Would you hint this might be ASD?

[Princessrani]

My friend has a DD same age as my DD (5) and we meet regularly for playdates.

I have a strong suspicion that her DD has ASD and 'screams' for professional help but I don't think the parents realise that and treat it as 'every child is different and society puts too much pressure on kids to be in a certain way'.

For instance their DD is not in school as she hated it, as well as her nurseries, and so she goes to a childminder a couple of times a week instead. She has severe meltdowns over small things so they constantly walk on eggshells to prevent that. She has severe sensory issues with clothes (too small, too big, too itchy...labels/seams a problem), it takes them an hour to get her dressed/undressed and sometimes she goes to bed in her day clothes as it's impossible to make her get changed. Noisy soft plays are a no too, she cries in agony. And the list goes on, every time we meet she asks me if we have the same issues with DD at home and I say no!

She loves playing with DD because she is easy going but I can see now we are meeting more often and she's familiar with us, she's starting to boss her more, something that the parents have noticed themselves and apologized for.

We are slowly decreasing our playdates but I can't help thinking that this child needs professional support and the parents need some clarity on what's going on as I feel they are oblivious.

Would you make a subtle hint at this or just leave them to it as it's their own battle?!

IME parents that can't accept the possibility of ASD are not ready to discuss this. It's unlikely school hadn't raised the topic or nursery support staff. Some parents can have a child placed in an ASD education resource and still refuse to accept ASD. Denial is strong and it's frightening too as parents try to understand what it means for there child. Don't say anything you can help your friend by supporting her in dealing with individual behaviours and helping her to find ways to cope.

Interesting. I understand accepting that your child has SEN can be hard, but then I'm thinking the child would benefit from support, why would you deny that to your child?

My DD hand flaps and jumps a lot when excited, but has no other issues (loves school, makes friends easily, no meltdowns, no sensory issues), however I was so concerned about her hand flapping I've read everything I could on ASD and even took her to a pediatrician who thought it's probably just a quirk as she doesnt struggle with anything. But we are keeping an eye on it. I just don't understand why would a parent not want to get professional help.

That's very tricky OP. I think if it was me someone owes it to the child to look for help but the last poster makes a good point, they probably have already been told. I definitely wouldn't mention autism maybe ask about a specific behaviour like the sensory stuff, ask them what is working as if you need guidance for when she is with you. Then maybe enquire if they ever got help on it, even saying you know someone with a similar issue who went to OT or had to go through the GP etc just to subtly find out if they have ever taken any steps. If not you could say when might benefit from OT etc to sew the seed. If you say what you have observed it won't go down well.

I was in a similar position once, convinced my friends DS has autism as my child was so similar at that age and had been diagnosed. I decided to say it next time we met and was nearly sick with nerves but before I even got there she told me he had started speech therapy and they recommended assessment etc so I was saved!

It sounds like they already know, so there’s no point getting into a ‘thing’ about it.
I have a work colleague who knows her son has ASD, dad is diagnosed and son very much has symptoms, but she doesn’t want him labelling.
It’s nice that this child has someone to play with, and interact with, as she doesn’t get this at school, but don’t let it affect your child. I made this mistake and I regret it.

I actually didn't tell DS friends about his diagnosis either, but I may have said 'he has some issues' or 'we got professional advice suggesting X or Y'. I made sure they knew that we were dealing with things. Ds was not too bad, the ASD was quite invisible when he was with with friends at that age so I didn't want to label him.

Thank you for your advice. I see, perhaps they have their suspicions but don't want to share. The thing is, whenever we meet she shares a lot about some 'tricky' controlling behaviours that her DD displays at home and then constantly asks me if my DD is the same? Does she do this or that? Her DH is the same.

I understand that.

She’s being silly. It gets harder as they get older. My dd just crashed out of 6th form.

On the other hand, a diagnosis has opened up a top notch pyschologist, ND workshops, link worker and melatonin. All in the NHS. Waiting for EhCP

What would the 'professional help' be at the moment?
There are all sorts of influencing factors in these things but ultimately having a very long referral process and maybe a ASD diagnosis won't ever change a, single thing their child will do. If they begin to suspect ASD themselves they may be looking into it but otherwise they will be finding ways to support their child with behaviours, needs. If you don't think you can support your friends without offering unsolicited advice then take a back seat. You being proved right is irrelevant.

lots of people are completely oblivious to the signs of ASD and many parents don't want a label. Heartbreaking for their kids
as even without any help at all, just the knowledge that they're autistic can be freeing and empowering for children, especially as they go through puberty and teenage years

I have no idea what support would there be available as I have no experience. But perhaps DD could go to school and with support being put on place she could do well? Or they might be given some coping strategies?

I feel like every time we meet, they are looking for answers. She's constantly talking about her DD's behaviour.

My son is 15 and only diagnosed last month. I honestly wish someone had spoken up and said something to me if they had spotted signs. I had never been around a child On the spectrum, but I did notice things In his behaviour/personality that didn't match up with his peers and I also asked other parents if their kids did these things. I guess when they all kept saying no i was kind of hoping someone would offer me a suggestion but noone ever did. It was only when he started having difficulties in high school that someone finally mentioned some things to me relating to autism and I am so glad they did. Of course autism had crossed my mind over the years and I'd done the typical Google searches etc....but I doubted myself so much because literally not a single person said anything so I thought I was imagining things or reading in to things to much. I figured if he had autism then surely at least one person would have noticed something and told me.
If it were me I think I'd have to find a way to say something to your friend. Does she only ever comment on the behaviours existing or has she ever told you that she is struggling to manage/understand why.
For waht it's worth, it was a friend who added it all up and sat me down to tell me her thoughts. She has an autistic child herself so spotted the signs a Mile off and I'm so bloody glad she had it in her to tell me. My son now has his diagnosis and ive stopped feeling like i was going mad being the only person seeing certain things!

I agree. DD was just diagnosed last year. The 'professional help' we got was a few photocopied sheets and a link to a local charity. If she's not in school then diagnosis at this age won't make any difference at all (it has been mildly helpful in the school context as they can understand her needs better). People keep referring to 'professional help' but there's bugger all help out there.

The professional help is non existstant it's all on the parents to learn how to look after their kids. So if you don't think she is prepared to change her parenting I cant see what the benefit is really

On the other hand, a diagnosis has opened up a top notch pyschologist, ND workshops, link worker and melatonin. All in the NHS. Waiting for EhCP

Thats amazing-can I ask which LEA you are? In my area, a diagnosis gives you a piece of paper with a diagnosis and a list of websites you can look at… Melatonin can be accessed without a diagnosis here anyway.

Thank you everyone for advice. Of course I don't want to give anyone unsolicited advice. I just feel like my friend is a little overwhelmed and is looking for 'answers' that no one can provide apart from a professional.

I'd bring up the topic of books / movies I'd seen about autism. Or another family or child if you know one. To open the topic in a general way. But if she doesn't engage then don't revisit it.

One of the main things that drove us to pursue a diagnosis for DD was so that she will better understand herself as she goes through life. That to me is an enormous benefit

I feel very strongly that parents who put their heads in the sand and refuse to assess or diagnose clearly neurodivergent children are borderline neglectful. The only driver is their own internalised ableism, usually.

It’s not even about accessing support necessarily (although of course this helps). The child deserves to grow up with the understanding that they are neurodivergent. They need to understand how and why they are different, if they have any hope of living a content, fulfilling adult life on their own terms.

I don’t think you should hint at it. She is asking you time and time again, is this normal, does your dad do this. Answer honestly and in a matter of fact way. It is not unsolicited- she is asking you.
Next time, say something along the lines of: “Your dd is lovely in so many ways and my dd enjoys spending time with her. However, I don’t think x, y and z are completely normal and could be indicative of something that needs professional support, like ASD. If it is worrying you, it might be good to get a professional opinion.”

*Does your dd, not your dad ffs

Don't get involved. You are already overly involved in your head. How on earth have you gleaned all that 'information' unless you've been obsessing over the child?

If you say anything they may think it's extremely weird that you hold such an interest in their child and see it as a judgemental reflection on their daughter.

Concentrate on your own child and leave them be.

If you read my previous OPs my DD flaps her hands and jumps a lot so I suspected ASD and even took her to a pediatrician. I read as much as I could on the subject at the time. I would not have read if it wasn't for my child. I'm not that super involved with my friend's child but we do see each other a lot and she talks about her DDs behaviour ALL THE TIME.

Actually it's very very tricky until a little older to work out wether it's a form or autism or whatever especially in girls. But please if you genuinely think it isn't bad behaviour and in your head is something else try not to decrease play date. The one thing I remember as a child being left outside alone no friends yet it wasn't my fault i was different. It impacted greatly on me. Sadly despite my parents especially my mum fighting for years for a diagnosis it wasn't until I was 30 that I got it. 2 of my children now have it but luckily the specalist saw it straight away. Now I'm able to tell the parents it's not them being naughty or awkward and luckily there little friends still come around and I make absaloutely sure my own children know its not there fault but also make sure I do put my foot down when I do perceive it is just general bad behaviour. This little girl won't know why she feels different and it's a great time to explain a little to yours how we are all different and it doesn't make us bad tho. The parents will work it out eventually for some I think its probably very hard accepting a child is different that's all.

I don't live in the UK, I'm Irish and professional services are terrible here too but when you are armed with the right diagnosis you can seek the right information. This mum is concerned on some level so she is likely to find the right info once directed. Over here once you get a diagnosis you get SEN support in school which for my son involves a lot of time in a sensory room, presumes its the same there - maybe that girl couldn't deal with school due to sensory overload. Private OT would provide a 'sensory diet' designed to preempt sensory overload situations and slowly teach the child to self regulate. I learned so much when my second DS got OT, as a parent with 1 child already with ASD and being a qualified pre school teacher with some SEN training I still did not get all the info I needed until we got professional help as it was very specific and targeted. Some of that was done before assessment on the public system so we were able to have strategies in place.