Is one child really harder?

[MaxwellCat]

I'm a lone parent to 4 children (they don't see their father) my oldest two are autistic, its really hard going. But one thing that keeps coming up is people keep telling me its easier having 4 than it is to have just one (many many people have told me this even those with multiple childdsn, someone with 7 children told me she finds it easier with 7 than when she just has one! But also those with one have said the same thing) the reason being is apparently they can play together but that feels like a very small part of parenting to me, so whilst my kids do play together sometimes I would say they spend wayyyy more time arguing and fighting then they do playing. So I might not have one that I have to entertain but I do have to constantly break up arguments (more so between the youngest two who are forever in competition) then there is the cost of having multiple children and going anywhere takes forever to get ready and organised, I would love to take them on holiday but the thought of taking 4 children alone is very daunting and not sure I could manage it. Then there's cooking 4 dinners every night, cleaning up after 4 getting 4 ready for school (I've already done two different school runs today) appointments for 4, and forget getting anyone to babysit them, literally no one will have them but I thought more was easier?! anyway when I'm with one (oldest is home educated) I can't help but think how simply and easy my life would have been with only her to concentrate on, the house stays clean, there is no fighting, I only seen to worry about one she is 12 so isn't hounding me. I barely get a chance to sit down as its just mum mum mum constantly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I knew I was going to be a lone parent I would have definitely just stuck with one (obviously relationships break down sometimes but I still would have expected some contact) its just so peaceful with one at home I genuinely can't see how its not easier? (I could see how two may be easier than one if they get on very well) am I just deluded and my life is easier now and one would have been much harder 🤔

I think there may also be an element, for some people, of wanting to believe that something that looks suspiciously easy, like being contentedly childfree, or having only one child by choice, is actually much more difficult than it appears.

I certainly had suspicious numbers of virtual strangers urging me to reconsider being childfree, and, after I had a child, trying to convince me to have another…

Ridiculous. Of course 4 is harder than 1!! I have 3 , I wouldn't say it's 3x harder but its significantly harder than 1. And a Sen child is more challenging than a atypical child.

What awful people saying this to you, what is the purpose other than to minimise your struggles?

I am one and done but my only is only 21 months. I’m not sure how having a second would possibly be easier though. Going by my last pregnancy I’d have to parent a toddler whilst feeling very sick for a few months then very breathless for a few months, then whilst on no sleep and dealing with a newborn, and we’d have double the laundry and more dishes and have to deal with weaning again and potty training twice and cleaning more vomit and pee and poo and getting two kids into and out of car seats when we go somewhere and adjudicate bickering and spend more money to do anything and potentially have more health issues to deal with and have less time to ourselves and have to divide and conquer (a luxury I recognise you don’t have as a lone parent). I feel that one child is definitely easier. DH and I are DD’s playmates but she’ll also play on her own and she goes to nursery 2 days, when she’s older I hope to have play dates, family with kids meet ups, hobbies, activities etc for her so she gets to be with other kids.

If I was to guess I’d imagine having 3 more children, two of whom are autistic, and being a lone parent would be infinitely harder, and you sound like you’re managing really well.

4 is harder than 1! I have 4 and when I go out with just the 1 or have just the 1 to look after it's far easier.

Some aspects may be easier, for example mine all play together so I probably spend less time playing that parents with 1 do. However as you say it's 4 x dinner, 4 x laundry etc.

I assume they're trying to make you feel bad or something, ignore them.

I suspect this might be different in different historical/cultural contexts too - if you expect to spend lots of 1-2-1 time with your children and enrol them in lots of extracurricular clubs etc, then one will be a lot easier to deal with than 4+. If you largely expect your children to amuse themselves/each other and not bother you while you get through your long chore list, 4 might make it easier to handle as you can send them off as a pack.

I have one and my life is absolutely quieter, calmer and more manageable than my friends with more children. And thats before additional needs are factored in. There are definitely times I wish my son had a more readily available play mate. But that would not negate all the additional stressors of parenting more than one!!

The only aspect I can see having 4 children over just the one as less work, is the playing aspect.

And that's not always the case, I have 2 friends who hate the holidays as her kids just argue all the time, I'm sure there are times they do play together, but on the whole, both sets of friends say they play referee more than the nice quiet times.

We do play alot with our DS, but he also is left to amuse himself for time, or he gets stuck in helping me with the chores

Im not sure harder is the right word, as I have a single parent friend with 3 kids, she finds it easier to parent than another friend with just one. But it's more work.