Would you hint this might be ASD?

[Princessrani]

My friend has a DD same age as my DD (5) and we meet regularly for playdates.

I have a strong suspicion that her DD has ASD and 'screams' for professional help but I don't think the parents realise that and treat it as 'every child is different and society puts too much pressure on kids to be in a certain way'.

For instance their DD is not in school as she hated it, as well as her nurseries, and so she goes to a childminder a couple of times a week instead. She has severe meltdowns over small things so they constantly walk on eggshells to prevent that. She has severe sensory issues with clothes (too small, too big, too itchy...labels/seams a problem), it takes them an hour to get her dressed/undressed and sometimes she goes to bed in her day clothes as it's impossible to make her get changed. Noisy soft plays are a no too, she cries in agony. And the list goes on, every time we meet she asks me if we have the same issues with DD at home and I say no!

She loves playing with DD because she is easy going but I can see now we are meeting more often and she's familiar with us, she's starting to boss her more, something that the parents have noticed themselves and apologized for.

We are slowly decreasing our playdates but I can't help thinking that this child needs professional support and the parents need some clarity on what's going on as I feel they are oblivious.

Would you make a subtle hint at this or just leave them to it as it's their own battle?!

It’s a tough one. I knew there was something with my ds and he was under the paediatrician at 5. He masked at school so until I got a private assessment at 10 he wasn’t diagnosed. Burnt out completely at 8/9, couldn’t go to school and was unable to hold things together at all.
Because I’ve researched and my son is diagnosed people have directly asked me and I’ve given an opinion. Equally I’ve seen children who are clearly ND in some way and the parents are unaware and I’ve not said anything. However, she is directly asking you, albeit in a round about way. She’s comparing her child to yours and seeing differences in the way they behave and mannerisms. I’d probably drop it into the conversation next time she asks, or even just say you don’t know but maybe she should speak to her GP if she has concerns.

Thank you all! Different opinions as I expected, not sure what exactly I'll do next but I'm very temped to say next time she mentions her DD's sensory issues or tries to compare our DDs behaviour to seek the advice of a pediatrician. I do feel every time we meet they are all struggling.

As a teacher, I always go down the sensory route first. It's often something parents are quite open about finding something to help. In my NHS area, the Parent Sensory Training is run by the OT service and parents self refer by calling and booking a place.

OTs are then well placed to refer on after conversations with parents they establish a clinical relationship with.

The next time she asks if your child does the same why don't you just suggest she speaks to a go if she has concerns. I'd be very worried if she wasn't going to school. Surely her daughter can't just be kept off school, I'm sure it's compulsory the Sept after 5yrs. What a tough situation to be in.

*gp not go

I think she knows op. or at least suspects she obvs has noticed her dds behaviour is different than yours and is questioning things, I did the same with close friends /family when I started suspecting my son had asd I think I knew but was looking for some assurance that I was warranted in my suspicions and not expecting too much of my little man. I wouldn't out right mention autism to your friend but if she asks your opinion again, if you think a certain behavior is typical then be honest and say that you don't think it is but your not qualified to say and encourage her to seek a professional opinion if she is concerned. It is so tricky my friends daughter always displayed some behaviours that I suspected was autism but she didn't express any concern about it at all or ask my opinion so I didn't meddle she is now being assessed for asd if she had asked me what I thought I would have been honest but sometimes giving your opinion on these matters doesnt always go down well.

N rtft but that OP brought a tear to my eye remembering. I didn’t know what normal was as a new parent, so I would ask questions like “does your DC do this too?”. I think others probably suspected before I did, and teachers told me my DC was sensitive to sound and would cover their ears at school, also that they were very unusually good at maths… I didn’t take the hint.

I don’t think I would have liked it if someone suggested ASD to me. I didn’t really understand what was involved or how normal ASD children can be when all the aversive things that upset them removed from their lives.

If I had known that a lot of it is just sensory overwhelm and what a difference the right fabrics and socks and noise cancelling headphones and advance warnings (no sudden demands) would make, I would have been more open.

If I were you, I would frame it around sensory stuff.