Is one child really harder?

[MaxwellCat]

I'm a lone parent to 4 children (they don't see their father) my oldest two are autistic, its really hard going. But one thing that keeps coming up is people keep telling me its easier having 4 than it is to have just one (many many people have told me this even those with multiple childdsn, someone with 7 children told me she finds it easier with 7 than when she just has one! But also those with one have said the same thing) the reason being is apparently they can play together but that feels like a very small part of parenting to me, so whilst my kids do play together sometimes I would say they spend wayyyy more time arguing and fighting then they do playing. So I might not have one that I have to entertain but I do have to constantly break up arguments (more so between the youngest two who are forever in competition) then there is the cost of having multiple children and going anywhere takes forever to get ready and organised, I would love to take them on holiday but the thought of taking 4 children alone is very daunting and not sure I could manage it. Then there's cooking 4 dinners every night, cleaning up after 4 getting 4 ready for school (I've already done two different school runs today) appointments for 4, and forget getting anyone to babysit them, literally no one will have them but I thought more was easier?! anyway when I'm with one (oldest is home educated) I can't help but think how simply and easy my life would have been with only her to concentrate on, the house stays clean, there is no fighting, I only seen to worry about one she is 12 so isn't hounding me. I barely get a chance to sit down as its just mum mum mum constantly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I knew I was going to be a lone parent I would have definitely just stuck with one (obviously relationships break down sometimes but I still would have expected some contact) its just so peaceful with one at home I genuinely can't see how its not easier? (I could see how two may be easier than one if they get on very well) am I just deluded and my life is easier now and one would have been much harder 🤔

One is in no universe more difficult than 4, much less 4 including 2 with additional needs, I'm sure. I don't know how anyone can say that to your face, especially knowing you are a lone parent! It really comes across that you're doing a good job btw.

I am always skeptical when I read that as well. I had just one dc as a single mum for a long time and he is autistic, but life definitely seemed far easier for me than for other parents who had siblings to deal with. He enjoyed his own company, I could choose activities that I knew he'd like without taking anyone else into account, and life at home was pretty quiet and calm. And I never felt like I was forced to entertain him - with just the one it was genuinely enjoyable to spend time with him and play games and do days out.
Now I have 2 younger dc (eldest is now an adult) and juggling 2 young ones is definitely harder work! They don't really fight but you always have conflicting needs and more tasks to juggle. I think it's just a line people trot out as a way to dismiss the choice to have an only child, or out of guilt if they only have one.

If you have kids on the spectrum it's a whole different league, they are not comparing the same thing.

Yes IME (I had one, then a ten year gap then two together) one child especially in the 3-7 age range is pretty demanding and when you have multiple around that age together, that seems to dissipate. But this is nothing compared to having a child with additional needs. My eldest has ADHD and I wouldn't even count that.

Also there are just different stresses with one vs multiple, and people with one child have a very different imaginary life with more children than they would in reality.

I do think part of the "one child is very difficult" thing is because you can get stuck in that PFB anxiety of thinking that every little thing you do matters a lot and that is exhausting. Once you have multiple children, your focus is split and you see the results of individual difference and you relax.

We had DD1 for 4.5 years before having DD2. It was much easier with 1. Now she's 12, she's fairly self sufficient - can cook basic meals, can entertain herself. We're way off that with DD2. And they don't really interact with each other enough to mean they need less parental attention. Maybe it's the age gap. I love DD2 very much, but she certainly hasn't made life easier.

But it also depends on the child. DD1 would have been an easy only child because she's very adult oriented and could have an interesting conversation from a young age. Some other children would have driven me crazy, with inane conversations and wanting me to be their playmate.

Are they crackers. One child is much easier. I only had one.

I don’t know really, we were several siblings and we entertained each other. My mother was generally minding her own business, doing her work or taking care of house chores. I remember her mostly as tending to her garden and plants in the afternoon and reading magazines.

I do have an only, I never had time to tend to plants or read magazines when he was awake until he became a teenager. If I had too much work to do, I invited other children around as it was easier to keep an eye on them while they were playing and while was working than working and entertaining one at the same time.

Mine has a disability but then, there are different levels of care required so impossible to compare.

It’s such BS! I’ve had a friend bore on about how hard she has it with one child because 4, you know, play with each other (!!) and how one child really demands attention (whereas 4 don’t?) I just figured that anyone that far up their own arse or with such issues that they couldn’t see how extraordinary lacking in awareness they were wouldn’t be able to understand the reality so I let them continue with their self-pitying nonsense. Plus, she clearly was having a hard time. But is it harder to have one child - no, obviously not. It’s not harder financially, it’s not harder with available time, it’s not harder managing the relationship dynamics of one child! But since having one child IS hard and they haven’t experienced the difficulties of having 2 etc, I think some people do get stuck thinking nothing could be worse.
Adding ASDs on top of that takes things into a different league, by the way. Hard to say how since all ASD is different but when specialists tell you that the other people in the family will have to bend around the kid with ASD and you can’t figure out how that will work because all 4 have it, then 4 kids is clearly harder than 1!!!

Of course not.

No way is one harder!! (especially as you have 4 and 2 have additional needs!) how completely insensitive to say that to you!?!

I have a huge gap between mine so my son was raised an only child for years, then when my second came my oldest was at school so my youngest was with me all the time. 1 is easy! Yes you have to be a lot more involved but that's the point of kids surely!? We have such a close bond because of that time spent playing and reading and exploring just the 2 of us. Once my 2 were out of being cute kids it was just constant bickering and testing eachothers patience. I spend more time separating them, teaching them to read the body language of other people so they can see its going too far and if they dont back off they will get walloped by the other one, teaching them they are not jack russells and they can just walk away if they dont like a situation... All of which they forget in 30 seconds and starts over again!! Yes they do have fun together also but i would say a large part of my job since having more that one is being referee and bouncer. Shopping with 2 was also a different ball game! Either one on their own behaves like an angel. Days when i had to take both... Hell! They would both act up, run off, argue, begging for everything... Never ever did that with just one of them. When one is out and i just have the other at home they are a delight we play games, do stuff together all day and there are no tears or cross words. Minute the other one comes home there is about 5 mins of hugs and missed yous between them before the nit picking starts.

Maybe those that find more than one easy have them close in age and they get along like best friends? But from my experience 1 at a time is bliss and more than one you are just a bouncer in a soft play night club of drunk toddlers 🤣

I think it depends on the child and your set up…I think jumping from 1 to 4 probably tips the balance back but from 1 very needy child to 2 children has been a big help for me, older one now ‘babies’ the little one rather than acting like a baby all the time herself; he’s given her a distraction from herself (she has some health problems). It’s exciting for everyone when whoever gets home from school or nursery or work. Helps that he’s a relative breeze (terrible twos but no health issues like the eldest). I always thought we’d just have one but my goodness I’m glad we had him

Of course it's not harder, what a ridiculous thing to say. I have one DC (by choice) and my life was/is so much simpler, calmer, easier than those with more than one DC. As a PP said, I suppose if you have a particularly 'demanding' DC then it might be slightly easier if they had a playmate (assuming they got on of course) but generally not having to negotiate different needs, timetables, schedules etc etc makes it much, much easier. And even things like taking one DC out is so much easier than struggling with a toddler and a baby ....plus friends, family etc are much more likely to be happy to babysit/care for one DC than multiple DC

I have a singleton, right from the start he has been pretty self sufficient on being entertained, obviously we did things with him, but he wasn’t constantly craving attention, didn’t need constant play dates or being taken places. We couldn’t have another DC but wonder whether DS would have begrudged rather than loved a sibling as quite likes his own space.

So for me one would definitely be easier than 4, especially if then bring additional needs into the picture

I laughed at this.
Of course one is easier than 4. What a ridiculous comment.
In so many ways, special needs aside.

I've got one, now 14. He's been really easy. The only thing more difficult than multiples is the play mate situation but we live in a cul de sac with lots of other families so there was always someone to play out with. Now he's a teen he gets to invite a friend on holiday.

Yep absolute dross.

I am the only one in my friendship group to have an only child and my everyday life is a piece of piss compared to theirs, I have no problem with admitting it.

Don't believe that for one minute! I only have the one (grown up now) but she was a difficult baby and young child (acid reflux,constant colic and lactose intolerant) which was part of the reason that I didn't have any more. I can remember thinking right up until she was about 8 or 9,thank goodness I've only got the one to deal with! Hi

Yup

I am the youngest of four. Oldest had complex health needs. Next had massive social issues. Next suffered a traumatic event in childhood.

I was the easy one. Some people would say I slotted right in, but from my perspective even when I was a child, everyone else had much bigger, louder needs than me, so I did just quietly slot in. Even when I needed stuff.

I'm sure you're doing great OP - but of COURSE it is more effort to have four than one! If it isn't, then someone's getting shoved aside.

Definitely not. I've gone from one to two after a major age gap and it's harder juggling both kids making sure they are both getting what they need. I can't imagine how hard 4 is. Or even having a reasonable age gap.

I'm one of 4 as is H. Both of us are the eldest and we both have the same experience growing up. Parents never did more than read to us in twos and bed time, baths in twos. Homework was individually done but at one one point all 4 of us sat around the kitchen table whinging about it. My mom was sahm for years as was his. (80's/90's) she had 4 of us in different schools at one point plus the clubs and parties/play dates. Think she was a professional taxi driver for us for years. I don't ever remember either parent actually playing with us. We'd be set up with an activity or TV turned on and left to it. Dad had his own business and also worked full time to facilitate some sort of lifestyle for us all.

When my eldest was in the toddler years I called my mom crying due to sleep deprivation and being just so totally touched out. Couldn't leave him for a second always wanted my full attention and we played from wake up to bedtime.
Her response was " I don't know, you children played with each other in twos but I never stopped and got to enjoy you kids like you're getting to enjoy your baby" really made me stop and think about it. Hence H and I relating our experiences growing up.

Multiple children I think are definitely harder, more work, more exhausting than one. It's a juggling task constantly trying to balance each of their needs. One is always missing out somehow. Mainly my eldest atm because I'm back in the newborn survival stage. Both H and I are so conscious of making sure we aren't leaving the eldest out or pushed to the sidelines.

Also- did you not consider this before having four children? I'm sure excuses such as contraceptive failures will be brought up but certainly not 4 times.

🙄

Once you have multiple children, your focus is split and you see the results of individual difference and you relax.

This I think.

I went from one to three. I had to relax because I'd go mad otherwise, but I don't think I'm a better parent of three than one.

I would say though that I find it easier having a playdate friend over for my oldest DD, so in that respect four is easier than three for me. But I get to hand them back!

As a parent to 3 who has worked as a childminder and had up to 8 kids at a time I'd say massively depends on the kids.

My eldest is a massively helpful well behaved child and definitely makes life easier because she enjoys playing with the baby etc. but I've got a high need autistic child who would definitely be easier to care for if he was my only child. Haveing the others while caring for him is hard work.

4 kids bring all the washing food prep cleaning etc so that side would be harder.

And for those judging having 4 kids and commenting about contraception? You don't always know a child is autistic very early. I would never have another child now because i couldn't do it but when he was younger I didn't know he would be like this so didn't plan for it. OP has two autistic kids- that's hard

I think they only say that because by the time you have your second child you're more used to being a parent therefore its easier.