and then my time was up. Only allowed for one coffee a day also! He probably saved our marriage as he refused to be immersed in my anxiety. Interestingly, I found female friends who wanted to join me in anxiety and over time they have not proved to be healthy relationships either so the whole thing has been pretty eye opening for me. I agree with making a clear distinction between processing and over analysing...not easy to do but essential!

This really resonates. Thanks for sharing this. I sound very similar to you. Throughout my life, I've been on top of things. So efficient, great at getting things done and doing it well. Also doing things for other people and supporting them. So much so that my work appraisal highlights that I'm someone you can rely on to get things done. That my friends call me "superwoman". But, under it all, I realise now how much energy it's taken to be like this. I actually had a convo with a friend yesterday who said, even when she realised I was struggling, she didn't say anything or offer support as I've always been someone who gets stuff done and copes even when others wouldn't. Sometimes I feel there's no space or permission to be vulnerable. Whilst I was asking for help, I wasn't getting it because I've always been the strong, highly functioning one. And now the cards have all fallen :(

I do agree. I don't want to be wittering on either. I think the issue in my case is that DH shuts down completely. The drawbridge isn't even down to begin with but we believe now that's partly a symptom of his ADHD and his own low level anxiety. I can start talking and he'll just get up and walk away without realising he's done it. I've taken some time off and have been sleeping and eating much better and getting fresh air. It's done wonders and I am processing things much better. I'm able to ask myself why is this causing me fear. What's the worse that can happen. What solutions can I put in place to manage the fear. I simply wasn't able to do this when anxiety took over. I look back and almost can't understand how I was so illogical. But I suppose that was me in the grip of anxiety.

Sympathise on the making decisions for older children / teens it can be so hard you are desperate to make the right call and if you get it wrong your child suffers. So relieved my older one now 17 and broadly sensible so can mostly make her own choices. I literally had a sleepless night over choices I had made about my 14 year olds summer.

I would try to get that school place back. Then even if it fails you know and can tell your dd you tried everything to make things right. I think that would stop you dwelling on it

Anxiety is caused by over thinking, you need to have faith that it will all work out well with your daughter, you are punishing yourself unnecessarily. None of this will matter further on down the line.
What l will say is that these awful symptoms are often the reason young people refuse school. They don't get the same support or recognition that adults do. I get so angry when hearing them being referred to as snowflakes when so many adults often end and up in A&E because the symptoms are so severe.
Panic End is a helpful forum, mindfulness is a good practice to get into, alongside meditation. Some very good guided meditation videos on Youtube. Hobbies, gardening, crafts, exercise, anything to break the cycle of over thinking.

Don't rule out peri-menopause. A good, modern doctor wouldn't even bother with a blood test. Your FSH test (which is meant to indicate whether menopause is likely the cause of some your symptoms like the anxiety) may well be inaccurate as FSH levels fluctuate all the time.

If you have no other symptoms it might not be peri-menopause but don't rely on that test.

HRT has saved my life. I was just like you - suddenly out of nowhere. I thought I had early onset dementia and I'm not saying that lightly. Menopause never occurred to me but I have a young, female, brilliant GP and HRT made an immediate difference...and I probably still have my job because of it!

Thank you all.

I have booked a GP appointment to rule out peri menopause. I've started therapy and I've taken a step back to slow down, breathe and have some mediation apps/podcasts they I'm going to look at.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I had no idea anxiety could be so crippling.

@HaventTheyGrown yes this has made me so much more aware. I honestly considered myself the last person to ever suffer from anxiety! I also think this younger generation have it so much harder. Not saying it was easy when I was young but I didn't have social media etc to contend with.

@TheaBrandt yes this is me! DD is my oldest so I'm hoping I will be more relaxed with her younger DS. I have much younger nieces and nephews and I see their parents worry. I'm always relieved that I've been there and done that and know that it all works out in the end!

It sounds to me like you're having obsessive, cyclical thoughts.

I had similar when I was going through a tough time (no diagnosis but definitely struggling mentally). I was obsessed I wanted to leave my relationship, which before then had been fulfilling and harmonious. In hindsight I'm so glad I did make any rash decisions.

Never make any big decisions when your mental health isn't good. It sounds like you still aren't in the right place to be moving your child's school.

Concentrate on yourself, in knowledge that your daughter will be fine. Once you're feeling more like yourself, you can revisit your choices and join the waiting list if needed.

It'll get better, I promise. CBT may help you, you need practical skills to break the cyclical thinking.

I'm another lifelong high functioning anxious person who has been in the grip of a particularly thick fog of it recently. Much sympathy to you itsarainyday - I can entirely empathise with your situation and beating yourself up for a perceived bad decision, catastrophising future outcomes from it, taking full responsibility for your daughter's future happiness onto your own shoulders etc.

I'm currently working my way through a book called The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sheryl Paul which has some useful insight on this particular thing. It seems like your anxious brain has fixed on this decision as being all or nothing, right or wrong, like a sort of 'who wants to be a millionaire' jackpot or bust question, when the reality is likely to be a lot less clear cut. It sounds like you're punishing yourself for not knowing things you can't possibly know, and desperately trying to see into the future to work out which fork in the road to take for your daughter to arrive at destination happiness - blaming yourself for picking the wrong path. I think you need to go a lot easier on yourself, and allow yourself to not know. To accept the uncertainty of life and act with the best intentions and with your daughter's wellbeing as your guide.

The book talks about developing your own kind, loving inner parent to remind you that you're doing your best, and that you're only human. As anxious people we're desperate for certainty and constantly searching for a guarantee of safety/perfection/positive outcomes, when we need to work on accepting that these don't exist. Working on self-trust is a huge part of living with anxiety and something I'm really making an effort to do. Because you've been such a great support to others it sounds like your judgement and wisdom is sound, so maybe that's something you can actively draw on to anchor yourself and get past this.

I also had terrible anxiety and couldn’t sleep during peri menopause. Setriline and HRT patches helped enormously. A quick blood test would confirm this.