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Original poster

Under pressure to have Children

39 replies

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:18

My partner really wants to have children and I'm not sure I do. I have never felt "The Urge" and although he does know this, he really wants to have children as he feels he is a born father, without a child. We have been together for 23 years, I am 45 and he is 44. I know the chances of conceiving at our ages are low. I have suggested fostering but he would find it too difficult as he really has the urge for his own child. We have a secure home environment and adoption takes too long and is too hard to do and the chances of getting a baby that way are so slim. I love him very much as he is my whole life. Should I try with him anyway? I would love to make him happy and he would be over the moon if I became pregnant....I'm just not sure I would be.....I worry that as I have never wanted a child that I would be unhappy forever. But then maybe I would like it? I feel confused. Thank you everybody!

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 17/07/2023 16:19

What would he do if you said no ?

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:21

I think it would break his heart.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 16:24

It seems very unfair of this man to be with you for 23 YEARS and then suddenly pop this on you when you are 45!!

I'd be wondering what the hell he was playing at if I were you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:26

It's not quite so sudden really...I have been the one dragging my heels...I have always known he wanted kids

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Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:27

It's just we never got around to it....sounds odd to say but there it is! We had no money etc. Just got a new house this year.

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Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 16:32

I think you've been unfair to him then tbh. If you always knew he wanted kids, and were unsure yourself, I'm not sure that spending 23 years with him was wise.

Also, I find it hard to believe you have had no money to prioritse this if youd really wanted it, with 25 odd years of (I presume) unencumbered work history behind you.

That might all sound harsh, but I don't mean it to.

In your shoes, if id reached 45 without kids, there is no way on this earth I'd have them. My life just wouldn't be set up for them at all.

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:32

I do feel as if this conversation is 10 years too late.

Would he be happy to be a SAHD, and given that chances of disability are higher with age, how would you both feel about that.

Comedycook · 17/07/2023 16:34

This should have been discussed a long time ago. How long have you been together? You've been quite unfair. Anyway at 45, it's not hugely likely you'd be able to have a baby. He doesn't have the biological clock ticking so I think best thing could be splitting up so he can find a partner who wants the same thing as him

Lottapianos · 17/07/2023 16:34

Oh OP, you don't sound keen at all. You really need to go into having children with your eyes wide open, both of you. It can't be based on a fantasy, or something that one of you does 'for' the other person. If you're not keen, or really not sure, then the responsible thing is not to have a child. It would be your body, your health, your independence and your life that would be mostly affected

There is no way to know for sure how you will feel about being a parent. Some people love it, some people loathe, most people seem to be somewhere in the middle. Some, like me, decided it just wasn't worth the risk of finding out

No one can tell you what to do here, but surely he must be aware that at your ages it would be a hell of a long shot.

Rosemarypots · 17/07/2023 16:34

I think you have three options if fostering or adopting isn't on the table.

say no.
agree to try naturally, but knowing that at the age of 45 sadly the likelihood of having a baby is low - perhaps about a 1-2% chance per menstrual cycle. Keep in mind that miscarriage rates are high at this age as well.
agree, and go straight to using donor eggs with your partner's sperm. This is the route most likely to lead to a baby, but it obviously costs and you have to be comfortable with this route and really want the baby, knowing that it won't be genetically related to you.

Comedycook · 17/07/2023 16:35

Sorry just reread...23 years! Yikes

Actually is this a reverse?

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:36

Well it was not 25 years of working as I only work seasonally. And we have both had long periods of unemployment, so money was always a very real issue.

But I agree that if I really wanted it to happen, I would have made it so.

I really do think this is my fault....😔

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onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 17/07/2023 16:39

At 45 I'd say that ship has sailed sorry

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:47

Yes Rosemarypots, thank you. I think they are my options. I think I am terrified to be honest, of the whole pregnancy thing and he knows that. We have talked about it, I just don't want to break his heart.

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SallyWD · 17/07/2023 16:51

At 45 you're unlikely to get pregnant naturally and if you do there's a good chance you'll miscarry. I'm sorry to be blunt but he needs to understand that.
The fact is if he really wanted kids you should have had the make or break conversation more than ten years ago. It's just a bit late now.
You don't seem to want them anyway.

JorisBonson · 17/07/2023 16:54

You can't have a child - a lifelong, life changing commitment - just to avoid upsetting him.

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:56

I even thought maybe last year, I would have been 44 and perhaps then, there would have been more of a chance?

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Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 16:59

I think the option 3 above would be the best! I would have no problem knowing the child was not mine genetically, and he would be so happy! I actually began to think, what if someone who really wanted a child came along, and we did a very modern type of arrangement...where he would have his child and that part of his life fulfilled, and the other person would also get to have their child and we all raise it together....

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Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 17:01

Thanks Lottapianos....he does know its a long shot and I think he will be unhappy forever as he has missed his chance...we always talked about it as in...one day it would be great....but he knows I have never felt the urge people seem to feel.

Is the urge that strong a thing in everyone who has it??

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Screamingabdabz · 17/07/2023 17:04

The other thing to consider is that you’ll be nearing 50 with a very young energetic child and probably very little sleep. They also have young energetic friends and you’ll be going to toddler groups, soft play, ‘family friendly’ places that are hell on wheels for those of us in our 50s who are well beyond that now…

Its not just ‘having a baby’ - it’s a completely different life.

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 17:04

SAHD? Is that a stay at home dad? If so, then yes., he would be completely content with that!

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Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 17:06

I know Sreaming! That is what I am worried about....I would have no time for things like that. He would have to do all of it! But I think he would.....

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DirectionToPerfection · 17/07/2023 17:06

It's way too late for this discussion. If having children was so important to him he should have laid his cards on the table years ago.

You don't just decide to start trying at 45 when you've been together so long.

The biggest issue here is that you don't want to do it. It's a massive commitment and much harder on a 45 yo than a 35yo. You have to think of the child's quality of life too, right through to early adulthood. I was the child of older parents and it wasn't easy, but at least I had a sister to share the load with.

Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 17:08

We live in a busy suburb in SW England, where there are lots of those places around. Even the school runs would irritate me....

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Original poster

Sclub7 · 17/07/2023 17:10

Yes I understand that. I was reading another thread today however written by a child of older parents who was very happy their parents had them late. They got to live their lives first, and were more rounded parents as a result. They now go hiking with their 80yo dad!

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