Does anyone have kids who don’t do much in the school holidays?

[Justaworrier]

Just looking for a little reassurance really as my DD breaks up from school on Friday. She is 14 and does have friends in school but doesn’t see them outside of school which makes me dread the long summer holidays. I know she’ll spend her time in her room.

She does play online games with friends and she has a good friend from primary who comes over for the odd sleepover.

When she first started secondary I suggested many after school clubs all of which she refused. She tried guides and hated it. Her best friend is in the school swimming club but DD refuses to join even though I’ve said it would be something to do in the holidays. I suggested a stage school which runs in the holidays aimed at shy children but DD refused. I know I can’t make her join clubs but feel so helpless.

I almost dread the 6 weeks of her doing very little although friends tell me this may change as she gets older.

It doesn’t help that my other DD who is 16 will be meeting up with friends most days and is really social. On the last day of school she has arranged to meet up with her friends in the park but my younger DD will just come home.

Everything on social media seems to imply that all 14 year olds are always out and my work colleagues seem to have very social kids too. I have some time off from work but was hoping by now I wouldn’t be responsible for trying to entertain a 14 year old.

Can anyone relate? I was hoping this year may be different as it was the same last year but nothings changed!

My DD was always out with her friends at that age, she walked/cycled miles and had a great time. DS is 16 and would love to meet up and socialise more with his friends but most of them prefer chatting online. I think this is a knock on effect since covid and has affected this age group hugely. I don’t think this is a positive and would much prefer my teen to be out and about even though it’s more worrying for me as a parent.

"Chore of the day" 😅 fucking hell. Surely they'll just do the jobs they normally do.

Imagine being 14 and your mum banging out a list of 42 "chore of the days" to be done over the 6 weeks holiday 🤣.

Let her relax, maybe arrange some days out on your time off

No, not for my DC. Eldest (16) is working at times and otherwise is meeting friends, going on walks, coffee, and going to gigs in the evening.

14 yo is a mixture but will spend full days out with pals playing sports, other days might be more at home but will always head out at some point.

Nearly 12 yo needs a bit more organisation but does some camps still & will head with his older brother.

I'd be very unhappy if they were all indoors, gaming. They can have organised meet-ups with friends, or just head out themselves / with each other but they need to be out. The odd day they've stayed fully at home they are like zombies & it doesn't suit them.

Even if they are happy being at home, I would still encourage some daily activity that gets them out of the house.

There's nothing wrong with this!

My 3 know there are jobs that have to be done every day. I don't really need to spell it out for them but they have to do them.

While I don't call it 'chore of the day' I don't see any issue with it.

They have a full day to relax - expecting them to help for part of it sounds reasonable to me.

I'm an introvert but I would still worry about a teen spending the whole summer holidays in their room. It wouldn't bother me so much that they weren't socialising as if they weren't doing anything constructive with their time at all.

If an adult told you that they spent six weeks solidly in their room playing computer games, I think you would assume they had depression.

I think getting some regular exercise is important for mental and physical health and I also agree that some chores, more than they would usually do in terms time since they have more time would make sense. I would look at something like asking them to research a recipe and then cook for the family. Or doing some gardening, that sort of thing.

I tried to be out of the house as much as possible but thats mainly because home was boring and my parents unpleasant. So don’t take it badly if she likes it at home it’s nice that she’s happy there. I think kids often just socialise in a different way these days. I wouldn’t be keen on gaming through the holidays but at least they are talking to people.

I actually agree with the chore/exercise a day. It provides some structure and I think it’s good for mental health to aim to do something most days. I’m shit with exercise (small child) but I always feel better for it when I get some in. OP you could try doing one joint thing like a yoga video or something.

If I had this issue I would maybe try to come up with a list of things that she could do for each day e.g.

something relaxing - phone, gaming, TV, Movie

something social - letter to family, face time, see friends, board game

something out of the house - friends, bike ride, walk, trip to town, library, Pokemon Go, Geocache

something creative or productive - crochet, craft project, writing, chores, baking, cooking

big things (maybe 3 or 4 over the break) - camp out, go to the beach, city shopping trip, theme park, zoo (perhaps at her age encouraging her to go alone with a friend - might be an excuse to see a friend, you could offer to it for travel for them both or take them both if you can afford it!)

Summer holidays don’t have to be go go go - but I wouldn’t spend my summer on my phone and I wouldn’t want my kids to either.

Oh and I would encourage reading every day but that’s non negotiable in our house and we might be in the minority! A trip to the book shop is always a win - I know it’s pricey but there’s something about a brand new book bought especially for you that’s special!

DS(16) spends his time online, chatting and gaming with his geek squad mates online

He walks the dog twice a day for fresh air and exercise

I have one that just lounges around, the other more social. It's a personality thing, don't worry about it OP. You never get two the same.

Like a PP, my less sociable one walks the dog twice daily as part of his chores in the family home. So gets out for fresh air and sometimes I accompany him if there's not anything pressing to be done.

Also, I don't think anyone has considered that the friends could be doing something that the op's daughter doesn't feel comfortable with. I remember being a teenager and wanting to go shopping with friends- then someone new came along and decided to encourage shoplifting (impulse body spray!) 😬. I decided blaming my parents for not letting me out (untrue) was much more preferable than having to say no.

I also loved time at home and family time

She is just different to your older DD, your older DD sounds very outgoing and social whereas your DD14 might just be a 'gamer', a lot of them are these days. My DNi and DNe are the same (from different families) they much prefer their tech and will happily spend the 6 weeks in their rooms gaming whereas their siblings prefer being out on their bikes/park etc. I wouldn't worry OP 😊

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, nothing wrong with being an introvert. Do you go out together in the holidays?

At that age my DD used to see friends occasionally in the school holidays. By the time she was 16/17 she was making her own arrangements and seeing others a lot more. She always seemed happy enough. She'd gone past the age where she'd spend all day with me, ie wasn't fussed about day trips, but I'd usually manage to get her to do something with me 2-3 times a week - bike ride or walk and picnic (luckily to be close to countryside), playing a game, trip to town to meet up with Granny, cake or lunch out with me.

My ds does that.

He has friends in school and he does a martial arts class and a swimming class but outside of those, he'll happily play on his computer or his switch, and not see anyone.

He's happy to come on days out paddle boarding or cycling though, so I get him out in the fresh air at least once a day.

My 12 year old has barely done anything this summer (our holidays started beginning on June), she's had friends round a few times (3 time I think), and gone to town with a friend once, had one evening get together with her volleyball team but the rest of the time has mostly slept, read, listened to music, or watched TV with me. Apart from the times I've dragged her out with me, which hasn't been many.

I asked her why she doesn't want to hang out with friends more and she said she seems them every day during the school year, she does all her activities during term time and just wants to rest and relax during the holidays and not feel obliged to do anything. I figure she doesn't have many summers left when she has the freedom to do this so I'm not fighting it, just making sure she does do something occasionally.

I remember ds2 spending a lot of time in his room between 14 and 16. At 16 he seemed to get new friends and went out more then. What i didn't realise was the friends he had before 14 were going out smoking, drinking, trying weed and having sex. And thats not unusual in the slightest. Ds obviously didn't want to join in so he just kept to himself.
None of us probably realise the pressure involved in being 14 now.

If your dd or ds is happier mooching at home, let them. Its obviously where they want to be, so you've done something right.

I think it is a hangover from lockdown, a lot of teens seem to be spending less time socialising.

My 14 DC has a part time job which gives a bit of structure to the week.

I found 13/14 the worst time for friendship issues. My dd had 2 friends at that age but we did go away for 2+ weeks, she did a week of a club so there wasn’t too much time to fill.
dd did art, we went out to shops, she’d hang w younger ds a bit but yes, it felt like a long slog esp when dd was more sociable.
I think tiredness breeds tiredness as well, I don’t believe all these kids are ‘knackered’ from school for 6 weeks - maybe for first couple of days unless there are other issues going on. I still remember my own summer hols, I def spent a lot of time being bored or going in with my mum to work before I was old enough to be home alone, but we always went away for two weeks as well. I didn’t really get a proper social life until I was 15/16.

Some people (perhaps your other dd) are extroverts. They get their mental and emotional energy from being around people. Other people (perhaps the dd you are talking about) are introverts. They need alone time and space to refuel their mental and emotional batteries. School is full on exhausting for introverts. They may not be aware of it at the time as they just adapt and get on with things. When holidays come, they need that down time to recharge their mental abs emotional batteries. Being extroverted and introverted isn't really about whether you are loud or quiet, enjoy parties or not etc. it's about how you charge your batteries. An introvert can love parties and going out. But they'll need to recharge whereas extroverts need social interaction to recharge and too much time away from people causes then to slump into a low state

When I was that age, I remember a whole summer just pottering, reading and watching tv. I met up with a friend in town about twice in the while 6 weeks.

My DD is exactly the same. My DS is far more sociable and is constantly meeting up with friends from school.

just let them be themselves. DS would hate being ‘chopped up just reading’ and DD would hate constantly socialising.

Cooped up! Not chopped up!

Mine are all home bodies. They talk with friends and play games online but not massively interested in going out

I leave them to it, I'm a home body too. They deserve their time off school to just chill out and relax.

my 14yr olds dream summer would be spending the entire 6 weeks in their bedroom? Switching between the laptop and the ps4. He will leave for food, drink and the bathroom, and never see sunlight again until September.
he has a great set of friends at school, but doesn’t have any interest in meeting up with them irl (online gaming together though is acceptable)
my rule is he has to leave the house at least twice a week and partake in a family activity. That is our compromise