Do you think you're a good parent?

[Wellthisisacanofworms]

And what is it that makes you a good parent?

Just been mulling it over after a particularly tricky weekend with my parents. Their parenting priorities were/are different to mine, and I don't want my kids to obsess over what people think of them and think that only their achievements are what make them worthwhile. It's taken me a long time to realise this. But they are lovely people and they brought me up as well as they knew how.

I think I'm a good enough mum. My two kids are very different and I sometimes wonder if what works for the eldest is necessarily best for the youngest. They are loved, happy and confident little things but they're still young and I often wonder if I'm doing something now that will mess them up in the future!

For me, the important things are:

• I listen to them and try to understand their points of view, as often as I can
• I apologise when I get it wrong
• I show them I love them in as many ways as I can think of
• I try to enforce natural consequences when they get things wrong

But I am sometimes impatient and shouty, my house is usually a mess, and while I think they're lovely, they are by no means model children.

I wish there was a prescribed parenting method which guarantees your kids turn out as happy, grounded and decent adults!

Well i tried hard amd its all done with love but i make a lot of mistakes.

With DD1 - no.

With DD2 - absolutely.

I think I’m adequate. They’re loved, fed, clean, get any medical help needed, the house is clean (but if I’m honest that’s entirely for me, I get super stressed if it’s not tidy) and we do fun things.

On the negative side, we don’t get out as much as I’d like and they’re in childcare, which makes me feel bad as my mum was a SAHM (but working 4 days to pay the mortgage is essential sadly!) and I think I’m more stressy with them than my mum was.

But we spent the weekend with a relative of DH’s who has no routine, kids do whatever and are often farmed out to other family members and their DC are happy as larry.

I think that when kids are small it’s very hard to fuck them up and all they need is love and attention. When they’re older… it’s a minefield. But mine are 1 and 3 so I can defer that for a bit 😂

My mum is a saint, my dad wasn’t great when we were kids. When I think back to what they could have done differently it would have been:

• mum should have modelled more proactive behaviour ie not putting ip with dads moods
• they could have listened to us more and parented us based on who we were rather than what they thought we needed
• we could have been more encouraged

These are all lessons im going to try and take with my own kids, but honestly, when you see how some people screw up their kids I actually think you need to really try in order to be a bad parent. There’s lots of ‘ok’ parents in the world but to be a bad one you need to really fuck up.

I am good at the things you list as priorities.

But:

1. way too much screen time
2. not nearly enough vegetables/home cooking.
3. And my 5 year old is struggling at school and I mostly just think it’ll come in time when I could/should be teaching her.

Walking home today from work and I saw a mum, her daughter (of about 9) and a 18m ish year old in a buggy sitting on their door step.
Mum was having a fag, snuggled up to the daughter, while the daughter was trying to encourage the toddler to say Shit. Mum, toddler and daughter laughing away merrily.
So it made me feel better about my parenting (in a completely judgemental way) as I was walking and feeling guilty about having been out of the house all day and not having dinner together, again.
It's clearly not good parenting but then again at least they were they were happy, laughing, smiling, spending time together and having fun... it could always be worse I guess! A lot of kids will take the positives and tbh most parents fuck up their kids whether they try not to or couldn't care less.
Most importantly I think they just need to know they're loved and accepted. Everything else is a bonus!

Yep. My son has special needs and I advocate hard for him. I have fun with him every day. I support his education. I surround him with books. I listen to him, and I learn from him. I see the best in him. I apologise to him when I get it wrong. I show him kindness.

I’m not perfect but I’m good.

I feel like I’m good enough. My children are loved unconditionally and they know that but I have boundaries on the important things.

They are delightful and very polite around other people; reserve their worst behaviour for me and DH as it should be, and we try to maintain firm but fair lines but of course lose the rag at times. But generally they are great kids and I’m happy we’re on track to raise some decent adults.

Having said that I know we’ll leave them with a smattering of “baggage”- there will be things we do that we shouldn’t have done, avenues we’ll take that will have (hopefully small) consequences. Same as my parents.

No one is perfect and most people carry the “mostly positive with a bit of individual negative” bits from their own childhoods which all shapes who we are as individuals.

But I believe that most parents who are parenting with love will do just fine, because most children grow up to be decent people when all is said and done. Not very aspirational but it gives me comfort!

Mostly yes but not always. I think DH and I are a good balance.

I think my good qualities are:
I'm high energy and so always seeking out things to do.
I talk to them and listen to them.
A healthy lifestyle is really important to me and they are well fed.
We played with them and still do

DH is far more laid back and much more gentle.

On the not so good front I'm too busy and not very good with down time.
I can be impatient and short tempered
I tend to let things go and then blow up

Positive: open and loving, provide financially quite well, always think of their needs and try to think of what might be best for them. Have high expectations for behaviour and they are generally very well behaved out of the home. I'm so proud of them.

Negative: I'm lazy and tired. Take the path of least resistance too often and rely on screens, prepared meals etc too much. Don't do enough myself with them like take them out on bikes, but rely on clubs and classes to teach them. The middle one is a challenging and sensitive character and gets away with murder as a result as I can't summon the energy to properly deal with her.

I'm sometimes short tempered and shouty. DH is absolutely wonderful in many ways but is job focused and can be lazy with the kids too.

I berate myself a lot but never manage to get my finger out 🙄

No

I'm a single mum with a ds. We've been on our own since ds was 3.

I make sure ds is happy and settled and safe. He knows I absolutely have his back.

I provide love, affection, patience, encouragement, home-cooked food, access to activities and opportunities, and all the stuff he needs for life and school in general. Help with homework when he asks for it.

But the biggest thing is I listen to him, take account of his views and wishes and hopes, something my parents never did. We get on well. 🙂

God I try to be... but sometimes when I compare myself I feel like I'm not doing as well as I could.

I'm a very kind parent - lots of love, praise & affection. But sometimes I think I need to toughen them up a bit. The real world is going to be a tough shock....

And I'm shattered. Only 3 years to go until he's an adult. 😄

I wrestle with this. I advocate for my disabled child hard. I talk to them and really try to listen to what they say, but I can get a bit shouty and fed up at times, I apologise often and forgive always. Make sure they see me and DH make up if we've had a bit of a disagreement and try to model the right behaviours. I cuddle them and tell them I love them every day and spend time doing what they like and going on adventures, we've built family hobbies and I think a solid base so when they eventually fly the nest they'll always have reasons to come back and know they have a home for life with us, but the confidence to hopefully never need it.

I hope I'm a good parent, they're good kids so we must be doing ok.

Yes because I work with on a daily basis parents who are not good parents and not meeting their kids needs.
My children have what they need and are very much loved and they know that. That’s good enough.

I try.. Have definitely made mistakes over the 21 years that I've been a mum but I know my son feels loved.
When I think back to being pregnant all those years ago I had a very clear picture of the Mary poppins mum I thought I'd be and it has been nothing like I imagined.

I think so. I absolutely have made some terrible decisions but I've always put DS's needs first. I love him, I tell him I love him every day and show affection to him (teenager now so doesn't want mum hugs like he used to). I am firm and discipline him when necessary. I encourage his interests and to do his best at school but I don't push him too hard. I always let him have a go at anything he wants to. I accept him for who he is and I don't force him to be a carbon copy of me.

I don't have any money or possessions for him to inherit and I wish I could give him a loving father who cared for him and not my waste of space ex but I can't change that.

You all sound like lovely mums!

I tend to take the view that if the important bits are there and I model generally good habits to them, the rest will in time fall into place. I try not to sweat the small stuff.

But I know that some people around me think I'm a lazy mum for that.

I'm good at playing with my kids, and we spend lots of time together. I'm quite organised and find lots of creative ways to get them to do what I need them to. Lots of praise and affection, lots of kindness and unconditional love.

I do struggle with screen time. And fussy eating, and I'm not great at doing fun days out either. And I absolutely hate reading to them. But I try, which I suppose is the main thing!

I'm dreading the teenage years, it sounds like a whole new (harder) game 😫

I hope so! And my parents gave me some very good guidance on what NOT to do...

My kids are still young yet but I'm very focused on showing them lots of love, treating all three equally and fairly with no favouritism, and giving them freedom to express their views and preferences within some basic boundaries of good behaviour etc. I think I am quite relaxed as a parent, and a reassuring/ calm/ loving presence most of the time. I enjoy talking to them, reading with them, showing them new things and experiences.

Must do better:

• Less screen time (DH would let them watch HOURS and so I always feel I'm the one saying no, and even then not enough)
• More creative activities - messy play, painting, crafting is not my thing and I mostly leave it to school 🙈
• Give them less stuff; we are pretty comfortable financially and they have so many toys. I worry I'm spoiling them.
• Coparent more effectively. I don't agree with DH shouting at them and he thinks I'm too soft. We need a joined-up approach.

But ... they're happy and healthy, and loved. And I do think that's most important of all.

I try to be but I still know that:
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you."

So however good a parent I try to be I know that I am fucking her up in some way 🤷‍♀️

I was a much better parent to dc1 than dc2. I had so much more energy - I made loads of stuff, like a WALL-E costume from a box etc, took her everywhere and anywhere.

Dc2 is extremely hard work and it's all I can do to get through the day everyone fed, no one dead kinda thing. So I wish I had more energy. I often feel like a shit parent but I was telling an older friend about it and she thought dc2 was lucky to have me as i try so hard with him which made me feel better.

I am very loving and try to be less stressy than my parents.

Yes it's the one thing I've done really well when I've been fairly crap at everything else in life. Not that I've been perfect by any stretch of the imagination! Even the dr though who diagnosed ds with ASD said that he had obviously been parented well to get to the age he had and to have coped so well that no one had picked it up before. That was down to me - and all the time and effort I put in at every stage.

Yes I think DH and I are good parents.

We are strict and have clear boundaries.

We also spend tons of time with the kids and always have. We have lots of fun times together as a family.

Both kids happy and do well in school, enjoy extra curricular activities etc.

However, I am also prone to losing my temper, so I could improve in this regard. But on the whole, yes we are good parents.

I'm sure we all have good and bad points. Mine are (as mum of toddlers):

Good:

• lots of freshly cooked food
• I feel like strategy of not pressuring them to eat is working as they go through phases of being super fussy but then come out of them and eat a reasonably wide range of foods most of the time
• I figured out milk allergy despite atypical symptoms and NO help from GP or health visitor. Their severe eczema cleared up fully.
• when I need to I do enforce things and they know I mean business and respect it e.g. sun hat and sunscreen wearing

Bad:

• not good enough at hiding my frustration or anxiety sometimes which I think can make them anxious
• they are using dummies and bottles far later than they should be, I want to stop them but I dont like to upset them and I worry about the short and long term consequences
• my relationship with their dad isn't great and I think they pick up on this.
• I'm not good at making friends so they don't get to do many play dates (but they do go to groups and nursery so not like they're starved of social contact!)

Yes but then it's very easy to be a good parent to a young toddler who can't talk back to me yet and is very easily excited and entertained.