Under pressure to have Children

[Sclub7]

My partner really wants to have children and I'm not sure I do. I have never felt "The Urge" and although he does know this, he really wants to have children as he feels he is a born father, without a child. We have been together for 23 years, I am 45 and he is 44. I know the chances of conceiving at our ages are low. I have suggested fostering but he would find it too difficult as he really has the urge for his own child. We have a secure home environment and adoption takes too long and is too hard to do and the chances of getting a baby that way are so slim. I love him very much as he is my whole life. Should I try with him anyway? I would love to make him happy and he would be over the moon if I became pregnant....I'm just not sure I would be.....I worry that as I have never wanted a child that I would be unhappy forever. But then maybe I would like it? I feel confused. Thank you everybody!

On the flipside, my dad's dementia stared when I was in my late teens, my mum developed various health issues and was unable to cope with them as well as be a carer to him.

I had to look after them throughout my 20s and early 30s when I should have been focused on my own life. They both died when I was in my mid 30s. My friends still have their parents, they're mostly fit and active and have a major part in their children and grandchildren's lives.

I also never knew my grandparents.

It can work out ok for some, but you can't escape aging and it's a big gamble to take. It can be very lonely and isolating for the child.

It sounds like you don’t want kids and you should have been clear about that with him a lot sooner

This conversation is at least 10 years too late. Your chances of having a healthy baby are reasonably low now if you're 45 and you clearly don't really want one anyway, so you shouldn't. Children deserve to be wanted by both of their parents.

Others have said you've been unfair to him, perhaps in some ways you have but if being a father is so important to him then he should have left ages ago and tried with someone else. I suppose he still has that option.

If this had been a bloke saying he'd dragged his heels for over 20 years they'd have been hauled over the coals

Personally I think you need to be honest with him. If it's not something you want. And it's a life long commitment. You shouldn't bring a child into it.

He might still have a chance of starting a family. So if that's what he wants you should let him go.

Even if you got pregnant this sounds like it has disaster written all over it.
If you wanted children you would have been thinking about it well before you got to 45 years old.
You are now thinking of some kind of relationship that involves another woman bearing his children and you all bring them up together? What would stop him leaving you for the mother of his children?
It all sounds like lunacy to me.

It’s obvious that YOU don’t want them OP. Don’t do it just to keep him. Is that the main reason? Also good luck getting pregnant naturally your age. I’m sure you’ve looked at the stats. By the way older dads are more likely to have children with developmental problems, autism etc, so that needs to be taken into account. Would he be prepared for that?

Sounds like you should have said years ago that you didn't really want them and let him have the choice to leave (if he wanted to) whilst he was younger to pursue a family. So yes YABU.

Is he really completely unaware of how women's fertility works and the impact of age? You're both in the wrong. You're wrong for stringing him along for years telling him "yeah, it would be great to have a child one day" and he's in the wrong for not being proactive enough to have the serious conversation with you a decade ago. If you'd both had the serious conversation about it a decade ago, he could've found someone to have children with and you could have found someone to live a childfree life with.

You're going to have to tell him you don't want children and never have. Yes, it will break his heart. Yes, it's probably too late for him to have a child with someone else. Although he can biologically have children, women in their 30s wanting children will generally want a man around the same age. Sperm quality deteriorates with age. Even if he finds someone right now, it takes time to get to know someone properly and then of course the time taken to conceive so he'd be edging towards 50 by the time be became a dad.

Sure, he says he would be happy to be a SAHD but the reality is very different!

People say you need to be 100% sure before you have kids. I wasn't. I was never maternal, never got an 'urge', it simply came down to worrying that we would regret not doing it when we were older. So we had one.

However, I was 32. There is absolutely no way I would contemplate having one at 45.

it's a commitment beyond anything you can imagine, it's all consuming and relentless. I still miss my child free life but thankfully mine is almost 9 now and so we are through the worst (hoping that the teenage years will be kind!)

You can't have a child just to please him because no matter what promises he is making now, and I say this kindly, he's got NO idea what it's really like.

Whether people like it or not, the fact of the matter is that it is completely different for men and women.
It won’t be his body that gets damaged. Trust me, over time your body WILL be the worse for wear after giving birth no matter how great you feel in the years straight afterwards.
Is he prepared to sacrifice his career? Until the time when he will struggle to find employment given his age?
Is he prepared to do all the night feeds and get up religiously with the child?
Will he be the primary carer and the one who spends his time day in and day out listening to the same old songs, reading the same old books, repeating himself endlessly as he educated and disciplines your child?
If so then yes give it a go. If not then I would say no.
By the way there are lots of positives of having a child but, it doesn’t sound like you are willing to tolerate all the crap too, so unless your dh will do all the crap then tell him no.
Also, and I don’t want to sound harsh, I do know of women who have literally been left holding the baby. A baby their oh persuaded them to have. Sadly men can just sail off into the sunset, nobody can force them to be a good dad.

You had been really unreasonable. I feel sorry for him.

He might feel great being a SAHD but what if the child has additional needs? It may not be as easy as he thinks.
People are saying you're both unfair but I really do feel like if you both really wanted this, you would have discussed it well before now.
If you do decide to try, then I wish you all the best, but only do it if you really want to. I've had a stillbirth and two miscarriages which I will quite honestly be forever traumatised by, and it's not something I could go through for someone else if I didn't want to do it.

'Its not just ‘having a baby’ - it’s a completely different life. .

Absolutely right. And every child deserves to be wanted very much. This is really not something you just take a punt on

Tbf it’s probably quite unlikely it’ll happen now. Seems odd to wait 23 years until you’re mid 40s to come to this conclusion!

Even if you do get pregnant I personally wouldn’t in your situation! It’s exhausting and riskier the older you are and it’ll blow up your whole life. If your heart isn’t in it then it’ll make it a lot more difficult!