Help have I done the right thing ? Asking baby dad to contribute to costs of ultrasound

[Mumofgreengables]

My partner and I don’t live together and have separate finances. We are very happy with our arrangement and are committed and happy. Have just found out I may be 15-22weeks pregnant!! I only skipped one period that I knew of. But I can feel movement and I am freaking out. Baby’s dad my partner is happy. V nervous as he doesn’t have any children of his own. He loves my little boy like his own.

Scan is tomorrow and it’s costing $300 out of pocket. I told him in text I said “It is costing $290 out of pocket. I was planning to pay. I don’t expect you to it’s fine but if you want to contribute that is fine also”

he asked “is that not covered by govt ?”, I said “no that’s after the govt contribution.”

he hasn’t responded - he is probably asleep (he sleeps early and gets up at 3-4am starts work 6am early which is one reason why I don’t want us to live together).

I need some opinion and moral support here.

I shouldn’t feel guilty to ask or involve and invite him to contribute. so Why do I feel guilty and like I want to make it less awkward?

I love having financial independence and yet I feel this is a joint effort making a baby so he would like to and should be involved in baby raising including in finances

he suggested we live together and he pay me the $ he pays rent instead . I said not to rush anything. There’s positive and negatives to it. and I think we are both happy as we are. I have a mortgage to pay, plus 3 other kids. I do this on my own. I’m happy to do this in order to maintain my independence. But he asked “what about me?” and then I said that he would hate living with me, I joked “you don’t even like me!” (His personality very stoic, non emotional, but beneath this I know he does care deeply about me and my other little boy and now this baby).

why do I feel bad asking him if he wants to pay $ towards ultrasound?? Ugh 😣

It's not a form of entertainment!

It's medical care for their shared child.

Of course he should pay half.

OP, you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about how this will work financially- not just for one scan.

Are you taking time off work? What expenses will you incur due to the baby? Who will pay for childcare? When you return to work will you be part time?

Time to be an adult and discuss what is in the best interests of your child.

Wait, so there is a public system available to you, that covers all essential / necessary / emergency treatment, that is free and won’t cost you a cent? But you’re choosing to go private? Has in it’s purely a choice / preference? Have I got that right?

That’s correct in Australia. It’s not an all or nothing though, you can choose bits and pieces of each. For instance with scans, any essential dating, morphology, any required due to healthcare provider concerns etc are all free under the public system. If you want 4D though you won’t get it and would need to have a private scan. If you wanted to know the sex and they couldn’t get a good potty shot at the second morphology scan, and they are happy with everything else they need to check, they won’t give you another one just to find this out, you would then need a private scan. Like anything in the public system, appointments and timeframes etc may not be convenient to you and you can be subject to long waits in waiting rooms because of the need to unexpectedly fit in high priority/emergency patients that were not planned on the schedule. If you don’t want your appointment on a Tuesday but prefer it on a Thursday or don’t want to risk waiting around for 2 hours in the waiting room if they need to squeeze an emergency in then the private service will avoid that. But the public system will do all the necessaries

I'd instigate a bank account for the baby things, medical costs, clothes, food, nappies etc, he should pay too

Do not let him move in at this point if you own the house -- you're in Australia (as am I) and this would become a de facto situation very quickly and give him rights over the property should you split.

I wouldn't ask him to pay anything if you are choosing to go private. How long a wait would it be for a free scan?

The system isn't that simple and it also depends where OP lives. In my state only 2 specific scans are covered and all else you pay some portion of the cost yourself unless you have a high risk pregnancy and then it's all covered because it's done through the hospital. The hospital won't do pregnancy related scans for non high risk patients. You may be able to get other scans covered with no out of pocket but that depends on the specific scan and referral. If you have a low enough income you can often access more free scans. Across the border from me my friends hospital covers them all. Bit like how NHS services are better in some areas than others. Add to that there may be too long a wait for OP to get a free scan.

The fact that he's needing to ask 'wait, I thought they were free?' suggests she hasn't explained to him why paying for this one private scan is necessary in her situation. I think his question was a fair one.

Thankyou I need views from other mums. Yes you’re randoms but right now all I have as I haven’t told a soul . I need to be able to process these things first before I talk to him and before I tell the world. I want to be very careful, confident and considered .

I value all views even if some are as you say different and wouldn’t necessarily work for my situation. It’s good to read the different opinions. Also I appreciate the advice, encouragement and coaching as it’s a deeply vulnerable time

I had a high risk pregnancy that necessitated additional scans- I paid for them all out of pocket.

I needed higher quality scans- and I work so didn't have all day to sit in an emergency room waiting for someone to hopefully squeeze me in. If you go private you can get an appointment and have your scan done by a doctor, receiving the news/reassurance in real time rather than waiting days for your results.

The public system can be patchy and often you're better off paying out of pocket rather than waiting and relying on who-knows-what services will be available to you.

If something is basic, you'll be fine Public. If your life is at risk, the public system is also great.

But for anything between those two extremes, I find it's better to go private if you can afford it.

I needed higher quality scans- and I work so didn't have all day to sit in an emergency room waiting for someone to hopefully squeeze me in

@SunRainStorm Both unfair and odd. The public system has high quality scans and you don’t sit around for them in ED. Opening hours of public u/s units are the same as private services and you have them done there not in ED.

I used the private system mainly with my kids simply, as you say, due to convenience. To try and convey that the standard of care is better though is not correct. For my baby that had issues in utero and needed expert care and scans, I had to bounce back to the public system and fetal medicine care. Equipment and expertise required just doesn’t exist in the private system. The clinicians I saw did work in the private system also (split time) but the range of equipment and standard of equipment required simply did not exist when being treated in the private system. Did waiting around for scans annoy me, yes. Did having to go on a Tuesday rather than a Thursday annoy me, yes. Did having trainee specialists sit in for learning annoy me, no but this does seem to annoy some people in teaching hospitals (no idea how they think people get the exposure/experience they need otherwise).

I know many people, including several colleagues, who have started in private and had to bounce over to public due to a higher standard of care being required be it for issues with maternal or fetal health. The irony is that you pay a fortune for care in the private system for ‘standard’ care (which covers what some people believe is personal high risk but is still pretty standard), but get higher level care if required in the public system for free. I’m not against the private system, and love that we have the dual system we have. I use it frequently and have used it for some of my kids, scans/ob care/delivery but let’s not go down the path that it’s because people require ‘better scans’ or ‘better care’ because that’s simply not true. It’s purely convenience. Also, let’s not do the ‘if the public system can fit you in’ piece. If you have a need, you will be fitted in. The issue is your definition of need and immediacy may not match and is actually a want not a need, with several decades experience with patients I know this one as a firm fact.

We'll have to agree to disagree.