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Original poster

Does anyone else have adult children who don't like coming home?

75 replies

rethmyna · 19/07/2023 18:38

How does it make you feel?
I think dd doesn't come back much because she dislikes the area we live in (deprived northern town)

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 19/07/2023 18:41

DH doesn't like going home and neither do his siblings.

However that's because his mother is annoying and despite having a lot of money has not maintained her v desirable property to the point you now can't have a shower when you visit.

Conversely he likes seeing my mum as she dotes on him and always makes him a cake.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 19/07/2023 18:42

One adult ds doesn't visit because I called him out for assaulting a sibling.
Still have guilt but priority was the small person. However things pan out when dc leave home becomes just a new journey of parental guilt....

BoohooWoohoo · 19/07/2023 18:42

How old is she?
My dd is 20 and at uni. I suspect she'd rather be in her uni city than at home where I live in the suburbs of another smaller city.

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HarvardHarvey · 19/07/2023 18:43

I’ve seen this phenomenon although it doesn’t apply to me. It’s natural to feel hurt by it. I suggest mixing up how you keep in touch and where you meet in person. Try a variety of ways and places.

Also, don’t underestimate how much some people dislike travelling when they’re dealing with other life pressures.

completelystuckonsofa · 19/07/2023 18:51

I don't like going to my parents because they smoke heavily and it is awful to be around.
There also isn't enough room for us to all watch the tv in the evening because they choose to watch it in a smaller room.

finewelshcheese · 19/07/2023 18:54

They like coming home but only for a couple of days. I can tell they're itching to get back to city life by the end of the weekend.

Homehomehomealone · 19/07/2023 18:57

I really struggle in my parent's house because it is thick with dust. So much dust, everywhere. Thick wads of it. I dont really care about how much dust someone has in their house but I am very allergic to it and it affects my actual health.

FraterculaArctica · 19/07/2023 19:06

I would love to go back to my home city, but my DF has moved in with DSM (remarried when I was well into adulthood) and it's very much her house and she rules the roost - I'm not welcome

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/07/2023 19:10

Can't get rid of mine, dd came back from uni 5 years ago 😆

Eloweeese · 19/07/2023 19:15

I used to hate visiting my parents house. It was uncomfortable, dirty and had strip lights that hurt my eyes

AuntieMarys · 19/07/2023 19:17

I rarely went home once I went to university. Lived 300 miles away. Never spent a Xmas at home after I was 19.

redskytwonight · 19/07/2023 19:21

It's not their "home" though, is it?
It's the place where you live. You probably need to stop thinking it as her home.

I don't visit my parents very often becuase they are controlling and I can only cope with them in infrequent doses. My parents get upset about this, and deny there is a problem. Despite all 3 of their children saying the same thing.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 19/07/2023 19:30

Honestly, I can see dc doing that soon.
He came back this summer but I’m pretty sure he’ll do his best to spend too much time at home next year. Similar reason to your dd - he has grown, changed and there is little now attracting him.

i think it’s pretty normal. Their tastes and interests change. And once you’ve tasted something different, you can’t forget it!

What I’d have more issue with is him AVOIDING coming back home - so no Christmas, time with us etc….

ohtowinthelottery · 19/07/2023 19:30

@vodkaredbullgirl Same here but only 2 years so far although with rising interest rates I can't see it changing any time soon!

AutumnalPumpkin · 19/07/2023 19:33

I am the child that doesn't go home. In fact I cut contact. But before doing so, I didn't like going back there (I moved out at 17, now 22) because the family dynamic back there was incredibly weird, it was unclean, unkempt and just not a nice environment. I only really went back to see my siblings.
My fiancé does not like going back to his parents, as they're just generally not nice people, again.. house unclean, not a nice environment for our daughter. The list goes on.

gogomoto · 19/07/2023 19:33

@vodkaredbullgirl

You aren't alone

Hellocatshome · 19/07/2023 19:35

From the other side I am.an adult child who doesn't like to visit my parents. They argue with each other all the time and when they are not arguing with each other they are talking to me about what they want at their funerals and where all the important paperwork is for when they die. They are late 60s and plenty of life left in them but they seem to have given up. They are very grumpy and morose and it isn't pleasant to be around them.

GreyCarpet · 19/07/2023 19:36

My son lives 3 miles away. He came home for 10 days over Christmas and has been to stay for a few days to pet sit when we went away. He knows he's welcome anytime but it's not his home anymore. We got put together and he visits but he doesn't 'come home'.

My daughter is applying to a university 200 miles away. Nearly all students on the course she wants to do find employment before they finish the course. So she won't be back home often at all if it all pans out how she wants!

It's not because they don't want to - I have a great relationship with both of them. But because they are forging out their own lives that I'm no longer the centre of. As it should be.

Fantina · 19/07/2023 19:44

We don’t stay at my in-laws because DH is lazy and CBA to travel there (4 hours away) so I’m not pushing the issue. Their large home is also dirty and we can’t afford hotels so that also makes it easier to stay away.

My parents live an hour away and visit us to see the DC. We go there around four times a year for a barbecue or Sunday lunch or similar. Their house is lovely and clean and mum is a good cook but she’s uptight so we never stay over or go for more than a meal and a few hours either side.

LaMaG · 19/07/2023 19:50

When I was young I came home a lot, partly to see family partly to meet friends who stayed local. But only 1 or 2 nights at a time cos my parents switched back into teenage mode. What time do you call this young lady etc. Waiting up for me, asking who I was talking to on the phone, telling me when it was time for bed etc, commenting on my posture, my clothing etc. My friends who lived at home learned to have adult relationships with their parents, my parents could not do this and it really made things pointlessly difficult for us.

ivfbabymomma1 · 19/07/2023 19:53

I'm also the adult child who doesn't like
To go home much. They argue in their home, it holds bad memories and they also seem stressed. They come to mine quite a bit and the vibe is totally different thankfully

Fantina · 19/07/2023 19:54

It also depends how many of their friends are still there. Christmas Eve night out in my hometown during uni/in my early twenties used to be brilliant as everyone who moved away came back and went out. But as we all settled into our grown up lives it stopped.

nasanas · 19/07/2023 19:55

It's not their "home" though, is it?
It's the place where you live. You probably need to stop thinking it as her home

This. My eldest doesn't like coming to my house because there is nothing there for her. Her stuff is all at her own house. She comes once a week and we go out but she doesn't like to be 'spare' in the house. I also visit her every week or so and same we go out.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 19/07/2023 19:59

My mum is the kind of person who always wants you to stay an extra day than you plan. So if you say 'I can come Monday to Friday' there is always 'oh can't you take an extra day off/stay an extra day'. Then there would be comments about it being a 'flying visit' but the thing is other than chatting to catch up and a meal at home we didn't do anything else. It's fine now I'm in my 30s with kids and just want to chill but when I was in my 20s it really wasn't what I wanted to be using my precious annual leave or weekends for.

Also, they never wanted to visit me until I had kids, I've lived in 3 houses that they never saw because they never wanted to visit. It's exhausting to be the one doing all the travelling.

stayclosetoyourself · 19/07/2023 20:04

No they come back a lot in fact I have had to say they must tell me when they are coming ( older two) as it can be too much when working. Youngest is here a lot but gets a good mix between London and here so best if both really. I'll probably be gutted when his Uni holidays are much shorter

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