Does anyone else have adult children who don't like coming home?

[rethmyna]

How does it make you feel?
I think dd doesn't come back much because she dislikes the area we live in (deprived northern town)

Oh they definitely still think of it as home

Errr yes, my DS (22) is still at home after finishing Uni ... sitting opposite me at the dinner table and no obvious plans to move out .

I’m the child who doesn’t like visiting parents. I don’t think of their place as my home. I once said something like „once I’m back home I have to XYZ” and my dad was so resentful, because „this is your home”. Sure and place I live with my husband is just property and I’m not allowed to consider it my home?😵‍💫 I feel bit stressed while I visit them, because my mum is such a martyr, she’s always in bad mood and takes it out on us or dad. Plus they watch tv all the time, so we’re
unable to have a conversation. Very boring, I always count days down until the end of stay.

Well if you are married you definitely wouldn't think of childhood home as home !
Interesting to hear other points of view.
I feel quite overwhelmed sometimes as my children come home constantly and have a very unsupportive H ( see thread) and a busy job! My youngest is v helpful so that's good though. Must guard against being grumpy and boring haha

Are they unsettled?

I don't visit, because... so many reasons. Filthy, hoarder house, mother with narcissistic tendencies, always wants me to do something for her (she is capable but likes the drama of being 'elderly' and needing support) and she just broadcasts at us. No interest in others, just wants an audience for her grievances. No thanks.

Why would you not clean it for them or at least help them clean it?

I didn’t go back to my childhood home much after I left uni. I like my parents. Their home is completely habitable ( unlike pp so just clarifying that). I moved to London. Worked all week. Partied all weekend and was also studying for professional exams so really busy. I had just moved on. Most of my friends from home had also moved away. I probably saw my parents 4 x a yearish. Usually went home for Christmas.

Interesting that the majority of replies are from adults who don't like going home rather than the parents. Very sad how many people seem to despise their parents.

One of mine lives half an hour away and comes for a meal about once a week or sometimes we meet somewhere half way for a meal out.
The other is 90 minutes away and comes for a weekend about every 6 weeks.
We also have the occasional family weekend away.
I love their company and I think they like ours, but think a couple of nights is enough for them and us. We like our space and they lead busy lives.

Youngest has returned to live at home several times for periods of a few months. We made it work and would happily do it again but we have plenty of space which helps.

1. Do you invite them?
2. Do you visit them?

@Lilacshade I agree. It is sad. Wonder how Mumsnet will look in twenty years.

For me, moved away, travelled, but remained with childhood sweetheart. Married young, now at "home" permanently due to multiple late children.

Do I see parents? Yes daily.

Would I go "home". No. That's not my home now, not been for nearly 25 years.

My DD’s at uni and would chose not to come home if she could (she’s now home as it’s summer break and she can’t afford to stay). We live rurally and she prefers the city, mainly because it’s totally new to her and everything is there.

I’ve never been able to put my finger on it. My childhood home isn’t my home anymore. I’ve got my own home. I doubt my mum would enjoy staying here for a prolonged length of time either. It’s cutting the apron strings. We still talk often and do catch up but we have our own lives now. I’m lucky that my mum has made her own life that doesn’t revolve around me.
I think that’s pretty normal.

I dislike going to my parents' house because my mum is desperate. I'm sorry to put it like that, but she doesn't really have a life, and therefore visits follow a specific pattern: she fawns, feeds, gossips about family, then ends up emotionally unloading on me, or trying to tell me what to do - about random stuff but also large life decisions like DC. I am on guard the entire time. I cannot relax.

I'm not saying that you're like that, but usually adults who don't get on with their parents have a reason 🤷‍♀️

My daughter is 17 and the apron strings are nearly cut. She’s with her boyfriend most of the time.
I can’t abide people putting pressure on me and boring me so I will not do the same to her. As much as I love her and enjoy her company, I’m going to leave how much contact we have in the future entirely in her hands.

What a strange question! Why on earth would she clean someone else's house?

DH doesn’t go home because his dad is a hoarder - there is literally no space to sit down. Instead we have his parents to stay with us twice a year.

my parents divorced and so my family home is no more - my mum’s house doesn’t feel like ‘home’

i hope when my DCs have flown the nest that they want to come home sometimes, for a roast lunch, a chill out etc

I'm the adult DC. I love visiting my home city, but haven't been to my parents house in years (I meet them out). Their ideas of clean and habitable don't align with mine, but they're only in their 50s/60s and in decent health so I'm not about to go do it for them. My Mum's been the same since I was a kid and she was in her 20s, she won't be changing anytime soon.

Are they unsettled?
Sorry nasanas not sure what you mean? Youngest is at Uni but older two live in rented accommodation but they still seem to see our house as their own house too. It's quite sweet but sometimes drives me a bit crazy

I understand the uni student still classing your place as her home as her digs are temporary but for adult DC who have their own home I would expect them to class that as their home. Sure your house is a safe and familiar place where they are always welcome, but they do have their own homes.

Yes but they aren't married and are renting one in a house state so yes and no , also grew up here so treat it like home ( pluses and minuses haha)

OMG, I could have written this exact post!!!

Can’t say that was ever the case here.

@redskytwonight , dds are long grown up and have their own homes, but our house will always be home to them too - their ‘other’ home, where they will always be welcome.

I totally get this. My parents always made comments about flying visits too, but when I did go it'd be like a timewarp back to being a teenager with us all having to sit in silence while they watched their favourite programmes on TV. I also don't like the expectation that the people who still work for a living and who have DC to look after and comparatively busy lives are the ones who are expected to travel miles into banjo country to visit the retired grandparents who have nothing to do with their time.

Daily? See I find that really odd tbh. Everyone's different and always have been, doubt mnet would be any different in 20 years time from that POV