Does anyone have kids who don’t do much in the school holidays?

[Justaworrier]

Just looking for a little reassurance really as my DD breaks up from school on Friday. She is 14 and does have friends in school but doesn’t see them outside of school which makes me dread the long summer holidays. I know she’ll spend her time in her room.

She does play online games with friends and she has a good friend from primary who comes over for the odd sleepover.

When she first started secondary I suggested many after school clubs all of which she refused. She tried guides and hated it. Her best friend is in the school swimming club but DD refuses to join even though I’ve said it would be something to do in the holidays. I suggested a stage school which runs in the holidays aimed at shy children but DD refused. I know I can’t make her join clubs but feel so helpless.

I almost dread the 6 weeks of her doing very little although friends tell me this may change as she gets older.

It doesn’t help that my other DD who is 16 will be meeting up with friends most days and is really social. On the last day of school she has arranged to meet up with her friends in the park but my younger DD will just come home.

Everything on social media seems to imply that all 14 year olds are always out and my work colleagues seem to have very social kids too. I have some time off from work but was hoping by now I wouldn’t be responsible for trying to entertain a 14 year old.

Can anyone relate? I was hoping this year may be different as it was the same last year but nothings changed!

People are different.
I’m outgoing as are 2 of my sisters, the other 2 are very quiet, they are actually shy and a bit socially anxious. If online interaction had been available when we were young they would have been very happy about that.

But so much socialising is done online by younger people, it’s an issue if they can’t communicate effectively face to face.

My DD 14 is exactly the same and I agree with comments about being an Introvert. She will be happy and productive in her own way, writing and reading. I'll get her to come for a walk most days and do a few days out with the family but she's not really interested in meeting up with friends. She has friends at school and has been invited to parties in the past but she doesn't want to go, and hearing about what happens at some parties with drinking and vaping I can't say I mind that much.

Her and her sister (DD 12) fortunately get on really well and will spend a lot of time together. So I'm not worried. Just let them chill.

I am an introvert and I do get that bit - your DD sounds fine and productive in her own way, as you say. But there's a big difference between what your DD is doing and what the OP is saying hers does - online gaming all day long.

DS12 is very introverted (diagnosed autistic). He doesn't really have any friends to meet with locally and only does online gaming with one friend who's in a different county.
He needs a lot of quiet solo time to recharge, but it does need to balance with some time getting out and physically doing. His physical needs for good health are the same as any other human. He is allowed generous screen time, but he also needs time off it in the real world for his well-being.

We'll go off to the Warhammer shop at the start of the holiday to top-up his supplies and give him a project to work on. He does like some other physical play too which is good.

I do not cope with being pent up in the house though. I need changes of scenery. It's getting easier now I can leave him for a couple of hours and escape. I've always put DS10 in for some scattered days of sports to switch the dynamic and top-up his social balance as he needs more than DS. His friends aren't the most local or avaliable.

My 14 almost 15 girl similar , loves her own space and company ,has friends and is confident - enough i think for her age, she also spends lots of time in her room .
I think its something we can't relate to much as we didn't grow up with social media and mobile phones , it seems they can have a social life and have fun and company without leaving the comfort of their beds 😊
She will meet up with friends a few times over the holiday but the majority of her time will be spent at home or with me and the family.
I know she is fed up and tired with school so i'm hoping this holiday will charge her batteries .

Yep my two are the same. 15 year old dd goes out occasionally with friends over the holidays, my ds 14 has friends at school and online but doesn't go out with them.
I try to do things with them, park, cinema, shopping just walking. It works most of the time.
I do think lockdown has had a massive effect on kids of this age 😞.

My DD almost 15 is the same. I started making her help me round the house more, coming with me on dog walks, errands etc (I'm on holiday too). I thought she'd hate this so much it would force her to socialise! But actually she hasn't really complained and it's been nice seeing more of her!

Last year my then 14yo hung around the house, lay in bed unless trailed up to go out, shouted at his friends online gaming and generally cluttered up the place. This year, at 15, he still lies in bed until late morning/early afternoon, but he goes out with friends and will do anything not to be in the house. They don't do much, just hang about, get the bus into town or go for occasional very long walks. Apparently walking miles with your friends doesn't tire you out in the same way as walking a few yards with your family🤣🤣 All I'm saying is, things change. I might secretly prefer him to be playing a sport or doing a hobby or whatever, but it's good to see him taking control of what he wants to do. If he starts hanging around at home again, that's ok too, as long as he isn't unhappy.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s a lockdown thing.

People have been talking about this for years. My ds was the same as a teen 7/8/9 years ago. It’s something that I’ve always known parents to worry over this, it was a massive topic among other parents I knew when my eldest was a teenager.

It’s easier now to communicate on line. I used to try and get my ds to have his friends over but then they couldn’t play the online game together if they were in the same room, without lugging around equipment and setting up servers, so I got it.

Teenagers need their own space. They do retreat to their rooms for years. It’s a normal part of development and detaching from parents.

They need the down time too. School is full on, surrounded by people all day. Who wouldn’t want a few weeks of peace just to please themselves and chill out? I wish I had that luxury now!

The more I read about teens, the more I realize my childhood was odd. I grew up on a farm in the 90s, and we were working whenever we were home. Up at sunrise and working as family both outside and inside. Seven days a week. Fell asleep exhausted every evening.

We did have days out and I did meet up with friends as well, but mostly what I remember is work - helping Dad milk cows, make hay, make dinner etc. The idea of spending all day in my room would have seemed ridiculous (and definitely now allowed).

Not sure what the point of this was as I'm sure your DD will turn out fine, as did I!

I think physically exhausting work on a farm in the fresh air is very good for teens' mental health. My teen spends her life at the livery yard and cones home absolutely shattered. Doesn't give her time to overthink anything. Plus, she's outside almost all day.

comes home*

It's very reassuring, and important to spread the word, to see that some teens just want to relax at home in the summer holidays. It's ok! My kids are both popular at school but don't see their friends outside of school. I kind of wish they would socialise more, but I know that they will both be relieved to get away from the screaming and chaos of other kids for six whole weeks. I'll take days off here and there but don't have much annual leave left, so they will mostly just entertain themselves. They both prefer going out to places like the beach or the park on an evening when it's less busy anyway, so we'll have plenty of time for that.
There are all kinds of kids clubs and sport activities they could do, but they don't want to. We are very active anyway, they're not going to be sitting around the whole time, and they prefer doing things with me which is fine. We'll do bike rides and sunrises and climb a few hills. When I was a kid I did nothing! Lie ins every morning, Why Don't You, mooch around the house with my mam, and maybe get the bus to my Grandad's house. A bit of time out is fine.

My DD 14 announced yesterday that her ambition for Friday (first day of holidays) is to stay in pyjamas and for the rest of the week to stay at home. I'm happy with that. Screen time is generous but limited.