Talk me down - I want to quit but I know it's the wrong decision

[ThePuffinMan]

Been up for the last two hours stressing so apologies if my post makes no sense.

I returned to work just over two months ago after being a SAHM for almost a decade. I'm hating it. Not working in general, I think just the actual role/place.

It's a job within the Civil Service, good location, wfh 3 days and on paper flexible with p/t hours and training opportunities.

Now the bad, there has been almost no induction specific to the role. I've asked but the department is so chaotic it's just not happening. I've pushed back but it just seems to be part of the culture, you get the odd teams call with someone to show you how to do something (briefly and poorly) and that's it. It's vastly understaffed with lots of agency workers. I think the worst thing for me is because everyone works from home so much, when I go into the office I don't know anyone, it's hotdesking and I feel like a tit wandering round trying to find a desk. I know that sounds pathetic but it's horrible. Although there's lots of agency staff, everytime I speak to someone they've usually been CS for at least 5yrs+ and don't seem to understand what it's like coming into the dept.

It is flexible to a certain extent but because I have to allocate work (morning) and report on it (late afternoon) it's not really for my specific role. I think, while I would still have issues, if I was child free and full time I could through myself into it and it'd be ok but being p/t makes it more difficult.

I could just quit, we're not desperate for the money, but I feel like it was hard to get started with this (just general anxiety after being out of the workplace for so long). I can't transfer within the CS as there's a stipulation in my dept that you have to complete 18months service.

Also the main thing is, I found it hard to provide references, my previous employers couldn't be used because it had been such a long time and I basically have no friends. I did manage to use a couple of my DCs friends parents as refs but it was embarrassing having to ask and I don't want to do it again.

What would you do in my position? Quit and find something else, then stress about references? Stay and keep trying even though it's impacting on my MH.

First- is there a clear management structure?

Is the job the actual problem, or would you be stressing/anxious about a different job ? I ask as you mention MH several times, so I wonder if you need to take some time to work on yourself before you ditch the job.

What are the reasons you wanted to go back to work and persisted to get this job?
Hotdesking sucks especially when you don't already have a base there, however you will end up finding where you can usually sit and where you like, no one else is thinking you look like a tit. In 2 months time that worry will be a distant memory.
This is a huge change to your lifestyle but you did it for a reason, short term pain for long term gain - you are building a base from which, if you apply yourself, you will have good references and good opportunities.
Of course anxiety wants you to stay in your comfort zone, that's where it thrives, as avoidance increases anxiety. But there are parts of you that want more and can problem solve the discomforts.

I would say two things to try if possible, first if you don't like wandering round trying to find a desk then can you get there earlier so that there are more free desks and it's not such an issue? Secondly I would say do a fairly mediocre job of things and don't look to be fantastic. They're not giving you that opportunity with their chaotic set up and even if you did do an amazing job no one will probably notice anyway.

I would definitely say to stay and find ways to improve things for yourself - and get to know other departments you might want to move to in the future - rather than bail and have to try to find another job that might be shit for all sorts of other reasons.

Doesn't sound too bad to be honest. Do you actually just not want to work? Stay and settle in... you can do it! Fond a new job in good time..

@DustyLee123 I think I would have probably struggled going back to any job after such a long time out...possibly I should have tried temping to ease back in but because I wanted p/t (shorter days there wasn't really anything available). Part of my issue is the stress I place on myself, I have really high expectations so being a bit lost in a job and not knowing what to do is my worst nightmare.

I think maybe I need a more simple role where the scope is really clear. I don't mind being really busy but I struggle when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

@CurlewKate there's a clear structure, my manager is actually fine but I'm expected to go to my colleagues for actual training/issues and that's where it becomes difficult. No one, so far, has been great at showing me the ropes, I do need to toughen up and be more persistent but I just don't know if it's worth the struggle.

Loads of civil services and arms length type government departments are like that I am afraid, you have to work out with your manager what it is that you absolutely have to do and concentrate on that.

You will get ZERO reward for being efficient or on it, you will just end up burning yourself out.

The main thing to do is to ensure that you are paying into your pension.

It's really not too bad, I'm sure other people would be fine. There's no bullying, everyone is nice just not great at helping new starters. I'm not expecting to be spoon fed but there are various reports that are massively convoluted. If I could chill out and accept if I'm not picking something up straight away it's not the end of the world but I've got a terrible trait of feeling like if I'm not perfect, I've failed and spiralling.

Are you due any form of official chat soon ? Like a PDR

I think you need to tell your manager that it’s impossible to do the job without training and how hard you are finding it. Schedule in your own induction meetings on Teams.

I am confused as to how often you work from home? If there is no point going into the office I’d just work from home.

FWIW I felt exactly like this my first job on my current team. But I stuck it out and it gradually got better. The civil service has great benefits and could fit into your life really well after the awkward settling in period.

You can get another job in civil service if you apply externally or apply for promotion, they can't block either of those. It does take some getting used to being back in the workplace after time out, personally I'd speak to my line manager and just be honest and say what you're finding challenging as there's probably ways to address it rather than leaving.

@Parisj my reasons for going back to work were mainly that I'd lost my sahm mojo. I used to have various projects on the go and a small social circle but I was finding I'd drop the kids off and just waste the day and I have no social life anymore.

My DH encouraged me as he thought my world was becoming too small and that it would be good for me to have something outside the house. He's very supportive but I think he's too supportive in some ways, he still sees me as the capable, professional I was before kids and I've lost that.

Go back to University and get references after your course from the tutors.

Being kind, I feel you are almost talking yourself into quitting due to your lack of confidence, when with a few conversations it could all be fine in a few months. There are lots of pros about this job.

I agree with this. It will be ok.....a few months down the line you will likely have settled in and have more of an understanding of what's going on. It sounds like you're being a perfectionist in a situation where you can't possibly be perfect (first job after a long career break, chaotic civil service, everything is new etc.) Try to remember that you just need to do a good enough job at the moment....not a perfect one. And talk to your manager. Don't let anxiety talk you out of a good opportunity.

Maybe you should ask if you could sit with someone or shadow a colleague for a few days. Sometimes watching and seeing how some people do their job is far better than a doing a mish mash of a job where you are okay up to a point and then come a cropper because you have not been shown what or how to do the next stage.
Also most jobs I've been in over the years have a manual or specification of the job itself. This is literally so if someone - say a temp came in - they could read up and then pick up and run with the job in hand. Is there something like that around?
The fact that you are expected to ask for help is not unreasonable - what is unreasonable is that your colleagues don't seem prepared to help the new person in the job. That isn't teamwork or a good departmental ethic.
Also go back and read your job specification and work with that. Look back at historical jobs and see what you can pick up from those. Very often you will begin to see a pattern emerging and you can work with that format until you can improve on it and work on it to your own satisfaction.

To those of you saying I'm talking myself out of a good opportunity, you're not wrong. I just don't know how long it's reasonable to keep going feeling like this?

I'm concerned if I did quit, I would regret it down the line but I'm also worried I'm sticking it out somewhere I'll never feel comfortable. My back ground is private sector, in small/medium sized teams rather than public sector massive teams.

Stick it out. Adjust your expectations and just do the best you can, and see how you feel in six more months.

Be honest with your manager, ask if you can sort some kind of buddy system for when you’re in the office, to give you the opportunity to shadow. Maybe a team lunch could be organised to get to know people socially?

Don’t give up yet, try and make it better and if nothing changes then reconsider.

It does sound like your confidence is the main issue. Stick it out - in a few months you’ll either have found your place, or at the least you’ll have been there long enough for a reference to move on. Don’t be afraid to be pushy with your manager and your colleagues to get the help that you need.

Have a look at the platform Careering in to Motherhood. Lots about balancing life, the difficulty of going back to work after time out etc. They have a good Facebook group too. A crisis in confidence is very common after being a SAHM, consider getting some coaching to work on your own confidence - otherwise it will always hold you back.

How about a book or workbook on perfectionism? When perfect isn't good enough is a great one that has helped me stay realistic in the workplace.

I've been in exactly the same situation recently. Worked in local government for years then moved areas and to a different local authority and there was almost no training. Offices are awful places for new people now a days with everyone working from home. Loads of agency staff within LAs because they can't fill vacancies (I wonder why?!) It's such an awful feeling not knowing what you're doing & having no support.
I stuck with the job for almost a year so that I knew I'd given it a good chance. Things are marginally better but I still hate it. I'm handing in my notice next week, I've found a new job working for a charity so it will be a complete change & hopefully I can finally be in a role that I enjoy. If not then I'll find something else, life's too short to be in a job you hate.

If you’re going to leave, you need a job to go to.
Don’t be one of those women who is reliant on a husband, think of yourself as an independent person who needs to earn money/pay NI/pay pension. No one knows what the future brings.

You've only been there 2 months and you don't work full time. It will take time to get to grips with your work and that takes even longer if you work pt. I'd definitely give it more time.

Don't leave without having another job to go to. I wouldn't anyway

if you look at /r/thecivilservice on Reddit you will at least see that you are far from alone!