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I have a date with a man who became a friend while DH was dying

60 replies

RebelR · 13/07/2023 11:26

He was just a good decent friend to both of us. All through Covid he kept turning up to walk or run with me for a while then sat with DH to give me a break and DH some different company (I considered this was allowed under the helping with care rules). He didn't do that "you know where I am" thing most people do and then you never see or hear from them again.

It actually makes me well up to think someone was so kind to both of us in that awful time.

However, even at the time it was a bit weird. He wasn't a particularly close friend to either of us. We were grateful for his friendship but we hadn't been close before DH's illness. I think at the back of my mind I wondered if he had some ulterior motive. That said, the people I thought were our good friends all but disappeared and he was a godsend. He had just come out of a long relationship and way staying with his Mum, so he was bored and lonely, it probably helped him too.

Anyway nearly 3 years on we've remained friends, he's an integral part of the social life I've built for myself and now we're going on our first date.

People are going to assume this all started before DH died....aren't they?

Is it possible he actually did set out with this intention? He's been very patient if he did!

OP posts:
RebelR · 13/07/2023 15:09

Scienceadvisory · 13/07/2023 15:07

How soon did they get together? Because if it was shortly after his wife's death then it may have looked either like he was having an affair or that he has moved on very quickly.

I really don't think that sounds like your situation at all. This guy sounds decent and caring and I wish you all the best with your date.

A very similar situation in that they were close during the illness and immeadiate aftermath but claim nothing "happened" until much later. DC don't believe them.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 13/07/2023 15:12

I hope it goes well, OP! I think he may well have been drawn to you, but not in a calculated 'Let's be there to sweep her off her feet when her husband dies' way or even initially in a romantic or sexual sense, just that he sensed someone he clicked with and wanted to support and felt warmth towards at first. And I certainly wouldn't assume that it had been an affair situation - I would be glad for a friend that they were potentially embarking on a new relationship someone who had offered them so much support and comfort. You deserve happiness!

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/07/2023 15:21

Three years is playing a VERY long game OP!
Enjoy your date. Tbh showing the support he did makes him appear to be an excellent choice.

Superfood · 13/07/2023 15:33

I definitely wouldn't judge you or think you'd been having an affair while your husband was still alive.

However, i totally understand why you feel like this:

I think at the back of my mind I wondered if he had some ulterior motive.

I think i would wonder if he would have been so caring and helpful to a woman he didn't find attractive?

But you know him and none of us do, so you are the only person here who can judge him as a person in that way, and you've had a long time to get to know him - so if you feel like it's right, you should go ahead.

RebelR · 13/07/2023 15:39

Superfood · 13/07/2023 15:33

I definitely wouldn't judge you or think you'd been having an affair while your husband was still alive.

However, i totally understand why you feel like this:

I think at the back of my mind I wondered if he had some ulterior motive.

I think i would wonder if he would have been so caring and helpful to a woman he didn't find attractive?

But you know him and none of us do, so you are the only person here who can judge him as a person in that way, and you've had a long time to get to know him - so if you feel like it's right, you should go ahead.

He is generally a good bloke, the first to offer if someone needs help moving furniture or unblocking a sink for example and it's true many of those helped are youngish attractive women, but he's also good to his male friends.

I wouldn't put myself in the attractive young woman bracket though and I'm actually a little bit older than him.

He's definitely someone who wants to be liked. He has a sad story from childhood and I suspect (as an amateur psychoanalyst 😆) that he's been looking for approval ever since.

OP posts:
12RedRoses · 13/07/2023 15:41

Not the same, but during covid deleloped a friendship with someone who supported us and have become great friends. Other close friends fucked off.

i think he wouldn’t have been planning/playing the long game. Don’t worry what people think, you’ll never please everyone. Some will expect you to remain celebrate until you die and others not be happy if you weren’t going in a date straight from the wake.

it sounds like a natural progression and I hope it works out well. No one else is goi to understand the pain you went through other than someone who watched it

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/07/2023 15:57

Sorry for the loss of your dh @RebelR

I'm Sure he wouldnt have thought about this 3yrs ago and bided his time

More like that as he spent time in your company that he decided how much he likes you and you him

Enjoy your date

My dh died - some oldies on here May Remember me posting about it - was 2012 so 13yrs ago now

I met my now 2nd dh 9mths later - it happened out of nowhere and wasn't looking for love but felt right tho also scary

Tho some friends felt it was too soon but I've always said till you have walked in my shoes and been where I am , you have no right to judge

11yrs we have been together now , married to 2, should have been 4 but covid lockdowns cancelled 2 of our planned weddings plus have mini blondes who is 6 and our miracle (lots of ivf) baby

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/07/2023 17:50

I think you are seriously overestimating the capacity for most people, men especially, to play the long game in relation to something positive. (If it were a gauge or revenge,people can seem to bide their time but not for hbe positive thibgs in life! The natural human preference is for instant.

It almost inconceivable to think that he planned this. He just did a nice thing, a lot of people are sincerely generous and decent, they just aren't spoke about as much are those who aren't.

As for people who would think anything happened previous, that's their issue and their small mindedness. Your conscience is clear. To hell with them and I suspect they will be in the minority.

This could be the start of something wonderful. Embrace it and enjoy it. I'm a total romantic and absolutely delighted for you.

Superdupes · 13/07/2023 17:57

Keeping it quiet for 3 years if it had been going on before seems like an extraordinarily long time! I think you're worrying too much and if anyone did think that then they're obviously ridiculous. Have a lovely date.

RebelR · 13/07/2023 18:00

Superdupes · 13/07/2023 17:57

Keeping it quiet for 3 years if it had been going on before seems like an extraordinarily long time! I think you're worrying too much and if anyone did think that then they're obviously ridiculous. Have a lovely date.

I suspect there already have been are they/aren't they murmurings. We've spent quite a lot of time together.

OP posts:
RebelR · 15/07/2023 00:23

Wow, we had the best evening and OMG the man can kiss Blush

OP posts:
shouldwemoveintogether · 15/07/2023 00:30

Aw that's lovely OP. So pleased you had a lovely time (and a great kiss to boot!).

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2023 00:32

Wish we had a like button.

Annasgirl · 15/07/2023 00:39

So pleased for you. That was a super sweet update. Keep us posted.

FFSwhatisthis · 15/07/2023 00:48

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/07/2023 15:57

Sorry for the loss of your dh @RebelR

I'm Sure he wouldnt have thought about this 3yrs ago and bided his time

More like that as he spent time in your company that he decided how much he likes you and you him

Enjoy your date

My dh died - some oldies on here May Remember me posting about it - was 2012 so 13yrs ago now

I met my now 2nd dh 9mths later - it happened out of nowhere and wasn't looking for love but felt right tho also scary

Tho some friends felt it was too soon but I've always said till you have walked in my shoes and been where I am , you have no right to judge

11yrs we have been together now , married to 2, should have been 4 but covid lockdowns cancelled 2 of our planned weddings plus have mini blondes who is 6 and our miracle (lots of ivf) baby

@Blondeshavemorefun

i can't believe it's been 12 & 11 years respectively & that mini is now 6. I guess covid hasn't helped with how long ago things feel like they were.

i love when I see your posts, it takes me back to what MN was like in those days...and I like to see that you're happy, you DO deserve it xx

AndWordsWhen · 15/07/2023 00:54

No-one who matters is going to think it started before your DH died. My FIL started his next relationship as MIL was dying from cancer. Trust me - it was so obvious. We all knew. And your family will know you didn't do that. Enjoy your date.

Lavenderfowl · 15/07/2023 01:04

Lovely update - enjoy the sweetness of it all 💜

Sycasmores · 15/07/2023 01:23

Oh OP how positively lovely for you. Enjoy every last drop. Only the meanest of narrow eyed souls could begrudge you this happiness.

MysteryBelle · 15/07/2023 01:24

It’s nobody else’s business. And, it’s been three years and you’re just now going on a date with him? Are you not allowed to keep living? Anyone who is judging must be a little nuts, op. Ignore.

sleepwouldbenice · 15/07/2023 01:43

I came to say, in the gentlest of ways, ignore what people may think and take life a day at a time
You've been through so much
The update is special though. X

Riverlee · 15/07/2023 04:52

Three years on, I think you’ll be fine.

If you’re worried he has ulterior motives, then take it slowly. Be aware of love bombing and don’t be taken in by this. Move at your pace, not his. If it doesn’t feel right, then back off. You don’t owe him anything, despite the support he gave you.

RebelR · 15/07/2023 08:47

Aw thanks. It was a really lovely evening. We've agreed we'll take the risk and see what happens, but both concerned not to mess things up re the friendship. I'm probably living in cloud cookoo land, but ATM it feels like were both decent enough people that it will be OK however things work out.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2023 08:55

@RebelR so happy had your date and kissed him

@FFSwhatisthis thank you - tho I have fat fingers - dh died in 2011 and dead 12yrs and 11yr with new /2dh

Tike is a Weird thing. I say this all the time with how long it's been since seen /spoken to dh1 - seems forever but also not long

Candleabra · 15/07/2023 09:01

Aww this is lovely. Grab any chance of happiness with both hands.
Do not worry about what other people say. Lots of people unfairly judge you as a widow, and some people think it’s too soon for a new relationship however long you wait. Ignore them. It’s your life.

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 09:03

People who genuinely care for you will not give a shit the exact timing of your friendship / relationship they will be just please to see you happy

Crises always separates the wheat from chaff friendship wise

Go slow and trust your instincts do not confuse gratitude with romantic obligations

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