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Original poster

I have a date with a man who became a friend while DH was dying

60 replies

RebelR · 13/07/2023 11:26

He was just a good decent friend to both of us. All through Covid he kept turning up to walk or run with me for a while then sat with DH to give me a break and DH some different company (I considered this was allowed under the helping with care rules). He didn't do that "you know where I am" thing most people do and then you never see or hear from them again.

It actually makes me well up to think someone was so kind to both of us in that awful time.

However, even at the time it was a bit weird. He wasn't a particularly close friend to either of us. We were grateful for his friendship but we hadn't been close before DH's illness. I think at the back of my mind I wondered if he had some ulterior motive. That said, the people I thought were our good friends all but disappeared and he was a godsend. He had just come out of a long relationship and way staying with his Mum, so he was bored and lonely, it probably helped him too.

Anyway nearly 3 years on we've remained friends, he's an integral part of the social life I've built for myself and now we're going on our first date.

People are going to assume this all started before DH died....aren't they?

Is it possible he actually did set out with this intention? He's been very patient if he did!

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 13/07/2023 11:30

He sounds lovely OP. He may well
have found you attractive from the beginning but his patience suggests that he is really a kind person. Just let your instinct guide you on that.
As to what others think - those that know and care about you will wish you the best ; no-one else’s opinion matters at all . Some people like to see the worst in everything. That’s on them.
Enjoy your date and don’t overthink

Highdaysandholidays1 · 13/07/2023 11:32

Don't worry what others think, it's not their life. He might have felt very purposive in helping you both at that time. I've found some unexpected people have come to the fore and some good friends disappeared a bit. Three years on is hardly fast-moving, so just enjoy the date and go with your instincts about whether this is right for you.

Seriously79 · 13/07/2023 11:33

Let people think what they want. Take this for what it is, a date with a nice man and go from there.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/07/2023 11:35

Most people know that couples meet in all sorts of ways. You don't need to worry about that. Just enjoy moving on.

blackheartsgirl · 13/07/2023 11:36

I wouldn’t worry what everyone else thinks, it’s none of their business for a start.

it’s how you feel that’s most important. You are allowed to move forward with your life.

my dh died 2 years ago, i recently snogged someone that I’ve known for years, it hasn’t led to anything but I enjoyed it!

Enjoy your date :)

WestOfWestminster · 13/07/2023 11:43

I've seen lots of threads over the years that say when someone is dying, often the people you think will be there and step up aren't, and often love and support comes from less obvious people. Perhaps this man had empathy for you both as he'd experienced loss in his life, or perhaps he was just being kind.

You deserve to be happy & enjoy dates and friendships, especially after your loss of your husband. While I think its right that you are naturally a bit cautious about his intentions please don't worry about what others think, focus on what makes you happy now. As you know, life is brief so best fill it with happiness when you can!
If this man is genuine then you'll know, as you are taking it slow and carefully. I hope it all works out well for you.

LobsterCrab · 13/07/2023 11:46

He sounds lovely OP. If you like him I wouldn't worry too much about exactly what is motivation was at the time.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/07/2023 11:52

Even if he was playing some sort of super-long game, I don't think that's anything to worry about. There's a corner of me that thinks it's quite romantic if I'm being 100% honest, that someone could be a faithful friend to you both in time of need and then wait patiently until you're ready to take things further. I think it's quite lovely (and I'm usually a hard-nosed bitch about men and their intentions).

Enjoy your date - and remember, those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

Collaborate · 13/07/2023 11:53

When my mum was in a care home (dementia unit) my dad got to know one of the wives of another resident. Her husband died a year before my mum and I know my dad was a big source of support for her.

Around 6 months after mum died my dad said that they had become "friends" - now they see each other practically every day and are clearly in a relationship, going away on holiday together. It's wonderful for both of them and we're very pleased for them both.

There is nothing to be worried or embarassed about. Grief is handled differently by different people. Do what is right for you and don't worry about what others might think. Chances are they're happy for you too, and if they're not, sod them.

LakeTiticaca · 13/07/2023 12:10

I think if he had an ulterior motive he wouldn't have waited for 3 years to make his move.
Some people might gossip but it's really none of their business.
Don't miss out on things want because of what others might say!!

Blossomtoes · 13/07/2023 12:13

We know someone who’s been happily married for over 20 years to her first husband’s best friend. He stepped up majorly when her first husband was dying from cancer and supported them both. Good men are hard to find.

Original poster
RebelR · 13/07/2023 12:21

Blossomtoes · 13/07/2023 12:13

We know someone who’s been happily married for over 20 years to her first husband’s best friend. He stepped up majorly when her first husband was dying from cancer and supported them both. Good men are hard to find.

I know a woman who's in a similar situation with the husband of her late best friend.

Most people get it but his children have disowned them 😪

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 13/07/2023 12:21

No matter how he felt about you before he has been super respectful. Enjoy the date op.

Blossomtoes · 13/07/2023 12:22

That’s awful. Our friend’s kids love their stepdad and are very grateful for the support he’s given both their parents.

napody · 13/07/2023 12:26

Azaeleasinbloom · 13/07/2023 11:30

He sounds lovely OP. He may well
have found you attractive from the beginning but his patience suggests that he is really a kind person. Just let your instinct guide you on that.
As to what others think - those that know and care about you will wish you the best ; no-one else’s opinion matters at all . Some people like to see the worst in everything. That’s on them.
Enjoy your date and don’t overthink

Love this, and all the other responses- in fact I'm pleasantly surprised to see them so unanimously sensitive and supportive. All the best OP.

Missingmyusername · 13/07/2023 12:40

“if I'm being 100% honest, that someone could be a faithful friend to you both in time of need and then wait patiently until you're ready to take things further. “

^This

Perhaps he did, perhaps he didn’t. People can’t help how they feel, but he’s been so respectful.

Life is too short to worry about what people will say. Some will think things started before/during- anything for a bloody gossip. That’s on them.

The only thing I would say is to let any children know- to avoid upset, confusion, accusations or hurt.

Enjoy your date!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/07/2023 12:46

He sounds like a kind and respectful man, a friend to you both when you most needed it
It's so true that the ones who you thought were friends drift away
After my DF died from cancer, one of mine actually crossed the road to avoid me!
You now know him well, and if things develop it's lovely
Ignore other people's views, You know the truth. They don't matter
Enjoy your date

dottiedodah · 13/07/2023 12:51

I think he sounds great! Plenty of people have this situation ,Why does it matter what people think anyway? Just go and have a great time!

mauricemossmylove · 13/07/2023 13:50

you are allowed to find happiness again OP

Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 13:58

I suppose they might think that but after 3 years I'd hope that the people worth being friends with will take it at face. value. It's not like you've taken up with him after 6 months.

I think it's incredibly common, maybe more so than you will see.

If it's working for you then don't worry too much what others think. You've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
RebelR · 13/07/2023 14:30

Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 13:58

I suppose they might think that but after 3 years I'd hope that the people worth being friends with will take it at face. value. It's not like you've taken up with him after 6 months.

I think it's incredibly common, maybe more so than you will see.

If it's working for you then don't worry too much what others think. You've done nothing wrong.

I don't think anyone would judge after 3 years but it will look like it started while he was still alive?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 14:40

No, I don't think so.

Blossomtoes · 13/07/2023 14:47

I don’t think so either. Anyway, you know it didn’t so fuck them if that’s what they think.

ASGIRC · 13/07/2023 14:55

My friends mom was dying of cancer, and at roughly the same time, her uncle was also dying of cancer. My friends dad and her aunt (mothers sister) got close and supported each other during those difficult times.

Both their spouses have passed years ago now, and they are happily in a relationship.

Who cares OP? He was a good friend at the time, and now it may be something else. Enjoy it. Im sure your late husband would be happy that youve found happiness.

Scienceadvisory · 13/07/2023 15:07

RebelR · 13/07/2023 12:21

I know a woman who's in a similar situation with the husband of her late best friend.

Most people get it but his children have disowned them 😪

Show quote history

How soon did they get together? Because if it was shortly after his wife's death then it may have looked either like he was having an affair or that he has moved on very quickly.

I really don't think that sounds like your situation at all. This guy sounds decent and caring and I wish you all the best with your date.