Anyone else actively avoid "peopley" places?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Feeling increasingly like a recluse. I seem to have stopped going to places because they all feel busy.

I turn down invites all the time - coffee, lunch, dinner, shopping, day trips, concerts, theatre.

I just don't like other people - possibly their behaviour.

Last two (extremely expensive) restaurant visits were ruined by very loud, raucous (pissed) people - only went out for quiet meal.

Last theatre visit was ruined by people talking so loudly that I was missing the dialogue on stage.

Last concert was ruined by people brushing past me (knocking my shoulder) constantly (aisle seat) all carrying two massive plastic 'pots' (holding much more than a pint) of lager to knock back as quickly as possible in order to go and get more. Then hundreds of 'tanked up' people up dancing and shouting so that I couldn't see the stage.

Last day trip to coast ruined by a dog walker allowing their dog (off lead, no recall) to jump up at grandson, knocking him over and puncturing the skin above his eye. This is the second time my grandson has been knocked over by a dog on a beach. Both times needing A&E visits.

Last trip to supermarket ruined because of me waiting patiently for people to choose an item and move away, only to be halted again by people approaching in front of me and barging me back so that I have to wait again while they have hummed and hawed, choosing what they want - deliberately being slow because they know I was waiting before them to pick something up.

Last trip to fill up my car - waiting and waiting for people to vanish forever inside the petrol station shop and eventually emerge, strolling back to their long abandoned vehicle with loads of shopping and a coffee.

Last time clothes shopping - people barging in front to scrape coat hangers up and down the rails when you are looking at something in particular. You move away to look at something else then the same person barges in, again scraping each coat hanger up and down the rails aggressively - like you are going to select a garment that they don't want you to have.

Last time I took the grandchildren swimming - too awful. Every time I move away from people, someone else brushes past - there's really no need to touch another person when passing them.

I'm avoiding most people by just not going out. Or going out really early or really late.

Can't avoid school drop off and pick ups but try to time it to spend as little time waiting as possible. I stand as far away from others as I can and then someone comes and stands in my personal space - their backpack or their arm, nudging me, pretending they don't notice.

Last time at soft play - urgh. Don't have the words to describe - apart from 'vile'.

I was a confident, social person - would strike up a conversation with anyone. But now, other people's behaviour just grates on me.

Everywhere I go is just too peopley.

Wondering whether I'm either very depressed or have the first signs of an old age deterioration?

People just give me the rage.

It has never felt 'busy' before. But I don't know 'before what'.

That is quite extreme, although I went to Norway recently in the Arctic circle and there were so few people it was lovely! It made me realise how busy everywhere is all the time.

I work in a public facing role and I’m definitely peopled out. I am happier at home these days and find we are doing less and less ‘out there’. I order everything on line, decline invitations, if eating out or visiting somewhere I go early when it’s quiet.

I just saw this that I thought was interesting. People definitely do things for themselves and care less about the people around them these days.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJVA7YYU/

@Sunandseaforme Sounds ideal! Would you be able to recommend a holiday destination?

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche Gosh what a run of bad luck! Whereabouts in the country are you?

It sounds like you have had awful bad luck or perhaps have become desensitised to the outside world, I was a little similar coming out of lockdown and it took awhile to being used to living in the big wide world with other people.

You can still enjoy peopley places but you need to time it better. DD has ASD so I'm becoming a pro.
Avoid theatre and restaurants on a Friday or Saturday night, midweek you are much less likely to get people pre drinking.

Soft play is awful but if you go early or much later when people are heading home for dinner / do the school run it'll be quieter.

Again, supermarkets early or later are almost empty and it's a much more pleasant experience.

Instead of turning down invites altogether offer an alternative you would be happy doing.

If you start to consistently turn down invitations or opportunities for days out etc, due to these concerns, is a slippery slope to debilitating agoraphobia. If you just occasionally decide you'd rather chill at home, that's no biggie, but the more often you avoid, and the more often you ruminate about it, the worse it will get.

The fact that you mention feeling agitated about people "brushing past" rings some alarm bells for me, as this is exactly the kind of thing the agoraphobic people in my life have fixated on and it's really not a fun path to go down for you or your family.

(Just to add, I really dislike busy places too)

Yes I've always tended to avoid crowds. I don't like it. Occasionally you have to go to busy places but I don't go out of my way to.

When all the beaches were packed during covid I couldn't understand why people wouldn't just go somewhere else if they got to Bournemouth/Brighton etc and they were full!

It would also be really nice if people would keep their dogs under control.

@Lavenderblume

I was trying to make the point that other people shouldn't be close enough in proximity to have to touch you when they go past when there's space enough to go round. I don't like people inside my personal space - it makes me uncomfortable.

I rather liked the 2m rule.

Interesting that you should mention agoraphobia.

My mum was agoraphobic in her early 30s.

I'm sitting with her now - she's dying. She's not expected to last the night.

Yep. People were bad before COVID but now nobody seems to know how to behave in public. And God almighty, the sheer levels of noise everywhere. I'm really hoping to get a job where I can work from home again and get everything delivered and just not have to go out. Unless I'm somewhere like Northumberland in winter. In which case that's about the population density I can take.

I am so sorry about your mum.

I'm so sorry about your mum 💐

It would be unsurprising if everything & everyone is just too much for you at this hard time.

FWIW I don't like overly peopled places & find people in general to be really rude/inconsiderate currently however I don't feel the way you do about my personal space.

@AnneElliott23

We have a static caravan in a remote part of Northumberland - our favourite retreat.

Caravan in Northumberland sounds like my kind of place tbh

So sorry about your mum. I hope she's comfortable and not in any distress. An awful time.
I'm with you. People are just bloody annoying. I'm reluctant to get on a plane anymore- usually holiday drunks being stupid on them.
Supermarkets just as you say.
People don't seem to be as courteous as they used to be in busy places. Mind you I am now elderly maybe it's that. I can swear as much as the next person but don't want to hear every Tom Dick and Harry f...ing and blinding in the chip shop!
Not sure what the answer is to be honest.

I've definitely got more intolerant of being out generally and certainly around people other than those I choose to see or expect to see e.g. other parents on the school run, or lots of people at an event I've chosen to be at. The worst is going shopping where some people behave so rudely and entitled e.g. parking on double yellows right outside the shop, or finding the one thing you wanted is out of stock. I was already getting like this pre Covid so I can't blame lockdown. I think it's due to getting older.

Yes OP I feel very much the same. Pre Covid was out and about all the time but now not so much. I was ill with long Covid for nearly a year and did very little apart from seeing a couple of close friends and visits to our also fairly isolated caravan in the Dales. I just cant be bothered anymore. Saying that I do a very people heavy job
(crit care nurse) now I’m almost recovered.

I'm sorry about your mother. That is hard. I imagine it is having an effect on your ability to tolerate poor behaviour.

That said, one of the best posters I ever read was in an elementary school where I was volunteering. It said something like "please remember that you are in a communal space and you affect the people around you even when you are not doing anything to them. Be aware of how your presence might impinge on others" (obvs they said it much better than that). It really struck me how people can be oblivious to how they are impacting those around them.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

Im very sorry to hear about your Mum, I hope she's comfortable & calm xx

Sorry about your mum. I’ve just lost my Dad and that is when I escaped to Norway. Perhaps there’s something in that needing some space and quiet to grieve. 💐

I sympathise with so much of what you’re saying, and I’m sorry to hear about your mum.

What jumped out of your post for me is that several times you’ve attributed bad intentions to people who in all likelihood aren’t actually aware of you of thinking of anything beside themselves.

eg people being deliberately slow/ pretending not to notice nudging you/ aggressively scraping hangers to prevent you taking an item.

That pattern of thinking is what suggests to me that you may be developing anxiety, or a problem that goes beyond normal levels of irritation into something a little bit more concerning and it might be worth discussing that with a gp or a good counsellor.

Which isn’t to disagree that people are irritating in the extreme. It’s unlikely to be as personal as your perceptions right now.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time

Yep… I was at dd school fete the other day and couldn’t wait to leave…
pits funny because I’ve always been fine around crowds etc, since DS was diagnosed with asd 7 years ago and we avoid crowds etc, I now get edgy in crowded places.

I'm the same as you OP. I prefer to stay at or close to home these days. I think lockdown made us more aware of how calm life can be and how we were all rushing around before.

Now people on electric scooters and bikes shoot past when I'm walking on the pavements, with no warning or sound beforehand.

I do not like places where there are lots of people, or traffic. I avoid big gatherings like events and crowds. When I go for walks it's as far away from roads as I can get, I drive in quiet times if I can, the roads are so busy, jammed and many idiots pushing their way through, no signals, just speed and a total unawareness or disdain of other road users. And a finger up at you if you don't like it.

I've also had meals ruined by surly staff, or other rude or noisy diners and quite often poor quality and over priced food nowadays. It's far more pleasant to eat in peace at home, with everything properly cooked.

Even dogs don't seem so well behaved but can't blame them, it's the owners laziness in doing little training. I've had dogs [walking on leads] jump up at me when merely walking past them in the street.

The language and loudness of [gangs of] kids leaving school and hanging around shops can be intimidating and the odd vile remark can make any trip to the shop unpleasant.

I could go on. And I'm older, so know the difference and have time to take note and listen and observe more than those rushing around probably.

Sorry to hear of your situation at the moment and hope your Mum is calm and comfortable. Lovely that you are with her.

Sounds like you're looking for trouble and reasons to moan.

I avoid people, I just generally don't like other people.

I can sympathise.

I struggle with noise as well which doesn’t help. Just the wrong sort of noise. Do you think there might be a bit of that with you? I only mention because that’s something you can help with, either to block out all noise, eg earplugs or ear defenders or just irritating noise eg I have these. They do help slightly.

https://amzn.to/3pX8VIB