Help! Autism, MH, employment situation

[PhilomenasQuestions]

Posting here for traffic, and because I'm not really sure what help/what area I need help with.
Really I need a sensible kind person to sit down with me and go through everything but I don't have that. It's very embarrassing and quite frightening as I'm usually perfectly capable but just seem to ... not be now.

I'm diagnosed with autism, late diagnosis in 30s a few years ago. So quite a subtle ASD presentation in many ways. Don't usually have the typical autism issues, although possibly have them all right now. I'm also very unhappy ATM but I try to be positive, do positive things, enjoy the small things, whatever. But last few months been going downhill, but managing it, still laughing and enjoying things where I can and just allowing myself a weep when necessary. Working through it, I thought.

Unfortunately things got a bit much and I was struggling to keep it together at work last week. A specific thing tipped me over the edge, a sort of "last straw". I work for an individual, don't want to say too much as potentially outing. This individual is a trained counsellor/therapist and so was being nice and asking what was wrong etc and it just set me off and everything spilled out incoherently. I think due to the ASD they don't really understand how things work for me and I didn't come across clearly. I can't remember it all clearly which makes me think it was some kind of meltdown as well as just being so sad. It was just so awful and embarrassing, and this might sound weird but I felt horrible afterwards as if someone had been digging around in my mind without my consent (cos I wasn't in a position to consent!) I was not allowed to leave until someone came to get me because employer was worried.

Anyway I'm now off sick until further notice. However haven't actually done anything about getting sick pay or anything. My employer has emailed with a list of questions, which I am finding overwhelming, and don't even seem to make sense how to answer them. The framing seems all wrong. They are very much seeing "mental health" due to whatever I said, but I think a lot is autism, and simply my current life circumstances being difficult in certain ways. This is a problem because they are expecting mental health type solutions. They have sent another email to arrange a meeting to discuss things. I can take someone, only I can't because there isn't anyone who'd understand enough to be helpful.

I'm a total mess, but you wouldn't know by looking (I went to the dentist today and acted normally). I keep randomly napping, I would probably cry but I feel too numb. I'm just sort of zoning out a lot. I have no idea how to even address anything. I'm usually capable, I should have a doctorate in Picking Myself Up and Carrying On, but somehow it's all run out. This is very frightening.

I have no idea how to speak to work, like I don't even know if I could actually physically speak as I feel so terrified and overwhelmed and unable to answer the questions posed. I haven't talked properly to anyone for two days. I don't want to be alone right now but I have no idea how to reach out to anyone as I can't act normally. (Normally I'm good at being sociable, and get a lot from it.)

I can't think clearly enough to know whether it's ok to ask any friends or family for help, actually I don't think anyone would understand enough or be able to help. I keep thinking I need to tell someone, then remembering there's not an obvious close friend any more who'd get it. Although I do have people who would be, and have been, nice in a more generic way, I'm not alone, just... really alone in another way. Almost no one has ever seen me like this and I don't want to scare them off. Normally I'd maybe share a worry then crack on with having a joke. This is different.

I probably need some support or advice from any organisation that could help, in terms of supporting people with ASD in employment. Maybe general employment advice too.
It would also be helpful if anyone with ASD can shed some light onto whether this sounds like burnout/extended meltdown recovery or whether something mental health-y is going on.

I won't get anything from going to see GP as MH services won't touch me with a bargepole. I could potentially get private therapy but not at this level of (non) functioning, and not sure it'd be helpful if this is ASD. There's also a huge, huge risk if I see my GP and it goes down as mental health/not coping as it jeapordises something else extremely important to me, which is adding to the shock/horror and freezing I seem to be experiencing. Just adding this for context.

Thank you for reading.

Apologies, I should add - no DC so don't worry about that.

If you haven't seen your GP, you're not 'off sick' are you? You're just not going to work.

I'm sorry it sounds very difficult but I'm worried about you and money.

And sorry, I'm not autistic but I am related to many autistic people including one of my children and I would very much try and help and support you if you were a friend or family member so please do contact people who love and care for you. I'm sure they would be happy to help and advocate for you. You sound enormously overwhelmed.

If you are sure that autism and mental issues do not go together , then .....you decide

https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/information-about-autism/preparing-for-adulthood/work-experience-and-employment

Get in touch with Ambitious about Autism, they have a helpline of trained advisors.

Google autistic burnout. This sounds pretty classic. You will need time off to recover doing the things that allow you to regulate. Please don't try and push through - you will end up damaging your mental health. There are autistic therapists who can help - Google neurodivergent therapist directory.

Link: https://neurodivergenttherapists.com/

I can hear a lot of stress and anxiety in what you are saying, possibly about other things that are going on in your life as well as the episode at work. Could you do a search for advocacy services, adult ASD services or maybe wellbeing coordinator for your local area?

Ideally you would choose one person in your family/friend network to talk to, offload this without worrying that it is out of character, not your 'normal' self, because people care about you, and even if you can't explain the whole thing in a way they'll understand- it will be a start.

Likewise, you could do this with a GP, they are there to help you, they come across so many people in all sorts of situations, but I appreciate you saying you don't want to get labelled. This can be down to anxiety, making you think the worst. If you need some time off, a note from the GP will be needed in some way or another.

Treat yourself with kindness, you won't feel like this forever, it will improve x

I feel for you, your overwhelm comes across very clearly. I suggest you might want to have your post moved to the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters topic where you can get some advice from people who've possibly been in a similar position. FWIW I think you sound utterly burnt out. Autistic burnout looks very much like a mental health issue from the outside but it's not necessarily the case.
Could you go to your GP and ask to be signed off officially for a while, if you haven't already?
That might give you some breathing space to find some real life support. I'd suggest a ND therapist or at the very least a support group (online is easier to find) for autistic girls and women. Do you have a family member who might be supportive?

Hi, sorry to read what you have been through. The government access to work schemes are fully funded services that provide help and support to people with mental health symptoms either stay in employment or return to work

https://able-futures.co.uk/

https://atw.maximusuk.co.uk/

@Clymene
I suppose I meant I'm off sick from employers POV (this is how it's being treated). I actually don't know the process as I've not done it before, I need to sort out self-certifying this week but I've no idea how.

I'm in a position where money is not a deeply pressing concern (although obviously a concern).

Well I suppose in a way they do go together, but then what's mental health and what's just life being difficult and exacerbating ASD traits?

Where it matters is how it's viewed and what I need to do for work. Eg. one of the questions is what am I doing to get my mental health better to return to work? If this is autism then how do I answer that? What am I supposed to do to "get better"? I've already been doing all I can to manage things and feel ok. I'm pretty sure it's not an acceptable answer to say "I've been making sure I keep eating, going for a walk in the sun, and sleeping lots to recover" but actually that is what I've been doing. But if I say nothing it looks like I'm not bothering. This is what I mean about the framing of the questions.

@TheHandbag
Thank you, I will take a look.

@Pigletpoglet
Thank you. Do you mind if I ask, do you have experience of therapy taking into account autism? It just feels like it won't help as I can't stop being autistic. Am I missing something? I've found being happier helps but that's because it means there's not a daily drain on my system dealing with sadness/difficult things. But I'm not sure I can do anything more than I've tried to about addressing these difficult things in my life. Generally the therapeutic suggestion is to think differently about things but I already do all the positive thinking stuff and sometimes it's just so exhausting it doesn't stop the feelings.

@HeidiWhole
Thanks. I'm actually in a support group type thing online, totally didn't think to post there, oops.

@TheHandbag

Unfortunately the organisation you linked to is for young people, which I am definitely not.

I feel so lost and alone.
I don't think I can ask anyone I know for support as they don't know me like this, they might get frustrated I'm so useless ATM. Hell, even I'm frustrated with me. Can't understand why I can't get it together. Simple things seem to be baffling my brain totally.

I can't work out how I'm supposed to self-certify for sick pay even though I've googled it.
I'm supposed to have a meeting tomorrow with work about this and I don't know how to face it at all.
I don't know how to reply to the email from my employer, at all, even though I know I need to say something.

I don't think I'm actually capable of doing my job, or any job really. I don't see a future. I'm so sad. I'm just sort of existing.

Hi OP.

Sorry you are having a rough time.

Self certify - this will likely just be you informing your employer which you have done.

Youll need to get a GP appointment and get signed off. This can be backdated so is not as pressing as you might think.

Many HR systems are set to categorise anything such as autism, ADHD, learning difficulties as ‘Mental health’. I think technically this is correct.

Keep in contact with your employer while you are off, ask for an occupational health referral as they may be able to suggest reasonable adjustments to help with work.

I say all this as someone who has worked in HR for many years.

Good luck and take care of yourself x

Don't worry about the self cert, it's a just a form you're employer can send you to say the dates you where off and why. Nothing more complex than that.

No need to answer any questions from work at this point.

Go to the GP to be signed off for longer if you need it. Can't help with anything else, but hope others can help.

It sounds like autistic burnout to me - for me it kind of feels like my phone battery is running out and when all the apps are being stopped to kick it onto uber mega power saving mode (I'm autistic - late diagnosed for clarity's sake).

You need to speak to your employer - either verbally or via email (I find writing it and then coming back to look at it later helps me get things organised when thoughts are in a jumble) and ask them what their policy is on sickness.

You need to listen to what your body is telling you to re-regulate - if that's going for a walk, sleeping lots... that's what you do. When I hit burnout - I will sleep as much as bloody possible (it's my extreme power-saving mode... people talk about not having "spoons" to deal with stuff but I find that a bit puke inducing and tend to view it as more "bullshit tolerance reserves" and I need to save them for the real stuff that needs to be done). It's not an instant fix switch - it takes time but you are doing what you need to do for your mental health to recover. You might need to go to your GP for a sick note - again if you do, write things down, leave them and come back to re-draft them if you need to in order to get some clarity - if you need to and can't cope with talking through the appointment - hand the bit of paper to the GP to read.

And yes, no amount of therapy is going to stop you being autistic - but getting things into the right set of circumstances to support what you find hard, and learning more about how your autism affects you (and what positives it brings to you as well) increases your ability to work to your strengths, work around your difficulties and advocate for what you need as well. That will do the biggest bit for your mental health in the long term - but it's a long process - I'm mid 40s and it's taken me until this year, being diagnosed and processing that, getting into a very supportive employment situation with a team who either really get it, or want to learn to get it, and I've done a winter without my seasonal crash in mood and ending up on antidepressants and I'm in a better place mentally than I've been in my entire life. I now know when my bullshit tolerance gauge is dipping into the red and can manage it then - rather than waiting until it's crashed into empty and I'm buggered and broken down on the hard shoulder of life. And I would not change my autism for the world because in my current job it's a huge fucking asset to me and my team - for someone who hated themselves until they were past 40 - that's a huge place to be.

This is a great post!

OP, I am autistic, late diagnosis. I'm so sorry that you're going through a tough time. Autistic burnout is quite common and you're definitely not alone in experiencing this. It's about where to go to get support, which can be challenging when you're in the throes of burnout.

Firstly, contact your employer via email and notify that you wish to self certify your absence and ask what their policy is on sick pay, whether you will just get SSP or if there's an occupational sick pay scheme. Book an appointment with your GP and ask to be signed off work and email the note to your employer.

Do you have any friends/family who can support you, compile emails for you, speak to your manager, if required, and/or attend any meetings with you?

It's a bit late to help with this particular issue, but when you are feeling able, contact the DWP Access to Work. It's a self referral process. I have an autism mentor, funded by Access to Work, who provides me with support, when required, and they've been invaluable in attending meetings with management and Occupational Health. Perhaps you could ask for something similar? You are capable, and you do have a future, but right now, you need time out which your GP can provide in the form of a fit note.

Yep, sounds like autistic burnout. Extremely common in autistic women in their 30s. I was around 33 when it happened to me. I figuratively threw my desk up in the air and walked out, never to return. I haven't worked in paid employment for almost 20 years. Basically you put on the mask of 'normal' and keep up the facade for years, until it all comes crashing down and you just can do it anymore.

I haven't actually informed them I'm off sick. Due to the circumstances they have decided that (and immediately covered my shifts for the foreseeable). In the email it said I could "self-certify with payroll for one week". I called payroll but was told I could do it online, so just said thank you and hung up because that stalled my brain. This is what I mean by I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it, and my brain isn't working.

There isn't an HR or occupational health (?) as I work for an individual. (There is payroll because that's outsourced).

I know my employer would be very supportive of reasonable adjustments etc, but I just cant think of any. (This has come up before but not this badly). I think what I need isn't reasonable given the nature of the job.

I don't think I've experienced anything quite like this since I've been diagnosed and knew what I was dealing with. Usually I'm good at knowing what helps and what doesn't, but to some extent these things are out of my control. A few things have gone wrong for me despite my best efforts to make sure the things that help are happening. This is where it crosses over into mental health, or rather life circumstances and general happiness.

I can't understand how I can write coherently (well relatively!) here and yet when I try to work out how to reply to the email or anything else, my brain just stalls with terror.

@CoffeeWithCheese

Wish there was a like button for your post x

I think you need to just get signed off and give yourself a chance to breathe and reflect. That way it will give your mind a chance to slow down.

Getting signed off is really easy just call the GP state that you don’t feel well enough to attend work. Use the words in your post. They will likely sign you off for two weeks very very easily. Submit this to your employer, you don’t need to engage with payroll.

Really sorry OP things will feel better!

@PhilomenasQuestions

I know my employer would be very supportive of reasonable adjustments etc, but I just cant think of any. (This has come up before but not this badly). I think what I need isn't reasonable given the nature of the job.

That's what Access to Work are there for. To come up with ideas and potential solutions to enable you to do your job. If you've reached the end of the line with this job, it doesn't mean you can't do something else.

@PhilomenasQuestions I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing and how hard it feels to find a way out.

I’ve worked in HR like some PPs. You can self-certify your sickness absence for the first seven days, including weekends. All you will need to do is fill in whatever proforma your employer uses. You can ask either your line manager or your HR department to send it to you, if they haven’t already. Typically you fill in your dates of absence, a reason (maybe from a multiple choice list) and your signature. Stress and burnout are both acceptable reasons to put down and sound like they might fit.

You said that you could use someone to sit with you and go through how to handle each issue. I have often felt like that! If you want to say which issue or several issues are next on your plate, I will talk to you and I bet others here would too- and maybe we can help you work through it one step at a time.