Help! Autism, MH, employment situation

[PhilomenasQuestions]

Posting here for traffic, and because I'm not really sure what help/what area I need help with.
Really I need a sensible kind person to sit down with me and go through everything but I don't have that. It's very embarrassing and quite frightening as I'm usually perfectly capable but just seem to ... not be now.

I'm diagnosed with autism, late diagnosis in 30s a few years ago. So quite a subtle ASD presentation in many ways. Don't usually have the typical autism issues, although possibly have them all right now. I'm also very unhappy ATM but I try to be positive, do positive things, enjoy the small things, whatever. But last few months been going downhill, but managing it, still laughing and enjoying things where I can and just allowing myself a weep when necessary. Working through it, I thought.

Unfortunately things got a bit much and I was struggling to keep it together at work last week. A specific thing tipped me over the edge, a sort of "last straw". I work for an individual, don't want to say too much as potentially outing. This individual is a trained counsellor/therapist and so was being nice and asking what was wrong etc and it just set me off and everything spilled out incoherently. I think due to the ASD they don't really understand how things work for me and I didn't come across clearly. I can't remember it all clearly which makes me think it was some kind of meltdown as well as just being so sad. It was just so awful and embarrassing, and this might sound weird but I felt horrible afterwards as if someone had been digging around in my mind without my consent (cos I wasn't in a position to consent!) I was not allowed to leave until someone came to get me because employer was worried.

Anyway I'm now off sick until further notice. However haven't actually done anything about getting sick pay or anything. My employer has emailed with a list of questions, which I am finding overwhelming, and don't even seem to make sense how to answer them. The framing seems all wrong. They are very much seeing "mental health" due to whatever I said, but I think a lot is autism, and simply my current life circumstances being difficult in certain ways. This is a problem because they are expecting mental health type solutions. They have sent another email to arrange a meeting to discuss things. I can take someone, only I can't because there isn't anyone who'd understand enough to be helpful.

I'm a total mess, but you wouldn't know by looking (I went to the dentist today and acted normally). I keep randomly napping, I would probably cry but I feel too numb. I'm just sort of zoning out a lot. I have no idea how to even address anything. I'm usually capable, I should have a doctorate in Picking Myself Up and Carrying On, but somehow it's all run out. This is very frightening.

I have no idea how to speak to work, like I don't even know if I could actually physically speak as I feel so terrified and overwhelmed and unable to answer the questions posed. I haven't talked properly to anyone for two days. I don't want to be alone right now but I have no idea how to reach out to anyone as I can't act normally. (Normally I'm good at being sociable, and get a lot from it.)

I can't think clearly enough to know whether it's ok to ask any friends or family for help, actually I don't think anyone would understand enough or be able to help. I keep thinking I need to tell someone, then remembering there's not an obvious close friend any more who'd get it. Although I do have people who would be, and have been, nice in a more generic way, I'm not alone, just... really alone in another way. Almost no one has ever seen me like this and I don't want to scare them off. Normally I'd maybe share a worry then crack on with having a joke. This is different.

I probably need some support or advice from any organisation that could help, in terms of supporting people with ASD in employment. Maybe general employment advice too.
It would also be helpful if anyone with ASD can shed some light onto whether this sounds like burnout/extended meltdown recovery or whether something mental health-y is going on.

I won't get anything from going to see GP as MH services won't touch me with a bargepole. I could potentially get private therapy but not at this level of (non) functioning, and not sure it'd be helpful if this is ASD. There's also a huge, huge risk if I see my GP and it goes down as mental health/not coping as it jeapordises something else extremely important to me, which is adding to the shock/horror and freezing I seem to be experiencing. Just adding this for context.

Thank you for reading.

Getting signed off will likely remove the one thing that felt like life was worth living for. I don't want to derail the thread talking about it but it's fertility treatment. In fact that's probably been one of the stresses that's less to this.

I am so broken, and so hopeless.

OP - the person did trigger you do you think she did it deliberately? What else are you struggling with why are you feeling unhappy? Maybe you could get AD from the dr if you are feeling really bad.

do you like your job? Or is it too much stress? Are you doing it as your "interest" or a way to get money? What about reducing your hours if you decide to go back to work or maybe a change might be good.

Could you get help in for your house too - a cleaner / gardener

Sometimes everything seems too much. Chocolate and good tv on the sofa might help. Need to recharge your batteries and gain strength and that could take a long time( weeks ).... nice it's summer maybe a good book / picnic and fresh air in the garden.

Please don’t be afraid to seek help from a doctor. Being signed off or seeking help isn’t going to impact your fertility treatment and NHS provision of it.

I don’t see any reason why one incident of stress/burnout leading to some sick leave from work (which is how it would likely look on paper) would affect your access to fertility treatment. Obviously I don’t have all the details but I really don’t think it needs to be catastrophic in that respect.

@MrsLilaAmes
There isn't an HR department - I work for an individual. Who has put in their email that I can self-certify with payroll (payroll is contracted out). Payroll say I can do it online. My brain is just going round in circles with this.

I don't know how to deal with the meeting tomorrow. I'm terrified even of showing my face makes me want to throw up. I can't speak. I've been alone all day because I don't know how to talk to anyone. This isn't like me at all

Sorry, I cross posted with you re payroll. Can you only contact them by telephone?

Either write an email if you can, or write out a script for the phone call.

“Hi payroll, I need to self-certify a period of sickness absence from date to date. Is it correct that I do this online?

Ok, thanks, where exactly on the company website do I do that? I’m struggling to find it. (Maybe have the browser open ready on your laptop)

Oh, right- I think I see it. The yellow button? (Or whatever they say) Yes, I’m in. So I just add the date and reason? (Or whatever fields you see) Great, I think it’s done, can you confirm? Thanks so much!”

I think if you achieve that first step you’ll feel better

Do you have a parent, sibling, good friend who knows about your diagnosis? Could you call them and just say ‘Please come, I really need you’?

Don't have a meeting if you are off sick. It can wait for a few days or longer if you get signed off.

Life fucks us all over occasionally, no shame in needing space to regroup.

I haven’t been able to work due to autism since I was 18, I’m 43 now. I had 4 jobs in a year aged 18 and was so incredibly Ill I haven’t been able to since. I get PIP and UC understand I can’t work but I wish I wasn’t in this position. Hopefully you can get some support OP

@MrsLilaAmes

Thank you. That's very clear. The problem is it's not a company, I work for an individual and payroll is contracted out. So I don't think it will be on the website of the organisation that offers these payroll services.

Unfortunately I can't ask anyone to drop their life and come and help me.

@turkeyboots

I don't know how to get out of the meeting. I also don't know how to do it.
I don't seem to be able to work out how to communicate with my employer at all.

You can always ask the people who love you to help. If you broke a leg, who would you call ? Call them today.

For your employer, email them to say you are taking sick leave and cannot attend the meeting. You will re arrange the meeting when you are fit to return. And then send on the GP note and ignore any messages for a bit. You can do it and it will give you breathing space.

You said you were able to ‘act normal’ at the dentist. What made that possible for you? Can you sort of trick yourself into doing that for work. Maybe leave the house for a walk or a coffee, come back in, sit down and write three emails straight away:

1. to payroll/your employer stating that you wish to self certify your absence and asking for instructions to do so online
2. to your employer to say ‘currently I am too unwell to meet tomorrow. Please can we reschedule the meeting for next week.’ You can literally copy and paste.
3. to your GP surgery to request an appointment (or fill out an econsult if that’s how your surgery do it.

You mention fertility treatment. Do you have a dp?

If your employer doesn't have their own form, you can use this:

https://www.tax.service.gov.uk/fill-online/statutory-sick-pay-employer-notification

Why do you think a GP signing you off work would affect fertility treatment?

I have some experience of this. Your gp can sign you off if you need more than a week rest. Another alternative would be to request to your employer to try to return half days and see if you can cope with that (this may be tricky in many cases I know, in which case trying just Tuesday and Thursday might be an alternative) if you are able to cope then increase to original workload or request to stay part time for an extended period to recover. Only you know how you feel and autism is so varied that what works for one person doesn't another. My dd really can't cope with more than part time work (20 hours a week over 4 days, Wednesdays off) but on that schedule she functions ok - this would not work for everyone

@MrsLilaAmes

I was able to act relatively normal at the dentist as it's a low demand situation. It was a bit painful but they're nice to you. Anything else like speaking to the receptionist on the way in is very straightforward "scripted" stuff.
Work situation is not like this. I'm supposed to explain myself, explain what's going on, come up with solutions. I feel weirdly invaded even from what happened the other day, as if I was interrogated when powerless to resist. (I know it's not really like that but it feels it.)

I'm terrified that it's not acceptable I'm the circumstances/due to the nature of my job to send a blunt email like that and terrified of the response.

Gently @PhilomenasQuestions you don’t seem to be in a mental space to deal with work at present. I seriously suggest you get signed off for the foreseeable. You need some respite.

You can refuse the meeting, it is not necessary when you are on sick leave.

Take care of yourself, I’ve been there. I felt paralysed like I couldn’t bring myself to do anything as it panicked me. Almost like I couldn’t cope with any interaction. I took some sickleave and felt much better after.

You definitely can send a very straight forward, factual response because for the moment you are too unwell to work. All that your employer needs to know in terms of explanations is that you’re too unwell to work, you are self certifying your initial absence and making an appointment to see your GP. That would be completely acceptable from an HR perspective, especially if you say you will be in touch again after your GP appointment, as that also gives them a sense of what to expect next. Please don’t worry about it beyond that for now.

I really think you would do well to ask someone- a family member or friend- to support you. I think you are catastrophising- I know because I do it too- and that you would benefit from someone who is able to tell you that it isn’t as terrible as you fear while you work through each step.