Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

3 year old hysterical at nursery drop-off

33 replies

TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 10:28

My 3yo has been absolutely sobbing and clinging at nursery recently. He's always been reluctant to go in but since our holiday and going back into the routine he's been hysterical. He will weld his fingers to me and cling on so tight crying "stay with me" and I just can't leave him like that. One of the carers is quite strict and tries to prise him away physically but I feel like I want to get him calmer before I leave. He is a good verbal communicator.

He has a favourite key carer who is good at encouraging him in and making him smile but she is often not in at drop-off time. When he sees she's not there my heart sinks as I know he's going to not want to go in.

He keeps saying he just wants to play at home all day. I obviously feel so sad in my heart and am struggling to concentrate on my work.

Has anyone experienced this with their older preschooler and do you have any tips or advice?

OP posts:
colouroftherugisblue · 20/07/2023 10:40

You hanging around probably makes it worse because your child thinks they have a choice in this and I am assuming they need to go in as you have work to do. Ds2 would do this and I was a sahm, nursery staff told me get him to the door they will take him from me, sometimes kicking and yelling, tell him I will see you later turn around do not look back and leave. You waiting for him to be calmer takes too much time and negotiating and delays the inevitable.

This will be the same for school too, he needs to know this isn't really a choice unless one of you is wiling to give up work and home educate. Start as you mean to go on. No one likes to see their child hysterical, it would make us heartless. But staff have training in early years which is way more than I have. Them recommending you just leave is probably easier for him to settle once inside. I trust them, both my sons had the best time whilst at nursery. Ds2 just used to fight it every now and again.

Of course it feels awful but it hopefully a phase and he will get through it, as will you. I am trying to be kind, it may seem harsh but I am honestly trying to be kind to you.

Original poster
TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 12:42

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
KateyCuckoo · 20/07/2023 12:49

TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 12:42

Hopeful bump

Bit rude not to even acknowledge someone who has taken the time to respond.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Childcare & nursery Families
Original poster
TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 13:23

Gosh sorry @colouroftherugisblue when I posted the second time your comment wasn't showing on my app even though the time stamp was this morning. Sorry! And thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 13:25

Thanks for your perspective. I guess I'm not comfortable about physically prising him off me as it just feels wrong.

OP posts:
MrsMarieMopps · 20/07/2023 13:27

@TiredMama83 I don't want to worry you but my dd never grew out of it. She now refuses school. Can he articulate what he doesn't like, is it purely attachment based or more the environment? Noise? Or there's other children there?

MistyFrequencies · 20/07/2023 13:29

Ask them to send you a photo 5 minutes after you leave. My nursery used yo do this for my boy who cried daily going in, often had to be prised off me. I did the quick goodbye, love you, dony look back. They would send me a photo every day 5 minutes later and he was ALWAYS smiling/playing. It will reassure you.

maslinpan · 20/07/2023 13:30

It does feel awful prising little fingers from you, but a speedy handover really is the best option. As long as you are in the same room, your DS will be thinking there's a chance you are going to change your mind and take him home. Prolonging the agony is worse for everyone involved.

Abouttimemum · 20/07/2023 13:30

My DS is like this every time he moves rooms etc, he’s 4 now and it’s happened on and off since he was 1. you just need to give a quick by baby have a lovely day, kiss and cheery wave and off. The more you hang around the more he thinks he’s got something he needs to be worried about. Usually within a week or two he’s totally fine.

I’d always ring up 10 minutes after leaving and he’d be fine.

Gingerlygreen · 20/07/2023 13:35

My youngest used to be like that at the childminders, she would be begging me not to leave her, they would always text within a few minutes to say she was fine but it was still heartbreaking.

I then tried a small local nursery and she was totally different, the staff were much calmer and more caring than the childminder and dd was in turn calmer going in.

Are there any other local ones you could try? Dd's was a very small one with a 1:3 ratio so it wasn't as overwhelming as the childminders who always had a very chaotic drop off.

GardeningIdiot · 20/07/2023 13:35

I was like this as a kid and I've worked as a TA in nursery. It's a difficult one, OP, that many nurseries/schools are not very good at dealing with. As you've found, a person the child feels safe with can make a huge difference. Staff training in early years doesn't make much if any difference. Some staff are have a natural rapport and calming effect, some are pretty insensitive.

It's true that many children do calm quite quickly once they're left. A few don't. The only child I've seen who was inconsolable for a lengthy time even after his mum left turned out years later to have been living with domestic violence. Heartbreaking.

Making a little routine and perhaps a social story to help him with the transition might be helpful. So an item he takes into nursery to feel comfort from etc.

Abouttimemum · 20/07/2023 13:38

Also just to add I found it helpful to talk to him about his day, so mammy (or daddy) will drop you off, then you’ll have breakfast, play with your friends, have some lunch, playtime, then you’ll have tea and after tea Mammy (or daddy) will come back for you. So that he knew what was happening and when he could expect us to arrive back to collect him.

colouroftherugisblue · 20/07/2023 13:41

It never felt right to me either but ask yourself do you have a choice? Does he have to go to nursery? If yes then you are just delaying the inevitable. You are letting him believe that he can negotiate with you. I bet you within minutes of being in there he is calm and settled. It is easier for staff if you do a quick hand over as everyone on here is telling you. You cannot parent out of fear of upsetting them otherwise you will never be the one in authority. We cannot make our children happy all the time, no ice cream for breakfast every day, or staying up late every night. They need rules and boundaries. He is going to nursery so tell him that, take him, hand him over. I think asking the staff what he has played that day so you can talk to him about it to remind him how much fun he had. Ds would tell me he only ever played at the sand table despite there being photos of him doing a myriad of other activities.

As for taking something in with him nurseries don't encourage this in case it gets left behind or some other child sees it and wants to play with it.

GardeningIdiot · 20/07/2023 13:51

Social stories, print one off or make your own: (not suggesting your DS has ADHD, as it explains they're useful for any kids struggling with change/anxiety.)

www.additudemag.com/social-stories-back-to-school/

www.andnextcomesl.com/2018/08/free-social-stories-about-going-to-school.html

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 13:56

Prising him off you isn't good! Could you find a nice carer who is there every drop off? Some one who can just give him that special 1:1 to get him over you leaving. I had to do that with my DS. The Nursery were fab and got it - it's years ago now, but one worker made time - took his hand, gave him a job to do that he liked or played with him. It made all the difference.

GardeningIdiot · 20/07/2023 13:57

Also, acknowledge his feelings, don't try to minimise. ie yes, he is finding it hard to go in, but he has to go for a short time, then he can come home.

fb.watch/lUW7P4y-S9/

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 13:58

btw, mine's 19 now and hugely sociable and confident. Don't despair!

Original poster
TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 14:16

Thank you for these responses. I guess I need to grow a backbone but I experienced abandonment as a child and really don't want him feeling that way. I've had years of therapy about my upbringing so I am "over it" in general and I parent very consciously differently as a result, but this area is a real trigger and I loathe worrying that he is sitting in nursery all day feeling I've abandoned him.

It's hard to relate to him that people have to work without him feeling that he hates Mummy and Daddy's work.

The one carer who is great at engaging him seems to start her shift later in the day annoyingly.

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 20/07/2023 14:52

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 13:56

Prising him off you isn't good! Could you find a nice carer who is there every drop off? Some one who can just give him that special 1:1 to get him over you leaving. I had to do that with my DS. The Nursery were fab and got it - it's years ago now, but one worker made time - took his hand, gave him a job to do that he liked or played with him. It made all the difference.

Yes, we had a couple of staff at preschool who were particularly good with a child struggling to transition. It's a big jump isn't it - from the peace and quiet of home, with Mummy and no other children (I assume) to the noise and busyness of nursery as he goes in? It's a huge difference and he just needs help with those moments of transition and distraction. Our staff members would just sit and give a cuddle until they'd mentally/ emotionally moved on, and I agree about giving him a little job. Pity there's not a second staff member who he could also bond with.

I totally get it

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 14:54

I totally get where you're coming from - my son was off the scale shy, but I'm ever so glad we stuck with nursery and made that work, as it helped him massively when he started school. Could you ask for a face to face meeting with the Manager? Just gently say this isn't working at the moment and ask them for suggestions. Aim for them finding a key worker who your son likes - someone who can be there for him at every drop off. There must be someone other than the strict prise off carer. If they can welcome him with a huge smile and an activity he likes, it'll really help. A good nursery should be able to find a way through this and remember you're not asking for the earth, just a bit of extra tlc to help him through and change the pattern. Go for it!

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 14:57

Also, don't let anyone make you feel like this is down to you somehow making him clingy. Some kids are just like that and it's lovely to have a sensitive boy. I bet he'll grow into a fabulous, kind man. Treasure that. We're all different.

Original poster
TiredMama83 · 20/07/2023 16:24

Thank you. The thing is he isn't shy AT ALL!!! He's the most boisterous and outgoing child, always wanting to play with people, talk to strangers etc etc. but he just struggles with those transitions like you say. He is also at that age when sharing is difficult and says "the other children are mean to me" by which, as far as I can make out he means they don't always want to share when he steals over and takes the toy they were playing with.

OP posts:
TropicalTrama · 20/07/2023 16:34

Oh I think they all do this from time to time, especially when there’s been a change e.g. time off for holiday. In our case with DD it was always after DH had been on a business trip. I’m very much in the prise them off camp. The upset was literally only around drop and she would be fine 2 minutes later (they always sent pictures) so why prolong the upset? Be consistent, say goodbye and get out of there was worked for us.

Lint6 · 20/07/2023 17:32

He sounds great! Definitely think he needs a routine at drop off - ie knows what to expect and same adult/ key worker who he likes to greet him every time would help massively.

Brightredtulips · 20/07/2023 18:18

My son was like this at age 3. Though didn't have to prise him off me. I spoke to a mum whos son was in the class and asked if her son would like a friend. He also seemed shy and anxious. We had play dates and the boys started walking in together, with 2 happy calm mums waving . Once he went to school he asked to walk along the last stretch to school on his own, very happily. It will improve. Maybe a child minder for this age and try again before school