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Original poster

Help have I done the right thing ? Asking baby dad to contribute to costs of ultrasound

36 replies

Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 12:08

My partner and I don’t live together and have separate finances. We are very happy with our arrangement and are committed and happy. Have just found out I may be 15-22weeks pregnant!! I only skipped one period that I knew of. But I can feel movement and I am freaking out. Baby’s dad my partner is happy. V nervous as he doesn’t have any children of his own. He loves my little boy like his own.

Scan is tomorrow and it’s costing $300 out of pocket. I told him in text I said “It is costing $290 out of pocket. I was planning to pay. I don’t expect you to it’s fine but if you want to contribute that is fine also”

he asked “is that not covered by govt ?”, I said “no that’s after the govt contribution.”

he hasn’t responded - he is probably asleep (he sleeps early and gets up at 3-4am starts work 6am early which is one reason why I don’t want us to live together).

I need some opinion and moral support here.

I shouldn’t feel guilty to ask or involve and invite him to contribute. so Why do I feel guilty and like I want to make it less awkward?

I love having financial independence and yet I feel this is a joint effort making a baby so he would like to and should be involved in baby raising including in finances

he suggested we live together and he pay me the $ he pays rent instead . I said not to rush anything. There’s positive and negatives to it. and I think we are both happy as we are. I have a mortgage to pay, plus 3 other kids. I do this on my own. I’m happy to do this in order to maintain my independence. But he asked “what about me?” and then I said that he would hate living with me, I joked “you don’t even like me!” (His personality very stoic, non emotional, but beneath this I know he does care deeply about me and my other little boy and now this baby).

why do I feel bad asking him if he wants to pay $ towards ultrasound?? Ugh 😣

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 18/07/2023 12:11

I would start as you mean to go on and ask him to pay half (assuming you want him
fully involved and paying half the costs for the baby?).

mindutopia · 18/07/2023 12:18

If this is a legit clinical scan and you are using private healthcare (I assume you are as you use $ so possibly in the US?), then yes, he should ideally contribute to the medical costs of the pregnancy.

If it's one of those non-medical scans, just because you want to see the baby, then it would be a discussion I'd expect you'd have together whether that was a necessary expense.

Mintearo7 · 18/07/2023 12:18

Ask him to pay. Start as you mean to go on. To be honest, if he has suggested you live together you should give it a shot for the sake of the baby. It doesn’t mean you will lose independence. Could you start a joint baby fund account and split the finances that way?

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HoppingPavlova · 18/07/2023 12:24

Are you in the US? If in UK it shouldn’t cost anything.

Original poster
Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 12:55

Hi thanks so much ladies! I’m in Australia and it is actually an emergency medical scan as I have only just discovered the pregnancy 🤰 but it’s quite advanced

thanks for the reassurance I’ve done the right thing to ask him. I just struggled with guilt and giving. Wanting him to feel comfortable and no pressure. It’s a bad habit of mine where I put others needs above my own and I need to stop and think about what I want and need too

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 12:57

It would possibly be disastrous
we have such a harmonious set up two homes and two households and it’s really nice. I can’t explain but I don’t want a man in my space and he doesn’t want me and my kids in his space. We like our own space!

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 18/07/2023 13:00

It's completely fine to ask for half of any genuine medical expenses.

YOu are going to need to think carefully and have proper discussions about how this works when the baby comes if you don't want to live with him. How will finances work? what will be contribute? When will he see the baby and you?

If you are trying to keep him at arms length, you might find the relationship ends and then you need to co-parent with someone who resents you. if you're both happy as you are, fine, but don' the surprised if his expectations change.

Original poster
Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 13:24

I know he will want to be over more and that is good and fine but he really does also love his own space . His couch. His shed.

I love my own space my bed, and just pottering and activities

forcing cohabitation feels wrong

i think he will help with costs for baby this scan is a first start and so hard for me to ask

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 18/07/2023 13:29

Hi @Mumofgreengables don't feel guilty at all, he should contribute towards to the cost of the scan.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Xx

Original poster
Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 13:32

Thankyou x freaking out but Thankyou so so much

OP posts:
noglow · 18/07/2023 13:34

mindutopia · 18/07/2023 12:18

If this is a legit clinical scan and you are using private healthcare (I assume you are as you use $ so possibly in the US?), then yes, he should ideally contribute to the medical costs of the pregnancy.

If it's one of those non-medical scans, just because you want to see the baby, then it would be a discussion I'd expect you'd have together whether that was a necessary expense.

This. The fact he's even querying it isn't a good sign though.

thecatsthecats · 18/07/2023 13:35

Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 13:24

I know he will want to be over more and that is good and fine but he really does also love his own space . His couch. His shed.

I love my own space my bed, and just pottering and activities

forcing cohabitation feels wrong

i think he will help with costs for baby this scan is a first start and so hard for me to ask

You do need a proper conversation about this, because there's a third person incoming who may well benefit more from having two sets of hands looking after them.

A shed and a bed are hopefully lower down on the priority list than a child that needs care.

SomethingNastyInTheGenePool · 18/07/2023 13:36

You didn’t knock yourself up - of course he should pay half!

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 13:38

Will there be more medical costs?

euff · 18/07/2023 13:43

I think as above you should try and find out as far as possible the financial costs of the pregnancy and child going forward and be open with him about expectations/hopes. You should also have discussions about practicalities of raising a child across two home going forward for each of you and the children.

AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 13:45

If you are embarrassed to ask him to pay for half the scan, how are you going to ask him to pay for half of your lost wages and pension contributions during your maternity leave and half of the childcare costs when you go back to work ? That’s going to be thousands of dollars , not $150!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 14:42

AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 13:45

If you are embarrassed to ask him to pay for half the scan, how are you going to ask him to pay for half of your lost wages and pension contributions during your maternity leave and half of the childcare costs when you go back to work ? That’s going to be thousands of dollars , not $150!

I agree.
Perhaps you should get a couples counsellor to help you talk through this

Doggydarling · 18/07/2023 15:08

All costs regarding pregnancy and child should be split 50/50, its important to get this set up ASAP, you don't want him paying what he thinks is fair but not including childcare etc. Don't have him move him, he's offered to pay you the rent he's now paying for his own place but no mention of any actual financial support, he'd be better off but you wouldn't be. You mentioned that he loves your little boy but also that you have three children, does he love the other two? Do they love him? Accept him? Want him in their home full time? Slow down, you should have had to mention the cost of the scan and the fact that after you did he still queried it being covered by government would set off alarm bells for me. The non immediate answer is also cause for concern, he had time to question you regarding it but you're excusing him not confirming he'll pay half by saying he may be asleep. You are going to have four children, you need to toughen up and put yourself, your children, your comfort (your space) and your finances first. He needs to cover to reduction when your on mat leave, etc. I'm assuming by the fact that you've got three children and a mortgage that you're not extremely young so remember you are preparing for the future and ensure he realises he's responsible for 50% of every cent this child will cost. Be careful please.

JMSA · 18/07/2023 19:40

If he is going to attend the scan, then he should pay half.

Original poster
Mumofgreengables · 18/07/2023 23:10

Thanks so much this is wise

OP posts:
42wordsfordrizzle · 19/07/2023 01:42

I absutely wouldn't move him into your home with your other kids just because you're pregnant.

Only let him move in if he is committed to making a family with you and your kids, and in being a resident step-father. Even then I'd wait till after the baby comes, so you know you're not panicking about having a new baby as a single mum.

And give the baby your name - this relationship may not last, better for the baby to have your surname.

HoppingPavlova · 19/07/2023 03:25

@toomuchlaundry Will there be more medical costs

As it’s Australia, it depends on the route you want to take. You can go public and won’t cost a cent. You can go private and costs vary enormously. It’s completely personal choice. Public system will cover everything needed including scans, bloods, delivery etc but you won’t get a personal chosen ob and may never see one unless you have issues where this is deemed to be necessary. Private, you choose an ob and are managed by them personally throughout pregnancy, but you do pay accordingly. It’s a great system re choice as everyone is looked after one way or another. I’ve worked in the public system for decades but have chosen some things privately for myself/kids, other things have opted to use public system.

WilkinsonM · 19/07/2023 03:47

JMSA · 18/07/2023 19:40

If he is going to attend the scan, then he should pay half.

Even if he's not attending he should pay half! The scan is an essential medical exam to assess baby's health. Start as you mean to go on and ask him for half. Of everything.

IceCreamQueen86 · 19/07/2023 03:51

Wait, so there is a public system available to you, that covers all essential / necessary / emergency treatment, that is free and won’t cost you a cent? But you’re choosing to go private? Has in it’s purely a choice / preference? Have I got that right?

Yeah I’m not sure he should have to pay in that case to be honest.

ikno · 19/07/2023 04:03

Sorry but you trusted him enough to have sex and now raise a child with. You must be able to have conversations like this with him as you’ve taken the ultimate step already essentially. It’s not really about what random people on mumsnet would do but about a couple hearing each other out, coming to a solution, compromising, discussing finances etc. what might make sense for us, may not be appropriate for you.